Friday, August 25, 2017

Amusings from Valhalla: Still Moar Mulish Humor










THE BLONDE STEWARDESS

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay - over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.


The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room ?" the captain asked,
"Why not ?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ' Do Not Disturb'! "



OLD GOAT

A young couple invited their aged neighbor for Sunday dinner.

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the geezer asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat ? " replied the startled neighbor, "Are you sure about that ? "

"Yep," said the youngster. " I heard Pa say to Ma,  "Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day."


Howdy, Neighbor!


FEMALE OBSESSIONS

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.


" You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, " You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. " Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom. " Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, " Come on Dick ! We're leaving."



GOLD DIGGER MOM

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life? "
A little girl raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really, and what four little animals would that be ? "
The little girl answered, "According to my mom, all I need is a Mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in the bed and, of course, I'll need a Jackass to pay for it all."








A POLISH FRIEND TOLD ME THIS JOKE:

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some
Polish Sausage.

The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish ?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian ? Or, if I asked you for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German ? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish ? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ? Would ya, huh ? Would ya ?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish ? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian ?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't."

With self - indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage ?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."






FELLATIO QUICKIES

Why so men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? 
Because every time she gets to 69, she has a frog in her throat.

What is the difference between 69 and 96?
One is about oral sex, the other is about not speaking to each other after you break up.

Define fellatio:
A taste of things to cum.

Define Egghead: 
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

What do you call a female midget who's nice and gives head? 
Short, sweet, and to the point!

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? 
"*Mgplth*(choke)*gkltmpfff*!!!" 


How do you know who gives good blow jobs? 
Word of mouth.



Why did God give men penises?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

A kid comes in and asks his dad, "Dad, can I have $20 for a blowjob?" 
His dad says, "Why, are you THAT good?" 

What do you call two Bobs doing 69 ? 
Oral Roberts.

"I'm generally considered to be the female B.M.O.C." said Debby the slooty UCB co-ed, smiling.
 "Female B.M.O.C.?" asked Mule
"Best Mouth On Campus!" replied Debby






BLONDE JURY DUTY

Sue the blonde reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudiced.

"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin." she said pointing.


"Sit down, lady," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."








ABSTAIN FROM ABSTINENCE!


A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, " We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate ?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

" My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

" You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."



SPANK SPANKBANK

A mother found a porn magazine in her son's room. 

She showed it to her husband, and it was BDSM. She asked the Dad what they should do.

Dad: "Probably not spank him."

She belted him with the magazine. 

"Now I know where he gets it from." --muttered the father.




That must be some erection!


I HOPE YOU HAD FUN...









...BUT THAT'S ALL FOLKS








1 comment:

  1. Hey, what about another Mule story? Mulish humour is ok, but Mulish muscle stories ROCK!

    ReplyDelete