Vignette: Stuck my dick in turkey...think anybody will notice?

This little gem from Thanksgiving 2008 is a prequel to Bouncer!

Lulu Belle (cooks for my Ganny) was prepping the turkey for today, and she needed more stuff so she ran to the store real quick. Well I was walking around the house and I got into the kitchen and I saw the turkey on the table ...Me being a horny ass I decided I wanted to know how it would feel to stick my dick in it. 

She was asking for it, looking all succulent and shit!

So after many fights with myself on whether to do it or not I decided to stick it in real quick....give the turkey some "stuffing" LOL... So I went for it and it felt weird. My question is would anybody notice that it happened? It's not like I tore it up...turns out I stuck mah dick in the hole where it's head use to be...I didn't cum in the turkey that would be sick--just a coupla thrusts to get the feeling...I mean I don't see how anybody would notice-- I’m just being a bit paranoid!

I my defense I’m a  stuck at my Ganny’s home in Jackson -f'n cowtown- Mississippi –ain’t no hot chicks nowhere aroun’...when I said I would come for T day I thought she was planning on being at her home in New Orleans--not up here! LOL

G: I have not changed your room since your last visit here!
M: Ganny, I was SIX!

******************************

POST SCRIPT 2015: after news of what the Prime Minister of  the United Kingdom did when he was young with a roasted pig, I don't feel quite as weird about this incident as I once did.

David Cameron and the Pig Fucker Society
 of Oxford University

and in 2015!

Vignette: Why I don't do Dinner Parties

MULESGIVING

HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y'ALL!

Originally Published September 30,  2006

I arrived at the parent's house of one of my friends round 4:00 in the afternoon. His mother and father were hosting a dinner party of sorts for their son (my friend) who recently made the family proud by earning a prestigious award from our school. Many of his close relatives were in attendance for the joyous celebration, including his elderly grandmother, the guest of honor. Normally I wouldn't be caught dead going to something like this but free food can sometimes fuck up my better judgment. 

As I entered living room I was amazed to see like twenty well dressed people in attendance, many in suits. My friend briskly introduced me, which caused a quiet stir regarding my apparel - a cut-off sleeve shirt replete with protein shake stains, bolstered by greasy sweat pants and white, Payless brand shoes. I compensated by performing an awe-inspiring lat spread for all to admire.  A few of the gentlemen were sporting boners and several of the ladies looked like they were getting moist.

Shortly thereafter we were all seated for the main course - a delightful roast of Eastern European Dove battered in Romanian tomato sauce, or some such shit. After a grueling 20 rep squat workout, I was ready to chow down a flock of them fucking pigeons. 

As chance would have it, I was seated next to the grandmother of the family, the royal matriarch who was well nie one hundred and forty-two years of age. I was struck by the glaring similarity she possessed to the personage of one Bilbo Baggins. She could not have stood more than two and one-half feet tall, although her glory days of standing were well over. She was solely relegated to a small wheelchair, customized with gaudy, brass-encrusted 22's. Rollin' on dubs, that ol' hen was. She emitted a foul-smelling residue that hinted of cottage cheese and Tabasco sauce. Her voice cracked and sputtered like the rusty confines of an engine struggling to start. A thoroughly stinky little critter, she was. 

As we proceeded to dine, the little creature made valiant but futile attempts at striking conversation with me. I politely responded to her questions, and flashing the obligatory double bi for her to ponder over After ten minutes of conversation, I grew weary of her incessant voice, and, concealed by the boisterous conversations ensuing to either side of me, quietly told her to "Shut the fuck up or I will END  you." 

Her voice soon ceased to be heard. Although I was enjoying the dishes and the sight of my friend's mother's tender breasts baking in the sublime light cast by the overhead chandelier, something seemed amiss. Soon I realized that food was beginning to disappear on my plate. As I pondered my predicament, I quickly realized that it was the little varmint sitting next to me who was to blame for the stealing of my sustenance. When my eyes were cast elsewhere, I noticed that the foul insect would quietly snag food from my plate and bring it to hers. 

Enraged that this little crusty demon would have the audacity to steal food from me during a bulking cycle, I resolved to take action. I decided that I would be responsible and mature about how would deal with the situation, noting that it would be disrespectful for me to cause a scene as a guest in another man's house. 

So, I leaned toward the little creature, and stealthily JABBED MY FORK INTO HER OFFENDING HAND. 

"Damn you bitch! How dare you sass me!"

\

She screamed in terror and fell backwards from her wheelchair. Not one to take shit from elderly women, I immediately pounced on her and put a fat rear naked choke on her ass. By this time every person had pranced from their seats and were taking hostile action against me. Four men ripped me from the elderly lady before I put her to sleep, Matt Hughes style. 

I fought the men off and made my way to the front door amid screams and curses. As the old hamster lay bleeding and dazed on the carpet, my friend stood sobbing, trying to calm everyone down. As I left the house, the last thing I heard him screaming was "He was on a bulking cycle! A bulking cycle! He had no other choice!" 

I am now back home and still continuing to deal with the victimization that confronted me. I pray that I will not have to face off against that elderly little rat in the near future.

Musings from Valhalla: The Food Network

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED FEBRUARY 13, 2007

Yeah, I watch the food network... when I'm hungry its kinda like porn.  Do you know it's literally impossible to make that shit? Literally, I was trying to make some southwestern mango chicken with herbs and roasted red peppers or something I  saw this chick on there make, and I burnt down my kitchen. i have to buy a new kitchen because of false advertising    They're not really making that shit, it's plastic and CGI.

Plastic food: See what I mean!

Here's my take on a couple of the shows: Giada De Laurentiis: She's hot.

 I jacked off to the episode where she makes stuffed mushrooms

Rachael Ray: 

She is the one with the "30 minute meals"-- I  tried to make her "'butter glazed ham with twice baked ranch flavored potatoes' in 30 minutes once and it ended up taking me like 3 hours--Yeah, sure it COOKS in 30 minutes, washing every freaking dish and cleaning up the kitchen now THAT takes 2.5 hours. Should be called: 'Dishes and Cleaning The Kitchen with Rachel Ray in UNDER 3 hours!' and have a calendar for their timer.

"Oh the Food Network...oh yes....yes...YES..."
*fap fap fap*

Musings from Valhalla: Mule the Public (and Pubic) servant

Sometimes I go sober to bars and pick fights with drunk guys on purpose just for fun

Last Thursday in Boulder (college night at a popular bar) I went in and noticed this douchy looking jacked up  kid who lifted and juiced.... 

....who was obviously wasted as hell, and I just decided that I would beat his ass cause I didn't like the way he sounded - he was too loud for my liking.

 I kept my eye on him most of the night and when he went to the bathroom I went after him, calmly. When I walked in he was washing his hands and checking his face in the mirror and I just slapped him. He goes: "The fuk?!!!!" and we threw hands and then  I put him to sleep with my famous five punch combo, before the bouncers broke in. Of course the bouncers bought my story as I was the only one conscious, and they were so fucking scared of me they could of been kissing my big muscular glutes the way they fawned all over me, guess my reputation vis-a-vis Bouncers had  reached Boulder, as I haven't had any trouble here, they might as well salute every time I walk up to the door.   Of course as he came too, they kicked his beaten and confused ass out.  He should be wearing a nice shiner at school tomorrow!

Mule said to take you out with the trash,
and what Mule says goes!

"I still don't understand what the fuck
 happened,everything is hazy for
the last forty minutes or so....
I do remember this giant fist
flyin' at mah face though...."

And it's just funny how these severely drunk dickheads all think they are MMA fighters when they are drunk LOL especially when they go for the takedown LOL

How they THINK it's going to go:
 "Light's out Mule!"

How it actually goes:
College jock:  "Mrmghemmmm"
Mule" "Swallow every drop, you gonna
need protein if you wanna avoid
ANOTHER beatdown from the Mule in the future."

For most of these college bravos, you kinda just push them to the side and they fall down! Heck I can huff and puff and they fall before me like Autumn leaves.

Last time I did it was like ten days ago

I went to the bars, same old shit and the whole night this huge swole 'roided out Arabic looking guy with sunglasses on in the bar was just being obnoxious as fuck.

He was about my size, and I just did not like him. Nothing more, nothing less. So purposely I stand next to him while I order myself a coke and he's bumping into me and I just decided to lay down the law. I made  a hard huge fist...

....turned around right in his face and I said something like  "Those glasses are really gonna hurt!" 

He gives me this thuggish look like "WHA???" 

"Wha?"

I headbutted him and just caught him with a clean shot right in his face. He went down like a sack of shyt. He got up, we exchanged, I didn't take any damage except a spot under my left eye, and he goes down again,,, the bouncers jump in, bouncers bought my story cause it's me vs a drunk Arabic dude with sunglasses. And I  am the Mule and they couldn't metaphorically pucker up any faster for my glutes.

I was like ,  "I am the KING of this TOWN, this is not bad at all." Plus it has the sloots ALL OVER ME, "It's good to be the king!"

The next drunk dude I knocked out, I hit so hard, I had to swing around middle of the next week, to make sure I turned him on  his side and make sure he didn't swallow his tongue. 

Eventually you're going to hit a guy who can handle himself or has his mates that could handle you easily

Him: "Shit son, I eat punks like you for breakfast!"
Me: *GULP!!!!!!!!!!*

Knuckle Sandwich For Mule, order up for MULE!

Mule plays Astronomer, AGAIN!

. There is always someone better than you at anything, so you gonna get wrecked soon

Yes it is true, sometimes Mule ends up in a back alley dumpster, seeing constellations and tweety birds circling his head.  You can't win 'em all, but I DAMN sure win MOST OF THEM.  Nothing like walking into the law officers with a shiner and a fat lip.  They know better than to ask. The running joke is of course:  "You should see the OPPOSING counsel!"

"Hold all my calls!"

True Story. In the last few months it's really become my favorite thing to do. Beating up douchebags, and hurling them in the trash. I know, I know it's a horrible thing to do but it is a form of stress relief... as well as a public service. and I really try to pick out obnoxious douchebags.

Homo douchebagius

Plus it gets me some high quality horned up college sloots.  Don't believe the Oprah crap about how women hate violence, and how peaceful shit would be if women ruled the world.  If women ruled the world, we would all be fighting each other like gladiators for pussy. Well even MORE than we do now. Because it would all be hoez before bros in that universe!

"Are you sloots, not entertained?"

Ask me anything. I probably pulled this shit at least 10 times in the last six weeks. It's really simple if you are sober. You'd be surprised how easy it is There is a certain satisfaction of beating up some drunk obnoxious guy. To see his eyes spinning in his head like the tiles on a one arm bandit, and when it lands on its final position, blood and teeth fragments are discharged from the douche's mouth, and I am collecting chits from all the pussy in the joint. Well somebody's gotta take care of the loud mouth douche bags and keep the sloots of Boulder satisfied! Why not Mule?

Anger Management: A Tyrone Adventure

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