Mule's Blog: The Hearty Boys and the Case of the Missing Meatheads

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The Hearty Boys and the Case of the Missing Meatheads: A Meatheads vs. Sloots Adventure:

Story by Mule and Stefan, original art by Steve

The Hearty Boys unlike the Hardy Boys were a pair of muscled guido brothers (and brahs), Frank and Joe Agostini who were known for solving the various mysteries in the narrow world of Denver Muscleheads.

Frank and Joe Agostini a.k.a. THE HEARTY BOYS

Armbrust Pro Gym (what we muscleheads call Armburst Gym for obvious reasons) in Wheat Ridge is one of the best hard core gyms around, an awesome facility where you can sometimes see the likes of Phil Heath pushing plates there.

MULE pushing plates at 'Armburst' Pro Gym

The "Hearty Boys" were well known fixtures there. Respected for their lifting skills, but otherwise viewed with some degree of raised eyebrows for their various idiosyncrasies. Chief among these was their passion for sleuthing!

You see they fancied themselves the Sherlock and Watson of amateur detectives, although Mule thought they reminded him more of Inspector Clouseau and Cato.

While they fancied themselves to be INTELLECTUALS, usually the adjective DOUCHEBAGS came to mind when Mule was asked to describe the pair.

Frank was the "smart one" of the pair, and the leader, while his older brother Joe fancied himself as "the enforcer" being in Mule's view several quarters short of a dollar when it came to brains.

For Pussies who get 'Man Flu'
on Leg Day
SUCK IT UP WUSSES!

Meathead regulars at the gym don't miss gym days, if they are in a car accident, they will unhook their I.V.'s and crawl to the gym. When several of the regs start disappearing, this provoked comment even from the more focused hardcores. When a flurry of texts went unanswered for a few days, mild concern grew to great alarm. Who or what was at the root of this disappearance of the extremely musclely.

Oh So Dull Henry who works at the Colorado Bureau of Investigation doing some shit that nobody can remember because it is frightfully boring, checked into it for us, and said that missing person reports had been issued for all four of the absent meatheads, but so far there were no leads.

Frank announced: “I will use in-depth forensic analysis and deductive reasoning to get to the bottom of this case.” As he was quoting some television show, Frank subsequently googled the words: forensic analysis, and deductive reasoning to try and figure out what he just said.

'TUG'

The next day Frank came into the locker room brandishing a cell phone of one of the missing meatheads, "Tug", that he found in one of the lockers. "Do you know what this means?" he asked.

"That the janitorial staff is as slipshod as we thought?" offered Mule

Frank flashed Mule a pained look, and then continued addressing the group. "Well, we know Tug never goes anywhere without his phone, it is practically surgically attached, so that means..."

"He must still be here, hiding! C'mon out buddy!" interjected Joe.

"No Joe, what that means...." Frank continued "...is that whatever happened to our missing meatheads, began RIGHT HERE IN THIS GYM, IT'S ELEMENTARY!"

"Well, so far the only common connection between all four of the missing persons IS that they all belonged to THIS gym." added Oh So Dull Henry in his dreary monotone.

"FIVE, missing meatheads, no one has seen 'Dyno' in two days," interjected 'Boomer'. Dyno was the nickname for Grady Lewis, a meathead contraction of Dynamo, as Grady was legendary for his sexual prowess and stamina. It was said he once left Ursula completely 'wore out' and unable to walk for a week.

'DYNO'

Frank frowned: "Is there any OTHER common factor among the missing...think guys!"

'Vienna Sausage' Tony interjected: "Well they ARE all hung like HORSES!"

'Vienna Sausage' Tony

Frank slapped his own forehead: "By Jove, you are right, 'V.S.', someone is abducting the most endowed men in this gym!"

Both Boomer and Mule blanched at this, both renowned at the gym for their considerable endowments.

'Boomer'

Mule muttered under his breath: "Maybe I should start working out over at Iron Warrior Gym on the weekends instead of here!"

It is not like there are not other excellent gyms in Denver...

Joe Agostini noted: "Well, I guess that means, I'm NEXT!"

and the rest of the guys in the locker room broke out in hysterical laughter, the somber mood suddenly lightened.

Mule showered and dressed, eager to lay down as much track as he could between himself and Armburst until this whole thing was settled. He strutted off to his jeep, twirling his keys, when just as he was passing a delivery van for Veldkamp's Flowers, he felt a sharp prick in his neck, reaching up to pull out a large tranquilizer dart, before all faded to black.

Two days later, Frank gathered the gang together to discuss Mule's disappearance.

"His jeep was found abandoned in the parking lot, with only a bouquet on the passenger seat with a card that read 'Congratulations on your blessed event'...very suspicious."

"Indeed, Mule buying flowers is indeed suspicious, I think he has an allergy to spending money at Florists. He always says if any one deserves flowers, it is him, one of those equine championship wreaths to celebrate his horse dong." noted Boomer.

Frank yelled over at Ursula over on the ellipticals. "Hey Urse, you work at a Florist's, what was that bouquet found in Mule's jeep called again?"

"Blooming Bliss" she replied. "Very popular, arrangement."

Boomer laughed: "Maybe you could get Mule to buy a chick a Blooming Onion at Outback, but not shit like that!"

Frank rubbed his chin "Well, if Mule didn't buy it, it must be a calling card left by THE KILLER."

Oh So Dull Henry drearily reminded the group. "We don't know that anybody is dead, they are just missing."

Joe interjected: "Hey Mule left his jeep here. Tugger left his phone, they must be dead, they're all dead, killed here for sure!"

"Not necessarily, there is no sign of violence, and only two of the guys seem to have been abducted from this location, the other four were last scene at various locations in the Denver area..." blandly noted Oh So Dull Henry.

Frank nodded thoughtfully.. "So we have a stalker situation...one that stalks virile, young studs...this means..."

"A STAGE FIVE CLINGER." shouted the group in unison,

"But all six sharing the same clinger?" remarked Oh So Dull Henry with incredulity.

Frank snapped his big fingers: "Perhaps we have a Strangers on a Train type situation!" Frank's detective skills were all based on plot devices he had seen in movies or television.

"Or a Throw Momma from the Train type situation", added Joe

Frank looked annoyed: "I keep telling you Joe, they are basically the same plot, Momma is just a comedy."

"I like comedies!" --countered Joe by way of explanation.

The next day Oh So Dull Henry reported that the law enforcement had looked into all the FTD florists in Greater Denver area who sold the Blooming Bliss arrangement, and could find no recent purchasers of that arrangement with any connection to the missing meatheads. However there were two purchases for the bouquet for funeral flower arrangements, so the flowers might have gone missing from such an event, without any connection between purchaser and the disappearances. This was going to be more complex a puzzle than Frank had originally figured.

Oh So Dull Henry suggested: "We could check out the funeral homes where the two funeral's took place, there was one in Lakewood and one in Aurora."

Frank lit up: "Yeah you could flash your CBI badge, and I could be your civilian consultant...c'mon gang everybody in the van we are going to Lakewood!"

As Oh So Dull Henry was trying to interject that he really thought he should go alone, he was hustled into the van by the gang.

The Armburst Gym gang piled into the
tricked out Agostini van and set off...

They arrived at Eternal Slumbers funeral home, ten minutes later...

Frank handed out binoculars. "While Henry and I talk to the funeral director, Joe, you and the rest of you Scoobies check things out to see if the establishment is a front for some nefarious criminal network."

"Yeah like a front for drug smuggling" offered V.S. Tony

"Or some sort of human smuggling ring." suggested Boomer

"Or some inter-dimensional plot involving the Tall Man, flying spheres and angry midget ghouls!" offered Joe enthusiastically. to pained expressions from the others.

O.S.D. Henry lamely added: "You know it is most likely just a funeral home..."

Frank dismissed his appeal for moderation. "OF COURSE, the funeral home is the center of the conspiracy, always is on television, I am guessing it is trafficking in human organs, bones, sinew... for organ transplants, why do you think they kidnapped prime human specimens like bodybuilders, we're looking at a HUMAN CHOP SHOP."

O.S.D. Henry shook his head in disbelief: "Just let ME do the talking, or we will all get into a world of trouble..."

"Trouble is my middle name..." interjected Frank

"Trouble as in JAIL TIME..." Henry continued

"I'll let you take the lead out of professional courtesy." --Offered Frank.

Harold Hooker, the funeral director at Eternal Slumbers was not what Frank expected, he had prepared for this:

and instead he found himself face to face with this:

still he got a good snigger out of Harry Hooker, even though Mr. Hooker, assiduously used his full given name, Harold. He also proved to be entirely co-operative and not evasive at all which annoyed Frank to no end as it was messing with the narrative.

Harold looked up the funeral, and noted that according to the family wishes, those flowers not selected by the family were to be re-purposed for the graves of veterans, or if too large, donated to the funerals of those that could not afford proper flowers. "This was done, Veldkamp's Flowers was most helpful in carrying out the desires of the bereaved."

Frank frowned and thought: "Veldkamp's Flowers, where have I heard that name before...think Frank...think." But as hard as the mouse in his head ran on the wheel, no relevant thoughts were generated.

Frank returned with Henry to the Mystery Van dejected, feeling they had learned nothing. He addressed the Scoobies: "Did you guys notice anything nefarious going on?"

"Naw," noted Boomer. "But funny story, while you were in there, a delivery van for Veldkamp's Flowers pulled up, and who comes out of the van but Ursula...small world, huh?"

A light bulb turned on above Frank's head: "That is where I heard the name Veldkamp's Flowers before...and Ursula...the link between all the Missing Meatheads, the gym, the funeral home, the flowers....it's URSULA....she has fucked ALL THE MISSING MEATHEADS!"

"Is there anyone at the gym, that Ursula hasn't fucked, c'mon!" noted Boomer incredulously.

Henry, Joe and V.S. Tony raised their hands in answer to the question about who hasn't fucked Ursula.

"Look, there is the Veldkamp's delivery van leaving now...we need to follow Ursula....everybody in the Mystery Van...the game is afoot!"

The meathead Scoobies followed Ursula to Cafe Jordano over on Jewell Street, where she stopped for lunch...and who does she meet there but Brenda, the MMA chick.

The meathead Scoobies confer: "They must be in it together!" concluded Frank. "But we only have one vehicle...who do we tail from here?"

"They might simply be innocently meeting for lunch, our best clues point to Ursula, we should stick with known quantities." O.S.D. Henry remarked sensibly

"We won't learn anything that way, so we follow the MMA Chick!" asserted Frank definitively if impulsively.

The mystery van tailed MMA Chick for two hours, and were beginning to despair of their decision to follow her, when she takes an odd turn, and they follow her out to the old abandoned Gates Rubber Factory on South Broadway in Denver. The site was scheduled for demolition and redevelopment.

"Aha!" --proclaims Frank, "This is where the human chop shop is located, smart, that way no incriminating evidence can be found at the Funeral Home...smart! Soon the evidence here will be blown up by demolition crews, and they will get away with their crimes!"

"We still have no reason to suspect a human chop shop, or ANY connection with the Funeral home!" interjected O.S.D. Henry.

"Nonsense...How else will Ursula and Brenda dispose of the pilfered human body parts...only a Funeral Director would have the necessary connections, use your BRAIN, Henry, use your BRAIN!" snorted Frank derisively.

While they are bickering, Boomer looking through his binoculars notices the Veldkamp's Delivery Van pulling up to the abandoned factory.

"Not likely a flower delivery here! Frank is correct, we have a human chop shop..we got to go in and rescue whichever of our buddies have not been cut up yet!" he added.

"Perhaps we should just make an anonymous call to the police, and let them handle it. They are trained for this." objected O.S.D. Henry.

"...and tell them what? We need to go in NOW! Lives are in the balance, Henry...don't you CARE about our friends?" snorted Frank

"We could report shots were fired, that should bring the police quick enough!" offered Henry trying to calm the meathead Scoobies whose blood was clearly up.

Henry's efforts were fruitless, the meathead Scoobies had all chugged some pre-workout a little while prior, and there was no stopping them now. Henry offered to wait with the van and call for back-up should they need it. The group would not hear of it, it was ALL IN!

"Damn", said Frank, "I forgot to put the walkie talkies in the van."

"We all carry cellphones, Frank, we don't need walkie talkies." Boomer pointed out.

And it was GAME ON:

LEVEL ONE:

Frank, Joe, Boomer, O.S.D. Henry and V.S. Tony enter the factory and immediately are set upon by two tall Amazons with MAD MMA skills. Despite being outnumbered more than 2:1, the Amazons are kicking the asses of the meathead Scoobies and it does NOT look good for our intrepid, if not all that bright, heroes! Part of the problem is the natural reluctance of the Meatheads to hit women, making them hesitant in the fight. But the pressing desire to save their friends, and the rising anger of getting the shit beat out of them by the rain of blows from the Amazons...knocks all chivalry out of our more brawn than brains heroes.

Boomer out muscles one of Amazon sentinels,
putting her in a head-lock with one beefy arm
and in an arm-lock with the other.

The second sentinel is subdued!

Feel my 'sword' Bish, up your hard tight ass!

Tie them and gag them, said Frank, I brought duct tap
and rope! We have to roll!

Sheee-it, that fight made too much noise guys,
we got incoming Amazons!

I will have to play with you later, Bish! Raincheck!

Same with you cupcake, oh the games we will play later,
ta-ta for now!

Three more Amazons approach, limber and lithe minxes with high kicks and flying karate chops. Boomer gets in a lucky punch and knocks out one of the Amazons, the Scoobs then swarm attack the remaining two Amazons taking them down. They tie up the Xenas and move on.

I got this bish! Who has the last one?

This one is toast...another group of Amazons bites the dust!
Go Team Y-Chromosome!

They then proceed to ambush two more Amazon patrols, they become a bit confident as they get into a rhythm and a This is Sparta, groove. Every slight ever inflicted on them by a Double X fueled their combat, hardening their hearts. They were muscles on a mission, and pity the bish who tried to get in their way.

Male Interlopers! Get 'em girls!

The last Amazon patrol were the best fighters encountered so far, but the Scoobs were in the zone, while the hot Xenas were clearly man-crazy, and ultimately their appreciation of the fine, virile masculine specimens battling them, the rippling bulging sinews and test and pheromone rich musk was too much for these horny harpies and distracted them, leading to their inevitable defeat!

I know we are supposed to hate em...and be all 'girl power',
but those guys are HAWT!

Victory for the scoobs, more chicas bound and gagged.....and the victorious Meatheads move up the stairs to the second floor.

LEVEL TWO:

Frank, Joe, Boomer, and V.S. Tony move through factory taking out amazon flunkies on level 2 the level of NINJA AMAZONS with swords, throwing stars, crossbows and shit like that. The first set is a quintet of bad-ass identical sisters who Joe immediately calls the Killer Clones:

Each of these hot Ninjas was as beautiful and
combat capable as the rest.

The Scoobs managed to dodge barrages of crossbow bolts and throwing stars from the Killer Clones, taking advantage of columns, boxes and other features of the factory level. Failing in their projectile assault, the KCs close for hand to hand melee with the scoobs. This time the Meatheads lacked the numerical advantage, being equally matched in that department, and unfortunately for the gang, the Repeats had better combat skills! If it weren't for their overall toughness, stamina,muscle power and a shit load of good ol' plain dumb luck, the Scoobs would have succumbed to these infuriating identicals. The Mirror Maidens each got in 6 or 7 blows for every one the Meatheads connected with. But the Scoobs luckily could handle the kicks and punches, not a glass jaw in the group, and while they were frequently seeing stars and often more clones than there actually were present, the guys fought on, and on the rare moments the men ACTUALLY connected with their punches, they sent the Ninjas recoiling and discombobulated, and finally Scoob after Scoob dropped each of their opponents with powerful clinching blows sending their adversaries into states of slumber as they sagged to the floor, unconscious like sacks of potatoes.

The Scoobies move on and encounter another group of four Ninjas

These women were even more skilled in combat than the last group, although the Scoobies slightly outnumbered them. They were largely naked, and painted green, which did give them a fierce and eerie appearance, until Joe dubbed them the Ninja Turtles, which served to break the spell, and the fight began to swing in the favor of the Meatheads. When the NTs were finally subdued, the Meatheads had to take a break, catching their breaths from the exhaustive struggle, and nursing bodies aching head to toe. O.S.D. Henry suggested the group move more stealthily and try and avoid unnecessary encounters, and was met with outrage protests about the need for speed and the fact that even now:
"Some of our friends may be facing bonesaws and scalpels as they are carved up for donor organs and drained for their blood and plasma!"

After a few more minutes of labored breathing and groans, Frank suggested exactly what O.S.D. had offered, but as it came from Frank and not Henry, it was met with nods and grunts of affirmation, which made O.S.D. narrow his eyes, and grit his teeth.

The Scoobs manage to close on the last group of three Ninjas between them and the stairs to next level. The meatheads hiding behind factory obstacles stealthily approach the Ninjas, gaining the element of surprise. Still the gals showed mad kung-fu skills and despite being outnumbered they proceed to kick Meathead ass.

Boomer manages to climb some scaffolding and knocks some barrels off from the level above to provide a distraction.

He didn't notice the ominous labels on the sides of the barrels as he toppled them down.

As the barrels drop, they unleashed a spray of horrible goo on the ninjas as they closed in on the rest of the Meatheads,who were lying half-stunned on the ground, unable to flee. As the four downed Scoobies try to crawl away, the Ninja trio advancing with katanas drawn, do not notice the menace from above and are coated with the ooze, and scream in anguish as the vile green substance begins to smoke and bubble. Their once beautiful forms dissolve in the caustic goo. The grounded Meatheads luckily are out of the splash zone. The Scoobs, while relieved at not being sliced and diced, are still somewhat disgusted by the gruesome ending to these battling beauties, a damn waste of good vaj and booty, but heck, what can you do? Am I right?

Prepare to Die, Women rule and men Drool!

Looks like we got some Lesbos here, guys.
Time to convert them to the straight and narrow!

Not too straight ad narrow...I do love me some Lesbian action
in porn...as long as there ultimately is a dick joining
in with the chicks!

Damn these Muscle Meatheads are like Timex watches,
they take a licking and keep on ticking,
complained one of the Ninjas

Talks is cheap Muscleman!

We better step up our game guys if we don't want these
Dykes to destroy us!

Damn they are wiping the floor with us, I better find something
we can use to our advantage!

Oh there are some barrels up there, I can drop those down
as bombs, and provide a distraction!

....and the thus triumphant SCOOBS finally reach level 3: The final level!

LEVEL THREE:

The Meathead Scoobies spread out to search out the level, and O.S.D. Henry spots where the captives are being held, but it is not the body part chop shop the Hearty Boys had predicted.

Damn, this certainly is not what I expected!

What the hell is going on, here!

There's Mule....damn he is being used like a prize stallion!

There's Brenda!!! I better get the rest of the guys!

The rest of the Meathead Scoobies arrive to see what O.S.D. Henry saw...The kidnapped bodybuilders drugged and bound either waiting for use, or in front of video displays of really high quality porn, while hooked up to a nightmarish apparatus that looked like a cross between the equine artificial insemination set up described in Mule and the Phantom Mare, and the electricity collection apparatus of The Matrix. The BBs were no doubt locked into pornographic fantasies, to keep their sperm flowing, and fed nutrients solely through I.V.'s.

You are all some crazy ass bitches!--cried Dyno, struggling
against his bonds. The drugs wearing off.

With glutes like these, when it comes to my turn can we
do it the old fashioned way?--asked Amazon #1(Cathy)
No, you know the rules, Cathy!--Responded Amazon #2

A Damn shame! --mused Cathy

Hurry Brenda, Momma Ursula is in the peak of her ovulation!

I bet Mule seed will grow a great baby inside of me!
I know this time it will work!

One helping of Mule jizz, coming up!--laughed Brenda

Brenda and two other hot Amazons were "milking" the captive bodybuilders, and applying collected sperm from the devices via an instrument resembling a turkey baster, directly into the vag of Ursula who was strung up in an angle in stirrups. The whole thing resembled a Fertility Clinic run by female Dr. von Frankensteins.

Boomer notes: "This is no good, we won't be able to get through this gate...we need to find another way in!"

The Scoobies explore some more, and O.S.D. Henry stumbles on another way into the chamber from a loft.

This way guys, time to rock and roll!

Time to assert Y chromosome supremacy over these bishes!

Um I think we just lost the element of surprise while
O.S.D. was busy bloviating!

Excellent, some 'volunteer' sperm donors...
but first I need to test the mettle of your virility,
as I kick your asses!

Somebody needs a spanking!

Like any one of you are man enough, this is the secondary
sperm donor squad! We went for the prime specimens first!

We made short work of a large number of your amazons,
and have taken the hostage...I propose a trade...

"I think NOT! Cathy, Lauren get over here,
we have company!"

Brenda is keenly aware that the girls are greatly outnumbered, and slyly suggests the group fight it out in a duel of single combat: "Our champion versus your champion...unless you guys are...CHICKEN..." The ruse is obvious, but heck it STILL works on Meatheads who don't want to be labelled as Chicken. The Amazons proclaim Brenda their champion, without any thought.

The Scoobs huddle. Even in his somewhat reduced state, the Scoobies agree that Mule is their best fighter. Even 70% of Mule was better than 100% of any of the Scoobies. So they propose him as their Champion, even though he is technically a prisoner and not one of the potential combatants.

So here it is I re-enter the story again as a key protagonist! I'll take it from here on, limited-omniscient third person Narrator, thanks for all your work!

No problem Mule, glad to be of service!

Brenda accepts me as the Meathead champion. MMA Chick is confident. While your Mule is a powerful fighter, she has defeated me before and she is sure she can do it again. Brawling Brenda boasts that she will put this mighty muscleman on his knees and make him suck her clit in front of his gym crew.

So Mule, we meet again in combat, no cousin
with you this time?

How would you like your ass-whoopin' Brenda,
because I'm about to open up a can!

Like before, it is your most magnificently muscled ass that
I am going to hand over to you, Mule!

I flex, showing off my muscles to both impress and intimidate. MMA Chick moves close to me and matches my flex. I have to admit that MMA chick looks fucking hot. Her definition is ridiculous, but she is still just a chick.

Watch that sort of talk, Mule if you want to keep your manhood!

I vividly remember our previous encounter so I’m ready for some solid action.

Before I can react, MMA Chick charges and slams a hard forearm into the side of my head. While I'm stunned, the X-treme Double X viciously kicks me in my unprotected balls, battering my family jewels. Intense pain shoots through my unprotected balls, paralyzing me.

I warned you!

Get off my blog Ronda Rousey, I am trying to tell a story here to the guys, won't put up with any more of your FEMALE interruptions!

Anyways as I was sayin', there I am bending down to clutch my poor gonads, when MMA Chick brings my head down, slamming it into her rising knee. With contempt, she shoves me and I fall down. I land hard on my right shoulder, unable to properly brace myself in time.

I roll onto my left side, clutching my groin and taking the pressure off my sore right shoulder. I shake my head, trying to clear the cobwebs from the two unexpected head shots and the shot to my nuts. The muscular hard body HBB circles me, checking out her handiwork. She keenly notices where I'm injured and gets a big smile on her face.

WHOMP! WHOMP! WHOMP! WHOMP!

I feel multiple boots landing on my aching right shoulder, breaking it down. The villainous beauty reaches down and grabs my right arm. She uses my arm to drag me across the room, putting more pressure on my shoulder, while I struggle to get up, still favoring my aching shoulder. As I get to my feet, I move to forearm my female nemesis, but she grabs my arm, bends it back ...ARGH! Fuck, that hurt. She holds me for a moment then slams me down on the floor with my arm bent behind me. I scream out in real pain.

Brenda is breaking down my aching right shoulder

Fuck, that hurts...I forgot just how good she is,
what have I gotten myself into!

Not stopping for even a second, MMA Chick leaps and comes down, planting her foot on my right bicep. All I can do is moan and roll away, grabbing my arm in pain. This unholy Fury gives the watching audience a flex, obviously feeling pretty confident. The ladies cheer, the dudes look worried, did they pick the wrong champion?

MMA Chick stalks me, like a panther. She grabs my right wrist, dragging my 260-lb muscled body across the floor before the femme fatale uses my right arm to force me to my feet. She twists my right arm hard into an armbar. I move up to my tip toes, but the pressure is still strong. Oh fuck, I feel like I have a separated shoulder, it hurts so badly!

She twists my right arm hard into an armbar,
I feel like a chewtoy in the grip of the jaws of a pitbull!

“How’s the arm, Mule? You ready to submit?” she asks in a surprisingly calm, almost seductive voice. "With the fresh meat here, it will be a bit before we need to put you back in the rotation for milking!"

"Never! Fuck you!" I yell.

This pugilistic Annie Oakley was showing me that anything I can do she can do better...

She flexes her bulging, perfect muscles, taunting me. The she-devil continues to stalk me and flex as I climb to my hands and knees. My shoulder isn’t dislocated, but it is definitely damaged. In mere moments, MMA Chick has done a lot of damage to me! Confidently, the MMA Mademoiselle steps over me, reaching down and locking on another tight armbar. She plants a knee on my shoulder, forcing me face first to the floor. Brenda slides her knee over the back of my neck, positioning all her weight to hold me down. I kick the floor in frustration as she bends my right arm back, further tearing at my shoulder. She clearly knows wrestling!

Brenda locking on another tight armbar,
your Mule is in serious trouble readers!

MMA Chick keeps up the pressure and I feel my shoulder giving. I try to move, but I can’t. Brenda re-positions, pushing my arm down. She drives a series of five knees into my shoulder then leaps over and plants one foot against my head and the other against my side. The Mauling-MMA-Mary pulls hard, stretching my arm as I lie helplessly face down on the floor. I feel like my shoulder will give at any second. With every ounce of strength I have, I manage to lift myself up, turn and yank out of her hold. I drive forward, clubbing the side of her head with my left forearm. I scramble to my feet. MMA Chick jumps up and runs towards me. I lift my foot, but she slides under it, and before I realize what she’s doing, she grabs my ankles and pulls my feet out from under me. I land face first on the floor with a thud.

I feel like my shoulder will give at any second

"Clumsy, Mule. Here, let me help you." I hear her taunt me coyly.

MMA Chick grabs my right wrist. She brings me to my feet and wrenches my arm behind me. I stumble back in agony. With ease, she bends my right arm behind me, up my back. She forces my right arm into a chicken wing. The arrogant muscle bitch walks me around the room. She takes her time, savoring her complete control over me. When we reach the center of the room, she bends down and plants a hand on my ass, while maintaining the chicken wing. In one move, showing the full measure of her incredible strength, she thrusts up, lifting my 260 lbs body off the floor by my bent and injured arm and bubble ass.

"YEAH ! YOU'RE NOTHING, MULE! NOTHING!" MMA Chick drops me hard to the floor and flexes over me as I lie there, still moaning in pain.

YEAH ! YOU'RE NOTHING, MULE! NOTHING!

"Get ready, Mule, because you will be sucking my clit next. Fuck, I knew you were no match for me, but this is too fucking easy." She steps back, finally giving me a breather.

Brenda steps back, finally giving me a breather,
that bish is toying with me now!

My boys try to shout some encouragement to me. OSD for some reason, leans over and asks me "What's happening?"

"She's kicking my ass, what the fuck do you think is happening?" I snarl back between gulping down as much air as I can.

I keep rubbing my shoulder and shaking my arm. Feeling is coming back, but if she goes after it again (and why wouldn't she?), I'm in trouble. I look over at her just standing with her hands on her hips, waiting for me to make my move.

When I get close, MMA Chick punches my abs, but I barely feel it. I do feel it, though, when she drives her arm up between my legs, slamming it into my big balls! I topple back in surprise and pain, landing on my ass. MMA Chick springs forward and grabs my right arm. She wrenches it around and I cry out.

Son of a bitch, I can't believe she cheap-shotted my balls again! And I fell for it again!

While I am thinking this, Brenda proclaims: "And the crowd goes wild! When I'm done with you, Mule, you'll have to change your name from Mule to Lefty!"

THAT'S IT, THIS BISH IS GOING DOWN, GOING DOWN BIG TIME!

MMA Chick pins my head down with her knee as she twists my aching arm. She forces me onto my back. Then the Brazen Bitch Brenda climbs on top of me and bends my arm up, folding it over her. She moves in, so we're face-to-face. I'm in pain as she tortures my arm. I can't move her off me. Suddenly the Pain-Maiden lifts herself up, pulling my shoulders off the floor by her arm hold. Damn, what an arrogant fucker! She had me!

MMA Chick releases my right arm and climbs off me. Damn, what an insufferable man-eater! She had me pinned! As if reading my mind, she says in a low voice that only I hear, "Everyone knows that I had you pinned, Mule. I could have taken you with a 3-count. But I'd rather make you suffer!"

I steel my will, embarrassed at her sheer dominance of me. Fuck if I lose this fight, I will never live it down at the gym! She grabs my legs and flips me onto my stomach. MMA Chick grabs my wrists and pulls them back, planting a foot on my ass to hold me down. My chest comes off the floor as she yanks my shoulders. I want to submit, it would be the smart thing to do, but my ego won't let me quit and I can't let my crew down. I struggle to focus. I breathe slowly, thinking about what to do, instead of how much this hurts. MMA Chick drops me. She doesn't want me to quit, anyway. She having too much fun.

She backs off again and I struggle to my knees.

She smacks my head, taunting me. She grabs the back of my head and rubs her pussy in my face, humiliating me some more

When she's done, she hammers the side of my head with forearms. I lay there limply, unable to move.

I lay there limply, unable to move, this is not exactly going
the way I planned it in my head!

She immediately goes for my right arm, lying over me and twisting my arm into a figure four armlock. My opponent leans back into a kneeling position, sitting on my left forearm. She keeps the armlock on tightly, dragging me up, putting pressure on my right shoulder as she holds my torso in this awkward position. I feel pain shooting through my arm and shoulder, into my back. Even with with me trying to mask it, the pain is obvious. My eyes are closed tightly as I fight the urge to submit, my mouth open and grimacing as I groan in agony. MMA Chick rolls back again, this time up to her feet. She lifts me up by the figure four armlock and sends spasms through my whole body. I know she can feel my suffering and it seems to energize her.

I swing my free hand into her abs, but she ignores the blow. MMA Chick tightens the arm hold and my knees buckle. She doesn't let me go down and the pain is almost unbearable.

I moan: "Oh God ... ..." as MMA Chick releases the hold and switches to a standing wrist lock.

MMA Chick lets go of my arms and forces my head back, arching my spine as she wedges my face into her armpit. In one smooth move, she drops down in a reverse or inverted DDT, driving my back and head into the floor. I'm completely stunned by the impact, knocked nearly unconscious.

I am once again laid out on the floor like a side of beef

I am laid out on the floor like a side of beef. MMA Chick must think the same as she calls out: "Anybody want a piece of meat? I got some freshly tenderized Mule!"

MMA Chick stomps my chest several times. The powerful athletic female Heel walks around me several times, flaunting her complete control, as MMA Chick sizes me up. For some reason, she has toyed with me more than once, instead of going for the win, but you can sense that she's finally done with that. She plans to go for the kill.

She backs up and runs her thumb across her throat in a gesture telegraphing my fate to the onlookers. MMA Chick charges across the room at full speed going for a frog splash. When she gets close, I surprise her by summoning the strength to lift my legs. My foot smashes into her pretty face. MMA Chick staggers back. I see her shaking out her head. I steel my will and move forward, clotheslining her down with my left arm.

I quickly start pounding on her abs with my foot again. She curls up, but I kick her flat

I see her writhing, but I know this isn't over. I grab her right arm and pull her up, putting my left shoulder into her stomach.

OOMPFFFFFFF!!!!!!!

MMA CHICK SAY HELLO TO FOOTBALL DUDE!

When she falls forward, I lift her up over my shoulder. She hangs there limply and I carry her around the room. I bounce her up and down, letting gravity work on her abs.

Delivery man! Did anyone here order a beatdown brawler bish?

I acknowledge the exuberant cheers of the formerly
disheartened meatheads

Hey O.S.D. you haven't got laid in ages, you want a crack
at this pummeled pussy?

I conquered her guys, so I get first dibs, sorry,
but those are just the Meathead rules!

After a few laps around the room, I flip her forward, slamming her back onto the floor and deliver more ab shots.

A cheer goes up from the males in the room. I step back several several feet, waiting for her to stand back up. As soon as she makes it to her feet, I charge out of the corner. MMA Chick isn't surprised this time. As I expect, she counters by running at me. I lower my left shoulder, duck under her charge and I use my football skills to tackle her down to the floor.

Never had quite such an attractive tackling dummy
when I played for Duke!

Let me introduce you to the physics of momentum

My mass times my velocity results in your acceleration!

The wind leaves her body as I flatten her. Dumbass! Like I would go for the same move twice. My shoulder sinks deep into her abs. I roll her onto her side. I plant my shins in the small of her back and roll back, hoisting her off the floor in a bow and arrow backbreaker. I hold her by the chin and ankle and crank it hard. MMA Chick moans as she is stretched. I wrench harder, pulling her head and feet to the floor.

This move guys, is called a Bow and Arrow Backbreaker!

Notice the control I exert over this bish!

This hold renders her powerless, now I can have some fun!

I can play with her like a puppet...

Dance for the guys, Brenda!

I pull as hard as I can and suddenly, I hear a weak, whispering "give" come from her mouth. I pull harder and say, "Louder, so everybody hears...!"

MMA Chick moans and says, "ARGH! no ... fuck ... fuck ..." , she cries out, "I GIVE! I GIVE! I GIVE!. Let me the fuck go!"

MULE WINS!!!

MULE WINS!!!

Me Tarzan, You in a world of Pain!

YEAH... this time you lost bitch!!!

After their victory, the Meathead Scoobies and the rescued prisoners had their way with the army of amazons. Being the Hero of the Day, I naturally had the first "dance", and I chose Brenda:

Be a good sport and allow yourself to enjoy this Brenda,
no need for resignation!

Yeah, that's the ticket, no point in just laying their like a lump!

Limber little minx, aren't you, do you do yoga or something?

Fucking is even better than fighting!

After a go with Brenda, and now drained of every last spermatozoa in my body, and also nursing a sore set of balls from the fight, I decided to sit out the rest of the "prom" and cheered the rest of the gang on from the sidelines as they shagged and horizontal bopped. They fucked them hard, but then pulled out and spewed on their faces and breasts, to deny these maternally minded harridans the precious gift of their superior sperm, that the amazons so desperately craved. V.S. Tony tried his best, but his little gherkin even fully erect, was just not up to the job, but fortunately there were better endowed men to finish the work he started.

V.S. Tony was simply not up to the task...

Let me pinch hit for you V.S., said Tug,
I have a bigger and better bat!

Dyno's big black cock was extremely popular
with the Amazons & Ninjas

Joe's turn up at bat!

Boomer was eager to get in on the action!

Oh So Dull Henry realized he need to get in on the action!

He set his eyes on Brenda, but she was engaged
with a more decisive cock

Frank had corralled Brenda!

Frank's turn up at bat!

You snooze, you loose Henry-boy!

Liking my Italian sausage, babe?

mmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Ohhhhh Frannnnnk!

You could have saved yourself a whole lot of trouble and
effort if you just had ASKED me to impregnate you with my
fine Italian seed in the first place, bish!

O.k. we are done here, Henry, time to hit the
next sloot in rotation!

Even O.S.D. got lucky... but unlike the others, Henry fell in love.

Isn't this a much better way to get pregnant and so
much more fun...??

Much better than a baster..

Then O.S.D. went and ruined it...

You want to be my girlfriend?

You are a fine piece of meat, O.S.D., and a passable fuck,
but no way could I take being your girlfriend...

Copyright and Trademark Notice:

Meatheads vs. Sloots is a proprietary game by Mulesblog Games Ltd. and available in only the most swole game stores!

Legal Warning Notification:

Mulesblog Legal Department also cautions us pursuant to section 46:3 of the You Ain't Shit and are Likely to end in Physical Rehab Act to include the following notice, the adventures above were performed by truly unprofessional trained Meatheads, they are stunts not meant to be performed against bad-ass chicas by all you so-called "bodybuilders" or you may suffer humiliation similar to those encountered by this cross-fit piker:

End Note:
All trace of the factory and the events of this story have been utterly destroyed by the demolition of the factory, environmental clean up, and redevelopment of the site as a light rail train station and commercial real-estate tower by Frontier Renewal. Ursula and Brenda, through their legal representation, have issued a 'no comment' on events described above.