Mighty Cops II: Murder in Flower Ranch, Texas

Continued from Mighty Cops of Flower Ranch Part One, check it out first if you haven't read it!

Flower Ranch PD was infamous for its abuse of authority,
especially the abuse of civil asset forfeiture, looks like these
 donuts are going to become forfeited! 

"Doc Bones", the county Coroner and Justice of the Peace "Marry and Bury"), is at a Chiropractic Convention in Las Vegas.

"Doc Bones" the rather shady  County Medical Examiner 

 Nevada. His son, "Bones Jr.", the Assistant County Coroner, takes charge of the suspected crime scene. Bones, Jr's  medical training consisted of one failed semester at dental school and an on-line course in death investigations presented by Trump University.  He had taken a course in Deep Tissue Erotic Massage from the Illustrious WESTATiC, and used unused gurneys at the morgue for his side business, which was quite lucrative, as Jr. was a county heartthrob.  

Jr. had the looks and morals of a Television
 Soap Opera character.

Sometimes morals WORSE than that of a Soap Opera
 character!

The Coroner has not ruled any deaths to be the result of a homicide in the County in 15 years (even longer in the municipality of Flower Ranch), and that's just the way the County likes it.  Jr. was not about to mess with that track record. 

Famously, on May 5, 2009, a prisoner was found dead in his cell, hanging by the neck from a leather belt, completely naked. The coroner concluded that he had suffocated himself during an ill-advised attempt at autoerotic asphyxiation. Just another wacky choke-wanking accident - Open and shut case!  Pesky Reporter Gary McGuire of the Austin American-Statesman, did the whole fake news bit on behalf of the bereaved family, pointing out that the prisoner had been blindfolded, gagged, and cuffed, with his wrists and ankles bound together. He was actually hogtied, which is a very difficult position to get into without help ... and called in the  FBI.

 If that wasn't weird enough, the prisoner also had a hypodermic needle in each of his arms, and words were written all over his body with a marker, including "bitch" and "cocksucker." Oh, and there was also a drawing of a vagina on his belly. But the Coroner said that the jail cell was locked from the inside, so the Prisoner must have done it himself. The FBI's medical examiner, Dr. Reid, reportedly demanded to know "What sort of jail cells lock from the inside, for fucks sake"

Dr.  "Nerd"  Reid testifying at the inquest.

but his question was ruled out of order at the inquest because he was "not a locksmith " and was a NERD, and hence could only ask medical questions.  The Bailiff then gave the nerd a wedgie, and escorted him roughly out of the courtroom. 

The Bailiff, Deputy Mike "Muscles" Madden,
hated nerds!

The inquest upheld the Coroner's finding of suicide.  

The victim: D.O.A. 

The Assistant Medical examiner arrives and sees this would
 not be an easy situation, this was no heart attack.

Bones Jr. on the case. 
Yup, I would say this man is DEFINITELY deceased!

Young Bones Jr is the acting Coroner while his father is out of town.

Looks accidental to me but I better get some evidence for my
report, he thinks.

Junior was sporting his new Department of  Medical Examiner/Coroner jacket, but that three person operation could scarcely be called a Medical Examiner's office, much less a department, as Doc doubled as a Justice of the Peace, Jr. a masseur, and Nurse Haring as the County records clerk,  Podunk counties are like that...

Don't lose that body, Take it to the morgue. I am going to
need it later

Little Bones take charge of the crime scene. "Don't lose that body, Take it to the morgue. I am going to need it later. I have a buyer for the kidneys and corneas... uh, I mean I need to do an autopsy."

I am going to need it later. I have a buyer for the kidneys and
corneas... uh, I mean I need to do an autopsy

I wonder what the fuck I am supposed to do first?
Bones Jr thinks. I sure wish Pop was here.

"I wonder what the fuck I am supposed to do first?"   Bones Jr thinks. "I sure wish Pop was here.  What was that phrase my dad always using when natural causes won't work, oh yeah Death by Misadventure."  He look over at his gym buddy Officer Bob for help.

Bob: "You know DOA has an identical twin brother, MIA. We just brought him in to ID the body. Maybe you could use him to re enact the events to see if that helps you figure it out..."

Jr: "Great idea!"

M.I.A. had a  RATHER dubious reputation in a town where
dubious reputations were commonplace.

DOA's twin brother, MIA, feigning a tear: "I am willing to help anyway I can, Doc, to help bring justice for my late, beloved twin brother!"

"We are ruling it an accident, we just need your help with the details," noted Junior.

MIA flashes a smile: "Even better!"

We are ruling it an accident, we just need your help
with the details

"Let me get some of your body measurements for my forensics," Bones Jr requests.

Let me get some of your body measurements for my forensics,
We will start with height and weight. Looks like 292 lbs.

"...We will start with height and weight. Looks like 292 lbs."

Let me try something for the unofficial report..

Try and scream, I want to see if your cries would be sufficiently
 muffled

Damn your traps, are massive, but look at those knots, when is
 the last time you had a massage.

Relax, I am WAY better at massages, than I am at forensics!

Damn you have a really magnificent body, I can't wait to get
 my hands on it!

"I better get my assistant, Nurse Red Haring, to assist me."

Give us a moment, MIA, I have to give Nurse Haring,
a briefing on what we have found so far, she likes to
be very thorough.

Sure Doc, I will be just outside!

The briefing took almost 30 minutes and Nurse Haring was really into it, she was moaning and when it got to the more intense review of the evidence, Nurse Haring was overcome with emotion and was screaming: "Oh, God! Oh God! Don't stop! Oh my lawwwwwdd!" When MIA rejoined them, both were all hot and sweaty from the review.

You are showing more interest in my body than that bastard of
 a brother of yours ever did!

That is because my brother was gay, and I'm not!  Although it
 was pretty funny seeing you trying too seduce him month,
after month, Ol' Doc here must not  be as endowed as us
 Anselm boys, so you were hungry for an upgrade, eh?

Shut your fat gob, Michael!  Red's MY main girl!

You are as big a bastard as your brother was! snarled Red

Just remember what happened to your twin bro, when
he got too big for HIS britches!

"Is that a a a ththreat?" stammered MIA, unsure of himself for just a moment.

"No, just a promise!" sneered Nurse Haring, and Junior laughed!


Porn pics

At his point, I poked my head in, to see what was up, and whether I could finagle some way to get Moonbeam released...

"So what brought DOA to the station again, and his untimely end? I wonder, mused Sarge


"It looks like he brought some porn with him..."  I remarked, admiring the collection.

"Well, actually that is Short Stack's private porn stash but we all use it," noted Sarge.

"Well, DOA, certainly took his liberties then, given my brother wasn't a cop, and what do you mean came to the station again, what brought him here the first time,"  MIA inquired.

Sarge swallowed realizing his inopportune words.  "He wanted to see about joining my bowling team, but I said it was for law enforcement only, league rules."  Sarge was a skillful liar.

"Well I am no expert, but given the small amount of blood and forensic evidence here, I would say the murder took place elsewhere and all this was...staged," remarked Junior.

"You're no expert?"  I wondered silently,  "...aren't you the Medical Examiner?"  but I judiciously held my tongue, which y'all know is hard for me, it was only later I learned of the rather questionable qualifications of the Assistant Coroner and Nurse Haring here, and the dubious record of his father, detailed above.

"Well, they would not have dragged a big guy like this far, and they would have to get him in without getting noticed by a station full of cops!" Offered Nurse Haring.

Red Haring, looked familiar to me, than a scene in the porn movie, gave me a clue, she wasn't in the movie, but I would know those knockers anywhere, that was Ivanna Fuch, star of   the  Marvel porn parodies: Assenders, and Assenders: Semen War where she played Back Window and wore a mask.  Not the best known porn flicks, but I am an aficionado, and in conservative Texas, Red's secret might be worth killing for.   I filed that away for future use, I would definitely have to nail her before I left Flower Ranch.

"Excellent points Red, I told you watching CSI marathons would come in handy some day!" exulted Junior.  "But how do we locate the real crime scene?"

"I am no expert", I interjected, "but perhaps if we followed those bloody streaks on the floor, they might give us a clue..."

I will have to take all of this back with me as evidence,
noted Junior eyeing the porn.

The porn got me thinking as to where I had seen
Nurse Haring, before.

This guy reminds me of you and DOA, must be a clue,
better take this film with me!

Red snorts:  What use do you muscleheads need of porn when
 there are hot, real flesh and blood women in this town to be
had? I could have commented, but  I did not,
still aiming to bang her!

The streaks of blood led back to a disused women's locker room, back when the force and two female officers (meter maids) who were let go because of budget cuts,  the officers, Andrea and Mei-Lin were lipstick lesbians and lovers, this contributed to their being chosen for the cutbacks as they were hot, yet unavailable to their male fellow officers, contributing to morale problems. They did look great in their uniforms as pictures on the wall can attest.   With female officers, their locker room was now used for storage, and for a place for cops to "interview" female witnesses and suspects.  The blood went past the locker to a single shower stall,  the killer must have lured poor DOA there, not realizing the water was turned off there, thus the killer could not wash away the evidence, thus poor Willy, the Janitor would have to deal with the blood splatter!

Sarge eliminated the two sorority sisters from the suspect list, the crime scene was too messy and gross to be the work of those rather squeamish young ladies, they had refused to use the Ladies Room earlier because there was barf in one of the sinks, even when they were told there were two other sinks, so no big thing! Plus moving a body the size of DOA, and staging the crime scene seemed beyond their capabilities, even if they worked together.  I concurred with his conclusions, hoping to bang those two chicks before I left as well. 

I noticed a shoe print in one of the blood streaks, it was partial, so one could not figure size, but it did seem not wide enough to be Ed's or Sam's clodhoppers, I pointed this all out, and the  Keystones all nodded sagaciously, although I could see the glazed blank looks of utter stupidity, in all their eyes, but that of Sarge.  Still I had not completely eliminated either one, on the grounds they might have had an accomplice or been accomplices.  I kept that factoid to myself, to earn trust and thus the support of Ed and Sam in my efforts to free Moonbuggie.  Still clumsy as the crime scene and staged crime scenes were, wouldn't that eliminate Sarge in favor of these other maroons?  Then I recalled that Sarge only seemed smart by comparison to the muscleheads that worked for him!


As I continue my sleuthing,  Moonchild approaches me, whining at me to get him out of this scary place, this DYEL has never been in Hardcore Beasts Gym on a Friday night, if he thinks THIS place is scary.  

Moonpie has never been in Hardcore Beasts Gym on a Friday
 night, if he thinks THIS place is scary...

I am working on it Moonrise, in the meantime
MAN THE FUCK UP!

I replied with a sneer: "I am working on it Moonrise, in the meantime MAN THE FUCK UP!"

I noticed that Moonchild has feet that would be the size of the foot print... but he was too much of a wuss, to do this deed on his own...perhaps he had an accomplice...but what was his motive... was there something Moonchild was up to that he didn't want Mommy, who controlled his trust fund, to know?  Did MIA, have something on him that he was blackmailing Moonbeam?  That would fit with MIA's m.o.

Then I noticed, Moonpie walk over and be whispering to Studd of all people, Studd was a pretty scary looking character for Moonrock to just walk up to as a stranger, and they seemed AWFULLY chummy...did they work together to kill DOA, thinking he was MIA...what would be Studd's motive...money...or did he also have a beef with MIA...

MIA brawling with Short Stack

While looking for clues, I came upon a fight between Short Stack and MIA outside the holding cells, I had no idea what it was all about, but I was determined to find out!

He may have been a manlet, but under that uniform,
Short Stack was more jacked than any of us suspected,
he was looking less and less like a DYEL and more and
 more like a half-pint Terry Crews!

You banged my girl MIA, now I am going to kick your ass
 into next week!

"I  also want that tape back, MIA, if you don't want to end up like your brother..."

"You know the price for the tape, and my silence about the incident, Short Stack, your threats don't intimidate me, I am not my brother... Who do you think SOLD me the tape... as for kicking my ass, you can always TRY, but I wouldn't put any money on your chances of success."

The plot was getting thicker, and I began to wonder if any one didn't have a motive in this station, I continued my sleuthing.


Miss Alice proves strong and has a mean right cross

I overheard an argument between Miss Alice and MIA. They were in interrogation room A, and I watched through the one-way mirror and flipped the mic to ON...

"I know you are pimping my sorority girls out as prostitutes, MIA, MY girls are good wholesome sluts who are meant for college boys, and not whores for a lowlife like you, spreading their legs for bikers and soldier boys out of Killean to pad your bank account.  Be sure, I am going to shut you down, one way or another!"

"Were you the one who killed DOA thinking he was me?"

"Darling, if I want somebody dead, they will never find the body!"

"You and what army, bitch!"

"Nobody calls me a BITCH!"

Miss Alice was one tough broad for a Sunday school teacher and a Sorority House Mother.  She seemed part Ronda Rousey, part Amanda Nunes and part Michelle Nicolini.

She laid into MIA like a bat out of Hell.  Formidable fighting skills, unexpected strength, and as I watched her amazing kicks, revealing the right sized foot to make the bloody foot print...

Miss Alice was fiercer and stronger than she seemed!

MIA quickly realizes in terms of punching and kicking game, he is outmatched by Miss Alice, and moves to take advantage of his size and strength.

MIA  muscles flexed, as his body pushed up against his adversary, trying to force her to the ground. They locked eyes as their arms bulged and strained with the struggle. Both were grunting loudly.  But the imbalance in strength, so strongly in MIA's favor, quickly became apparent. 


MIA's biceps inflated like balloons as they pressed their advantage over his female assailant. Hi back was wide as a barn door, thick with rippling sinews, Miss Alice was being driven down to ground and crushed like a python between his massive arms and impressive pec shelf.  This was no longer a battle, but an act off utter domination, Alice  remained stoic other than the occasional grunt. Her back soon began to twitch and spasm.  

 She moaned pitifully as MIA forced her on to the ground, pinning her with his bulk.  With a big left hand he reached up under her dress, pulled down her panties and began to finger her,  her moaning now of quite a different character.  She plead with him to stop, but her voice was not convincing that that was her true wish.

With his other hand, he slid down his pants and pulled out a giant donger, whose size and girth, frankly made me a little envious.  He than proceeded to fuck her better and harder than even Sarge had managed, until she was calling out his name, and begging him not to stop.  I perhaps lingered longer watching than I needed, but you never know what...um...clues you might learn watching such a performance.


Rusty the Grim Reaper?

I had learned that Rusty had a temper to match his hair, and went to ask him a few questions, only to hear him arguing with MIA, in the hall leading to the property room.  Was there ANYONE in this department who didn't have a beef with MIA?  Rusty better lay off the 'roids if he was going to roid rage as much as I heard he did, and if he didn't want to lose those red locks and become a baldy like most of this roided out department!

"You better watch your fucking step, boy, if you don't want to fucking end up like your shithead twin bro, I have had enough of your shit MIA, and you better not fucking try to shake me down again, if you know what is good for you."

I ineffectively hid behind a ficus as Rusty stormed past.  "You better watch your step too, Lawyer boy, I got fucking eyes on you too!"

GULP! I wondered what that was all about!

What about Bob?

I passed by the door to the copier room and as the door was slightly ajar...

"I got five reasons why you are going to pay up that $5000 dollars you owe me ASAP, you donut gobbling piece of shit," MIA said curling his fingers of a right hand into a fist and making a majestic biceps flex, "and here are five more, he added going into a double biceps pose.  You lose at cards, you got to pay, and with  15% interest cuz you are late!"

"Back off MIA, I am an officer of the law, and that means I can legally kill you in Texas!"

"Like you killed my brother, thinking he was me?  Perhaps I should collect a pound of flesh by pounding your flesh, in addition to the cash!"

"Who I may or may not have killed, you will have to wonder about, just remember I am a dangerous adversary!"

Was it Studd or Sarge?

In my snooping I caught a snippet of an argument between Sarge and Studd as I was heading back to Sarge's office to talk to him about Mooncrater's case, that was my whole reason for being in this slimeball town.  I overheard from inside:

"How did DOA find out about our deal, if it wasn't from YOU Sarge?"

"I don't know Studd, but does it matter now?  The situation is handled now, so why dwell on it."

"Indeed, THAT matter is closed, but I still have concerns about your discretion."

With that Studd storms off, bumping into YOURS TRULY.

"I like you Mule, but concentrate on getting your client off, and don't be poking your nose into matters, that don't concern you...it would be better for your health, if you catch my drift!"  In his anger, he had dropped the fake Texas drawl and spoke the threat in a posh Eton prep school accent, make it icily more sinister.

I enter, but as soon as I bring up Moonbuggy's case, he cuts me off and snarls "Not a good time city-boy lawyer!  Not a good time!"

I then go back to Mooncrater. To let him know the status of his case, but as I was explaining the situation, everything I had seen and heard started flooding into my head, fitting together like a puzzle.  

I have an idea!

"Those are nice shoes, Moonbeam, I think I might want to get me a pair, if they come in Men's sizes, can I see the heels on those, I am rather particular about my footwear.  The left, now the right.  Yeah, too much of a heel, good for Manlets, but not a Manmore like me."

I think for a moment, then ask: " I am curious, how do you know Studd?  He doesn't seem to be someone you would associate with..."

"He is helping with my physical training, weights, cardio, etc.  I am planning to enter the Austin Marathon this February."

"Do you like watching Boxing, MMA, BJJ, you know bloodsports... because I have a couple of tickets..."

I saw a look of sheer horror on Moonlander's face:  "I am a vegan, pacifist, I absolutely abhor physical violence of any kind!"

A smile crosses my face.  That was all I needed to know.

I go to Sarge and say: "Have everyone meet me at the Brass Knuckle Roadhouse in an hour, in the back room, I have something to share with you that you will ALL be interested in, but I need to do it on neutral territory."

Sarge frowned at my impertinence, but his curiosity got the better of him and he finally and reluctantly agreed!

Coming Next:  Epilogue, Case Closed.

Mule pulls a Columbo, and solves the case...