STORY BY MULE, EDITS BY EDIT-BRAH, ORIGINAL ART BY ARTIST-BRAH, ADDITIONAL PICTURE WRANGLING BY MULE AND EDIT-BRAH
My phone rang early one morning, I checked the ID and it was my Aunt. Since every call from her lasts at least an hour and is really more me listening than saying anything; I made sure my phone was fully charged and got a Mt. Dew and a bag of Doritos before I called her back. She frequently calls to tell me about some thing earth-shaking she read on FaceBook. The last one is she read that the new COVID vaccine was made out of the lung tissue of aborted Caucasian male fetuses. So I don't feel the need to call her back immediately.
Ten minutes later I was comfy in my big recliner with drinks and snacks and called her back. She answered mid-way thru the 1st ring.
"Mule, this is your Aunt Toni...." mind you I had called her...on her cell... if anyone else had answered I probably would be dialing 911... anyway as usual I can't even get a "hello" in so I just listen...
"I just found out your cousin, well actually your 7th cousin by marriage thrice removed..."
I think: What the fuck does that mean and is that even really a cousin...?
"Your cousin Hamish McMule of the Clan McMule from Scotland is arriving in Dallas on Wednesday. Has an interview at Baylor about being a foreign student on some kind of scholarship...I didn't get the details on that as I tend to zone in and out as my aunt is yammering on.
"Your cousin Hamish McMule of the Clan McMule from Scotland is arriving in Dallas on Wednesday. Has an interview at Baylor about being a foreign student on some kind of scholarship...I didn't get the details on that as I tend to zone in and out as my aunt is yammering on.
"This is his first time he's even been anywhere out of his home country. He's only 17. He will be in the US for a week. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..." I sort of, kinda zoned out again.
"So therefore the family would feel so much better if you could look after him while he is in Texas. " The family? I never any knew we had any relatives in Scotland, and now they are 'family'. Well I'm not going to baby-sit a somewhat suspect cousin, but I guess I can pick him up at the Dallas airport and drive him down to Waco. I am pretty sure they have a shuttle from Baylor to the Dallas airport that he can take back. He was from Scotland? Scotland?
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| How I envisioned Scotland |
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| Scotland in reality! |
Dallas airport, early Wed morning. Chilling in the pick-up carpark and I get a curt one-word text "Here" coming up in my contacts as SUSPECT COUSIN, so I swing into the pick-up lane and drive up to the pick-up spot. I spot a tall, good-looking and athletic built kid with red hair and green eyes. As a bodybuilder, I instinctively evaluated his physique with my experienced bodybuilder eye. He was a hell of a stud - about six feet tall, very muscular and lean, weighted 215 lbs, He had a 48" chest that tapered down to a rock-hard 29" waist, and he sported 17 1/2" biceps, thick tree trunk quads. His whole body is on point, the young dude was stacked!
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Hamish McMule of the Clan McMule |
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| The Canyonero |
"I aint gae ye eejit. Dae ah keek lik' a jamie tae ye, mon? 'n' tis a kilt, nae a skaiht!" As he snarled out his response spewing rabid spittle, his accent sounds sorta like a cross between a young Fat Bastard in the Austin Powers Movies and a teen-age version of Groundskeeper Willie from the Simpsons.
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I aint gae ye eejit. Dae ah keek lik'a jamie tae ye, mon? 'n' tis a kilt, nae a skaiht! |
"Errrrm wotto the fucko?? no understando....wait uno momento," I say as I fumble for my iPhone 12 Pro Max
"SIRI!" I bark, "Translate.... whatever the fuck he is speaking... to English..." I command, summoning the power of All-knowing Apple from the cloud.
http://www.scotranslate.com/ whirred to life, based Steve Jobs had heard my plea.
GOOGLE TRANSLATE: I'm not gay, you idiot. Do I look like a gay to you, man? And it's a kilt, not a skirt!
His skirt is not a skirt, but a kilt? I think, "Sure, Jan, you can call your skirt whatever you want, but it still looks like something worn by old-timey female field hockey players."
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| Old-timey female field hockey players |
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| My cousin in comparison, you decide! |
"Hey I'm doing you a solid there, kid! How about showing a little gratitude instead of copping an attitude, skirt-man!" There is an air of privilege, entitlement, and arrogance about this ginger kid that is pissing me off.
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| Watch your attitude skirt-man! |
"Yer nae daein' me a favor, I nae a wee bairn ah dinnae need or waant a babysitter!"
GOOGLE TRANSLATE: You're not doing me any favors, I ain't a little kid, I'm gonna be 18 in 2 months. I didn't ask for, don't need, and don't want a babysitter...
Needless to say I was a tad perturbed at the unmitigated insolence of this presumptive and precocious ginger interloper, and with my renowned gentle subtlety and verbal finesse, sought to cleverly castigate the upstart with my stiletto wit: "Now just hold your haggis, you goddamn Bozo-haired clown, get your head out of your ginger vagina and stop throwing a bitch-fit like a damn demented chick in the throes of PMS, and show your betters a bit of respect for condescending to help you out and not throwing you out of my vehicle at 85 mph on the way home!"
The kid just laughed, I thought at the time it was because he was such an arrogant shit and he was mocking my repartee, but I found out later it was because the Scots do appreciate a good insult, and are masters of "taking the piss" out of folks --as they say over on the wrong side of the pond.
At the time, however, I am finding this fucking kid is cocky, arrogant and disrespectful, and is in dire need a beatdown stat. Reminds me of myself at his age. OK, I need to calm down, once I drop this little piece of shit off, I won't need to see him again. I also realize I'm hungry which is making me irritable and angry. In other words I am hangry and that's got my attention now.
"Are you hungry ? It's an hour and 45 minutes drive to Baylor and I need to stop and get some food first," I ask as if I cared about what this punk kid that I've been stuck with wants.
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| I need to kick the ass of this ginger cross-dressing punk-ass like he was a red-headed step-child as my granny used to say! |
"Aye, a'm staiviing cousin Mule. Airplane fairn sooks boaby. Let's skelp a Whataburger! a'm dying tae huv a go yin. We dinnae hae Whataburger back hame. Fae th' inturnet, ah ken tis yin o' th' mist hings tae huv a go while a'm 'ere."
I'm getting better at this, even without the Translator helping I understood he was hungry, that airplane food sucks ass, from the internet he knows about Whataburger, and they don't have them where he is from. Man I can identify with that! We didn't have them in Colorado either! It's funny how visitors to Texas all want to eat at a Whataburger. Good choice! I love Whataburger like all real Texans do.
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| ~Based Whataburger~ |
The waitress at Whataburger looks like her head is on a swivel as she is checking me and Hamish out. He is a pretty good looking kid and is seriously stacked with muscle, which give me some small-talk material. I initiated a convo.
"You look yoked as fuck, Hamish. What are the gyms like in Scotland, bro?"
He took a moment to translate my good, red-blooded American into whatever-the-hell they speak in Scotland and he replied: Ah hae ne'er bin tae a gym in mah life Cuz..(*I have never been to a gym in my life, cousin). Ah keep in shape by practicing fur th' hielan games. (*I keep in shape by practicing for the Highland games). Ah dae th' caber toss 'n' wrestling o' coorse. (*I compete in the caber toss and in wrestling)!
I be thinking: Is he shitting me? With that physique? The kid is built like a fucking Scottish fortress. Like one of those low-life "Fake Natty" fitness influencers on YouTube. He's Claiming DYEL status? No way he's never been in a gym. But I have seen those Highland games on ESPN with dudes seeing who can throw a telephone pole the furthest and shit... including some real intense wrestling between some hulking studs... if Hamish competes in those he must be helluva athlete.
As I learned in the convo we had during the rest of the drive during the few occasions Hamish took his Airpods out, the Highland Games were the reason he had been invited down for an interview at Baylor. The University of Texas had started their Texas Scottish Festival and Highland Games. Baylor was feeling the pressure to compete in them, so they decided to recruit some talented Scottish kids that were good at them with some scholarships so they could field a team of their own. As a sports lawyer, I had to LOL. So Baylor is bringing in a ringer* for the Highland Games? LOL.
"Mule, thank Goodness I reached you! It's an Emergency!!!" Everything is an Emergency to my Aunt but I continue to listen politely.
The dorm where Hamish was supposed to stay had to be shut-down due to COVID. The Campus sent everybody home. And all the fights to Scotland have been cancelled by the airlines. There is no way he can get back home.
Stranded foreign student - sounds like something the Red Cross should handle,
The dorm where Hamish was supposed to stay had to be shut-down due to COVID. The Campus sent everybody home. And all the fights to Scotland have been cancelled by the airlines. There is no way he can get back home.
Stranded foreign student - sounds like something the Red Cross should handle,
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| Oh, you poor ginger RONA REFUGEE, can I get you a hot meal and a blow job, before I show you to your cot? |
but I already know what is coming next...
"Mule, you need to go get Hamish and let him stay with you until he is able to get back home..." BOOM! there it is...the other boot dropped!
It's been a long time since I have anyone stay with me for longer than a weekend. I am trying to make the best of the situation, but Hamish is a cocky little fuck with a bad case of white man privilege. Most things are closed, so he is pretty much stuck in the house. He plays a lot of video games, does Omegle and TikTok, usually goes to bed about 6:30 AM and wakes up about 3:30 PM. And he eats like The Hungry Hippo.
"Mule, you need to go get Hamish and let him stay with you until he is able to get back home..." BOOM! there it is...the other boot dropped!
It's been a long time since I have anyone stay with me for longer than a weekend. I am trying to make the best of the situation, but Hamish is a cocky little fuck with a bad case of white man privilege. Most things are closed, so he is pretty much stuck in the house. He plays a lot of video games, does Omegle and TikTok, usually goes to bed about 6:30 AM and wakes up about 3:30 PM. And he eats like The Hungry Hippo.
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| ~Hungry Hippo~ |
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| Hamish was pure prime jacked Scottish stud And he was also a total dick |
And did I mention, he was also a total dick.
Just a few examples of the ways Hamish was getting on my nerves:
😠#1 House guests without danger sense
I get home and Hamish looks up from the video game he is playing to tell me: "Some bird cam by 'n' left some biscuits. Ah ate thaim a'. Bit ye didnae lassy anythin'. Thay weren't braw. Thay tasted lik' th' barley we feed th' horses. Cute chick bit she asked a million questions 'n' ah cuid see doolally in her een."
By now I can understand him without the Google Translator: Some chick came by with some cookies. Hamish ate them all already, but I didn't miss anything because they weren't very good. They tasted like horse feed. Cute chick but she asked a million questions and she had crazy eyes.
By now I can understand him without the Google Translator: Some chick came by with some cookies. Hamish ate them all already, but I didn't miss anything because they weren't very good. They tasted like horse feed. Cute chick but she asked a million questions and she had crazy eyes.
Of course I knew exactly who it was...
"Yeah, that is Molasses Girl. She is one of my stalkers. A stage-5 clinger at that. She is the reason why you shouldn't ever stick your dick in crazy."
"She seemed a bonnie lass, what ya' going on so about her fa'!" Hamish interrupted, with an expression indicating that he seriously wanted to dip his donger in that cesspool of derangement!
"Silencio! You know nothing Jon Snow! We are not talking normal chick lunacy here, like getting mad at you for forgetting a six-week anniversary-like that is even a thing, or getting even madder when you tell her to calm down! We are not even talking Britney Spears shaving her head level of cuckoo with MG, naw kid, we are talking full-on Glenn Close rabbit-killing Fatal Attraction level of Female Insanity, can you understand the DANGER you could have placed us in?"
Hamish merely stared at his phone, so I continued:
"She drives by the house and looks in the windows with her binoculars a lot. She must have seen you and wanted to know who your were. It's best not to talk to her and to keep the curtains closed after dark.." Hamish responded to my cautionary words of wisdom like how a class of jaded teens responds to an abstinence-only sex education lecture in a Texas high school, he just looked up momentarily from his phone and gave a WHATEVS, eye-roll.
I had a flashback to a 17 year old ME, and all the things my Mom would say to me came flooding into my skull, and I had to struggle to restrain myself from saying ANY of them! I just walked away mortified. Was this god-damn ginger brat turning me into MY MOM?
It must be true what they say about gingers!
😣#2 I get home and ask him about a text I got...
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WTF!!!! Someone ordered $365 worth of fucking Pizza from Papa John's using my credit card this afternoon! |
"Hamish, it looks like someone ordered $365 worth of Pizza on my Papa John's App using my credit card this afternoon. Would you know anything about that?" Of course, being a lawyer, I never ask a question I don't already know the answer to.
"Aye, that wis me cousin. (*That was me, cousin!) Ah wis sae hungery ah wis aboot tae die.(*I was so hungry I was about to die!) 'n' ah aye wanted tae huv a go a' Yank pizza.(*and I wanted to try an American pizza!) Bugger that jobby is stoatin!" (*Fuck that shit was good!!!)
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| WTF, this HAS to be a mistake, what does John Schnatter need to expand his 20,000 square feet mansion? UNLESS... |
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| Wait, HAMISH said he wanted to try real American-style pizza, GODDAMN HOUSE GUESTS! |
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| Papa john? ah ken that ye sell pizza. A'm needin' ye send some urgently. We hae a stahving man 'ere. |
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| Juist send me yin o' ilka type ye hae. |
I'm going to guess that went down like this...
"Papa john? ah ken that ye sell pizza. A'm needin' ye send some urgently. We hae a stahving man 'ere. What kine? Thare ur different types o' pizza? Ach didnae ken that. Juist send me yin o' ilka type ye hae. Ach, thae much? Cannae pay wid Royal Bank of Scutlan Traveller's cheques?"
*Papa John? I heard that you sell pizza. I need you send some urgently. We have a staving man here. What kind?? There are different types of pizza? I didn't know that. Just send me one of every type you have. Wow, that much? Do you take Royal Bank of Scotland Travelers Cheques?
"Ach, OK. I ken! Does it hae tae be a Yank credit caird? That's a'richt. Ah git yin richt 'ere!" *Oh, ok, I understand! Does it have to be an American credit card? That's OK. I got one right here!
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| MUST. NOT. MURDER. COUSIN! |
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| Ach, OK. I ken! Does it hae tae be a Yank credit caird? |
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| That's OK. I got one right here! |
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| Hamish reads off my name and credit card number with nary a by-your-leave, like he couldn't have requested permission by text before infringing on my hospitality in such an egregious manner! |
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| A delivery charge? Nae a problem, include a tip on the card? Ach, you Yanks do that, what is standard fa tips, ach 30% ya sae? Seems high, but when in Texas---, besides Mule won't mind! |
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| 30% percent tip? WTF? And on a 277 dollar order, that is a 83 dollar tip plus a 5 buck delivery fee, totaling $365, does that fuckin' kid think I am Bill Gates? |
😬#Numero Treo: House guests having pets
I come home and Hamish is lounging in MY favorite chair in his boxers watching MY LG 52" 4K OLED TV while eating MY Cheetos and surrounded by empty cans of MY Mountain Dew, like he owned the place! He would occasionally throw a Cheeto to the doggie. WAIT... Doggie?
"Ummm Hamish, where did the doggie come from?"
"Ummm Hamish, where did the doggie come from?"
"I went for a wee run in the park, this dogge took a lik'n to me. He belonged tae (to) a lassie (chick) in th' pairk (park). She hud tae (had to) leave toun fur (town for) a few days 'n' ah shored tae (I offered to) watch him till she gets back."
"Did you get the owners name or phone number by any chance? Or the dog's name for that matter. And how is she leaving town when it's in lockdown due to the pandemic?" I inquired when the initial shock wore off
AND... Hamish's reply is a blank look. I might as well be talking to the doggie.
Then Hamish says "He's got a collar but no tags..." like somehow this info is useful.
AND... Hamish's reply is a blank look. I might as well be talking to the doggie.
Then Hamish says "He's got a collar but no tags..." like somehow this info is useful.
"Yeah, well it's 2020 bagpipe-boy, dogs in the USA have microchips." (another blank look) "...never mind.." I said with a sigh, one I usually reserve for clients when they tell me they plan to buy a 25 million dollar mansion on a 800,000 dollar per year contract, and continue:
" I used to bang a chick that is a Vet... well, actually she's a Small Animal Acupuncturist and Pet Herbalist, but close enough-- let me see if I still have her contact info on my phone and get her to read his chip.... he seems like a real nice doggie ... I guess it would be ok if he stays a few days... I will get him a pork chop ... and I have a Frisbee around here somewhere too...." So now my home became a shelter for immigrants and animals.
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| Nice doggie! Do you want one of these pork chops? Just bite Hamish and I will give you one! |
😒#4 Surprise Attacks
Hamish believes that surprise attacks are hilariously funny. Think of Inspector Cousteau's man servant Cato in the Pink Panther movies. Hamish likes to sneak up and grab you from behind when you least expect it and lock you into a wrestling hold, his favorite is usually a rear choke hold. OK, I will admit I used to find that funny and played that game myself especially during my high school and college days, until I figured out the whole 'Play stupid games, win stupid prizes' thing. With the gyms closed by the pandemic I had to start showering and shaving at home a lot more. And I quickly found out that I need to not only close the bathroom door when I do but lock it as well. But that hasn't stopped him from his frequent breakfast time sneak attacks.
😦#5 Houseguests having houseguests
The overnight Guest and an awkward breakfast: With Waffle House and IHop shut down by the pandemic, I decided to brush up my breakfast cooking skills by watching some YouTube vids and then laying in a ton of groceries.
I got home pretty late and had gone and bought a shit ton of groceries on the way home. I didn't see Hamish anywhere and the guest room door was closed so I figured he must be sleeping or something, which would be odd for him this time of day, but I was just happy not to have to deal with him tonight. The doggie and me retire upstairs to my bedroom to Netflix and chill.
Gorilla Grunting
McCaw Screaming
Apparently what was actually going on downstairs was Hamish entertaining a guest.
So early the next morning I go down to the kitchen and start to cook up a big breakfast. I got a ton of eggs, bacon, sausage, and even bought some kippers and haggis just for Hamish.
So I have the stove fired up and am cooking away, went the guest room door opens and out comes Hamish. Hardy a surprise that he would respond to the smell of food.
"That sure howfs guid, cousin! 'n' it looks lik' ye cooked plenty,
(That sure smells good, Cousin! And it looks like you cooked plenty) Hamish says, licking his lips.
"Oh, hey there.. been a while.... haven't heard from you..." I stammer.
"That's because you ghosted me," she replied without a trace of anger in her voice. Probably because being ghosted by men is something she is used to.
"... ummm no.. of course not...you see I lost my phone a while back and.." I was attempting to avoid an awkward confrontation with a psychotic bish, hell hath no fury than a riled-up stage five clinger, they are more dangerous than manlets when they get their ire up!
"ummmm noooo.. must have been the person who found it.... hey, is any body hungry... because I made this great breakfast ..." quickly changing the subject. My quick search for a kitchen knife sharp enough to slit my wrists had been fruitless.
"Fuck yes, I'm hungry as fuck cuz!" Hamish replied in a near-shout
"I brought some muffins for desert!!" joined in a shrill yet happy voice that was like nails on a chalkboard.
And they did....
Anybody need anything else?
Hamish hasn't moved at all since he passed out. "Maybe we should take him to the Emergency Room or call 911 ? Part of me wants to do this , but part of me fears criminal prosecution, what do you think, you are a high, powered lawyer! " MG's crazy eyes are starting to rotate in opposite directions at this point and the doggie is hiding next to me under the table. Don't think that's a good thing. I was in the middle of googling Rohypnol overdose, when her talk of criminal prosecution got me google-distracted! I say to the nervous doggo while checking google on my phone: I think I would not take this case and let her plead out with a public defender, while you and I, Doggo watched her from the gallery, being hauled off to Dawson State, which is a co-gender correctional facility for non-violents which has a 1and half star rating-WTF- prisons have YELP REVIEWS these days? My calm, masculine voice, in contrast to the screeching frantic banshee wail of MG, has a calming effect on doggo!
"Oh this just gets worse: When the overdose is more severe, very basic vital functions can be suppressed to very dangerous levels. Damn that was two VERY's they put in there, not good! The user may lose consciousness. Breathing and even the beating of the heart may momentarily stop altogether. The overdose victim may slip into a coma or even die. My Aunt Toni will REALLY be pissed off if Hamish dies on my watch!" But he is starting to move a bit and moan so he doesn't seem VERY, VERY coma-ish, plus there are practical complications besides those of explaining to the Po Po how all that Rohypnol got into his system, and the police are the easy part, how do I explain it to my AUNT TONI?
"Nah, babe. He's still breathing, and twitching, and moaning--And hospitals are breeding grounds for COVID now. That's the last place you want to go. Besides I'm not too sure what his insurance status is. He's young and healthy, just let him sleep it off." I reassure her.
"Well your right about him being strong, and he's got amazing stamina... " MG begins to calm down finally, and doggo stops shaking.
"You looking good MG. You lose some weight? We got some time to kill waiting for Braveheart to wake up. You wanna fuck?" I ask. Don't look at me that way Readers, sure she is a stage five clinger, and the epitome of Toxic Femininity, but stress makes me horny!
"SURE!!!" is her enthusiastic reply.
"Cousin mule, ah think ah shuid rent a motor a'm getting a wee bit fauchelt o' traivelin aw weys."
(Cousin Mule, I think I should rent a car I'm getting a wee bit tired of walking everywhere.)
"First of all my faimly draifs a BMW, we nae woad painted savages in Scotland ya nyaff dober!"
"Well, you're 17," I begin.
"Got some bad news for you, honey. Pretty Woman was just a movie, and you're just a whore," I thunks.
Judging by the way Hamish is making sounds like a wounded buffalo, she is good at her job. And she deserves and Emmy for her performance. That some of the best orgasm faking I have ever heard, and I have heard plenty! Well let Hamish have his fun, meanwhile I will lock anything of value in my gun safe.
So eventually the racket in the guest room dies down. Hamish staggers out and wants to order some Chinese food which I am good with, so I go get the credit card that I locked in the gun safe so he can place an order.
Food arrives quick. Hamish inhales his and gets back to the slut. I'm enjoying eating. Then Hamish comes back out of the room. I figured he would be back smashing as soon as he ate. He must have lost his kilt because he is butt-ass naked. I don't have any problem with a dude being naked, years of gyms and locker-rooms had taught me to take undressed men in stride.
"Wow Mule's hung as big as you!" Anna exclaimed.
"Nah, my cock is bigger. Go ahead and measure them..." I insisted.
She glanced over at me as she said the next part; "What if you can be the top, Hamish. Would you fuck Mule's ass then?" she purred seductively. This flip-flop by the bish caught ME a little by surprise.
I moaned back incoherently. Hamish increased his pounding. Every few thrusts he'd also slap my ass. I was an incoherent mess now, moaning as my teen cousin Hamish made me his bitch, long dicking me in front of an intently watching Anna. His cock in my ass was a weapon which he used to remind me of his immense physical power. He alternated between firmly grabbing my hips while pounding into me, and slapping my ass possessively. Anna all the while cheered him on, encouraging this Scottish sexual warrior to fuck the shit out of me.
😵#7-Hamish Gives Me a Lesson on the Hielan Chain 'n' Ring Tug
"Hey Hamish, I got a question for ya."
Hamish looked up from his bowl of Fruity Pebbles and his phone.
"I was looking at some stuff about those Highland Games and came across these pics. But I can't find any info about the pics or what da fuck they are doing. Is this one of the events?"
I toss my phone to Hamish so he can see the pics.
Hamish laughs. "Aye, mon."
I raise an eyebrow signaling I want more details.
"That's th' hielan chain 'n' ring tug!. Tis a lesser kent 'n' anquidated event bit tis aye weel-kent wi' some! nae tae brag, bit a'm ferr guid at it."
Google Translate: "Yes, bro. That's the Highland chain and ring tug!. It's a lesser known and antiquated event but it's still popular with some! Not to brag, but I am quite good at it."
"Do yi'll waant tae see howfur tis dane? ah kin gie ye a few lessons."
"Do you want to see how it's done? I can give you a few lessons." Hamish offered.
"Yeah, for sure. Thanks!" I reply enthusiastically.
"Now let me show you how this is how its done, cousin. It's simple as fuck. It's like a tug-of-war, only with just two people and a ring instead of a rope. Once I put you down on the ground with the ring I use the chain to make you submit and beg for mercy," he explained, inexplicably dropping his accent. The fruity pebbles was clearly kicking in and making him talk MURICAN, like a REAL person.
"Put me down? Make me submit? You're as delusional as Molasses Girl if you think that is going to happen, shit head," I sneered at the upstart.
"Shit head? And here I was gonna go easy on my meathead American cousin. But now you're going to get fucked even harder than you did in that threesome! I am going HAM on your ass..." Hamish countered.
Hamish strips off his, uh kilt or plaid skirt or tartan toga or whatever the fuck it is, and pulls on something he calls BATTLE GIRDINGS, but which look suspiciously like plaid briefs he stole out of my dresser drawers- did I mention that Hamish goes COMMANDO all the time, I don't believe the kid OWNS a single pair of underwear! Why do I have plaid briefs, you might ask? They were a gift, now SHADDUP AND STOP ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS!
and these briefs that I never have been drunk enough to wear, are even smaller than my trunks, and really accentuate his Braveheart bulge.
NEXT TIME ON MULE'S BLOG:
I got home pretty late and had gone and bought a shit ton of groceries on the way home. I didn't see Hamish anywhere and the guest room door was closed so I figured he must be sleeping or something, which would be odd for him this time of day, but I was just happy not to have to deal with him tonight. The doggie and me retire upstairs to my bedroom to Netflix and chill.
I heard some odd noises while I was sleeping but figured I was just dreaming. Jungle noises, like a gorilla grunting and a Macaw screaming.
Gorilla Grunting
McCaw Screaming
Apparently what was actually going on downstairs was Hamish entertaining a guest.
"That sure howfs guid, cousin! 'n' it looks lik' ye cooked plenty,
(That sure smells good, Cousin! And it looks like you cooked plenty) Hamish says, licking his lips.
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| That sure howfs guid, cousin! 'n' it looks lik' ye cooked plenty |
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We wull need tae set anither plate oan th' buird though cousin We will need to set another plate on the table though cousin |
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| WAIT, WUT? |
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| Oh, I got ya! Good for you. Congrats on not letting this pandemic stop you from getting laid. Some chick you met on the internet? |
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| Well, actually--- |
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| Hamish was sounding a bit sheepish, and that's a first! She caim by to dra' off some more of those jobby biscuits... She came by to drop off some of those disgusting cookies... |
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| YOU LET MOLASSES GIRL IN THE SANCTUM SANCTORUM OF MULE MANOR? I hollered! |
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| Shhh Mule she will hea' ya' and I wanna ha' sum post- breakfast horizontal hielan games, if ya geet ma drift? |
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| YOU LET A STAGE 5 CLINGER IN, DOGGO BITE HIM! |
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| She nae be bad, she may nae ken ow to bake biscuits, but the lass be quite sweet! |
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| Don't you know how dangerous a stage 5 clinger is, she might seem sweet at first, but she is tier level psycho! |
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| Besides toxic baking, MG also enjoyed gardening and posted about it on her Instagram page |
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| You just lyin' to keep that prime clunge to ya'self, she nae mental like ya sae! |
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| Did I hear Mule? Hamish is a nice kid, but he isn't a MULE in the sack! |
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| NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....!!!!! My scream may have been silent but I couldn't do anything about the look of absolute horror on my face as SHE stuck her head around Hamish's broad shoulders. |
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| Good morning my ginger tiger! |
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| I wonder if she is using Hamish to try and get her hooks back into me, maybe trying to make me jealous, well what she is making me is nauseated, the same effect her cookies have on me, I thought |
"That's because you ghosted me," she replied without a trace of anger in her voice. Probably because being ghosted by men is something she is used to.
"... ummm no.. of course not...you see I lost my phone a while back and.." I was attempting to avoid an awkward confrontation with a psychotic bish, hell hath no fury than a riled-up stage five clinger, they are more dangerous than manlets when they get their ire up!
see MESSING WITH MUSCULAR MANLETS
She cut me off midway through my lie: "Did you block my number before you lost it? 'cause my number is blocked..."
She cut me off midway through my lie: "Did you block my number before you lost it? 'cause my number is blocked..."
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| I was cornered into precarious territory, but I do have a finely honed legal mind, used to wrigglingly out of dangerous predicaments, even those of my own making, heck ESPECIALLY those of my own making |
"ummmm noooo.. must have been the person who found it.... hey, is any body hungry... because I made this great breakfast ..." quickly changing the subject. My quick search for a kitchen knife sharp enough to slit my wrists had been fruitless.
 |
| Is it hot in here or is it just me? |
"Fuck yes, I'm hungry as fuck cuz!" Hamish replied in a near-shout
"I brought some muffins for desert!!" joined in a shrill yet happy voice that was like nails on a chalkboard.
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| I brought some muffins for desert!! |
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| The mere thought of muffins prepared by Molasses Girl hit me right in my stomach! |
You didn't even tell me about your new roommate, I had to find out about him on my own.
"Roommate?" I think, as I shoot a dirty look at Hamish. "Roommate? Really?" I think. I wonder what other bull shit he told her?
"He is so strong and handsome and his accent is just adorable," MG continues to gush. "Plus he is not lacking under his kilt if you know what I mean, prodigious girth and size that even rivals your own, Mule!"
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| Plus he is not lacking under his kilt if you know what I mean, prodigious girth and size that even rivals your own, Mule! |
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| Must be a family trait, besides being my 'roommate', Hamish is also my cousin! |
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| Oh my, just how many gigachads are in your family exactly, I certainly would like to meet others, she said slootily. |
"OK, it will just take me a few minutes to finish up. You kids find something to do until I have breakfast ready."
"Tell me more about this Caber toss," she said, stroking his big log and making it even bigger!
Hamish was not the quietest of lads, and his slur carried into the kitchen!
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| Get a room, I thought, I am trying to cook here! |
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| But then I thunks: Hey this is like watching the Playboy channel as I cook! |
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| But it got too distracting, and fearing I might burn the breakfast, I said aloud: Get a room, guys, I am trying to cook here! |
But it got too distracting, and fearing I might burn the breakfast, I said: "Get a room, guys, I am trying to cook here!"
Thinking she was succeeding in triggering and manipulating me, she said coquettishly in Stage Five Clingon: "Getting jealous Mule? Well if you are getting hot and bothered, you can always put the breakfast on hold and join us, as I always say, the more studs the better!"
Now I had gone slooting with my Dad, so fucking in front of family was not the issue, but besides not wanting to redip my wick in the CUNT OF CRAZY, the proportions of vagina to cock was WAY off, more chicks than dicks was my cardinal rule in multiple partnering! Hamish was also flashing a superfluous hand slash across the neck in the classic, international bro-code, DON'T COCKBLOCK ME BRO hand gesture!
"Naw, I am good here, you too have fun, fun SOMEPLACE else, and let me cook in peace!"
"Your loss is Hamish's gain," she said sultrily, still playing her ineffectual games!
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| Why would you want an old-man like Mule, he is over 30, practically GERIATRIC, when you can have an in-his-prime-stud like ME! |
Hamish was not the quietest of lads, and his slur carried into the kitchen!
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| PRACTICALLLY GERIATRIC, YOUR MULE? WTF? |
"Stupid fucking red-headed, green-eyed, carrot-faced fuck, I bet he would have a big, fiery beard between his legs, if he was man enough to grow pubes, because I doubt man-scaping was a thing when he was up in the mountains shepherding sheep, or whatever-the-hell they do over in Scotland," I snarled internally!
I continue cooking, but it was ANGRY, TESTOSTERONE SURGING COOKING! Women may cook when they are angry, putting a little more energy and precision in their chopping, but ANGRY COOKING, is an exuberant fury that is utterly a Y-chromosome thing.
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| ANGRY COOKING, IT IS A GUY THING! |
 |
| and some dented pans, mangled flipping and other utensils, and broken crockery later... |
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| Luckily I invest heavily in Dixie products, sure it sucks for the environment, but it's kinda a necessity for me being ME! |
"OK, breakfast is ready guys! Olly olly oxen free, last one in is a red-headed pussy-boy in a skirt!" *Editor note, Olly, olly oxen free, is a phrase used in the game of tag; it is an old malapropism for All ye, all ye, out come in free, signaling for everyone to return
 |
| This breakfast is going to be FUCKING AWKWARD, I think |
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| Hey Doggo, you are the only one in this house I DON'T hate right now! |
"Sausage or bacon?" I ask, the sloot of course says: "Oh, I want a big, juicy sausage," far too quickly, and sensually licking her lips: "make that a HUGE juicy sausage", she adds fondling Hamish's crotch; while the carrot-top impertinently asks "Is it real bacon, or that fucking Yank bacon?" I don't answer, but plop sausages on his plate muttering under my breath: "Sausage it is then, shove them under your kilt in your ginger vag, ass-wipe!"
But then the cherry-head goes on to complain about the sausage: "Ye call these bangers? Ye Yanks don't know how to make meat!"
Now in Texas, insulting our meats is:
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| Oh, I want a sausage...a nice big juicy sausage |
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| make that a HUGE juicy sausage, she said fondling Hamish's crotch |
Anybody need anything else?
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| Anybody need anything else? |
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| We're good, thanks! |
We were just about finished up with eating when MG asked, "Where are the rest of the muffins I brought?"
"Ach the scune-thingees? I ate aboot six o' the jobby blighters...breakfast wis taking sae lang ah wis aboot tae die!"
* Oh, the muffins, I ate about six of the foul things...breakfast was taking so long I was about to die!" says Hamish, with a yawn.
"What? Oh, NO! Six of them? OMG" MG was suddenly frantic.
I leaned over to pet the doggie. "This is gonna be good I bet, boy. Just wait for it." I tell him.
"I suddenly feel juist a wee bit sleepy....." Hamish starts to say but before he actually finishes his sentence there is a loud SPLATTT as he face-plants into his Dixie plate. He is out cold. MG lets out the best screech I have heard since Scream lV (an underrated movie IMO)
"MG, what was in the muffins?" I asked calmly.
"There may have been some Rohypnol in them," she says blithely, like that would be a normal thing.
MG and I continue with our little chat, both ignoring the fact that Hamish is face down on the kitchen table, unconscious.
"Roofies? You gave my 17 year old underage kid cousin some date rape drug laced muffins? Seems a little lacking in the judgment department...babe" I didn't get to finish my sentence because MG was yelling now.
"17? he said he was 25! OMG Just look at his fucking body or course I believed him, sure I mean he looks young in the face, but from the neck down he is a fucking stud... muscles like a black NFL running back and a cock like a porn star..." at this point MG was becoming incoherent and it was scaring the doggie. (Although I was curious about how many naked black NFL running backs and porn star cocks she has seen.)
"And he ate six of them!?! Who eats six muffins at one time, for god's sakes!?? And they weren't even for him. I made them for you..." Oh, well, sure, of course, they were for me. I made a mental note to revisit that issue later... what a fucking nutcase...
"But it makes sense he looks 25 at 17 if he is your cousin, your mother sent me some pics of you when you were younger--"
"Ach the scune-thingees? I ate aboot six o' the jobby blighters...breakfast wis taking sae lang ah wis aboot tae die!"
* Oh, the muffins, I ate about six of the foul things...breakfast was taking so long I was about to die!" says Hamish, with a yawn.
"What? Oh, NO! Six of them? OMG" MG was suddenly frantic.
I leaned over to pet the doggie. "This is gonna be good I bet, boy. Just wait for it." I tell him.
"I suddenly feel juist a wee bit sleepy....." Hamish starts to say but before he actually finishes his sentence there is a loud SPLATTT as he face-plants into his Dixie plate. He is out cold. MG lets out the best screech I have heard since Scream lV (an underrated movie IMO)
"MG, what was in the muffins?" I asked calmly.
"There may have been some Rohypnol in them," she says blithely, like that would be a normal thing.
MG and I continue with our little chat, both ignoring the fact that Hamish is face down on the kitchen table, unconscious.
"Roofies? You gave my 17 year old underage kid cousin some date rape drug laced muffins? Seems a little lacking in the judgment department...babe" I didn't get to finish my sentence because MG was yelling now.
"17? he said he was 25! OMG Just look at his fucking body or course I believed him, sure I mean he looks young in the face, but from the neck down he is a fucking stud... muscles like a black NFL running back and a cock like a porn star..." at this point MG was becoming incoherent and it was scaring the doggie. (Although I was curious about how many naked black NFL running backs and porn star cocks she has seen.)
"And he ate six of them!?! Who eats six muffins at one time, for god's sakes!?? And they weren't even for him. I made them for you..." Oh, well, sure, of course, they were for me. I made a mental note to revisit that issue later... what a fucking nutcase...
"But it makes sense he looks 25 at 17 if he is your cousin, your mother sent me some pics of you when you were younger--"
"WTF, I think, we are DEFINITELY going to have to revisit THAT!" I note mentally, to myself.
She deflected, trying to shift the conversation off her criminal actions: "WTF, are all the men in your family ridiculously good-looking, built like Greek gods, and hung like horses...??!"
"Um, yeah, well pretty much yeah... on my Dad's side at least ..." I shrugged, telling the truth, but also knowing damn well I was bragging. We were now way off topic, while I know LOVE IS WAR, I am pretty sure what she did would be defined by the Hague as a WARCRIME.
"Um, yeah, well pretty much yeah... on my Dad's side at least ..." I shrugged, telling the truth, but also knowing damn well I was bragging. We were now way off topic, while I know LOVE IS WAR, I am pretty sure what she did would be defined by the Hague as a WARCRIME.
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| MG notes: Well he is breathing and has a pulse so that is a good sign! I remark to doggo: Coma patients are breathing and have a pulse, be a good boy and bite her too! |
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| Part of me wants to call 911 for an ambulance, but part of me fears criminal prosecution, what do you think, you are a high, powered lawyer! |
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| I say to doggo while checking google on my phone: I think I would not take this case and let her plead out with a public defender, while you and I, Doggo watched her from the gallery being hauled off to Dawson State, which is a co-gender correctional facility for non-violents which has a 1 and half star rating- WTF- prisons have YELP REVIEWS these days? |
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| Oh wait, I was supposed to be googling: Rohypnol over-doses |
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| I read off the pertinent facts to Doggo, while MG eavesdrops in horror: Well, we seem to be well past all the mild symptoms, given that his speech is absent not just slurred, mental processes are more than a tad slowed down, and he is well beyond unsteady walking, and an inability to form memories--- |
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| Oh this just gets worse: When the overdose is more severe, very basic vital functions can be suppressed to very dangerous levels. Damn that was two VERY's they put in there, not good! The user may lose consciousness. Breathing and even the beating of the heart may momentarily stop altogether. The overdose victim may slip into a coma or even die. My Aunt Toni will REALLY be pissed off if Hamish dies on my watch! |
"Nah, babe. He's still breathing, and twitching, and moaning--And hospitals are breeding grounds for COVID now. That's the last place you want to go. Besides I'm not too sure what his insurance status is. He's young and healthy, just let him sleep it off." I reassure her.
"Well your right about him being strong, and he's got amazing stamina... " MG begins to calm down finally, and doggo stops shaking.
"You looking good MG. You lose some weight? We got some time to kill waiting for Braveheart to wake up. You wanna fuck?" I ask. Don't look at me that way Readers, sure she is a stage five clinger, and the epitome of Toxic Femininity, but stress makes me horny!
"SURE!!!" is her enthusiastic reply.
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| Oh Mule, I just used Hamish to make you jealous, it was YOU I wanted all along! |
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| Less Talky, moar fucky, Babe! |
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| I Love you MULE, do you LOVE me? Sure, whatever, I respond absentmindedly |
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| I was thinking Mule, that next Friday you could meet my parents and--- I interrupted the Bish: It is lockdown Babe, we shouldn't be around OLD FOLKS, that is why besides more FUCKY, less talky, you should do less THINKY, more FUCKY! |
Hamish recovered and I sent MG away before he MURDERLIZED HER! Hamish had no memory of what happened, but I informed him so as to get MG to flee, nothing works on a STAGE FIVE CLINGER PSYCHO like FEAR, and an angry Scotsman is NOT to be trifled with. Still while MG was gone for the moment, the minute her stalker surveillance detected that Hamish was no longer staying with me, I knew that the baker of horrors ( comestible horrors that would scare the bejeezus out of Christine McConnell of Netflix) would be return, and be back with more culinary atrocities! She looking not merely to be in the rotation, but to be a CHOKE! c-c-couple with YOUR MULE. GAG!
😦#5 Hamish Wants to Rent a Vehicle, and wants me to pay for it
(Cousin Mule, I think I should rent a car I'm getting a wee bit tired of walking everywhere.)
"Well, Hamster, I can see a few problems with your plan."
"Naw, I have thought of everything!"
"Really? Where are you going to drive to genius, nothing is fuckin' open!"
" Drive-throughs are open and there is never enough food 'round 'ere!"
I should have guessed that this wacko scheme was food-motivated!
 |
| Hamish was as insatiable as pac-man, despite me buying 3-4 times the usual groceries that I get for myself, there was always zero food whenever I looked, I dared not buy any more at one time, as I was already getting side-eyed by old biddies judging me as A HOARDER |
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| Young man, you are the reason there is not any food to be found on the shelves! |
"I will concede that point, but I have more, how are you planning to pay for it, sweet rides don't come cheap at Hertz, and this isn't Scotland, you ain't going to get chicks driving an eco special like a Ford Fiesta! I know your family is probably still driving around an old Hillman Imp from 40 years ago, but this is MURICA DAMNIT!"
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| Hillman imp |
"First of all my faimly draifs a BMW, we nae woad painted savages in Scotland ya nyaff dober!"
"BWM?" I sneered in my mind, "it is probably a BMW Isetta!"
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| BMW ISETTA |
"Secondly, I thought ya would pay fer it cuz, just to see less of me!" He said flashing a broad, Pepsident smile.
"Let me get this correct, I am thinking about taking a mortgage out on MULE MANOR just to pay for your groceries and pizza bills, and you want me to shell out of a rent-a-car so you can go to drive-throughs and cruise around pickiing up sloots?"
"To see lez of me cuz, I ken ya will!"
"OK, I concede the point!" Damn, the kid was good, but Your Mule was BETTER! Time for rapid fire round where I would Gish Gallop* my way through arguments without giving the Scot time to formulate a response!
*Gish Gallop: a term for an eristic technique in which a debater attempts to overwhelm an opponent by excessive number of arguments, without regard for the accuracy or strength of those arguments.
"Well, you're 17," I begin.
"17 and 10 months," the haggis-eater impetuously interrupts
"Well, you're 17," I reiterate with a snarl, "so you are too young for an International Driver's license which means you probably got some sort of Scottish drivers license that is probably only good for goat carts or whatever you Scotts use for transport, you drive on the wrong side of the road, and when that Temporary Visa of yours expires in another four days, because things shut down before you could get a REAL student visa, well when that goes down, it means you will probably become an illegal alien...and ICE will put you in a cage on the border, plus you need to be 21 years old to rent a car in Texas, but let me know how this all goes for you. Need a ride to Hertz? I can call you an UBER." (all in one breath)
Da Faq, she is some kind of high price call girl. Or as we are supposed to call whores these days, a "sex worker". It all makes sense now. And a quick google confirms it.
Then I added: "You're an Uber!" I laugh hysterically for two minutes at my Dad joke. Well at least me and the doggo found it funny.
Hamish just stood there wearing a TUCKER CALSON expression, indicating that I had WON!
😌#6- Doggie's Mommy Comes to Visit and Things Go Better than Expected
Doggie's owner was back in town and coming to see doggie. Unfortunately she had spoken to the clueless Scottish dumb-ass and not me. So something about her appointment being cancelled and somehow that included her hotel room and some other stuff that didn't add up, but whatever, the long and the short of it was she was coming here right from the airport, but wouldn't be able to take the doggie back on this trip.
She Ubered to the house. She was actually a striking woman, tall, blond, with some sort of European accent I couldn't place. I was getting a Melania Trumpish vibe off her. She was the sort of chick that would form ice cubes in her vagina.
I didn't hit it off with her at all from the start. I said its nice to finally meet doggies owner and she said condescendingly, "We humans don't 'own' animals. I call him my 'companion'!' like I was a Neanderthal. I hated her instantly. Not only did I hate her, but there was something really sketchy about her, and I didn't believe a word of the bullshit spewing out of her blow hole. Besides unlike Hamish, whose presence still rankled me, I was getting quite fond of Doggo!
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| The Ice Queen |
 |
| Looks like she's planning on staying the night. |
While she and Hamish are doing the dirty I take a closer look.
Da Faq, she is some kind of high price call girl. Or as we are supposed to call whores these days, a "sex worker". It all makes sense now. And a quick google confirms it.
Exclusively upscale, highly private and selective escort service caters to the professional class man, woman or couple who desire female escort companionship which stimulates their mind, soul and body. We offer luxurious, well educated, talented escort models who attend (or attended) college and work at least part-time in demanding fields. High profile areas such as fashion, modeling or business. They are very comfortable moving in upper class circles and will make you feel like you have secured a picture perfect companion.
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| I can definitely see plenty of chumps falling for this malarkey |
"Got some bad news for you, honey. Pretty Woman was just a movie, and you're just a whore," I thunks.
So eventually the racket in the guest room dies down. Hamish staggers out and wants to order some Chinese food which I am good with, so I go get the credit card that I locked in the gun safe so he can place an order.
 |
With the combination of your incomprehensible accent, and their tentative grasp of the English language, just order by number bro, otherwise you will get an earful of angry Cantonese! |
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I need some muscle fuel dude, better order me two of the No. 6 combo platters, that is what me and my gym buddies call the MEATHEAD SPECIAL, and HELL YEAH, I want Spring Rolls! |
 Egg drop soup and white rice, plus they got good dumplings, get some of that shit and Ya got to have some General Tso's chicken, it wouldn't be GETTING CHINESE without the General! |
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NO HAMISH, YOU CAN'T GET THE RONA FROM CHINESE FOOD, don't be wacist, they don't make the food there and ship it air freight, they make the shit here, heck they don't even EAT the food we call Chinese over in China! |
Hamish was just standing in the guest room doorway, and I could tell there was something he wanted to ask me but was hesitating. The jock-stud muscle-boy was leaning back, and absent mindedly rubbing and playing with his naked muscles. His free hand was feeling his rock hard pecs and abs, then moving down to his washboard abs, unconsciously tracing the deep cuts with his finger tips. and the whole time he kept reaching down and groping himself. Hamish was hung big, with a long, thick piece of meat, and a pair of enormous ginger balls to match. He gave his huge fully exposed and already half-hard sex organ a few slow squeezes and strokes. He was feeling himself up so casually it clear he was nervous and hesitating to talk to me. Finally he found his courage and moved over so that he was standing behind me as I sat at the kitchen table.
But it did feel a bit odd when he came up behind me and put his arms on my shoulders in a bro-bro way.
"Anna wanted me to ask you something, cousin. She wants to fuck us both. You might as well join the party. Up for a threesome, bro?"
"Will it cost extra?" I ask.
.
"Your young cousin has a big cock and he knows how to use it, Mule. Let's see if it runs in the family." This chicks voice is dripping sex, and I can smell her wet pussy from across the room. I popped an instant boner. My dick is already as hard as iron, throbbing and leaking cock snot. I could also feel Hamish's boner pop behind me, AWKWARD, but there was no resistance by a red-blooded male to the sexual allure she was pumping out!
"Sure. Why not?" My throat is a bit dry but I get the words out.
"Good." She smiled at us both. "Let's go." Hamish's bratwurst was poking me even harder at this point, and my kielbasa was so hard and juicy it was giving Doggo a Pavlovian reaction!
Hamish moved into position to face me. Both of our musclemen heavy pecs were heaving up and down, our cocks rubbing against each other as we faced off just coldly glaring into each others eyes"Anna wanted me to ask you something, cousin. She wants to fuck us both. You might as well join the party. Up for a threesome, bro?"
 |
| Up for a threesome, bro? Hamish asks creepily, invading my personal space while naked as a jay-bird! |
 |
I momentarily forgot my MORE CHICKS THAN DICKS rule for orgies in my lust, but still despite being horned up, retained enough Mule sensibility to ask: Will it cost extra? |
"Huh?" Responds a confused Hamish. "Never mind," I muse internally, " I will explain it to him later, maybe."
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| Huh? Responds a confused Hamish, Never mind, I muse internally, I will explain it to him later, maybe. |
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| Well, hello boys, no need to fight over me, plenty of Anna to go around, it is not like two men at a time poses much of a problem for ME! The modern-day Messalina purred. |
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| Messalina: Is that a gladius under your toga, or are you just happy to see me? |
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| Your young cousin has a big cock and he knows how to use it, Mule. Let's see if it runs in the family. |
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| My dick is already as hard as iron, throbbing and leaking cock snot. I could also feel Hamish's boner pop behind me, AWKWARD--- |
 |
| --but there was no resistance by a red-blooded male to the sexual allure she was pumping out! |
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| Sure. Why not? My throat is a bit dry but I get the words out. |
"Sure. Why not?" My throat is a bit dry but I get the words out.
"Good." She smiled at us both. "Let's go." Hamish's bratwurst was poking me even harder at this point, and my kielbasa was so hard and juicy it was giving Doggo a Pavlovian reaction!
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| "Good." She smiled at us both. "Let's go." Hamish's bratwurst was poking me even harder at this point, and my kielbasa was so hard and juicy it was giving Doggo a Pavlovian reaction! |
 |
| Do I spot SAUSAGE? Doesn't smell like Sausage! |
"Nah, my cock is bigger. Go ahead and measure them..." I insisted.
Anna drops to her knees as she starts to lick the head of my cock. “OMG…Mule...holy fuck.. you are hung like a fucking horse, your cock is huge!” she looks to Hamish and beckons him closer to do some double fisting comparison. Hamish steps up, and the Gigaho leans over and pulls him by his dick, right up next to me; so that now we are both getting our cocks sucked and jacked simultaneously. This gives Anna another chance to size our dicks up side-by-side. Smiling up at Hamish she pronounces the winner “You have a huge cock, Hamish. It's a beauty! But Damn, Mule has a monster of a cock: it is over nine inches long and as thick as yours.” Seeing as how Hamish already knows this, he is getting a little agitated. Blessed with a perfect 8.5 inch porn star cock, Hamish has rarely met a man bigger than he was.
“Yeah, but I am younger and I can gonna fuck you longer and harder Anna...”
She interrupts him: “I know the sexual athleticism you are capable of, Hamish. You just fucked the daylights out of me, stud! But we’ll see what I can handle after taking Mule's monster!” She flashes the young, gullible Hamish a teasing smile, to get his youthful aggression and sex juices horned up, then looks at me appraisingly, clearly liking what she sees, and in a most unPC and SEXPLOITIVE fashion. Hamish is clearly pissed, and I am eating up the carnivorous look she is giving me, and just rubbing in her obvious preference for me over Hamish, with a gleeful smile. Anna is a master manipulative of men, and she was playing us both like fiddles. Now convention says that the fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but that is his second most reactive organ, nothing gets to a man faster than working on his donger. After her last comment she put all her efforts back on sucking cocks. And man, could she ever suck a cock! It was clear this slut stays on her knees for a living.
I softly moan “Wow…that’s…nice..” She lowers down and laps at my nuts with her tongue, then switching between the two sets of orbs - mine and Hamish's. Now I got a first hand view of the skill she had in fellatio, as she worked the thick head and long shaft of Hamish's manhood. Damn, she was dedicated to the fine erotic arts.
She strutted over to us and took a firm grasp of both of our cocks and said “Well boys shall we get started?”
We were led into the bedroom and she laid us down. For the next ten minutes she serviced each of us dutifully as we both got the blowjobs of our lives. “You are both so big…I can’t wait to ride your cocks.” She was an expert with her mouth in more ways than one. She talked dirty enough that I had to almost tone her out, so as to prevent from shooting in her mouth. I noticed Hamish was flexing his rock hard muscles and started to talk dirty back to her. Somehow it felt like a contest and that he was getting the lead. I took control by sitting up and reached over her to grip that Anna's luscious ass. Then I rotated around as I lifted her body like she was weightless and replaced on in my former spot on the bed. I then spread her legs as my mouth quickly found its target. Surprisingly, Hamish quickly went to work on her breast. He slurped on her tits paying special attention to her nipples. I sucked, licked, swirled, and tongue fucked her vagina until my tongue felt like it was about to cramp. Her squirming had been increasing until she started shaking in ecstasy. “Don’t stop….omg…I’m cum…ugh ... I’m cumming!” I continued licking until she lifted my head and leaned in to kiss me, enjoying the taste of herself. I looked over at Hamish with a smile that said “That's how a real man does it, kid!”
That being all the encouragement he needed Hamish grabbed Anna and moved her over on the bed then pushed me down next to her.
“This is how you give a girl oral,” he boasted, as he then started to lick her clitoris. Pushing it, running his tongue over and all around it, flicking it, he switched it up, and tongue fucked her hole. His tongue was huge, and he had had practice with it. Then in an act which completely threw me off guard he went lower as he lifted her a bit and licked her asshole! And boy did she respond to that. Moaning and shrieking ever so inaudibly. Upon returning to the clitoris with his tongue he started fingering her. First one finger just swirling around the outer rim then slowly in and out. Working up to a good finger thrusting. Then he added a second finger, same routine, then a third. His tongue must have had an energizer battery because it just didn’t stop. It would speed up then slow down a little and flick-tease her clit… just to speed up even faster than before! All the while his three fingers relentlessly going at her pussy. With this torrent of pleasure it didn’t take her long to orgasm and it was amazing to watch her as she did. Her mouth was wide open as if to scream but no noise came out and she twitched as her eyes rolled back. Finally she exhaled with widest smile as he took many fast breaths. He tapered off his assault and she just laid there taking deep breaths.
“Whew…that was ... amazing Hamish.” She looked longingly at Hamsh, but Hamish was looking and smirking at me like he had been crowned King of the Clit!
“Let's see whose dick she wants more.” I said, issuing a new challenge in this running virility contest.
She pondered, taking longer than needed to chose, just to add suspense--
 |
| Why fiddledeedee boys, I simply don't know which cock to choose! |
--until she reached over and grabbed mine. “Let’s see what he’s got.”
Hamish sank back and let out a growl of surprise and disappointment at her choice.
This was my turn. This was my pussy. I passionately kissed her for a few moments letting my hands roam her body. I played with her tits for a while sucking on her nipples pulling outward till I lost suction to watch her tits bounce back. I positioned my cock head right at the hole but didn’t push in yet. I rubbed her clit with it and slapped it with my thick cock. Then back to her pussy without actually inserting it. I was teasing her and making her sweat. I could tell by her expressions that she had had enough with the teasing bullshit. She wanted to be fucked hard and now. I shoved it in a couple of inches, rocked back and forth a little, then a few more inches. Her pussy could take the length it was the girth it was struggling with.
I continued to rock back and forth slowly until it was stretched enough. Then I slowly started to pick up the pace. In and out, in and out my penis went into her cunt. Her expression portrayed only one thing, lust. She wanted it and I was determined to give her my best. I have never had a girl be so demanding and verbal.
I was now going full hilt. Pulling my dick out right to the head and then ramming it back in. She was looking me right in the eyes.
“Oh my …(gasp for breath)… fuck…(breath)...me…” she moaned.
Meanwhile Hamish was stroking himself while watching us fuck. You could hear my loud grunts or her moans filling the room. I pulled out, much to her dismay, and positioned her on her knees doggie style Now I could see her thick ass and slap it too! Not to mention the handles that her hips made were perfect for me. I went straight to the hard fucking, jackhammering her, first slowly and rhythmically, than picking up the pace!
“How do you like my big cock, Anna?” I asked. Anna didn’t say anything she just moaned.
A wide eyed open mouthed Hamish gripped his shaft even harder and started going to town, beating his cock like it owned him money. I had cucked him. He pathetically jerked off, as I fucked the woman I had stolen from him while he watched!
“A ... ma ... zing..” She managed to get out between gasps.
I looked over at a defeated-looking Hamish beating his meat and watching. Now that I had dethroned him as KING OF THE CLIT, I could afford to be magnanimous in victory:
“ Why are you over there jacking yourself off, Hamish .... when you could giving this slut the night of her life with both of our big cocks in her at once, Cousin?” I said coyly. He looked back at me surprised with a bit of confusion.
Hamish momentarily had a bewildered, Is that even possible?- look on his face. Hamish was a stud, well versed with the ladies and sex, but he was still a teenager and his inexperience was showing.
He was still figuring out the puzzle when Anna 's shouted.
“YES!" Anna screamed "I want both of your big cocks fucking me at once! Fuck my ass, Mule. While Hamish fucks my pussy."
“Oh yeah” Hamish said, finally catching on. He pulled his hand off of his cock. He looked ecstatic
"Get her ready," I said. "Open her up... both holes...."
Anna laid her on her back and Hamish crawled on top of her and they started making out. He was groping her body as they kissed, moving from her boobs and stroking her abdomen, dropping further he rubbed his palm across her crotch (that teasing method) and massaged her thighs. He moved to her neck and started to give her a hickey.
“ Suck.. harder..” she whispered.
God this bitch liked it all kinds of rough. As he bit and sucked her neck . Lowering down he sucked her tits, flicking her nipple with his tongue. As his hand found her pussy he began to whisper in her ear. I couldn’t hear what he was saying ! They stayed like that for about 2 minutes, and he went from whispering to suckling her ear and from rubbing her clit to fingering her. She kept her eyes closed but switched from moaning to giggling until he sat up on the bed.
“So how does that sound?” he said with a grin obviously referring to the passionate convo that I had not been able to hear.
“Well, what are you waiting for?” she replied. Without hesitation he jumped in between her legs and rammed his cock inside her.
"Ow..oh…not all of it at once, baby.” She winced. Amazing she was so tight.
Hamish looked towards me. with a wink. What a fucker. Within thirty seconds he had gotten all of himself inside her. He sank lower with his knees as he grabbed her legs and put them into the air. He immediately began ramming the shit out of her just relentlessly. She was moaning and he was growling as they fucked. I watched his back muscles move and his glutes tighten as he conquered her pussy. After about fifteen minutes he dropped her legs and slid into the missionary position pulling out and quickly filling her back up. They began to kiss again. He began to suck on her neck and bite a bit too hard. But she liked the pain. He quickened back up and brought her to her first orgasm of his session.
“Already? Oh we’re not even close to being done.” He said boastfully.
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| Hamish put the O as in Anna's OMG ORGASM, used to having to fake it, Anna was a bit surprised to achieve one naturally, or in the case of Hamish's jackhammering, PRETERNATURALLY |
With that he dove down in between her legs and began using that expert tongue of his again. He didn’t spend too much time at her vag, but paid special attention to her asshole. Nice rim job, I thought Hamish knew how to eat ass like a champ. It was time. Hamish was going to fuck Anna in her ass.
Grinning widely, he positioned her on her knees and put the tip of his cock to her asshole. He slowly entered taking quite a long time but she needed that time to adjust. After a few minutes he was rocking back and forth, in and out. He grabbed her at the hips, still reddish from my jackhammering, and slammed her again and again with his big ass cock. He then reached around and started rubbing her clit. This went on for about 20 minutes. The air was filled with the intoxicating scent of pheromones, sex sweat, and testosterone, and my hand instinctively went to rub one out as I spectated, but I resisted, not wanting to give my nemesis the satisfaction, not that he would have noticed, being rather preoccupied.
Hamish grabbed her arms and pushed her head down and dominated her ass, as she clawed at the bed sheets and bite the pillow to muffle her scream. He wasn’t even stimulating the supposed ‘G’ spot. He was beating the shit out of it. This sex was raw, rough, and brutal, with all the elements of a rape, only with consent. She struggled and fought against bein overwhelmed by him, but he only matched her ferocity with more roughness and violence. He let go her arms and slapped her ass, again and again. His hand prints were red on her tan skin. He could tell she was coming close to another one so he picked up the abuse. He was a machine. As he boned her you could see all his clearly defined muscles working on this working girl.
“How do you like MY cock, Anna?” he asked her. He slammed his cock hard and repeated the question. Anna was crying and begging now, but not for mercy!
“….DON’T stop Hamish…It hurts so GOOD..its driving me insane...Don't Stop....NO matter what I say or how much I plead... just rape the fucking shit out of me...Just DO--- ” For someone like Hamish of a generation, raised on a barrage of 'get written and notarized consent between each sexual maneuver' media message, this was LIBERATING NIRVANA!
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| The seven-fold horned-up path to SEXUAL ENLIGHTENMENT |
She had become his sex slave, and the hot scene was more than I could take. I grabbed my cock and started wanking. In a stunning role reversal, I was the one being cucked, beating my meat while watching Hamish fucking Anna! I was double fisting my cock as she began to cum. He reached under her again and fingered her pussy with as many fingers as he could as he rode her the rest of the way like a fucking stud. Her body seemed to writhe and shake for this one and she became weak and fell to the bed. Gasping for air she began to alternatively praise and curse Hamish, while looking at the man that had dominated her and brought her to a multiple orgasms, and when her eyes stopped rolling, and her toes stopped curling, she gazed back at Hamish with longing in her eyes.
 |
Hamish dominated Anna and brought her to multiple orgasms, as when her eyes stopped rolling, and toes stopped curling, she gazed back at Hamish with longing in her eyes |
“Now the fun begins. Mule, are you ready to fuck her again?” the ginger stallion asked. As intimidated as I may feel in following Hamish's masterful sexual performance, I was more than ready to rise to the challenge---
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| I was more than ready to rise to the challenge, being confident in my own sexual abilities |
--being confident in my own sexual abilities.
Hamish crawled onto the bed and he lay on his back pulling Anna on top of him re-inserting his still hard cock into her ass. We were wasting no time here. I got into my position and entered her pussy making her gasp (still stretching it!) and we each slowly found a rhythm. I could feel his shaft with my cock. Odd sensation.
Anna rocked her hips. Hamish and I adjusted our thrusts to match her motions. His cock rubbed against mine through the thin wall of flesh that separated them. His cock was fucking mine!
""Yeah! That's right! Even better than I imagined." Anna gasped as she rocked her hips faster. "Come on, boys. Give my cunt and asshole a real workout."
Anna got the fucking of her life as me and Hamish were using her like a ragdoll. Ten minutes in we were both giving it all we had. I gripped Anna's hips to hold her in place and Hamish played with her heavy breasts. She screamed, coming over and over as we hammered her.
We continued to fuck like that for thirty minutes or so only slowing down a little, as we were both winded. Suddenly, I felt someone grab my balls, it was Hamish. Alarmed and apprehensive I looked at him. He again complemented their size.
“Their huge, I just wanted to feel them, they are heavy! Not to mention they have been pounding the shit out of my nads for half an hour now and I might have a hernia” I laughed realizing he was right.
“So Hamish you’re saying my big bull nuts were hurting your little ginger balls?” Unwilling to say it, he slightly nodded to the affirmative. I bucked my hips, to get them back into a rhythm, and continued to pound his nuts with mine in this twister game of a threesome.
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| Threesomes: Fun for the whole family: LEGAL WARNING MUST BE AT LEAST SEVENTH COUSINS TO PLAY* * except in parts of West Virginia, Kentucky and Alabama |
We were all getting close and everyone was panting. Anna was bracing herself on the wall behind us with one hand and the bed with the other.
“Ohh ... Ohh … Ohh yeeaahhh fuck me with those big cocks.” She begged. I decided it was time to switch as I was very close and wanted to get a piece of that delicious ass before we were finished.
“How about we switch around and let me try that hole?” I asked and added: “It will also give your balls a rest.” Hamish agreed apparently getting tired of being on bottom. I lay down and she got onto me as I found her asshole and entered her. There was little left to adjust to my size, after the thrashing me and Hamish had been giving her. Hamish went balls deep in Anna's pussy with one swift motion.
“Wow not so tight now.” He said.
“Oh yeah I’m sure.” Me and Anna both laughed at Hamish’s expense. My big cock had stretched out Anna's pussy. Even Hamish's thick cock could barely even hit the sides of the tunnel I had made out of that bitch's pussy! We began to fuck again and her asshole felt very different than her pussy, I liked it.
Hamish bellowed like a rutting bull as he rammed Anna's pussy. In her throes of passion, Anna began clawing at the mounds of muscle on Hamish's hairy chest and his cut 8-pack abs.
After a few minutes Anna started to lash around and said she was close.
“Me too.” Hamish and I replied in unison.
"Yeah, boys!" Anna cried. "Give me your loads."
So we all bucked and humped to the end. Anna came first an explosive orgasm. She shook and made incoherent sounds as she had what could probably have been the strongest orgasm she'd ever experienced.
Hamish and I were both grunting and about to finish, when Hamish suggested we shoot out loads onto her stomach. I was down. I pulled out and dropped her on the bed and we both started stroking. Hamish shot first all over her boobs and her stomach. I then warned her that I was about to come. She hadn’t actually seen my load yet. Ropes of come flew out of my cock and landed on her face and neck trailing down her boobs and the last drips landed by her navel. We were all sweating and grunting and breathing hard.
The acrid testosterone laced odor of male sweat and sperm are joined by the pungent aroma of the excretions oozing form our softening dicks. The pussy juice and ass juice on our unwashed cocks adds the smell of ripe pussy and ass to the mix.
It is an aroma that is intoxicating to a male. A deep sniff, retracting nuts, and a lengthening cock is the acknowledgment that both studs are smelling a bitch in heat.
We lay on our backs with Anna in the middle, still in post-orgasmic bliss but recovering. "That was fantastic," she said when she was finally able to speak again. " So hard and hot. You are both fantastic fucks!"
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| You are both fantastic fucks! |
"I want to watch you guys fuck."
"She is kidding, isn't she?" a shocked Hamish asked with a slight stammer.
"Nope."
"I'm not gay!' Hamish protested.
"Silly boy. It never crossed my mind that you were. You're all man. Two macho alpha males fucking is all about the domination factor, and much less about sex.
" But, I .. I like girls.....I mean I like to fuck girls...." Hamish stammered, looking confused and unsure.
""Of course you do, But that doesn't mean you can't have the best of both worlds." Anna seemed to be winning the argument.
“Man oh man,” I grinned at Hamish. “Am I ever gonna enjoy fucking your macho ass, stud.”
“Like hell you are! Look at me, asshole. Do I look like the kind of guy that gets fucked? Nobody gets to fuck my ass. Least of all you.”
Anna smiled. "Come on, Hamish, won't you switch teams, just for a little while tonight, for me?" Anna stood up and hugged Hamish, flattening her breasts against his hairy rock-hard chest. "Are you afraid it might make you go queer? " She kissed him and he kissed her back, a little reluctantly, at first. She kissed him hard and dirty. Don't be a bad boy or..." she kept kissing him "...or...I'll have Mule kick your young Scottish ass all over the room..." she said
smiling wickedly, teasing Hamish as she kissed him harder. Then she reached down and grabbed his hard, throbbing dick and smiled, "Oh, so that turns you on?" she chuckled.
 |
| WAIT, WUT? |
My protestations were ignored, and made irrelevant by Anna stroking my joy-stick until I fell mute and compliant. By now Hamish was horny enough to fuck a goat, and his resolve was also melting away rapidly, as Anna was also continuing to massage his joy-stick as well as mine.
"You've got a fucking sweet ass. Your whole body is on point.” His eyes roamed over my rock-hard, muscular body. He grinned as he moved his hand over my eight-pack abs. He looked like a kid on Christmas morning. "But your ass? Your ass is fucking perfection." He slapped my bare ass hard, leaving a red hand print on my steel hard glutes.
" So are you ready to switch teams?" Anna asked in a deep sultry voice, and a wink. "Maybe for a little while." Hamish's voice cracked when he replied.
Hamish felt his dick swell instantly, and momentarily thought he should be ashamed his cock was getting hard, but the thought left his head almost instantly.
"OK, I will do it." Hamish finally agreed. "But I get to be the Top! I do the fucking. I don't take it up the butt!"
"Come on, Mule. Let Hamish be the top. I want to watch Hamish stick his cock up your ass. "A big tough alpha male like you taking another stud's dick up his ass..." Anna wrapped her hand around my hard cock and stroked it as she asked teasingly.. . "That's pretty damn macho. Bend over and take it, for me...do it for me, please?"
"Me, bottom? To this punk-ass brat?" I thought. Somehow breaking free from the spell of the cock massage. It was one thing to surrender to a man that had vanquished you in battle, but to simply yield to a skirt-wearing carrot-top with more bragadoccio than battle mettle? Well, Anna is very persuasive, especially with her hand manipulating your donger, and I am also thinking on how she will owe me bigly after I do. And Anna is definitely a chick I want to owe me some favors, That girl knew a few moves that were new even to me.
Hamish stood still, staring at her. Then turned and looked at me "You heard the lady," he growled. "I'm gonna fuck your butt for her."
Hamish turned so two naked muscle man looked at each other It was a standoff, two stallions flaring their nostrils. I could see the look of resolve on Hamish's face as he manned up.
We stood facing each other, we both had giant hard-ons. Hamish put his hands on his hips as his eyes slowly roamed over my body. Then his eyes lingered and I realized that Hamish was checking out my ass.
" That is some butt to fuck! No homo, but your ass is fucking perfection!"
Hamish grinned confidently as he grabbed his cock at the base and flexed a bit, and said "See this cock, meathead? It's going up your ass."
Hamish stepped back, and gave me a couple of open palm slaps on my rock hard chest. The smacks were loud. He grinned again, admiring the hardness of my chest, The last slap was more of a grab. He felt up my pecs with hands and mouth, like I was a drunk sorority girl.
In one swift move, Hamish spun me around and bent me over the bed. He looked at Anna. She was watching us with one hand on a breast and the other between her legs. "Ready to watch me break open this big muscle bitch?" he asked coyly, acting like he needed her permission. "Oh yeah." Anna's voice was ragged. "Fuck him good and hard. Do it for me!"
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| That is some butt to fuck! No homo, but your ass is fucking perfection! |
"Well you heard the lady...I'm gonna fuck your butt good and hard for her" Hamish chuckled as he bent me over the bed, fully exposing my muscular ass.
Hamish began loosening my hole by fingering me with his long, rough fingers. When his finger broke through my tight hole, I grunted.
“Shhh…don’t be a little bitch,” he growled "I'm getting you ready to take my cock."
At first, he finger-fucked me with one finger and then graduated to two. He hit that button inside me and my back arched off the bed and I yelled out in ecstasy. He really knew what the fuck he was doing and I was going nuts with all the new sensations. This teenager knew how to sensually seduce, I feared I was dealing with a Jayson-type situation, and my faithful readers know THAT score.
“Fuck, your hole is TIGHT! Tighter than any cunt I have fingered. I can barely get my finger out.” He was like a kid in a candy store, his grin, his wide eyes as he watched his finger saw in and out of my ass.
I looked up at him as he fingered my hole and I stroked my cock. “How the fuck are you so good at this?” I asked, panting.
He chuckled. “Easy. I just pretend I’m fingering my girlfriend and finger you the same way. Fucking drives her crazy. The difference is that I’m fingering your ass and since your another dude I know just what button to hit.”
“I don’t...ughhhh…like being compared…Ahhh, shit...to your girlfriend, dude,” I said in between my body being racked by bouts of intense pleasure. His index finger was massaging my prostate to make sweet music with my special g-spot, for a newbie he seemed to have a roadmap to the sweet, sweet magic spot of my rear door!
 |
| His index finger was massaging my prostate to make sweet music with my special g-spot, for a newbie he seemed to have a roadmap to the sweet, sweet magic spot of my rear door! |
 |
| It was like his fingers had a built in rectal GPS tracker to male ecstacy |
Meanwhile, a forgotten Anna fingered her pussy while squeezing her tits and pinching her swollen nipples, as she watched Hamish's thick forearms flexing. The cords of these muscles were pulsating, as his hand started to jackhammer his fingers in and out of my ass. Anna opened her legs wider and drove three fingers up her dripping pussy.
“FUUCCKK!” Hamish had worked two of his fingers up my ass and probed and poked until he found my prostate which he poked and rubbed so that it drove me wild! It felt so good, that I wanted something bigger and harder up there fucking me, and I imagined lust-crazed image of Hamish fucking me, his huge hard cock driving into my ass and making me cum!
Hamish put a hand on my bare ass and slid a teasing finger along my butt crack. He gripped my hips, then pressed his huge cock-head against my asshole. "Soon, my cock is going to be up your ass." he promised loudly.
My dick was just as hard as his. As Hamish knelt behind me and pushed the tip of his dick into my exposed butthole he reached around my body and gave my iron hard cock a quick squeeze.
Anna fingered her pussy and yelled. "Push your big stud cock up his stud ass." She opened her legs wider and drove three fingers up her dripping pussy. "Fuck the hell out of him."
"Oh, I'm gonna fuck him all right." Hamish called back to her. " I am just giving him a little taste before I Fuck him good and hard." He fondled my butt cheeks. "But there's something else I am going to do first." He sank to his knees, put his hands on my butt cheeks, and pulled them even wider apart. He stared at the little puckered hole between my sculpted buttocks with an evil grin. "Oh yeah!" Anna shouted at Hamish. "Eat his ass!"
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| Oh yeah! Anna shouted at Hamish. Eat his ass! |
Hamish looked up at Anna and saw she was boiling in lust. He smiled at her, then turned back to my ass. Hamish kissed, licked, and nipped my hard male buttocks, gradually approaching my butt crack. The Scottish stud now found my beefy muscular ass irresistible. Hamish licked up and down my crack, then pressed his flat tongue against my asshole.
OOO-EEE... I groan. I can't believe that I'm actually getting my bunghole French-kissed by this red-headed cocksucker! This fucking jacked-up Carrot Top look-a-like is making love to my asshole to get my shit-chute ready for some good ol' Scottish style screwing!
I moaned and squirmed, grinding my butt into Hamish's face. "Jesus, that's good!" I moaned. Then Hamish curled his tongue into a point and pressed it into the center of my puckered butthole, teasing it open with the tip of his tongue. I moaned and bucked as he pushed his tongue in deeper. "Oh fuck yeah! Eat my fucking ass!" I groaned. Hamish reached between my legs and began jacking off my cock while tongue-fucking my asshole.
"Oh Gawd!" I gasped. "I'm so fucking close . . ."
As soon as I said that, Hamish pulled his tongue out of my asshole, let go of my throbbing cock, and kissed my butt cheeks. "Not so fast, cousin. I've got something else for you. Something big and hard!"
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| Not so fast, cousin. I've got something else for you. Something big and hard! |
"Plow his ass," Anna moaned in a throaty voice from the sidelines.
"Fuck! I want in that ass!” he said in a low growl. " I'm going to dog fuck your hole hard!"
Anna watched intently. She knew Hamish was now hot for my ripped body but in a very masculine way,
She admired the rock-hard muscles of Hamish's lower back, glutes, and powerful legs. She watched his muscular ass flex and move and his powerful thighs and full hamstrings expand and contract with each movement he made. "What a sight..." Anna thinks. "Hamish is the fucking definition of manly. His bulging muscles, his huge hairy chest, and the massive meat between his legs..."
She had been impressed with the young stud's physique, handsome looks, and his dominant, threatening aura from the first moment he had fully exposed his magnificent, powerful body to her, but now she knew just what those powerful muscles of his were capable of. He had a primal way of fucking, it was like he was an ancient Scottish warrior claiming his prize.
Anna could have walked around to get a closer look but was enjoying the view she had watching from behind. Hamish's muscular physique was covered in a light sheen of sweat, his big, throbbing dick sticking out menacingly at a 45 degree angle toward me. She watched Hamish's sculpted back and the armor-like mounds of muscle in his shoulders and traps as he aimed his big dick at my ass. I felt his finger slid down the sweat slicked crack of my muscled ass. The young alpha male was moving in, preparing to take his prize. Hamish held his swollen horse meat against the asshole of the six foot three muscle man he was about to claim. I could feel the huge drooling cock head pushing my pucker ring open.
She heard a gasp and moan from me and she knew Hamish had penetrated me. Anna watched as Hamish slowly worked his big cock into me. She heard my moans and gasps as he worked inch after thick inch into me.
Hamish's muscular ass flexed over and over as he thrust his horse cock into my ass, claiming Your Mule's tight ass with his big dick, forcing me to moan and groan. The Scottish stud's ass-- muscular beyond belief-- tightened and flexed, rippling with waves of muscle. Anna lost count of how many orgasms she had as she fingered her clit as the sight of the hot ass drove her over the edge.
I am on all fours and Hamish is mounting me. Beads of sweat had formed on Hamish's steel wool like chest hair. Now I feel his muscular hairy pecs pressing into my own heavily muscled and sweat-slicked back.
"Now, we are going to have some "man to man fun". Hamish announces louder than necessary. "Sorry, Anna. No chicks allowed!"
He is on my back and slips his left arm around my body and begins to caress my powerful physique. He begins caressing my pecs and nipples. I get a tit hard-on spiking out of my pec like an inch of hard rubber. He reaches his right arm around my body and gives my stiff dick a squeeze. Then his huge bicep begins flexing as he starts working over my horse cock with his right hand. I groan, leaking precum like a broken faucet as he strokes me. . "Man!" I gasped as Hamish continued to beat me off, "You sure know how to work a dick."
He leans forward and kisses my neck, then sticks his tongue in my ear. He whispers, “You're mine, muscle bitch. I fucking own you. I'm going to pound that hungry hole of yours until you can't walk!”
"FUUKKKKK!!!" I yelled as his huge cock head entered me. I knew it would hurt, but this is insane. Hamish's cock is almost as big as mine! He is gonna split me in half! My ass is on fire! The pain is terrific but is ...turning into something else. My own dick is now rock hard! Fuck, his horse-cock is fully inside me...! In just one fucking try! That was incredible!
"Jesus, you've got a big-ass cock." I moaned.
"You are about to see how big mine gets!" He taunted
He held me around the chest by my thick pecs and plowed me even harder.
"You got a lot of power in that cock of yours." I managed to grunt between groans.
"You want more?" Hamish growled like an animal.
"All you got, Boy. I can take it"! realizing my mouth might be writing a check that my ass can't cash.
"OK, big muscle-man. I'm gonna fuck you until I make you want it. I won't stop until I will make you my muscle bitch! " the teen stud promised.
He wrapped both his strongly muscled arms around me, wanting to feel all of my huge hard muscles as he jammed his huge cock up my hot ass. He had one hand on my huge hard pecs, and the other on my rock hard rippling abs. It was obvious that he was getting turned on by my naked, gleaming muscles as they writhed, twisted and strained under the assault of his massive cock!
Hamish fucked my ass like it had a clit in it. He pounded my ass with hammer blows from his giant cock that rocked my entire body.
He really was hung like a horse. I figured nine very thick inches. He worked his over eight and a half very thick inch cock back into me slowly, all the while making sure I was staring into Anna's eyes as this Scottish teen stud took me up the ass again.
"Hmm...you like that Mule? Doesn't it feel amazing? Doesn't that big young cock feel just so good in your tight little hole, baby?" Anna cooed. "Do you love being Hamish's fucking bitch, Mule?! C'mon, say it loud!"
Hamish then grabbed me by the hair and yanked my head backwards. This forced my body to arch to give him even better access. I felt him pull back and exit his long thick cock all the way out my ass, and then plunge back in. He did this several times, while holding me by the hair. He kept impaling and impaling me on his powerful cock, forcing a loud, high-pitched yelp every time he speared me again. Anna watched as He banged me from behind while grabbing me by the hair. One perfectly muscled Scottish red-haired Adonis pounding a huge blond muscle-man from behind, spearing his ass repeatedly with his big dick. His body looked graceful and magnificent in action as his torso twisted to spear my muscled ass again and again with his over-sized cock, probing me at different angles.
Anna sat watching us with her legs open, fingering her pussy and jacking her clit, coming while she watched Hamish pound my ass. The Hamish looked at Anna. "Here it comes...!!!" He yelled as he yanked his dick out of my ass and fired a hard hot pulse of cum onto my back and ass. Hamish is shooting like a geyser! He definitely has a talent for big loads
Anna fingered her pussy roughly as she watched Hamish shoot. "Oh fuck!" she moaned. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Hamish finally ran out of juice. He let go of his cock, . "That was so fucking hot. Better than I ever imagined." I barely heard Anna say. I had been fucked into near unconsciousness.
We both rolled onto our backs, panting for breath with chests and abs heaving for air, . Both of our muscled packed bodies are sweaty, swollen and pumped from our exertions. Our eyes closed and we are holding hands as we lay next to each other, recovering in the afterglow of the post-orgasmic bliss of a good fuck.
Hamish was the first to speak and break the silence. "Fucking your ass made me hungry as fuck, Cousin. Is Whataburger open for breakfast?"
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| I really should remember I developed my cardinal rule for a reason! |
😵#7-Hamish Gives Me a Lesson on the Hielan Chain 'n' Ring Tug
"Hey Hamish, I got a question for ya."
Hamish looked up from his bowl of Fruity Pebbles and his phone.
"I was looking at some stuff about those Highland Games and came across these pics. But I can't find any info about the pics or what da fuck they are doing. Is this one of the events?"
I toss my phone to Hamish so he can see the pics.
I raise an eyebrow signaling I want more details.
"That's th' hielan chain 'n' ring tug!. Tis a lesser kent 'n' anquidated event bit tis aye weel-kent wi' some! nae tae brag, bit a'm ferr guid at it."
Google Translate: "Yes, bro. That's the Highland chain and ring tug!. It's a lesser known and antiquated event but it's still popular with some! Not to brag, but I am quite good at it."
"Do yi'll waant tae see howfur tis dane? ah kin gie ye a few lessons."
"Do you want to see how it's done? I can give you a few lessons." Hamish offered.
"Yeah, for sure. Thanks!" I reply enthusiastically.
"Put me down? Make me submit? You're as delusional as Molasses Girl if you think that is going to happen, shit head," I sneered at the upstart.
"Shit head? And here I was gonna go easy on my meathead American cousin. But now you're going to get fucked even harder than you did in that threesome! I am going HAM on your ass..." Hamish countered.
Hamish strips off his, uh kilt or plaid skirt or tartan toga or whatever the fuck it is, and pulls on something he calls BATTLE GIRDINGS, but which look suspiciously like plaid briefs he stole out of my dresser drawers- did I mention that Hamish goes COMMANDO all the time, I don't believe the kid OWNS a single pair of underwear! Why do I have plaid briefs, you might ask? They were a gift, now SHADDUP AND STOP ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS!
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| Hamish Looking Ready to Go HAM! |
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| Hamish's Braveheart Bulge |
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| Let's go Ginger Gelding, I look forward to giving you the beatdown you have long deserved! |
TO BE CONTINUED IN: JUST FIGHTS, MULE VS HAMISH
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****************************************
Who I thought Hamish's heroes would be:
Who his heroes turned out to be:
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| ~THE KILTED COACHES~ of YOUTUBE RENOWN |
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| Hamish hoped to be a dancer with these guys one day and be kilt deep in pussy as a result! |
LEGAL DISCLAIMER: ~This blog does not endorse or condone the use of DATE RAPE drugs, and no suggestion of underage sexual activity is intended or advocated. The management assumes no liability for stains on clothing or furniture, nor for excessive consumption of absorbent paper products resulting from use of this blog material., nor do we endorse the mistreatment of Scotsmen in any way, names may have been altered, and no relation to any person living, dead or Scottish need necessarily be construed~
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| The Scottish National Party (SNP) has reviewed his post, and due to stereotypical and inaccurate portrayal of the Scots has blocked Mulesblog from the country and Mule is now persona non grata in every hill and dale, in the heather and the heath from every Loch and Firth in our Beloved Land! |
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| I was banned from Scotland FIRST, back when being banned from Scotland was cool, now it is just LAME, MULE! |
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| SHUT THE FUCK UP FAT MAN, Not EVERYTHING is about YOU, this MY FUCKINGG BLOG, and I am always the coolest on MY FUCKING BLOG, right readers? READERS? HELLO? |
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