Mulezan Goes to India: Alternative Ending

This is an Alternate Ending to Mulezan Goes to India.

This is the way it should have ended, you agree, right readers?
 says the serpentine Artist-brah...

How Artist-Brah wanted us to end the story if  Mule and Edit-
Brah handn't been so squeamish!

"Mulezan! Adi!  Come Quickly!"

*Run-Run-Run* *Pant-Pant-Pant...* 

Mulezan! Adi! Come Quickly!

Mulezan awoke with a start to the frantic screams of Rohit the Margdarshak

Mulezan awoke with a start
to the frantic screams of Rohit

"Wake up, Adi! I need you," Mulezan growled

Wake up, Adi! I need you.

"I need you too, Mulezan..." Adi says as he snuggled closer to Mulezan.

"No, not that... you horny dumb ass!" Mulezan exasperatedly growled.

I need you too, Mulezan...

"It sounds like Rohit needs us. There must be trouble!"

It sounds like Rohit needs us. There must be trouble!

"But what about my needs, Mulezan..." a sleepy Adi mumbles lustily.

But what about my needs, Mulezan...

"Not now! Time for that later, Big Guy. Let's go! I'm a hero, remember! Duty calls!" Mulezan replies forcefully.

Not now! Time for that later, Big Guy. Let's go!

"So I don't get a morning fuck just because you're a 'hero'? Well I am sure glad I'm not a hero, that's all I got to say. OK, OK! I'm coming right behind you." Adi grumbles.

OK, OK! I'm coming right behind you.

You coming guys? Inquired Rohit.
We can get back to what we were doing, after we figure this shit
out Adi... Mulezan remarked.

Mulezan and Adi run towards where Rohit is pointing, the little Indian leading the way.  As they run, Rohit is babbling what sound like prayers incoherently in one of the thousand obscure Indian dialects. Rohit is so upset he is in near hysterics, but he obviously wants Mulezan and Adi to follow him. They do, and the scene he leads them to is shocking!

May this breath merge into the immortal breath. Then may the
 body end in ashes.

"May this breath merge into the immortal breath. Then may the body end in ashes. AUM, remember what has been done, O intelligence remember what has been done, remember, remember. O Agni, O God, the knower of all our deeds, lead us along the right path to prosperity. Please take away from us our deceitful sins. Many prayers we offer you," chanted Adi and Rohit piously.

Mulezan was more blasé. "Whoa! -- Well Daymn", says Mulezan, "that's not something you see everyday!"

Well Daymn, says Mulezan, that's not something you see everyday!

I'm pretty sure he's dead...I mean, he looks dead to me.

"I'm pretty sure he's dead.  I mean, he looks dead to me.  What do you think Adi?"

Hans had become a lighter shade of pale...

Adi interrupts his prayers for the dead to remark: "Definitely dead in my opinion, Mulezan, notice he has voided his bowels and now  is even paler than usual."

Perhaps we should cut him down and bury him, 
suggested Rohit.
I dunno, said Mulezan, the birds have to eat.

"You know, I have heard of things like this among Bantu.  Those they call the SEX MAD ONES, in their tongue, jerk off while dangling from a tree with a noose around their necks. They say it makes cumming moar better."  I never actually seen it, though.

"I have heard of such things among European ex-pats in India, we call them the SUN-ADDLED, you know what they say about mad-dogs and Englishmen," noted Rohit.

I think it more likely that he couldn't live with the shame of
 losing to you, Mulezan.

"I think it more likely that he couldn't live with the shame of losing to you, Mulezan," noted Adi sagaciously, eager to change the topic from autoerotic asphyxiation.

Really?  Well, fuck.  I would have hung myself like 10 times by
 now if I followed that rule

"Really? Well, fuck. I would have hung myself like 10 times by now if I followed that rule. I'm more of the 'OK, you won this one but I'm coming back to kick your ass' kinda guy, know what I mean?"

"The Austrian was one nutty strudel if you get my meaning, he was so hung up on German racial superiority, he could not assimilate defeat the way you can, Mulezan," replied Adi.

The corpse of Hans had attracted the attention of
 some vultures who began to circle...

"Back home Bondeko knew this trick that can sometimes revive a dude that looks dead.  He taught me how to do it.  You got to breath into his mouth and hit him in the chest near the heart.  And if he choked on something you got to bearhug him too.  But I got to be honest here, I never really liked the dude." said Mulezan.

"Yeah, I know.  He was a real asshole.  I wouldn't bother if I were you, Mulezan." replied Adi.

"I will third that, if my opinion counts for anything," added Rohit.

One of the vultures swooped down at Hans, pecked
experimentally at his right eye, then flew away as Rohit
 shooed it off...

"Well, one of us needs to cut him down, I guess.  Want to arm wrestle for it?" --Adi inquired.

No, I will dig the grave, Adi. You can cut him down.

"No, I will dig the grave, Adi. You can cut him down."

"We could have just fed his body to the Tiger, but someone  killed our only man eating Tiger in the area..." Adi said, accusingly. 

"Bro,  the dude weighs a ton or whatever you Indian dudes weigh things in.  No way I am gonna carry him to the grave.  Dead people are bad luck and besides they have all sort of diseases.  And in this sun he's already starting to stink like week old fish.  Wait, I got an idea." Mulezan said, ignoring Adi's remark about the Tiger.

This seems awfully complex solution to the problem, Mulezan,
 I mean you were bench pressing Hans when you were
wrestling, he isn't THAT heavy.

I like a challenge, Adi, why do things the EASY way!

Overly complex solutions to simple problems is all part of my
American heritage, Adi! One day it will create a vast and
expensive military-industrial complex!

America is destined to be the dominant super-power in
 the world!

Rohit remarked:  Now you are starting to sound like The
Engineer, besides isn't the US, a third-rate power with a military
 smaller than that of Portugal?

Shut up Rohit, America  kicked Spain's ass a dozen years ago,
 didn't we, we could take Portugal!

"This is really nice of you to help out, Tantor. I mean, considering this worthless son-of-a-bitch was planning to drown you and your entire family." Mulezan told Tantor, the elephant.

"No problem, Mulezan. We elephants don't hold grudges. Glad to lend a trunk!" Tantor replied.

See, this way is much more fun than your way, Adi!

Plus the elephants get to feel part of the defeat of their nemesis,
 Herr Buttmann

Always a good idea to stay on good terms with the elephants!

After all, it is their forest home that this whole thing is all about!

I can't wait to finish, Mulezan, you know how the smell of
rotting meat is offensive to us elephants...we're vegetarians 

Even if this piece of carrion is Herr Butthead...
You mean Herr Buttmann?
I meant what I said, Mulezan!

OK, I got to the grave, you  want me to lower him or just drop
 him in, I would prefer the latter.
Better lower him in, the Indians are already mad that I made an
 elaborate production of this.

Excellent work, Trantor, I couldn't have done better myself!

Gently, Trantor, we want to bury him intact, we can show that
 much respect to the asshole!

Auf Wiedersehen Strudel man!

The Austrian went from Übermensch to unterdembodenmensch

Now where were we when we were so rudely interrupted...