Mule's Blog: Vignette: Mule vs. the Flying Saucers

A blog reader recently asked me if I had ever had any strange experiences like UFOs, Psychic phenomena and other paranormal shit. I was hesitant to share this particular adventure with y'all in case you thought I was as crazy as my friend Catbrah. But I actually had a genuine X-FILE level encounter with some flying saucers! Either that or too much tequila, but FLYING SAUCERS is my story and I am STICKING TO IT.

I was driving back home from hunting, on a lonely, dark country road, when suddenly my engine conked out on my Jeep. Which was strange because I just had the thing serviced. Then there were these strange sparkling colored lights in the sky!

The engine in my jeep just stopped working, and what the heck
are those strange lights in the sky?

I got out of the Jeep to get a better look, and suddenly I was blinded by a powerfully bright white light. Suddenly I could no longer feel the ground beneath my boots and had the sensation of ...FLOATING.

What da fuq?

I woke with some ugly muthafuckers looking down on my handsome muscular magnificence. Strange clicking and whooping sounds filled my ears, but some sort of painful implant in my brain caused me to understand...

This is the finest human specimen we've ever abducted!

They were clearly impressed with me, but hey, can you really blame them? They provided me with what they call "nutrient fluids" which sounded dreadful, but it tasted like one of my best protein shakes. I slurped it down, which pleased the E.T.s, because as they explained to me, I would need my full strength for some tests they wanted to conduct I figured they wanted to run some standard intelligence tests, and maybe an endurance test like they used to do with chimps in NASA labs, because we were probably like chimps to an advanced race of aliens. These aliens had OTHER plans in mind.

Hello specimen 4568724, my name is X'X'Xth'ac, I am the lead
researcher of humanology on this vessel!

You can just call me MULE, I said, between slurps of the
nutrient fluid I had been provided, which I have to admit was
the best protein shake I had ever had!

I must insert this device into your anal cavity, most humans find
it moderately to intensely painful, but I assure you it is
necessary for the furtherance of science, you like science, right?

But as readers of this blog know, nobody gets to stick NOTHING up my gorgeous ass first, unless they beat me in a fight, and these wimpy looking aliens did NOT look they were capable of THAT.

Sure I like science, but as to your anal probing, I will have to say HELL NO!

X'X'Xth'ac might be a braniac, but like the rest of his species he
had poor muscle tone, and was easily overcome!

Does your species even lift, Brah! God damn aliens, go back to
whatever planet you came from, #MAGA man!

The aliens might have impressive technology and all, but their hand to hand combat skills were sub-par to even a fourth grade wuss, who gets beat up every day at school. I was throwing these suckers around like rag dolls, and my fists of fury and powerful kicks were connecting with these illegals with sickening thuds, cracks and crunches. They were so shocked by my sudden and impressive combat skills that none of these offworlders thought to reach for their ray guns!