Mule's Blog: Vignette: T'was the Nightmare Before Christmas: A Mulish Christmas Carol

~Enrique Nieto Nadal~

Story by Mule, editing and funny picture wrangling by Stefan, special art by Enrique Nieto Nadal

{Yes, beloved readers and Andrew, there will be a fight. But first, let's enjoy some Christmas Humor courtesy of Editor-Brah}

Santa caught Sprinkles reading Mulesblog!

How I pick up sloots in December!

Which is why Santa should not judge me so harshly!

Santa Gets a little punchy as Christmas nears...

This year's Naughty List has been published, things are about
to get ugly!

My Dad taught me this trick, and it worked for many years,
until a few years ago when that feud between me and Santa
began!

Settle down there sloot! Don't mess with my acquisition of
Christmas loot!

I hate that Mule guy!

Now when I was a kid, Santa and I got along great!

But over the years, we drifted apart, and no longer began to see things eye to eye, until our relationship grew increasingly frosty...

Oh boy, am I in this story?

Not that kind of frosty, I am talking indifference, growing into seething resistance into outright seething resentment until it finally became straight out hostility. However, clearly it was ALL Santa's fault.

Things came to a head in 2015 when an all out feud started when I kicked Kris Kringle's fat ass! Now those of you who have been following the epic saga of this feud may be wondering what Santa had in store for me in 2017, after the Krampus Fiasco of 2016! Well now that it is Dec. 2018, I am free to relate what transpired on that fateful night 12 months ago...

Now this is what went down, Your Mule was all snug in his bed with visions of protein shakes set in his head. He was first visited by Brawl in Boulder Mike: He was looking worse than I had ever seen him before, he frankly looked like the Michelin Tire Man!

"Mike, Dude, what happened to you!" --I said freaking out!

"These are the rolls of fat: the spare tires, fatceps, and double chins, I earned in life... for ignoring cardio and not eating clean! It has been noted how much fast food and sweets you have been eating lately, and I can't even see a four pack on that abdomen, much less a six pack! It looks like you have been packing on the pounds lately."

I was a bit embarrassed, I had indeed put on a pound or two, or four, or five, but c'mon it was the Holiday Season after all, and everybody is offering you COOKIES.

"I'm on a bulk..." I lied "But DUDE, did you die or something?" --I inquired,

"Not yet, I am the spirit of Mike's coming heart attack, that will hit him on about age 50! I have been sent to to warn you of your slovenly ways and habits. So that you may learn and avoid your fate! As for Mike, there is no hope for THAT lazy slob. Tonight you will be visited by THREE SPIRITS, pay close attention to what they have to say! It is 12 am, you will be visited by THREE spirits, one each hour, beginning when the clock strikes 1 a.m. " --Mike answered dully, and vanished which was cool, because I was already bored with that chubster and all his doom and gloom.

On the strike of 1 a.m., just as I was in the middle of a great sex dream, I was awakened by a cold chill, and as I opened my eyes, I espied the specter of a very hot, and very slutty chick.

"I am the spirit of Bimbos Past"

Having toured, slut after slut, whose names I had forgotten, and promptly forgot again, and whose hearts I had broken, the sloot had the nerve to slut shame me and say..."You do realize, of all the sloots we have visited, you with your sexual wanderlust, lack of fundamental relationship loyalty, and utter promiscuous nature planting your seed in every bimbo and bro you fancy, you are the greatest sloot of all of them."

"Sure, but I am a guy!" I said, stating the bloody obvious.

"For your sins against sloots, you are given this challenge, you must outfuck me, or a horrible, incurable STD will be visited on you, shriveling your genitals and producing rashes, warts and vile, burning penile discharge!"

I then proceeded to fuck her brains out, and as we orgasmed together, she cried out: "I love you, Mule!", then she de-materialized not even demanding cuddles, I wished all sloots were that accommodating, as I fell into a post coitus slumber

The clock struck 2 a.m., and I was startled awake by a loud: "Bro!"

"I am the spirit of Gym Bros Present"

"For your excessive cheat meals, occasional non-restacking of weights, and violations of the BRO CODE, you are challenged to a lift off. If you lose even ONE of these feats of strength, you will be visited by ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig's Disease, a horrible affliction of your motor neurons, that will cause your muscles to atrophy and your magnificent physique to shrivel and waste away!"

The first Bro-el, the Millennials did sing, born is the SELFIE on
Inst-a-gram!

Having bested the Gym bro in every lifting contest, in every gym I currently belong to, the Bro was impressed, and handed me a protein shake, and was on his way...

The clock struck 3 am, and I woke with a start, for this was the spirit I feared the most, The spirit of Opponents Future!

St. Nick has tagged in St. Freddy

Santa sent me, Mule. It appears, you have been a VERY,
naughty boy! Unless you can defeat me, your future on earth
will be VERY short indeed!

"Santa sent me, Mule. It appears, you have been, a VERY, naughty boy! I am sad to say, that unless you can defeat me, your future on earth will be VERY short indeed!"

I tried to be hospitable. "Hi Freddy, nice turtleneck, the hat is very seasonal, did like your fedora, care for a snack."

Freddy loses the Santa hat and asks: "Got any BLOOD sausage?" with a diabolical laugh.

I tried to be hospitable.
Would you like some lemon cookies, I offered.

"I have some lemon cookies I baked myself," offering a gift box I had made for one of my casuals. I noticed he was now wearing a fedora, and I realized I must be in a nightmare...well duh, it was FREDDY.

I was hoping for something with more a bit more meat to it,
he said crushing the box.

"I guess he doesn't like lemon cookies, but he didn't have to waste them," I thought bitterly. I gave him one of my signature STEELY glances, and said: "Da fuq? I'ma try'n be a nice guy here, broski. I am built like Hercules. You look like an Abercrombie greeter at Halloween. How do you really think this is going to go for you? That hat will look good on me, when I take it from you burn boy!"

Freddy cackles maniacally as horror villains are want to do: "Hercules? More like Joke-ules! Oh, big tough Mule...you think all those bulging muscles, intimidate ME, the dream master? I heard you like to work out, perhaps we should move this discussion to a gym!"

Suddenly we were in a Planet Fitness where a cross-fit class was in progress...

I think it is time for some CARDIO...

Everybody turned and pointed at me, as the lunk alarm sounded, it was the ultimate gym NIGHTMARE...

"You evil bastard, the gym is a sacred place for me, a shrine of testosterone, male bonding, smashing iron and serenity, and you have RUINED IT," I snarled angry at this profane abomination.

Freddy extended a razor of his claw toward a mirror. "Mule, do you even lift? You are looking weak and scrawny!"

The nightmare of Bigorexia

The nightmare of Bigorexia, the broiled pedophile was playing dirty!

"Perhaps I can help, steroids anyone?"

Steroids Anyone?

"This body is a temple, I don't need none of your juice!" I growled.

"Hmm you should be terrified, my victim's terror is MY juice, perhaps if I assumed the form of a stage 5 clinger, that will scare the shit out of you..."

The Demon assumes the form of a Stage 5 Stalker

"Care for some molasses and grass cookies, Mule? Why don't you text me anymore? I just want all of your attention, and will stalk you forever and ever and ever..."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" --I screamed.

Perhaps you would like some Monk fish with mushrooms,
Mule...

Freddy transformed into a Kruegeresque Gordon Ramsay, and said evilly: "Perhaps you would like some Monkfish with mushrooms, Mule..."

"You infernal fuck!" --I hollered! This nightmare was becoming unbearable.

As you like to fight, Mule, perhaps, you would like to box me,
you whiny little snowflake!

Or maybe you'd like to wrestle...

You like my singlet? I think it makes me look real SEXY!

I realized negotiation was out of the question with Burnt Toast: "You're just not going to be happy unless we fight...are you?"

"Looks that way...doesn't it? I am the opponent spirit after all!" --Fried Fred snorted.

"Man, you're got some serious issues, don't you?" -- I reflected.

"Haven't you watched my movies? I am possessed by demons!"

"I saw some porn parodies of them, my favorite was Night Emissions on Vulva Street III, staring the big bosomed Frederica Krueger."

"You ever been fucked in the ass by a unicorn inside a rainbow? I can arrange that you know." -Freddy countered, angry that I wasn't a fan of his vast cinematic oeuvre.

"You fuckin' pedo, how about we fight a fair fight without all this dream shit!" --I screamed, spittle flying.

"But this dream shit, as you so elegantly put it, is my raison d'etre lawyer boy. But your remark about me being a pedo, gives me an idea, how about I fight you as you were as a kid!"

I realized if we were in a dream, I could dream things too, to fight Freddy, I imagined him as Donald Duck, and forming back into my 6'3" 260lb. behemoth form, I drop kicked him across the room.

Not bad, Mule, but do you really think you can beat me at my
own game?

Freddy chuckled: "Good one. But not good enough."

I thought: "I knew I shouldn't have done that. I just hope it didn't make him mad!"

Freddy snarled: "I'm gonna rip your arteries out an' strangle ya' with 'em!"

I whispered out loud: "Y'know, sometimes I wish I had the habit of thinking things out a bit more thoroughly...this psychopath's capable of anything..." GULP !!!

Time to play!

Fucker began clawing up my brand new home and furniture!

The muthephuker began clawing up my brand new home and furniture!

Then he began shredding my selection of wife-beaters in my closet!

He began shredding my selection of wife-beaters in my closet!

"You having fun yet, Mule?"

"I will get you for this BBQ'd Dream Pussy! Prepare to see stars Edward Scissorhands!"

Balls down, cocks up! I am pulling out all my best BJJ moves.

Freddo the Pedo was not daunted by three spectacular kicks I unleashed, which had sent him flying back over and over hitting the walls, the floor and assorted furniture: "You goad me? Mock me? You will show me respect. I will crush you like an insect. How shocked do you think your gonna be when I beat your bloody teeth down your fuckin' throat?"

I boldly retorted: "Probably not as shocked as your gonna be when I rip off those fancy claws and shove them up your ass!"

I begin to move slowly toward Freddy, my muscles flexing. I tense my muscled core, my abs flexing as I quickly fire my deeply tanned, muscled right leg up toward Freddy's jaw. Freddy reacts too late, my brutal head kick spinning him completely around and nearly sending him tripping over his own feet, but he manages to steady himself.

He's dazed though. Looking around like he doesn't know where he is.

"I'm over here, dipshit! I'll beat your ass quick, don't worry..." I growl. When he turns in the direction of my voice, I charge and ram my shoulder into his gut, knocking the wind out of him and folding him over. When he straightens up I pull him towards me and headbutt him in the nose. My head connects hard and Freddy's head snaps back, blood coming from his nose.

I figure I can finish him with my next punch and I throw a left at his jaw. I am shocked when he blocks it! CHOK! Then Freddy drops low and comes forward and up, putting all his power into a left uppercut to my jaw. WHACK! He hits way harder than I expected!

"Gotta...hand it to ya, Freddy...I didn't see that...comin'...." I didn't get a chance to finish my compliment tho, because a kick comes up between my legs, connecting with my balls AGH! AHHH! I grunt as my body is rocked, but I stand my ground.

Freddy reaches forward in an attempt to clamp his hands on either side of my face, to deliver his own headbutt. But instead I grab Freddy's wrists and use my muscles and 3 inches of height advantage, to slowly open up Freddy's mid section as he roars out in frustration, and drive my right knee up and into Freddy's surprisingly hard stomach.

It was not enough, and while I was getting in some good shots, I was being raked and shredded by them damn claw blades.

I will enjoy adding your soul to my collection, Mule!

Oh, back into a fighting stance, how cute!

You got quite a kick to you, but I rule this dream realm,
you can't win!

Ah, some fancy footwork, dodging my claw!

Perhaps I need to extend my reach...

I can transform my form at will!

Whatever you try, I will adapt...

You can run, but you can't hide!!!

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

I knew I had to think outside the box, but wait, this was all a dream, until I could figure a way to wake up, I dreamed up some help in the form of Jason Voorhees!

I dreamed up some help in the form of Jason Voorhees!

I let them fight it out!

I hung back, letting them fight it out, munching on a lemon cookie...

Well, that didn't end well for Jason!

Well, that didn't end too well for Jason. But it looks like he softened Freddy up a lot. Time for Mule to finish this job.

"Foolish human, you have no idea of the Power of the Dark Side of the Christmas Spirit!" Freddy booms in a voice like a prime James Earl Jones. "You have yet to see my FINAL FORM! Behold, Feddy at Super Saiyan Power Level 180,000!"

There is a flash of lightening and a clap of thunder out of nowhere. SKRRAAKOOOOOM!!!!

Bad news. Okay...Okay...This is amazingly breathtaking in scale and scope.

A M A Z I N'

M

A

Z

I

N'

Freddy's Final Form
Super Saiyan Power Level 180,000
MEGA-FREDDY

It's Mega-Freddy!

His clothing rips off Bruce Banner style, as he transforms to his Final Form, giving a full view of his astounding physique. He was an enormous solid mountain of fat-free and lean solid, ridged, knotted, defined rock hard muscle. I marvelled at his broad, powerfully built, muscled chest with deep grooves of cleavage, a ripped set of sculpted, deep ridged steel hard abs, and thick shoulders. Mega-Freddy was was pure muscle and testosterone-packed male virility: a big certified alpha male powerhouse.

So now it was two battling alpha male powerhouses, one a top tier peak human and the other....something else. So that's how we playin' this? Fine, I got a second wind. Let's go, bro!

Mega-Freddy's clothing rips off
as he transforms to his Final Form,
giving a full view of his
astounding physique.

Mega-Freddy was a mountain
of fat-free and lean solid, ridged,
knotted, defined rock hard muscle.
A broad powerfully built muscled
chest with deep grooves of cleavage,
a ripped set of sculpted and
deep ridged steel hard abs

Mega-Freddy was pure muscle
and testosterone-packed male virility:
a certified alpha male powerhouse.

I pivot back, behind Mega-Freddy, and rope my arms underneath the powerhouse ghoul's arm pits and muscle him into a full nelson, my cock grinding into the muscled cheeks of Mega-Freddy's ass.

Mega-Freddy growls at the dominant move. The jacked demon's muscled body, glistening with sweat, is fully exposed for a few seconds before I send two knees powered by my 28" legs up into his lower back. Mega-Freddy grunts in pain, his face reddening (well, as near as I can tell) in anger and shame as he struggles.

"Where you going, you demonic juice-head?!" I taunt as Mega-Freddy thrashes and squirms uselessly as he's trying to escape. The herculean boogie man grunts and peaks all his over-sized muscles before dropping his chin to his chest, then fires his head backwards in an effort to break my nose and hold. I easily dodge the attack, then toy with him, torquing the nelson to shoot pain up into his upper body, then shove him forward.

As soon as he turns around to face me, I am ready. I pivot, spin and lift my left leg up to fire a roundhouse kick to Mega-Freddy's jaw. His jaw takes all of the impact. His head snaps back with blood and sweat spraying into the air. His body spins partially around before crashing hard to his knees.

His eyes are glazed over as he looks up at me dumbfounded.

"BOOM! HEADSHOT! Mutherphuker," I shout.

As Mega-Freddy scrambles off his knees, I step up and into his beastly body, putting my arm between his redwood-tree sized legs and my shoulder under Mega-Freddy's crotch, lifting the mightily muscled creature up in the air.

As Mega-Freddy is lifted off the ground, I hold him overhead momentarily in a gorilla press, letting what is about to happen set in, and then drive him onto his back onto the hard floor. The air explodes from his lungs.

As I leap up and toward him attempting a body slam, Mega-Freddy shows he's still got something left as he fires his right heel upward and toward the top of my rock hard stomach.

GUHHHH!!! I grunt loudly as the foot connects to my abs, knocking the wind out of me. But it doesn't stop the force of gravity from completing my landing on top of Mega-Freddy.

I land muscled chest to muscled chest with Mega-Freddy's sweat slick torso. For an instant our powerful sweaty bodies were cemented together, muscled chest to muscled chest, hard nipples to hard nipples, rippling rock hard abs to rippling rock hard abs, iron hard horse cock to iron hard horse cock. The erotic sensation was too much for both musclemen. Together we sighed out loudly, moaning in momentary wanton muscle lust. I shake my head to clear it. I quickly slide up to my knees and mount Mega-Freddy's massive chest as blood drips down his huge sweaty pecs from his nose. Freddy's bull cock begins to throb and leak as I mount him, the flesh of both brawlers slick with sweat and blood.

"You fight like a girl, BITCH!" I growl as I clamp my left paw onto Freddy's head. My chest heaving, I snort and spit into Mega-Freddy's face as I pull back my right fist for the fight's final attack.

In an act of desperation, Mega-Freddy tries to out speed me by firing is right fist up into my face, but I swat his arm away.

"You're mine, bitch!" I growl, firing my fist down. Mega-Freddy, exhausted, begins to move his head but gets solidly punched.

"Fuck you!" Mega-Freddy snarls, then again fires a left upward towards my nose.

Damn, this freakshow can really can take a beating...I can almost respect that.

I pick Mega-Freddy's fist out of the air with my right hand, grabbing the wrist and twisting violently to put pressure on his shoulder joint, lifting the muscled packed fighter's upper body slightly as I fire a crossing left fist straight toward Mega-Freddy's nose. Mega-Freddy cries out, trying to jerk free, then blindly sends his right fist flying toward my face. He misses. I lift up on my knees, and grab Mega-Freddy's throat, starting to throttle the now nearly demolished fighting fiend as my thick bodybuilder thighs press in on Mega-Freddy's muscle-packed torso, my 22" biceps peaking as I growled, fully absorbed in hurting and dominating my other-worldly enemy in the heat of bloody battle. Mega-Freddy's face turns red (redder?) as he tries to claw at my hands around his throat. We were two muscled alphas, one human and one something else, working out dominance.

Mega-Freddy grows all five fingernails of his right hand into six inch Wolverine type talons, preparing to savagely rake his nails down my face, but as Mega-Freddy brings his hand up, I lift his head and neck up off the ground. My hands turn white with the power as my biceps and pecs peak and shake with effort — then I smash Mega-Freddy's head into the floor. As Mega-Freddy's head bounces off the floor, his arms go limp, crashing to his side, his eyeballs rolling up into his head.

Blood pumps from my nose and down my smooth chest, my muscles rippling as I breathes heavily. I snort and send bloody spit flying down onto Mega-Freddy's motionless face, smiling at my defeated opponent. With a groan, I bring one leg up, then stand. Fuuukk...my ribs ache like I've been in a vice.

I step back, standing over Mega-Freddy, and put my right foot down on Mega-Freddy's softening but still huge manhood. I mash the long and thick limp cock between my toes and press it into Mega-Freddy's stone-hard stomach, as I do a double bicep pose.

Well, since I am now in charge of this dream, I think I will leave a little something for Mega-Freddy for when he wakes up. UMMMMMMM...concentrate real hard like I am doing deadlifts...and SKRRAAKOOOOOM!!!! Well I be fucked... it worked...

I will just leave this Super Saiyan Power Level
180,000 Mega-Jason Voorhees to greet Mega-Feddy
when he regains consciousness

I look at my opponent one last time and I want to shower with clorox and sandpaper. GRUH... didn't I used t' have a reputation?

I was awakened by my phone ringing, it was my Mother's ring tone. "I thought we were going to have Christmas Brunch together, when are you getting over here, dear?" I was groggy, and feeling battered and beaten up.

"So I didn't miss it!"

"You will, if you don't get up, and get your butt in gear, young man!"

I noticed Freddy's fedora on the ground, I picked it up and tried it on, it fit, and I looked stylin'.

So did I learn any important lessons from this night of supernatural experiences, that transpired with such ominous import?