Monday, February 8, 2016

Out of the Cobwebs: Collecting on a Superbowl Bet

As we just had a Superbowl win by my home team THE DENVER BRONCOS, You know the Mule revels in equine glory!

 I thought it would be a good time to go down into the cobwebs and pull out this old bottle to celebrate.  This is an oldie but a goodie with more than 60 footnotes!

So look back on this old chestnut, Collecting on a Superbowl Bet  as you are still basking in Superbowl fever!

Friday, February 5, 2016

Vignette: High School Reunion

When the invitation for my 5 year class reunion came in the mail, I almost had a laugh. You see Mule even back then I was an alpha male pimp with 17 inch pythons even back then. I know a lot of you readers graduated as 105 lb. geeks soaking wet, and high school was hell for you, I was KING of my school, and had nerds like you wetting their pants.  I wonder if I would still make their knees knock.

After graduation, I got even bigger and now sported 20 inchers.  My past time in college and  law school have been lifting and fucking.  I have built my body into a rock hard temple and as awesome as I was in High School, when some of the faculty and staff see me strutting into the reunion, there will many a boner and wet panties as they get a gander of how much more awesome I have become.  I was looking forward to seeing Billy Wilcox again  (See Swirlie) and hanging out with old  my football posse.

The invitation said "suit and tie", but if you know me, I'm just not a suit and tie kind of guy. I walked in dressed in my usual tight blue jeans, aviators and beater, with my massive guns, I don’t think I was going to hear a peep of protest from the AFCs, Jock Sniffers and Fetch-n-carries…and certainly not from any of the ladies. 

 I also was carrying my homemade protein shake: 1 jar of Natty PB, 2 scoops of cottage cheese, one can of tuna, and a cup of oatmeal, all blended with skim milk. Delicious

I walked in, lats flared and my adrenaline pumping. I was walking around like I owned the place. Two former classmates approached me.

Sniffer#1: “Hey I remember me Mule, we had algebra, geography, English and chemistry together…

Me:  (Not remembering him at all.)    “Sure kid, um….

Sully” offered the sniffer.  “Remember you used to call me Sullied his shorts

Yeah, yeah good ol’ Sully!”  I crushed his hand in a vise like grip and walked off still clueless as to who the fuck he was.

Sniffer #2: Oh hi, Mule, remember me?  Yeah we had good times together, lot’s of laughs.  Remember that gag where you and your buddies used to strip us Marching Band guys naked, wrap us in Saran wrap and tie us to the flagpole and other landmarks. You got a lot bigger man. How ya been?

"Mule is so cool...heh heh...
...heh heh heh"

Was I really that mean in High School?  I don’t remember it being like that, but these dweebs certainly had a different take on H.S. than I did. But for all the hell I might of put them through, some of these jokers were looking at me with adoring, worshipful eyes.

JS: Mule is the greatest! Isn't he?  ♥♥♥sigh, sniff, sigh♥♥♥

Well Billy Wilcox had been less than forgiving, but that was 2 years ago and we had got past that.

I caught two of the rich snots: Cyrus and Martin sneering at me from their table.  I guess they thought they were not talking loud enough for me to hear them, but I did.  “Look at that juice monkey, he is even more of a meathead than he was back in H.S.  I heard he went first to Duke and then Georgetown, I guess they have quotas for gorillas at those schools, because he certainly didn’t get in on his brains.”

Now those jerks I remember.  Silver spoons in their mouths, they thought they owned the world.  I felt the rage burn up inside of me. I grabbed each of them by the throat and dragged them into a back room, where I beat both of them unconscious with my sledgehammer fists. "How you like being DONKEY KONGED by this gorilla?"-- I screamed at their motionless mauled bodies. I relieved them of some cash, and expensive switch timepieces (waste not, want not), and hung each of their bruised and bloody carcasses on either side of a large coat rack for the janitor to find.

Next stop I headed to the bathroom, where I stripped down to my posers and oiled up my body. "Time to show them all that I am STILL their god damn KING," I told myself, psyching myself up. I felt like Eminem before the rap battle in 8 mile.

I headed to the stage, pointed to the DJ, indicating for him to start playing my song. "Welcome to the jungle" blared throughout the room, as I began my posedown. Side Chest, Back double, Most Muscular, I showed off every pose in the book. I watched the stunned reaction of male classmates, while women flocked with five, ten and twenties. "Take it off, Mule!" When I hit the crowd with my signature lat flare, the screams were deafening. One girl even fainted. My old football posse then joined me on stage, and shirts and pants were coming off and muscles bulging and straining in display.  I got a whole lot of phone numbers, and was fucking women left and right for the next few days, pussy was raining down on me like manna from heaven.  Cuckolded quite a few men that weekend.


I  dressed and started to walk out. Someone grabbed me by the arm. Tiffany Brown. Nicknamed "Pass Around Brown" for her reputation of having the offensive line run a train on her under the bleachers. She still looked the same. Hot face, nice body, huge tits. Been there, done that!   "...Fuck do you want?" I snarled at her.

Tiffany: Well, I thought that was really amazing. My husband's body is- well, not that great. I mean, he's rich and all, but… his name is Cyrus Warminger, maybe you remember him?

“Yeah I remember him”  I thought, “I just hung his unconscious wreckage on a coat rack”

But I actually just said: “So Tiffany Warminger, now

I can’t find my husband, and I am feeling rather…lonely” she said batting her eyes.  Well, once a sloot, always a sloot.  

No doubt she is also banging the pool guy and the gardener.   Still the idea of cuckolding Cyrus made it all the more worthwhile.

Look Tiff, it wouldn’t be a proper reunion if we didn’t fuck for ol’ time sake!

I led her into the back alley where Tyrone was doggy styling Mrs. Martin Rykowski,  Martin being the other guy hanging from the coat rack.  I gave Tyrone a nod, and began hiking up Tiffany’s dress with one hand, and pulling down her panties with the other, as I backed her sweet tush against the wall.

I fucked her pussy, and then had her lick off her pussy residue and the dribbles of semen that didn’t make it inside her.   The I instructed her to fully slob my knob.

She knew what she was doing. An absolute Hoover Vacuum.

Me: “Hey Tiff, remember the time convinced me to ask you to the dance, but then when I showed up at your house you had forgotten I had asked you and when I showed up like a chump in as suit and carrying a box with a corsage you were already leaving with Cyrus?

Tiffany: (mouthful of dong) "Mmmm?? Mmmm."

Me: “Well, I never got to tell you how I felt about that. Had to call Rhianna up at last minute to be substitute sloot! Embarrassing.!”

I pulled my dick out of her mouth and jerked off in her eyes. Two shots of baby batter in each pupil.
Tiffany: “Oh god, what the fuck! I can't fuckin’ see!

I left her blinded and cursing in the alley, but I heard later she got fucked by Tyrone, Jared and Malcolm from the Posse.


Monday, February 1, 2016

Musings from Valhalla: Things I know!

Excerpts from My Politically Incorrect

Multi-volume Memoirs

-If you're impressed by physiques you see on the cover of Men's Health Magazine then fine but I'ma striving to be a monster ... NOT some middle aged soccer mom's eye candy... fuck that shit!

-You don't need money to get laid.... you do need money to date tho

-Girls that say big cocks are overrated either have a bf/husband with a small cock or never had a big one before...

-Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents: Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

-The girls be lining up to suck mah dick and the guys want to be my friend for the leftovers...

-Blondes are for practice...

-When I  look at me in the mirror, after my shower, I think WOW.. I'm so hot, if  I was a chick I 'd fuck this guy ...!!

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Vignette: Bane of the Gym

It’s a regular Monday morning on the way to the gym on my brand new Harley. I park right in front of the entrance, flick a couple bills to the lobbyist to watch my baby toy as I proceed to the weight room to work out my pythons.

As usual, heads turned, jaws drop, dead silence sets upon the horizon of the weight room while I take off my leather jacket, showing off a brand new beater, and  exposing my nineteen inch pythons and continue toward the squat racks to pay my visits to my good ol friend Nobby. As we pay our respects to each other, and our silverback hollers, silence the room so quickly that I expected to hear crickets. 

"Hey Nobby, sup!"
"Hey Mule!"

The sound of the weight clinging, clattering, and the irrelevant rhythm of the chatter between those impudent lesser humans recommenced.

While hoarding all the forty-five pound plates in the gym to begin my curling showdown, I catch this lanky mal nourished teenager staring at me profusely. In complete awe by the fact that he won’t look away, even when I give him the menacing glare. The same one I gave to get the other patrons to yield the 45s I required.

"Yes, I AM using all these plates."

I flare my lats with great rage and gave a furious growl at the sniffer in where again silence sets upon the weight room terror-stricken by the fact that Mule has been enraged. Needless to say, the shattered rawboned kid was hospitalized in a mental health facilty immediately due trauma, reducing him into an impenetrable state of sheer terror.

After wrapping up doing weights, I chug the rest of what was left of my three gallon shake: tuna, milk and the tears of fallen foes, et al.  subsumed into the mix and headed to the cardio room upstairs.

I survey the room to see if there are any cardio bunnies around. Fortunately there was one prime specimen. “Nice tanned skin, blonde hair, big tits and a nice set of legs.”  I said to myself. Safe to say, my hormones were through the roof from my intense workout session and I knew I was getting some pooch today.

I quickly strike a front double bicep pose and immediately she turns in disbelief.  I then snap my fingers in a summons.


She stops the thread mill and runs up to me, without saying one word we walk into the men’s bathroom where I pull down my gym shorts and she proceeds to devour my cock. This broad knows her stuff, an absolute hoover vacuum. She polishes it pretty nicely and finishes gulping down the source.

Lovestruck Cardio Bunny: Come to my place tonight, we will have a lot of fun

Me: (being the alpha male) “Pay for my gas and cook me an Omaha steak and I will think about it.

Cardio Bunny: "O.K."

I release the climatic stubborn broth one last time drenching her face

Cardio Bunny: “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! You freak!!!

But she still gave me her number.  “I will have the prepaid gas card and the steak waiting for you.

My roaring guffaws were heard from a mile away.

Went downstairs, put my leather jacket on, lit a cigar and rode home in my new Harley with an everlasting grin on my face as I ponder which of the half dozen booty call offers I was going to take advantage of tonight….

Monday, January 25, 2016

Musings from Valhalla: Being a GymApe like Mule



Get the fuck out of the squat rack FOOL!

Meatheads catching a glimpse of themselves in the mirror at da gym:

Hood version:

"Ummm Mule, Can I ask you a question about lifting?"

It's a fact: women go ape-shit over us Silverbacks:





"You wanna come back to my Jeep,
Sweet Cheeks, for some One on One PT?"

Sometimes you just have to show another GymApe
 who is BOSS!
A salad?  Give me some fuckin' PROTEIN!