Monday, February 20, 2017

Vignette: Things I am No Longer Permitted To Do

Sometimes it is not even my fault!



Like that time I was cutting the lawn for my Ma, shirtless off course as one naturally does it, and a car full of teenage girls driving by swerved into a tree.  Don't worry there were no casualties, but I did get some phone numbers. Now HOW CAN I BE BLAMED FOR THAT, but my Ma somehow STILL MANAGED TO BLAME ME, and hired a Mexican named Miguel to do it.



Or that time when my asked me to trim her hedges and apparently "crew cut" was not what she had in mind.  Who knew?  Alright, that was kinda sorta a little bit my fault.  Again hedge work is now the domain of Miguel.



I now am obliged to wear a towel around my waist at all times when I'm going to the whirlpool at the the Country Club after I pretend to play Golf with my boss and clients cuz apparently rich old people are scared and/or envious of my big cock. Granted some of them likely had weak hearts and probably couldn't cope with the erections lasting more than 4 hours they would have suffered if they espied me unsheathed.






I lifted my shirt up at the gym once to wipe the sweat off my face and apparently my sculpted six pack abs distracted this lady so much that she fell off the treadmill... I kid you not. So not allowed to do that either because of "liability" or some such bogus shit.





Sometimes it is DEFINITELY my fault!

I am no longer allowed to work at the Boulder office by my lonesome. I have to either work from home or go to the Denver office when my boss and the office manager are both going to be away. See they send one of those VERY cute secretaries from the Denver office when they are going to be away. The one time they made that mistake of doing that when I was there alone, and I had to watch one of them hour long videos from HR. The office manager also let it be known they don’t want to risk the firm getting sued, nor the expense of having the office steam cleaned and de-loused before they could use it again. While I will concede the likely need for steam cleaning, I thought the de-lousing comment was totally unfair. Also learned (for future reference) that fucking the HR representative while watching a sexual harassment video is apparently not being ON MISSION. Live and learn, am I right?


So that one was DEFINITEY my fault.

I am not allowed to go to KFC any more.  They say this is a free country, but apparently one is not free to speak one's mind... if your mind is like MINE! Damn political correctness.  Make America Mule-friendly Again.   Damn you KFC and your lifetime ban! Yeah this one was DEFINITELY my fault. Hey I prefer Popeye's any way!





No more KFC for you Mule!




I am no longer allowed to play golf at the club with the Boss and various sports legends. I can join them afterwards for lunch, as long as I mind my table manners, but I have been exiled from the green after only one game because of being "too intense". You see the Mule likes the idea of long drives, sending those pesky little dimpled balls flying into the stratosphere to land near one of those little golf pennants  (or 'tall markers' as the boss calls them), it doesn't really matter which flag the ball ends up next to, or at least that is what I always assumed.  I screamed "Fore" so everything is covered no matter where my ball lands, right?  But 'putting' out there on a huge expanse of green, well that just seems like pussy-golf to me. If I am just going to just 'tap' the sucker, might as well be playing miniature golf with a sloot on each arm, am I right?  Anyway while the Boss and the Legends are slurping gin and tonics, and staggering drunkenly on and off those little faggy electric golf vehicles, I am at the clubhouse flirting with the cute bartender. So I guess this one counts as SORT OF MY FAULT.








So while Boulder celebrates its Graffiti artists when they use SPRAY PAINT, when someone tries to do SNOW TAGGING using NATURAL and SUSTAINABLE amber liquids, suddenly it is all a violation of city ordinances and standards of decency! There is no pleasing these tree huggers!

Celebrated by the Boulder Arts Council


While this precious work of graffiti is considered a
violation of the municipal code*


*No person shall urinate or defecate while on the mall, in any city park within the city limits, on any property zoned for residential uses without the express permission of the owner, or within any portion of the city zoned for business, industrial, or public uses, unless such voiding is made into a receptacle that has been provided for that purpose that stores or disposes of the wastes in a sanitary manner and that is enclosed from the view of the general public.- Boulder Municipal Code  Title 5: 6-7

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

MUSINGS FROM VALHALLA: VALENTINE'S DAY INTERLUDE:










While you are all impatiently waiting for the next story to drop...




I thought I would expound on the topic of the day...





Cupid for the AFCs


My cupid is a gym homie, shoots the chicas, MISSES me!







 IT IS FEBRUARY 14TH AND A LOT OF YOU PREVERTS ARE DREAMING OF THIS:





PEOPLE ASK ME:


NOPE!!! JUST WANT PUSSY!!!



THANK ME LATER!!!!



Valentine's Day for me is about TIME MANAGEMENT.  I had to take off work, 18 hours of sloot management...JUST TODAY.  Six dates, three lunches at Olive Garden, and then I have to juggle three dinner reservations at the Outback  ALL to keep the REGULARS in ....ummm... A RECEPTIVE mood!







So while most AFC are laying out the bribes: of candy, flowers, jewelry, etc. in the forlorn hope of scoring with one chick....


Disappointed AFC



I, through skill and planning will be sampling a buffet of SIX different pussies, plus tomorrow it will be the turn of the SIDE CHICKS.




IT IS GOOD TO BE THE MULE!




This Musing represents our:



Friday, February 10, 2017

Amusings from Valhalla: Mulish humor




THERE IS A FLAG ON THE PLAY AND THE REF (Edit-brah) HAS CALLED IT, AS IT IS FRIDAY!








The story promised for this week, is not yet finished, so we are going to try out a NEW feature post type on the blog to tide you over!

                                         AMUSINGS FROM VALHALLA!






FEEL LIKE A WOMAN


On a recent flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, " she wails. 

Then she yells:
"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable ! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN ? "


For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Colorado stands up in the rear of the plane.


He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ...... one button at a time.


...... No one moves.

......He removes his shirt.


...... Muscles ripple across his chest.

......She gasps ......

......He whispers :

" Iron this, and make me a sammitch ......"












AUSTRALIAN VIRGIN

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.


She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.


After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married.

On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."


He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"









MAMMAS GOT TO BE MAMMAS


Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."


The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."


The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays, Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote :



"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."


"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."


"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."









BLONDES BEING BLONDE

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.


"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman," I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.


Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.












IN OLDEN TIMES: (PRE-MULE)

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy .........

......... you just hoped nobody ever found out !!

or so my Ganny told me....










RAPID FIRE ROUND-WHORRIBLE JOKES*: 


Q: What do you call kids born in whorehouses?

A: Brothel sprouts.

  Q: What do you get when you cross a whore with a systems engineer? 
A: A fuckin' know-it-all! 

 Q: What do you call a Norwegian prostitute?
 A: A Fjord Escort. 

Q: What do you call a promiscuous pony? 
A: A Little Whorese 

Q: What do you call an Italian hooker? 
A: A pastatute. 

Q: Who makes more money a drug dealer or a whore?
 A: A hooker because she can wash her crack and reuse it.

 Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute? 
A: Keep the tip

 Q: What do you call a Serbian whore? 
A: Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch  

Q: What's the difference between an epileptic oyster fisherman, and a whore with diarrhea? 
A: Well, one shucks between fits. 

Q: What kind of cereal makes a prostitute happy? 
A: Cheery-Hos

Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
 A:  A whore will fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party EXCEPT you. 

 Q: What do you call a group of whores on roller skates?
 A: A mobile sperm bank. 

Q: What do you call a whore with her hand down her panties?
A: Self Employed! 

Q: What did one broke hooker ask the other? 
A: Lend me $10 till I'm on my back again. 

Q: If a new whore uses Vaseline, what does an old whore use?
A: An old whore uses Poligrip! 



I HOPE YOU HAD FUN...






...BUT THAT'S ALL FOLKS