Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Vignette: Grocery Store

So I go to the grocery store to buy tuna for my tuna break.  I eat a can of tuna every weekday morning at 10 AM, no exceptions.

There wasn't any of these in sight when I walked in....

But I got  huge solid forearms like Popeye so I figure I will just hug that chit to the counter like a real man, not pushing a cart like a pussy. So I go around the store to find the tuna basket-less and it kinda feels like this:

Chicken of the Sea (strange name for tuna) is on sale so I decide to buy 40 cans. I had them all stacked on one of those cardboard trays and somehow one dislodged and brought the entire mountain crashing down. Dropped 40 cans of tuna all over the floor for this reason.

Was so f'kn embarrassed. Some nice old lady helped me pick them all up and stack them all up again and as I was hobbling to the checkout, one or two kept falling every few seconds so she just followed me picking them up until I reached the check out LMAO.

I smashed her afterwards as a thank you.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Vignette: I Swear I'm Never Going to the Gym at Rushhour Again

Not my kind of gym monkey can be found at this time of day!

I swear I'm never going to gym at rushhour (5-8 p.m.) again!

I was NOT feeling this scene!

It's just the right mix of teens/bros/and casuals to make things tense and dangerous!

It never fucking fails man....I have to remember either go early or go late to avoid these simians!

As part of my routine I  start doing OHP  (Overhead Press)

I naturally want to superset the barbell with dumbbells

Of COURSE some phaggot is using one of the 50's to do goblet squats.....

so I go grab some 60's

Just trying to do my thing, ignoring the riffraff!

I come back to some kunt taking weights off the bar (keep in mind my bag is right there and THERE IS ANOTHER RACK OPEN)

Dude is a Meat Head  roid-popping  Trump-voter dressed in some tacti-cool camo weight vest,  I guess phaggots got tired of the Mortal Kombat masks and now this is a thing, role playing Rahowa.

Yeah, sorry I'm using that

I'm like: "Yeah, sorry I'm using that."

Dumbass:  "Oh yeah, I just wanted to move this (points to MY bar) over there (points to other rack) so I could do lunges here."

I'm USING that!

Me:  "I'm using that."

Dumbass: "Yeah, yeah" *speaks slowly like I am retarded* "I'm just moving it over here so I can do lunges."

I'm just moving it over here so I can do lunges

Me: (Thinking: Oh this might go so bad,so fast) *speaking very firmly and authoritatively* "I'm USING it."

*very firmly* I'm USING IT

This might go bad fast, real fast...

Dumbass: *pause* (I could tell he was deciding whether to make it go bad, too) "Ya-ya ok, fine" (while his demeanor said "you big baby")

His demeanor said: "You big baby."

I literally don't talk or make eye contact with anyone in the gym, and I still end up in these dick measuring contests.

Does this facial expression say:
  I want to Chat? 

Does this facial expression say: I WANT TO CHAT WITH A BETA PHAGGOT LIKE YOU?  or does it say: FUCK OFF!


Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Bikers vs. Truckers: The Battle for the Ragin' Hog BBQ

This story was given an average rating of 4.4 Mules out of 5 by Blog Readers!

Bikers vs. Truckers: The Battle for the Ragin' Hog BBQ:
Story and Edits by Mule and Stefan, Original art by Steve

Ragin' Hog BBQ was one of the most prized barbecue joints for Bikers and Truckers alike, being right off Interstate 70 at exit 271B.

It was an unpretentious place serving good old fashioned southern style barbecue with sandwich, two meat, three meat and rack of ribs combos served with two sides and a drink, enough to satisfy a man with a healthy appetite. They had five delicious homemade sauces to choose from: Carolina, Georgia, Memphis, Sweet, and Hot!

 Oh and they had a buttermilk pie like Ganny's cook LuLu Belle  used to make. For a couple of years now, both Bikers and Truckers as well as crusty old-timers and younger civilians with rugrats had enjoyed the vittles in peace and harmony. 

However the situation was combustible whenever Bikers and Truckers were both there in numbers, and all it required was a spark.  A muscular biker bumped into behemoth of a Trucker and sweet tea was spilled and sparks and punches flew...

Colleen came out from back and in her Arkansas drawl told 'em to take it outside.  "I see you fighting in here again and you will be banned from brisket".  Saturday  brisket there was a divine savory blessing that melted in the mouth, and was always sold out in less than two hours, nobody wanted to be banished from that, so both the bikers and truckers made their way outside to settle things most bringing their vittles which were too sumptuous to waste.  "Your best guy against our best fall and anything goes...and we will see who gets dibs on this joint!" drawled one graying Trucker named Bob. Given that most of the Biker crew (like the Trucker crew) had food to finish most were amenable to the suggestion being happy to spectate.

The bikers selected  their biggest, most muscular feller, and the truckers selected their biggest dude, a tall jacked dude sporting a camo MAGA hat that the other truckers just called SIR or BIG GUY.  None of them knew his actual name was EUGENE, and the big Trucker aimed to KEEP IT THAT WAY.  The fight promised to be CLASH OF THE TITANS level epic.
, The Biker and the Trucker were both over  6’4” and both over 275 lbs. of lean muscle. The Biker took his time stretching out, his muscles popping out of his t-shirt which was strained to its tensile limits. The dude had the build of a bodybuilder. Both musclemen had fought more than their share of big, strong guys and knew how to take big tough dudes down. The crowd is going nuts at the sight of all this muscle in the same place preparing to face off. Money starts coming out as the audience made their predictions and wagers on the outcome.

In an attempt  to put the fear of God into The Trucker, The Biker pulled into a “most muscular” pose and the place went bonkers over his muscular build and razor sharp definition. But suddenly he heard the guys utter this long, “OOOOOOOOHH”. The Biker turned and the big Trucker  was cranking out a double biceps shot of his own that was incredible. The Trucker's arms were as big as The Biker's and his chest was freaking huge! The Trucker’s  pecs stood out like a shelf and his lats looked thick and powerful. While The Biker's abs have a deep cut, washboard look, The Trucker's abs looked like carved blocks of granite.

Not to lose the crowd the Biker locked in his  own double-biceps showing off the muscular power of his yard wide back. While not as huge as the Trucker hulk before him, his superior definition got the attention of the audience.   But enough for the warm-up, both titans thought as one,  It was time for the real show.

The two raised their fists and hunched in fight crouches as they circled one another looking for an opening as the spectators cheered and catcalled.  The Biker slowly moved forward with his fists up as he began to dance around and loosen up. With his head tucked down and eyes up the thickly muscled  Trucker took on the look of a dangerous fighter, his form  resembled that of an Army tank made out of solid muscle. 

The fight skilled Biker moved around his huge target, taking his time and making sure the avoided the big arms and fists of the older giant Trucker.

The brawny Trucker threw the first punch. The mighty Trucker unloaded one of his massive guns The Biker's  way.  The younger athletic Biker  easily ducked under the Trucker's anvil sized  fist and delivered a solid right to the Biker's  side. The punch didn't do any  damage but The Trucker surprised the Biker  with an elbow to the  chest. The Biker  didn’t think the big man could move that fast. Before the Trucker could follow up  the Biker  delivered a solid kick to the Trucker's  block-wall abs only to discover that those muscles were even harder and stronger than they looked, and that was considerable.

Unhurt and with both enormous fists loaded for bear. the muscle machine Trucker closed in again. It was early in the fight, but the Biker wanted to make sure the big bodybuilder knew enough to stay away from him; so as he came in he caught The Trucker with a solid right upside the head. As the big lug leaned back to deprive the Viking biker of a target, the blond slammed a hard left jab to the center of the muscleman’s face.   Only glancing but powerful enough to almost knock The Trucker  off his feet. As The Trucker peddled back out of range, his guard up, the big man peered between his readied fists the  colossal  Trucker’s brown eyes began to twinkle as he began to smile. 

As he moved forward, the muscleman Trucker spoke for the first time, “Nice punch, Hot Shot. I’ve got some surprises for you too! Have your fun while you can, because I’m going to beat your muscle-bound pretty-boy body until you can’t even breathe! They are going to have to carry what little is left of you out of here, I hope to hell you’ve got a ride!”

There was no doubt that this muscular stud could really hurt a man, but The Biker  didn’t intend to give him a chance to fulfill his dreams. The Biker moved into range again.  He had  shown The Trucker he could hurt him, and now The Biker  just needed to show him how much!

Once again the powerful Trucker unloaded with his massive right fist, his muscular body twisted toward the blond. The Biker had more than enough time to duck under the oncoming big arm, but The Trucker was far more agile than The Biker expected a big man to be and the big stud delivered a full-force toaster-sized left fist between the Biker's legs!  The Trucker buried his fist into The Biker's amble crotch.  "AUGHHHHHGHHH!!!!" The Biker screamed.  The Trucker had hurt the Biker good!

Shit! The Biker heard his own scream  as his hands dropped instinctively to protect what had already been nearly destroyed! The Biker's knees buckled while the Trucker muscleman delivered an equally devastating right uppercut that stood The Biker back up. 

The Biker staggered around, glassy eyed, hands down clutching his balls and almost out on his feet.

 The audience let out a cheer.  While the Biker half of the audience was pulling for their man, the blood-thirsty crowd appreciated a good ass kicking, even when it was being delivered to one of their own. 

“You don’t fight worth SHIT fuck boy! Some big tough fighter you are! You show up flexing your pretty-boy muscles and think you’re a hard ass tough man? Well, now we know just how fucking tough you ARE!”” The Trucker  scoffed.  The crowd went absolutely ballistic as the mountainous  Trucker punctuated his boast by flexing his rock hard muscled arms, chest and abs! 

The Biker was barely aware of his surroundings as The Trucker grabbed the Biker's head with one massive hand and gripped his aching crotch with the other. The mighty he-man closed his fist crushing the blond muscleman's aching nuts as he began to almost effortless lift the Biker's 290 lbs physique.  A match ending spine splintering over the knee back breaker or a earth shaking body slam was a split second away.  

The Biker knew he had to get back into the fight now!  The Biker slung his hard knee driven by his 32" bodybuilder quad up and  into the pit of the Trucker's gut, knocking the air and spit out of him and doubling him over.  As The Trucker doubled over, The Biker drew his left arm back as far as he could and drove a real haymaker into The Trucker's right jaw just under his ear.

The punch staggered The Trucker and he retreated a couple steps. The Biker drew back his right as far as he could and plowed his
knuckles into the Trucker's  forehead right above his eyebrow. But The Biker  was too weakened  to follow up with much else right then.  The Biker bent over slightly, putting his hands on his knees to rest for a moment while The Trucker also tried to recoup for a moment, both mountains of muscle's chest and abs were heaving to  suck in short, raspy breaths of much need oxygen.

One of the muscled bare-chested guys watching the fight with hard cocks was holding a bottle of Jack Daniels at his side.  The guy who had carried along the bottle of Jack walked out to the middle of the clearing, yelled "Hey, how 'bout a shot," .  

Both powerhouses straightened up.  The spectator  handed the bottle of Jack Daniels to The Trucker, who uncapped it, upended it, and sucked in a long gulp of the bourbon.  He lowered the bottle, grimaced a bit, and handed it to The Biker.   The Biker did the same, letting a mouthful of the dark liquid pour down his throat, burning as it did. The Biker  capped the bottle and handed it back to its owner.  And then, without a word, both men raised their  fists and met toe-to-toe again in the middle of the clearing.

Again the big bruisers  sparred for a few moments, until The Trucker decided to charge again, head lowered, swinging lefts and rights.  As The Trucker  neared The Biker sidestepped, turned, and hammered a hard right into The Trucker's  kidney.  The shot stopped the muscled bull  in this tracks and made him howl and arch his back in pain.  

The Biker grabbed The Trucker's  left arm and twisted it up his back in a hammerlock, wrenching his hand up between his shoulder blades.  With his hand thus immobilized and out of his way, The Biker continued throwing hard rights into The Trucker's kidney, three or four more of them, each one of them knocking a loud, low grunt out of huge Trucker.

Locking The Trucker's  left wrist in his left hand and keeping the hammerlock in place, The Biker slipped under his right arm and came up in front of The Trucker.  He threw his right arm around The Trucker's  waist and added a bearhug to the hammerlock, jerked The Trucker's giant  frame hard in against his chest, and dug his arms in under The Trucker's  ribcage, directly into the area he'd just softened  up with the kidney punches. The Trucker  howled with the pain as The Biker clamped the bearhug on tighter and tighter, their big chests crushed together, their  bulging crotches slamming together each time he jerked on the bearhug.  The Biker could feel The Trucker weakening as he was crushed in the  mighty bearhug.

With the hammerlock still secure, The Biker held The Trucker clamped tight in against him began to throw hard right uppercuts into the pit of The Trucker's gut.  With the Trucker's  left arm immobilized behind him and his right hanging useless over his shoulder, there was no defense against the many punches The Biker sank into The Trucker's iron hard abs.  

Every time The Biker  slammed his fist into that granite hard gut, The Trucker's  face contorted in pain and spit flew out the corners of his mouth as he  hissed and grunted.  After the ninth or tenth sledge hammer punch to the concrete hard gut, The Trucker's  knees started to weaken, and before long, after just a few more hard-driven fists the armor plated abs gave way, and The Biker was  was literally holding The Trucker  up to hit him again.  Finally, instead of throwing another punch into The Trucker's gut, The Biker jerked The Trucker  toward him and slammed the top of his rock hard 32" thigh into the gargantuan Trucker's over-sized  crotch, mashing The Trucker's immense cock and balls into his groin, doubling The Trucker over at the waist.  When The Trucker bent, The Biker let go of the hammerlock, doubled his fists together, raised his arms high above his head, and hammered both fists down into the back of the Trucker's 22" neck.   The Trucker crashed dick down into the dirt.

The Biker  reached down to grab The Trucker's  head and hoist him to his feet, but as he did, The Trucker  panted at him, "All right, fucker!  That's enough.  I've had it!"

The next thing heard were the hoots and yells and clapping of the dudes who had surrounded them as they fought. 

The fight began with a vicious exchange of punches

It was a  brutal exchange rock  'em, sock 'em blows
in a ruthless bare knuckle brawl

Their huge muscles backed each blow, rippling and flexing
 with the effort, the sinews like cords of twisted rebar!

Clint Eastwood's Philo Beddoe would have approved!

Each staggered back from the impact of the other's blows,
 taking punches that would have felled lesser men

The titans exchange blow after punishing blow as the
 spectators hooted and hollered

The Trucker unleashed a brutal onslaught of  combination
 punches he was sure would finish the Biker

The Biker simply gave a bloody smile and proceeded to pay
 him back, punch for punch with his own pulverizing
 punch combinations.

The Trucker took blow after punishing blow,
staggering back with each impact, only to sneer:
Have your fun while you can, because I’m going to beat your
muscle-bound pretty-boy body until you can’t even breathe!

The Trucker began to soften up the cobbled stone perfection
 of the Viking Biker's abs

Then he began to lay siege to the blond biker's
 handsome head

Then back to pulverizing the blond's abdominals...
surely the Biker couldn't take much more this punishment!

Not only did he take it, but the Biker soon regained
 the initiative!

One order of knuckle sandwich for ya' coming up Trucker dude!

The fight got mean and dirty...

With opponents so evenly matched, every trick of the street
 brawl was employed without mercy!

Trucker gets the Biker in a headlock, but with a burst of
energy, the Biker breaks free!

Trucker unleashes some Donkey Kong blows before
 the Biker can turn to face him

Biker staggers from the sledgehammer blows

The Trucker is unrelenting in his punishment...but the Biker
 withstands the assault and turns to face his opponent

Suddenly the Trucker finds himself  on the defensive

Then the fight shifts back once more and it is Biker again
 recoiling from the Trucker's assault!

Trucker attempts  to put the Biker into a hammerlock

The Blond Viking breaks free of the hold!
Trucker grabs Biker in a vise-like bearhug,
but the Viking breaks free.

Trucker goes for a chokehold, but the Biker eludes
 the trap with flexed and flared trapezius muscles

Still Trucker gets in a solid left jab sending Biker's head
recoiling like a bobble-head doll

The initiative again shifts toward the Biker who reigns
 down devastating blows on the Trucker

The Biker gets the Trucker in a head lock and smashes his
sledgehammer into the Trucker's face like a chef
 tenderizing meat

The fight has shifted inexorably to the Biker who unleashes a
 major can of whoop ass on the Trucker until he submits

Good fight...You licked me, gotta give you me up?

Sure, I don't hold grudges, ESPECIALLY when I win!

I will even treat you to one last meal here
before we kick you and the truckers out for good!

I sure will miss this place Biker man!

Dayum I haven't been licked in a long, long time... 
You know Biker,
 I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship...



Atlas the Biker vs. Tyrone

For those of you who want even more stories featuring our victorious Biker, check out this new book:


 Mule v. Trucker 

Trucker v. Muscle-cop