Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Amusings from Valhalla: If WW2 was a Bar Fight

If World War 2 Was A Bar Fight*: 

(If History was explained like this in school, I would have appreciated it more! )

* Pilfered from the Internets

Still sore from the night before, Germany has had one too many pints. It is sucking up to Russia, deciding it doesn’t want to pay for the drinks that France insists it owes. They then drunkenly shout out that Austria is its brother, man, and Italy is their long time best friend.

Sauced now and belligerent, Germany is glaring angrily about the bar. Italy is already marching around, challenging everyone to step outside.

America had left the bar some time ago and no one was sure where it’d gone.

With nothing better to do, Germany challenges Soviet Russia to an arm wrestling match at the Spanish table, while

Japan was in the back room whacking China with a pool cue.

Arm wrestling over, Germany goes to the bar again and orders another pint and one for Austria. Glancing over to Czechoslovakia, Germany says, “Hey, nice shirt. I want it.

Before Czechoslovakia can jump from the bar stool and take a swing, Britain walks over and stands between the two, saying, “Can’t we just get along? Come on, now, Czechoslovakia, just the shirt, that’s all.

Humiliated, Czechoslovakia hands over the shirt and Britain walks back to the corner table with France saying, “See? Peace in our time.

At the other end of the pub, Italy has finally found someone to fight: it kicks Ethiopia in the crotch as they walk in. Germany raises their pint glass in salute to Italy.

Then they look at Russia who’s wandered back in after checking on Japan in the back room and both look over at Poland who’s been sitting by themselves at a small table…. right next to Germany. England and France stare at Germany and England wags their finger at Germany. Germany gives them an “aw shucks” grin and then turns and knocks Poland’s beer off the table.

Poland stands up to confront Germany beckoning for England and France to come over and help. 

Russia then taps Poland on the shoulder and when they turn around Germany grabs the chair and smashes it over Poland’s head. Russia then rushes in and begins kicking Poland repeatedly as they lay writhing on the floor.

Germany turns to England and France and makes a “come on then” gesture, but England and France slink back to their table and continue to utter threats in low voices. Denmark, Norway, Holland, and Belgium who popped in for a quick one after work all look worried and finish their drinks in a hurry and yell for the bill.

Finland who’s been sitting in a corner quietly notices Russia is distracted going through the unconscious Poland’s pockets, and quickly sneaks up behind them and smashes a vodka bottle over their head.

Russia gets up, shakes their head, grabs Finland by one arm and tosses them against the wall, knocking them completely out. Russia then goes back to their table in the far corner and sits down to sulk. Japan notices this and slinks out back to see if China has woken up yet.

England grabs the phone and calls Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and India and tells them to get down here right quick, and oh, could one of them pop around to the United States and tell them to grab their baseball bat and come over.

Then England walks over and stands by France confronting Germany, Italy, and their mates now standing in the middle of the room.

Everyone else quickly pays their bill and heads for the door.

Germany crosses the room, rolls up its sleeves, and with four punches knocks Denmark, Norway, Holland and Belgium out cold. Germany then grabs all their wallets and tosses them on a table to sort through later.

France is upset that its little cousin Belgium has been taken out and rushes to get at Germany. Italy has finally finished going through Ethiopia’s pockets, sees France on the move, sticks out its leg and trips them. When France gets up Germany picks up an entire table and smashes it over their head. France is knocked out for several hours and when they finally wake up they’re slightly schizophrenic and crawl off into a corner to argue with themselves.

Outnumbered and alone, England barricades itself behind the bar and begins tossing empty pint glasses at Germany, hoping the kids show up soon.

Germany and Italy begin sorting out the other tables and strut around the bar. In a corner booth Bulgaria, Hungary and Romania seeing what just happened, stand up and declare that Germany and Italy are their new best mates and buy them a round.

Across the street the United States is getting concerned about all the noise and broken windows and wants to go over and take a look, but the missus tells them to sit down and finish their dinner.

Shortly after dinner, United States hears a noise in the backyard and investigates just in time to see Japan smashing its tiki-themed patio set in retaliation for suggesting they had too much to drink. United States is very upset at this and heads down to the bar. Japan also eggs The Netherlands’ house and moons Australia as it heads back to pick on China some more.

Italy, while the Germans have their backs turned, decides to pick a fight with the Balkans Football Club which has been sitting in the corner. The BFC is a lot tougher then they look and offers Italy a few good smacks to the face. Italy quickly runs behind Germany and peeks out from behind their legs. Germany turns around with a “WTF!

After sorting out the BFC with some help from its new bestest bud Romania and Hungary, Germany looks around the shambles of the room. England is yelling threats at them from behind the bar and Canada is behind them passing a fresh supply of empty bottles to toss.

Then another cry for help from Italy – they’ve decided to rifle the pockets of Egypt who passed out earlier in the children’s sandbox in the corner, but England sicked Australia, New Zealand and South Africa on them and they’re all smacking Italy about the kneecaps. Germany sighs and wonders where it can get some better allies.

As Germany makes its way to the sandbox, it makes eye contact with a stretching, knuckle cracking Japan, who gives a knowing nod. Japan puffs its chest and makes its way through the ocean of spilled beer to the United States, who’s standing there flat-footed, laughing hysterically, one hand slapping its knee. But USA looks up just in time to see Japan mid-swing with a big section of broken table. The United States reels backwards into Germany, which is not amused and promises to get the United States once it’s taken care of the sandbox.

Japan, in the meantime, turns around and wails on poor Netherlands, cowering on the floor.

The Philippines meanwhile walks out the door, vowing to return.

At the end of the bar, India, trying hard to mind its own business gets splashed with beer and starts to get up.

After dealing with the sandbox, Germany walks over to Russia hand outstretched in greeting. Russia takes it and get rewarded with Germany’s boot to the groin, and Finland, Hungary, Italy and Romania all pile on. Bloodied and dazed Russia backs off into the storeroom.

To distract Germany, England whispers something to Canada, who sneaks across the room and tries to smash a beer bottle on Germany’s head. The bottle fails to break and Germany turns around, grins and punches Canada in the nose. Holding their bloody nose Canada retreats, but keeps a supply of empty pint glasses flowing to Britain.

Australia and New Zealand get an urgent call from their wives to come home because Japan is lurking in the garden, and they dash out. South Africa still pissed at England for making them take on both Italy and Germany and continues to sulk in the kid’s sandbox.

Germany goes looking for Russia in the storeroom to punch it some more, and notices the attractive walk-in freezer with hanging loops of sausage and schnitzel, not realizing Russia is hiding inside waiting with a frozen haunch of ham….. With Germany otherwise occupied, Britain kicks sand in Italy’s face.

With things getting a bit too quiet in the main bar, Britain and Canada start throwing pickled eggs at Germany’s back.

Germany and Russia, encouraged by their new buddies Romania, Croatia, Slovenia, Hungary, Finland and Ukraine, have started a serious game of Russian Roulette in the freezer, so Germany fails to hear Italy’s pitiful screams for help.

Italy, having decided that beating up on Ethiopia was training enough to punch at their own weight level, decided to take on Britain, but runs away after getting sodomized by their giant British boot.

Meanwhile, our friendly bartender Switzerland is still sitting there, watching this all unfold, dishtowel in one hand, drink in the other, ducking the occasional flying bottle/chair leg/billiard ball. Our other friendly bartender Sweden is still sitting there, watching, order pad in one hand, weapons licenses for sale in the other, and selling brass knuckles to both sides.

The United States, Canada and England now working together, pile drive Italy and knock them unconscious. Then, South Africa, New Zealand and Poland (who left to get a new set of trousers and just got back) all join together and rain blows and kicks and elbows on Germany until it can’t help but beg for mercy. Even Brazil from down the street jumps in as does France who appears to be fine again.

Italy and Germany decide that enough’s enough and cry for surrender, with the bar now completely and utterly ruined.

Japan is still poking the United States in the back. With a little help from some engineers patronizing the bar, the United States heaves the piano over the second floor railing and it lands with deafening noise squarely on Japan’s head. From underneath, a tiny white flag rises from rubble.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Torn Between Lust and Faith Part Three: Water Sports

Story by Mule, Original Art by Steve, Edits by Stefan

Father Olliver:

A mysterious new priest, Father Olliver, arrives at the retreat center.  Although friendly, he is not very forthcoming concerning his background or past, which is not uncommon for many new arrivals to the treatment center.

Whatever his story, his bulging muscles were
 of considerable interest among the ranks
 of the horny priests!

Father Olliver, or Olli as he was called, tended to engage in mostly solitary activities, his favorite being cross country biking in the beautiful woods surrounding the isolated treatment center retreat.

Olli definitely filled out
his biking gear!

His lycra shirt and shorts sent pulses racing!

The bulges of his muscles rivaled those of Torn, Gary and
 Brian, the BEASTLY TRIAD of the center!

Not unnoticed when Father Olli arrived, was the briefcase that he was carrying and kept carefully locked in his room.  It was generally assumed it was probably Olli's personal porn stash, that he would relinquish if treatment was successful.   The truth was quite different.  Unknown to the Monsignor or any of the other priest, guests or staff,  Father Olli had been sent by the Archbishop to check out some disturbing rumors that had reached him, concerning activities at the Sexual Addiction Center.   Father Olliver was in truth a Sexorcist, one of a secretive handful of holy men authorized by the Church to perform the Holy Rite of Sexorcism.   It is their mission to  drive out the evil spirits that abet the immoral  sex acts by leaders and members of the  Church and rout out past acts and cover-ups. Sexorcists adhere to the ancient  ideology that a demon or evil entity can be removed from the body through a ritual of various acts of rough sex. By this theory after one has been possessed by a sex demon, they are only able to extract the demon by literally getting it "fucked" out of them!

The tools of the trade, of a sexorcist, kept locked away
in his case, were specially blessed unguents and oils,
 as well as various unusual instruments and vestments,
 not normally associated with the accoutrement
 of priests.

An Innocent Game of Monkey in the Middle:

Gary and Torn are in the pool, being joined by Brian and watched by two priestly hunks, new to the center, one of them being the mouth watering Father Olliver and the other being Father Luke.  Like all Norwegians, Torn swims without a suit, which is no problem in the all male environment of the seminary.   Torn doesn't care who sees him naked,  he's jacked, tanned and has a huge penis.

Gary and Torn  start messing about with a volleyball in a game of Keep Away, also called Monkey in the Middle. They are watched by the other priestly musclemen. Things get a bit rough and Gary spots an opportunity to goad Torn into another tussle - this time  a game of one-on-one for stakes. Loser gets fucked, to which Torn quickly agrees.  Gary has to think that getting fucked by Torn's porn sized python would not be fun. Just like it won't be fun for Torn getting fucked by Gary's equally porn sized cock.

Gary challenges Torn to take the ball off him and Torn goes on the offensive, at one point going dirty and  gouging Gary’s eye under water. But Gary fights back and eventually overpowers Torn, holding his head under water between his mighty thighs.

Who wins?  Just keep reading.  
Here's the tale....

You up for a game of water polo?  We each could be captains...
if you think you are MAN enough!

Tough to  recruit two teams from what is around,
 although those two look like likely candidates...

"I don't know if we could get enough players for two teams...not many people are the pool is pretty narrow!" --noted Torn

"What about an aquatic game of SMEAR THE QUEER," suggested Brian. When Torn face showed confusion, Brian explained the rules.  "We have games like that." remarked Torn.

Gary interjected:  "Really not enough room to play that in this pool, we could always play an aquatic form of KEEP AWAY!"

Trash Talking:

Brian and I play catch, and you try and intercept, if you are
successful, whoever threw the ball becomes the new

Hey monkey, monkey!!!

I will make you the middle monkey soon, Gary, just like I will
make you my butt monkey!

He zinged you there, Gary!

Talk is cheap, the proof is in the action!

Play gets a little rough and Gary seizes his chance to goad Torn into a tussle in the water...

Toss it back Brian, don't let the Swedish monkey get his
 paws on it!

But the attention of Brian was riveted on Gary's gleaming
 wet muscles...

Torn's buoyant donger projected out like the dragon prow of a
 Viking Longship

Jump Monkey, Jump!

You can't keep it away from me for long!

Are you sure about that, big guy?

Damn it, he caught it! Fuck!


I got him Gary, time for us to have some FUN!

"I can beat you any time.” Gary boasted.

Torn held out his arms. “So prove it, big guy. Prove you can beat me and this body is all yours.

Water Wrasslin:

You wan't it..l come and get it....but it is going to COST you...

Wrestling for stakes....

"If you want it, come and get it...." Gary stated as he kept the ball away from Torn. "But it is going to cost you!"

"What kind of stakes are we talking here, Gary" --inquired Torn.

"I'm not looking for a pound of flesh, Torn, I am looking for 
some flesh to pound!" --replied Gary with double meaning, and a mischievous smile.

What kind of stakes are we talking here, Gary!

I'm not looking for a pound of flesh, Torn, I am looking for
some flesh to pound!

Standing in the water up to their waists, the two bodybuilder 
Clerics circled each other warily

The tall, muscular blonde Viking glared at the beefy Gary

The two Titans stand off at the center of the pool

They continued to circle, each getting the measure of the other

Torn The Viking sees his chance and attacks...

There was a heavy silence as the tall, muscular blonde glared at Gary. The challenge was one his pride would not let him refuse. He moved away from the side of the pool and the two men stared at each other in the middle of the pool.

Standing in the water up to their waists, the two bodybuilders circled each other warily. Nearly the same height, weight and sinewy build, they matched each other in looks and strength. They had been competitive in the past, but now each one out to prove he was the better man.

They continued to circle, each getting the measure of the other. Then suddenly Torn made his move. With a bull-like roar he pushed hard off the bottom with his powerful legs, propelling himself forward like a missile launched from a submarine and clamping his arms viciously round Gary’s waist, lifting him partially out the pool in a brutal bear hug. Gary howled as he hung helplessly, feeling the powerful arms tighten round him. His naked torso flexed and his arms flailed as he tried to twist free, but Torn’s hands were locked solidly behind him.

The pain in Gary’s back was excruciating as he felt Torn's powerful arms crushing him mercilessly. Desperately he tried to swing his fist at the handsome Nordic face but Torn was able to duck in time. Gary opened his arms wide and smashed the inside of his forearms against Torn’s face. Torn growled in pain and released Gary's muscular body and let it fall back into the water.

Both men were already winded, but Gary regained his wits first and threw himself on top of the muscular blond. Their bodies clamped together in a vise and they churned over and over in the water, two musclemen locked in combat. Their gleaming torsos strained and flexed as they grappled and flailed as they tried frantically trying to force the other under the water and gain the advantage. They were in deeper water now and Torn managed to raise his knee and crash it hard into Gary’s huge balls.

The strength went out of him and Torn clamped his hands round Gary’s neck, pushing his head under water. Brian shuddered and held his breath as the seconds went by and the massive stud held the struggling body under the water. Gary couldn’t survive much longer.

Torn, The  Giant Viking, sees his chance and attacks...

Torn clamped his hands round Gary’s neck, pushing his head under water

Olli and Luke watch the two musclemen locked in combat

The gleaming torsos strained and flexed

Powerful Torn held the head of the struggling massive 
stud  under the water.

Having weakened Gary, Torn decides to show off by using his
 mighty muscles to toss Gary around like a rag doll 

Torn continues to use his mighty muscles to toss Gary around..... this is gonna be easier than he thought....

The spectators watch in awe as Torn starts showing off...

Torn continues to use his mighty muscles to toss Gary around.....

Torn makes rag dolling the other muscle man look easy!

Fathers Olliver and Luke are astonished and titillated
 by the display of Torn's brute strength!

Having shown he can manhandle  his opponent  like a light 
weight, Torn moves on to the next phase of his attack 

Torn commences his underwater attack:

Now Torn commences his underwater attack!

(Jaws theme song) duunnn dunnn... duuuunnnn duun...
 duuunnnnnnnn dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun 
dunnnnnnnnnnn dunnnn

The awestruck and horny spectators saw the underwater
'spectral image' of the mighty Torn in the tumult of the pool!

Torn is in a Viking fury!

The two muscle giants came at each other like giant marine
reptiles of the Mesozoic!

Torn knows the ultra beefy Gary is no pushover, so he presses home the advantage by gouging his eye. He figures the temporarily blinded, spluttering Gary and his ass will be his for the taking...

Under water lock-up!

Olli and Luke watch the underwater battle from the pool's edge

Brian Refereeing,  making sure no one drowns...

Torn on this a foreshadowing of things to come?

Torn keeping Gary under....

Torn fights dirty....

Eye Gouge!

Torn starts to lock Gary up.

Torn has an underwater top mount! Gary was temporarily
 blinded by the eye gouge

Torn's powerful legs wrap Gary

Gary feels like he's in the grip of an octopus as mighty legs 
and arms surround him

Enraged by the eye poke, Gary retaliates...

Gary retaliates...

Still partially blinded, an enraged Gary rushed Torn

 The  handsome blond musclestud staggered backward under
 Gary's onslaught 

Torn staggered backward in the water and crashed with a 
hard thud into the side of the pool 

Torn was reeling and Gary was on him in an instant, continuing his assault.

"O.k. you Nordic bitch... playtime is over..." Gary announces...

"How does that feel, buddy?" In a quick series of moves Gary
  stood behind Torn, bringing his mighty arms round Torn's
 massive chest, and locking  his hands behind the thick neck 

The Viking let out a  scream of fear and surprise. The  crowd
 erupted in applause and cheers. "Not... yet!" Gary shouted 
over the roar of his screaming opponent

With a bull-like roar Gary threw himself forward and clamped his arms viciously round Torn’s waist, catching the Viking  in a brutal rear bear  hug.  Torn howled as he hung helplessly, feeling the powerful arms tighten round him.   His naked torso flexed and his arms flailed as he tried to twist free, but Gary’s arm were locked solidly around him. 

Gary snapped his powerful arms around Torn's waist, locking his fists together across his well defined lower abdomen. Torn flexed his rock like abs hard.  With a grunt,  Gary lunged low and lifted his opponent off his feet. Arching backward, he flung Torn directly overhead, flipping the Mighty Viking backwards in a pounding suplex in the water that made the spectators gasp. 

Gary snapped his powerful arms around Torn's waist...
Rear Bear Hug!

With a grunt, Gary squeezed, lifting the stunned Viking up as 
Gary's fists dug viciously into his rock hard lower abs

Gary locked his fists together across Torn's well defined lower abdomen

Gary forces the head of a struggling  Torn under the water...

Torn gasped and  choked, the pain in his wind-pipe agonizing

You yield?  Sorry, is 'blub blub blub' a Swedish expression?

Torn was growing weaker

Gary flexes his enormous quads...

...using his powerful  legs to drive Torn deeper into the pool

Gary has turned it around!

A shocked Olli and Luke cheering for Gary!

Gary's got Torn in a world of trouble!  Olli and Luke didn't
 think anyone could beat the Big Viking...

Gary locked his massive legs around a dazed Torn’s head. The cool water feels so good after the beatings Torn's muscles have absorbed today that at first he fails to recognize that his head was under water. Gary then flexes his enormous quads, using his powerful tree trunk legs to drive Torn deeper into the pool.

Gary locked his massive legs around a dazed Torn’s head

Torn realizes that he has to get away. He MUST get to the surface. Torn fights in blind panic against Gary but Gary's powerful grip gets tighter and tighter as Torn becomes weaker and weaker. Torn can feel his hands break the surface but his head is being held immobilized below the surface. Torn struggles helplessly against Gary's power as he muscles his head down further and further. His feeble brain struggles for ideas to break the hold as his heavily muscled legs flex in vain for freedom. Torn has no counter to this attack.

Gary's massive chest swells as he inhales fresh air. Gary has an unlimited supply of air while Torn have none. Torn is held in a death grip unable to move, unable to signal his defeat or beg his submission. Torn continued to struggle with all his remaining strength as the darkness overtook him.

"Cough! Cough! Sputter" The very sound of his own body struggling for air begins to bring Torn around. He is face up on the surface of the water looking at the powerful form of Brian.

"It's alright, Buddy." Brian says. "You can't win them all." Torn is still coughing and sputtering as he makes his way to the side of the pool, refusing the assistance being offered to him.

The Referee Brian doing his job...Torn was growing weaker,
 nearing unconsciousness 

IT'S OVER!  Referee Brian calls it:  Gary Wins!!!

Torn is finished....

The naked blonde muscleman lay sprawled beaten in the water

The beautiful, naked blonde muscleman lay sprawled beaten in the water. Semi-conscious, his muscles throbbing with pain, Torn fought to regain his senses. Gradually he became aware of small waves lapping at his face. The water helped clear his head.

Torn fought to regain his senses...

...small waves lapping at his face helped clear Torn's head

Torn opened his eyes...

Torn opened his eyes and, though they still stung, he could see blurred images

Torn could see blurred images standing above him...

...including the victorious Gary

The fight has got the other two priestly hunks worked up.....

I can see you are both troubled and excited Father Luke,
have you ever heard of SEXORCISM?

Brian helps and exhausted Gary from the pool...

...while the defeat sinks in to an even more exhausted Torn

Slowly, agonizingly, the bruised and exhausted bodybuilder priest pulls himself from the water, crawling painfully up the side of the pool. His aching muscles flexed and strained in a futile attempt to climb out the pool.

It’s OK, kiddo. It’s over. You won!

Brian helped an equally exhausted Gary from the pool.

... Brian says as he helps the huge muscleman from the water

It’s OK, kiddo. It’s over. You won!” Gary dimly hears Brian say as he helps the huge muscleman from the water.

There’s no denying it...

There’s no denying it. Gary just kicked Torn's ass.

Gary just kicked Torn's ass

Meanwhile Olliver initiates Luke in the rites of SEXORCISM,

Collecting the Trophies:

Gary reminds a dejected Torn that a deal's a deal.....

You can't win them all.

A bet's a bet....

Man, you have one awesome ass, I can't wait to get in it...
I am done with you for now...

... but that beautiful ass of yours is getting fucked tonight! 

Now how do I pivot this turn of events to MY advantage!

Rumors and Whispers:

Gary had his triumph, but Torn had his consolation prizes as well. A number of randy priests were magnetically drawn to provide comfort, sympathy and support to Torn in his moment of vulnerability.  The clique of admiration surrounding Torn from his earlier triumphs had not abated, and his fans still called him by his nickname FATHER THOR.  So Torn is very busy  sampling a veritable buffet of willing priests: Joshua, Timothy,  Luke, Ezekiel, Noah, Lyle and of course Brendan.  Torn has never had so much sex and so much variety in his life as he has in this retreat to cure of him of his sexual addiction.  

Gary was no sloucher either, after Torn he had Brian, Justin, and Jeremiah, plus a few new priests in the rotation  knocking at his door, plus  finally does take a break and a return to celibacy, out of sheer exhaustion. 

Get that sweet ass into bed NOW,Gary--cooed Jeremiah

 When he is approached a few days into his break from sex,  by the stunningly handsome sexorcist Father Olliver, Gary cannot resist the temptation, unaware that Olliver is an agent of the arch-bishop.  Olliver does his  due diligence requires a week of hot, steamy sex with Gary attempting to exorcise the demons of lust from the troubled Gary.  

Gary, have you ever heard of SEXORCISM,
because I think it might just be the tonic for
what ails you!
Despite the oils, unguents, prayers, blindfolds, and various accessories, the demons won, and Father Olliver had totally embraced his lust for Gary rather than freeing Gary. The handsome and virile  "Sexorcist"  has developed a near insatiable appetite for Gary, and his massive fuckpole!

Gary's inner Tebow was thoroughly angry at the pair of them!

Immersion into Aversion: 

The Dean oblivious to what has transpired between Gary and Torn, was told by Father Olliver his true mission, and that he was giving a glowing report to the Arch-bishop, although he said he would be back for some "much needed follow up" particularly to see if his spectacular success with Father Gary holds up.  The Dean now believes he has achieved amazing success with Gary and proceeds to try out his "successful" therapy  next on Torn, followed by Justin, Brian, et al.   The Dean believes after so much failures, he finally has hit on a recipe for success.  "I will finally go from the very WORST sexual addiction treatment center, to among the best!"--he mused


The Saga of Gary and Friends will continue!

Sneak Peak at next installment: