Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Beach Preach Part II Mule Finds Religion

For Part One: Check Out: Mule and the Beach Evangelist 

Gary: Good morning everyone, Peace be with you. I found this sermon by Kelly Benton online that I would like to share with you: Wrestling prepares a person to compete in the game of life. The wrestler is the one athlete that must meet their opponent and do battle completely on their own.

Mule smiled at this: "Now THAT is what I am TALKING about. Preach on brah!" he said aloud accidentally, only realizing he hadn't just thought it, when the cute HBB cardio bunny sitting next to him gave him a shhhhhh. 

 Gary: No one can substitute and time outs are not possible. You have no one to check, screen, and block or assist you in anyway; there is no one to pass the ball to and no one to blame for your mistakes.

Mule scratched his head...."Wasn't he just talking about wrestling, now he is wandering all over the place sports-wise with his metaphors.  Ten yard penalty for illegal use of metaphor!"

 Gary: When you win, you must display quiet pride and modest...

"Yeah, neither Gary, nor I do that shit!" mused Mule.

Gary: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH carry with you throughout your life, BLAH BLAH every trial, test, and tribulation.  

Mule was growing increasingly selective in his listening 

Gary: Wrestling … truly teaches life skills and values. And today I want to share with you how the sport of wrestling can be related to a true relationship with Jesus....

Mule nods off a little and misses a bit.

He must have been snoring because he got elbowed in the ribs by the HBB


Gary: ...God call each of us that have joined the so called “Christian Team” to be living sacrifices. But what does this really mean? Many Christians that have given their lives to Him really have no idea what the true meaning is to “live as a sacrifice”.

Mule was thinking..."Isn't sacrifice a baseball term referring to bunts and flies and shit like that?"

 Gary: A successful wrestler lives their lives as a sacrifice to the sport in order to be the best they can be. Many people that begin the sport of wrestling really have no idea about all the sacrifices they must take in the sport.

"Oh cool we are back to wrestling again, I was just about to zone out, not a big baseball fan!" --Mule thought.

Gary: One of the biggest sacrifices they make is to weigh a certain amount. This takes both sacrifice and commitment in order to achieve a certain weight. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH... No more cake, pie, Mountain Dew, or junk food. All these things do is slow the body up and pack on the pounds. It’s really a huge sacrifice for most.

The talk about snack foods refocused the Mule's attention and also made him hungry.

"I hope he is not asking me to go a month without Mountain Dew, cuz that shit ain't happening." --thought Mule

Gary: The wrestler sacrifices their bodies to extreme sessions of training in practice and out of practice. Running miles upon miles outside of practice time, avoiding the daily temptations of eating un-healthy, reviewing matches and keeping regular hours of rest

Mule nodded off again, only to be revived by another elbow from the HBB who Mule was beginning to dislike immensely despite her hot bod and flawless face.

Gary: The things in the world in which we use to take into our lives are unhealthy for Christian living. It is vitally important for each of us to stay fit and healthy physically but it is also important for us to keep fit spiritually as well. 

"I wonder if he is talking about sex, because it sure sounds like he is talking about  sex, and if he wants me to give that up, that is even  gonna happen less than giving up Mountain Dew."--Mule cogitated peevishly. Mule tended to think most vague statements are about sex.

Gary: Each Sunday we gather, this is our practice so to speak. We come here and get knowledge and wisdom and encouragement to place into our lives. Our coach, Jesus Christ demands us to work hard, and it was never said that being a Christian would be easy.

"Coach Jesus, I wonder if he cusses as much as my coaches at Duke...." was Mule's way of thinking.

Gary: If we believe that we can show up to practice each week and go on about our lives not really thinking much more about our walk with Jesus and still excel, we’re wrong.

If Jesus is going to hang with me, he better learn to jog...ya' know what I'm sayin'?" Mule quipped in a whisper to the HBB with a wink, only to almost get another elbow which he  successfully blocked.

Gary: Our commitment isn’t to just show up and go through the motions, it’s to live it out and apply it within all we do. The truth is that BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH stay determined and committed to not just ourselves but to our team as well.

"Right now I am determined and committed to stay awake to avoid another elbow to the ribs!"  Mule mused.

Mule's eyes are by this point almost slits.  He likes the metaphors, but harkening back to his football days he is thinking:  "Call the play already,  Gary, call the play!"

Gary: As it says in Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. 

"C'mon," Mule thought angrily, "THAT HAS TO BE ABOUT  SEX!"

Gary: This verse.. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH... Most people believe the sport of wrestling as simply an individual sport but it’s much more than that.

"Cool Wrestling again...try to stay on topic Gary!" Mule suggested silently.

Gary: In order for me to get the most out of our team it takes each individual. I need each one of the wrestlers at the top of their game at all times. Their motivation and presence is highly important. Have you ever tried wrestling by yourself? It just doesn’t work. There are many things for that matter in life that just doesn’t work if you try it alone.

"O.K.  If I know preachers that was CLEARLY about Masturbation!"  --Mule decided.

Gary: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH... I have heard it a billion times and I am sure you have as well, “My relationship with Jesus is personal”. Sure it is, just like wrestling is an individual sport but what about those brothers and sisters on your team that can deepen and strengthen you relationship with Jesus?

Mule looked up at Gary confused.  "I know I haven't been EXACTLY paying attention to EVERY word, but I think Gary is fumbling the sermon here....Is someone else gonna pick up the ball...cuz this is is going South fast."

Gary: Blah Blah Blah Blah...Church, we need each other to help us stay sharp and focused in our Christian walk.

Mule starts thinking about lunch, and the sermon fades in and out

Gary: ... I have personally and ...the importance of my team mate that keeps me going.... I can count on to always keep me on track.

Gary: The greatest influence comes from those we call close friends. Little teams of people, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH when we fail, encourage us when we’re discouraged, lighten our load when it gets too heavy, and give us strength against the evil forces and temptations we all face.

Mule smiled as he thought: "This HBB is tempting me sorely right now, as long as she doesn't try that elbow deal again!"

Gary: Our team mates either help us become and stay sharp or they facilitate our becoming and remaining...

Mule lets the preaching fade out into background noise and is lost in his own thoughts and daydreams. How did I get here?  Oh, yeah, I remember...

It was at the beach bar after our fight ....

I foolish agreed to a rematch and to arm wrestle Gary...

I was feeling cocky from winning the fight....

and forgot just how freakishly strong this swole 
motherfucker was...

It didn't take fucking long for me to get reminded....

Jesuz Fukin Christ... he was tearing my rotator cuff apart ...

Fully powered up his bicep was huge...

My bicep was screaming in pain....

I'm in fucking agony and Gary is just sitting there smiling....

He's chill as fuck, I'm fucking dying ...

My arm is shaking and quivering, my blood vessels feel like they
 are filled with battery acid, my bicep is burning like a Jewish corpse in Nazi Germany ...
You done, Big Boy?-- he asks me calm as fuck ...

Come on, Mule.  Don't make me destroy that shoulder
 of yours....

... I already crippled your leg, you want me to do the same to 
your arm, Mule?

You feeling that power Mule?
My guns are bigger and stronger than yours, Mule...
 submit...before l tear your arm off...

FUCKKKK... you win, you win.... let go of my arm man...  you fucking won...

"Yeah"  Mule thinks, rubbing his still sore arm.  "That's how I ended up at this Church losing my first arm wrestling match in 7 years... have to reset the timer on that record now I guess"

Mule begins Day Dreaming about the beach fight while Gary sermonizes

Mule's selective memory is at work in this dreamy 'reconstruction'...

OK, Superman, let's see just have invulnerable you are....

That's a nice big target....

How about a kick to the dick, big man?

Ever been kicked in the nuts before Padre? 

Hurts like a motherfucker don't it?

Ha! Sounds like you feel pain just like us mere mortals, 
"Agent of the Lord"  Let's hear that scream again, tough guy...

Is there a special faith healing prayer for repairing fractured
 cervical vertebrae, Gary?

Mrbgh meghhea grrr? WTF does that mean? You speaking
 in tongues, Padre?


I'm gonna pull your head off, then piss down your neck...

Is that your spine going snap, crackle and pop?

Your getting a good stretch... how you like being on the 
receiving end of an ass kicking?

I felt the pain you can dish out, Padre, now let's see how much
 that muscle packed body of YOURS can take

Gary is put in a sleeper hold

The Lord is thy shepherd, I shall not want...

I'm thinking you will be wanting oxygen
 real soon there, Preacher-man!

You are caught in the constricting grip of my python arms!

Struggle and thrash all you want Bible Boy,
you ain't going nowhere!

Won't be long now....

I feel your muscles starting to go slack...

I don't hear you preachifying no more, no more,
no more, Gary....

What's the matter, you got something lodged in your throat,
like maybe MY LEFT BICEPS!

Sweet dreams, Preacher man!

Thank you Jesus for letting me get some revenge ass-kicking
 after Gary kicked my ass.

...and forgive my impure thoughts right now...

...with poor Gary lying there looking like a beautifully
 tasty morsel...

Lead me not into temptation, despite being all horned up from
 the fight...

I know he is on Team Jesus and all, and I don't want to mess
 with one of your first-string players.

So strengthen my resistance and resolve....

You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be
Gary preached unconsciously

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God...
Gary mumbled
Amen to that, Gary! --replied Mule

If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other
 cheek also.

I am going to pass on that Gary, somebody clots me,
 I am going to clobber them back even HARDER!

But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who
 persecute you...Gary preached in his dream

Mule woke up from his musings just as Gary was closing up his  sermon:

Gary:..Remember you are not a failure until you give up. You are not pinned until you quit. So don't quit. Never give up. Keep going. Hold on. God's rewards await us in the distant future not near the beginning; and we don't know how many steps it will take to reach the prize. No breaks or time outs exist; we must work every day of our life. It has been said, "Life is like reading a book. It begins to make sense when we near the end." Now Let's go do some LIFTING!

As the sermon broke up, Mule filed by Gary with the others, heading toward the locker room, and said "Cool Sermon, Reverend! How about we work back 'n bi's and then afterward you can hear my Confession..."

"We do confession a little differently than you might be used to, it involves less rote and more faith counseling...and we have a  therapeutic whirlpool tub that is excellent for post-workouts and such reflection.."

"You mean a hot tub?  You naughty, naughty preacher-man!"

Gary looked at Mule's fiendish smile and suddenly thought of Matthew 6:13* --but nevertheless later met him at the hot tub.

Umm, it is a therapeutic whirlpool tub!

Yeah, whatever Gary..... anyway there at the THERAPEUTIC WHIRLPOOL TUB, Mule truly found religion, I will leave it readers to interpret that as they choose.

*And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.

Cue Hot Tub Hymn: