Saturday, May 28, 2016

Musings from Valhalla: Happy Memorial Day Weekend!


HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY MY READERS!

PARTY HARD MY BRAHS!




But Be Sure to remember all the brahs who died for their country!







Sunday, May 15, 2016

Musings from Valahalla: New story on its way!





For those who have been checking the blog and seeing this for the last month:


Do not despair.  I haven't forgotten about you guys.  A new story is in the works!

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Musings from Valhalla: The tugs of real lfe


Real life continues to impinge on my story telling time, and unlike a physical opponent, I can't use my fists and brawn to beat this work load into submission, I actually have to READ these legal briefs and write about them!


Still during my continuing hiatus, you, my amazing readers, have brought the blog past the 80,000 views mark!


Keep checking out the archives, and keep those comments coming, I read each and every one!

-Mule
Now it is up, up and away,
off to save some musclehead clients
 from THEMSELVES.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Musings from Valhalla: 79,000 views.


Thanks for bearing with me during the busy season at work.  Do check out the material in the archives, and I will be posting new material as soon as my work schedule permits.-Mule.



Thursday, March 24, 2016

Vignette: Snapshots of my College and Law School Fucking, Fighting and Fantasy!











Washed sheets, still got spots

Ran into a woman from my past Saturday night:

 Cliffs:

-Just had a baby (body still tight) 
-text me to cuddle when I was on the way home 
-Lactating AND on her period.
-we just laid together for about an hour and I finally couldn't take it and told her to go take her tampon out. 
-Sometimes, being a man is hard work
-When she left the next day, my sheets looked like the shroud of Turin
-btw, breast milk tastes a little like lip gloss, watery but strangely satisfying.
-Now I realize Grapes of Wrath had a happy ending.
-Milk it does a body good!



Let's Make a Deal

So I got $200 burning a hole in my pocket.. 

The "line stander in place" job I worked at last summer called me a week or so ago and  needed chair "sitter inners" .... some hearing at the FCC and they wanted to make sure the opposition didn't have no place to sit... so I got there real early and put my muscle butt in a chair and used the techniques I use in the gym to make sure no one takes my bench or squat rack (its a stare and a low growl) 


if  I  had to go take a piss I  would leave a towel and a bottle of water....everybody knows that means the chair is taken, right?  Dunno WTF the meeting was about... sumthing about cable tv?  I had a bunch of lectures from school on my ipod so I was just listening to those... anyway... I got $$$ , I am off for Spring Break, and I don't catch my plane outta here till Sat morning so... I am thinking a big date Fri maybe even go to someplace nice and fancy like the Olive Garden...



 But the question is...who should the lucky bitch be? I have narrowed it down to three



Behind door number one: 




Babe I  met when I was working out at school last week 'cause I too short on time to go to the real gym. I was doing shoulders and I looked up and seen the finest little sweaty ass doing squats on the smith machine right in front me... Man I just wanted to pin her against the wall then initiate pelvic thrusts and neck licking to establish sexual dominance... then do her doggie right there .. but instead between sets I went over to sniff the bench she was using ...



...while I was sniffing she finished up and come over and sat down and I  started my game....she had one of them exercise programs and a notebook so I started giving her advice...and smelling her.. she was hot as fuck... 



body was a 10!  Tighty, small like a gymist... and she was short... like 5 ft... I wud be able to toss that anyway I wanted...probably cleave her in two with my donger... but then I noticed sumthin' wrong with her face... she had a "lazy eye".   It's fucking weird... and creepy dunno if I  wud want to be around that when I was eating    but HB 10 if you get past the eye..




Behind door number two:



Chick I have banged before.  Downside: Fugly dope dealin' slut   Upside:  FANTASTIC IN BED.
Embarrassing to be seen out and around with...but damn she does this thing.....

Behind door number three:



Another chick I have banged before.  Downside: Largely frigid and expensive gold digger  Upside: Looks good on my arm when I am strutting about town. 

It's sometimes best to be better looking than the girl you're tapping, because they try harder to please you... HOTT girls expect you to do all the work, it's nice to have a break and recEIve sometimes ya know...BUT SOME LIMITS.. no fat chicks THIS Spring Break...NO MATTER HOW DRUNK I GET... I made me a rule for break  God Fucking Damnit, How Come Fat Bitches Always Wanna Fuck Me!?!?!!?!?  Fat chicks dig me more than they dig cake!

"Hey there Mule....."


I swear, why the fuck do these fat ass bitches think they have a chance with a hot ass mother fucker like myself? I just don't get it ... Fat chicks are worse than gay people and goddamn those bastards are like dogs in heat...Fat chicks should NEVER make eye contact with me, they should look away. cuz I am WAY outta their damn league...besides whales like that get disgustingly sweaty underboobs when they fuck...  END RANT

I went with Door Number One...because she has that NEW PUTANG SMELL

Valentine's Day: Mule World Problems



V-day presents challenges for me.... This year: 1 dick, 3 women ... I gots me some  serious time management issues here! I am juggling 3 chicks in rotation, PLUS the randoms, and one I am planning on cheating with soon... Don't ya just feel sorry for me?

If they would let me just bang 'em all at the same time it would be problem solved, but they is being all female and not biting on that... they want private time lol.

V-Day gifts....For the 3 STEADY fucks I have lined in rotation I bought 3 fish for like $2 each and then 3 bowls for another buck at the dollar store... I am giving them each a fish with a card that says "You're the only fish in the sea for me" ... that romantic shit is a lock to get you laid ...



 I might even spring for some candy or donuts to go with the fish... do you think I should staple a condom inside the card or would that be cheesy? 

Here's some Valentine day poems I came up with:

Roses are red, 
violets are blue, 
Valentine's day sucks, 
so f*ck you bitch....

Roses are red, 
pickles are green,
I love your legs, 
and what's in between

Roses are red,
violets are blue, 
so was your pussy, 
when I's through with you...

Ain't I Romantic?




Fuck love, all I got for hoez is hard dick andbubblegum ....



Anyway I survived V-day (barely)... right now I got a bag of frozen veggies in my jock strap...the big fella is on ice at the moment


About Last Night....

Ask guy who spent 65 bucks at the bar last Friday night anything...WTF? that's got to be like 20 beers? I spent all my special "trick money" (bunch of ones with a $20 wrapped on the outside) that I use to impress the gold digging bar sluts.

I puked in the bathroom at the bar. I woke up naked. I was too drunk to bang the girl who took me home.  Then the bartender (an ex gf) came over after she got off an hour or so later and tried to get some dick but I was passed out and naked from the other girl. She turned off all my lights and left. I didn't even remember her coming over.... lol.

I usually ain't a pussy when I drink..but instead am scoring pussy... but my resistance was low... I had been out in the cold kissing this girl with the flu .... I don't think I was wore out or caught a 
peƱor disease cause I had only had sex with 3 different girls in the last week and all of them are clean ...I think. 

I used a condom on 1 of them because I wasn't sure about her but the other 2 i have banged before and they aren't banging any other guys cause the one is pregnant and the other is all in love with me. besides the two I didn't use condoms on aren't aloud to fuck other guys...MULE RULES!


Apparently some jacked-up AMOG tried to take advantage of my  ass at the bar and started a fight with me...I don't remember much about it but from what I heard it was a pretty good fight... too bad I don't remember much... apparently I told the other dude that I would "crush his skull, and they use his brain juice to jerk off with, and then wear his intestines as a scarf and go shopping for new shoes" LOL  At least that's what the female witness told me I said . Said this guy was  big like me, hooge scary fuker too, like a caveman with down syndrome on 'roids she says...not good.

"Me fight Mule!"

You should try never to fight an ugly guy...he's got nothing to lose--anyway, the chick said I had my hands full for a while.. dunno .. hard to know a fight went by listen' to a woman describing it... sounds like we exchanged a bunch of punches, then a mutual bearhug ( bitch says we locked up for the crush like muscled bulls for 10 minutes and she never seen so much muscle flexin' and strainin' or heard so much grunting and groaning in her life) and that I finally knocked him the fuck out and ended with what sounds like a horse collar. Sorry I missed it LOL. I had a shiner and some nice bruises and my ribs felt like I had wrestled a gorilla the next day so I am sure she ain't bullshitting me about it happening. She helped me walk home after and said I barely made it...thought she was gonna have to call me an ambulance... still don't know how much of that was the fight and how much it was being drunk lol.  I wonder what the other guy looks like today....course he was fugly to begin with... 

 In case you are wondering...I apparently took some "low" blows to the nads...had to ice the boys with abag of frozen veggies out the freezer next day...fortunately the big fella recovered before Valentine's day... took a different type of damage on V-day   lol



Bartender wants my Dick?

She works as a bartender . She was supposed to be on her way like a hour ago cause shes drunk and wanted some dick but she's nowhere to be found...

What happened to her? 

DUI ? 
Car wreck? 
Banging some other dude?
Just late cause shes a girl ?

I was just  sitting there wonderin', as we ain't exclusive*...

*exclusive means: She is only seeing MULE and she don't know about all my other side chicks

Normally tf we aren't doing it, I am usually asking her about if any of her friends would be willing to bang me. Then we go back to humping.   I could of arranged for other entertainment if I knew she wasn't going to be coming over, now it is just NETFLIX. 
I would text her to see where she is but I don't want to look weak ....

Mule's Madden Football Fantasy ...



"We have a game Sunday?

"Fuck kid, I didn't even know. They don't tell me when the games are played." The kid just pulls out the Nintendo, and I just run out onto the field and start aiming lasers for fucking Saturn, you know what I mean? If there's a defense there, whatever.  The Mule  is more than happy to spray hot passes all over the defense's chest. Who are we playing? The Lions? Pfft. Those guys aren't sexy. You telling me Jon Kitna is sexy? I've seen white supremacists in prison who are sexier than that do-gooder. No wonder he's a devout Christian. What kind of pussy would he pull on the open market? Dumpster pussy, that's what. "

DERP!


"What's that color the Lions wear? Honolulu Blue?" Yeah, well I nailed six Hawaiian Tropic girls last week. So while those faggots are busy wearing Honolulu, I'm busy fucking it. Wore my mesh practice top the whole time, too. And in front of a mirror. Ever stick your finger up your own ass? God, it just felt so right. "Try it later kid, not while you are handling the Nintendo."

Jesus, now that you told me I'm playing Detroit, I'm all fucking hot. God dammit. I gotta go throw something. Now. I just... I just can't take the anticipation. It's driving me buck wild. Such a depleted secondary. So many long, long throws. You know I accidentally fucked Olin Kreuntz once? 

I was fucked by the Mule,
and I liked it!


True story. 

So, you play fantasy football? That's funny. Because I AM fantasy football. Girls watch me throw and they ovulate. It's just the way I move. So poised. So strong. So fluid. 


They know I'm undressing the defense with my arm. Oh, Daddy says that Mule is up to no good. And you know what, honey? Your daddy is right. I am thinking nasty, nasty thoughts when I'm out there. I throw that ball sixty yards, and I just wanna ram a stick of butter up some girl's ass. I can't help it. Football and sex just go together for me. It's a natural fit, just like any girl is a natural fit on me. 

"Hope you win, kid. Either way, Mule is fucking that night."


"Is that Berrian? I think he's triple-covered. You know what? Fuck it. I'm throwing it downfield. "



"Yeah, I see Jones open on the flank. But fuck that. Dump off passes are for f a g g o t s. I'm the fuking Mule. I can get that ball in there. And, even if I can't, I bet I'll be able to pull it off the next go round. I like throwing the ball long. It makes my dick hard."



"What's that? I should throw a quick slant? Fuck that. That's gay. Button hook? Gay. Flare out? Gay. Screen pass? Kevin Spacey gay. This is fucking football. You can't just expect wins to come to you. You can't massage that shit. You gotta grab that game by the throat and rape the ever-loving shit out of it. You think a 5-yard out is gonna win you a game? You're a pussy. This ain't John Shoop running this offense..."



"...Mule's got the arm. The dragon. You gotta unleash the dragon."

"Okay, I'm throwing it. Nice. Look how far it went. I look good. I bet I made that Pats cheerleader wet her panties with that throw. She fucking wants me. I bet she likes it over a stair railing. I can hit that with 100% accuracy, my dear. Mmmmmm. I am delicious."

Give me a M, give me a U,
give me a L, and give me a E
WHAT DO WE WANT?
HIS DICK!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NOW!



Oh shit. Looks like Samuel caught it. Again. Oh well. It still felt fucking great to throw that shit. Tell me that wasn't one of the prettiest passes you ever saw. You know what? Not only am I gonna throw it long the next time we hit the field. I'm gonna throw it even longer. Harder. You see that kid in wheelchair sitting in the end zone bleachers? I'm gonna nail him right between the fucking eyes with a Sexy Mule fastball. Why? Because I can. 

This is the Mule we're talking about here. We're talking 255 lbs. of twisted steel and sex appeal. I'm not just a gunslinger. I'm a cumslinger. Throwing that ball long tells all the babes that I am fucking out there. On the edge. Where I gotta be. The ladies love the danger. The unpredictability. Oh, maybe I'll tease them with a pretty touch pass every now and again. But then I'm gonna go right back to pumping that ball out for all it's worth. It tells them I throw like I fuck. That's how we do things in the sexy business. Tell me you're not turned on right now...I know I am.  O.k. kid, you can put the Nintendo away and you and me can hit the showers.


Friday, March 18, 2016

Musings from Valhalla: How to be a Big Muscle Stud Like Mule


A COMPILATION FROM MY OLD BLOG



Bodybuilding is like Fight Club....

Bodybuilding is like Fight Club...I was on a plane the other day, I looked up and saw a guy get on the plane...big guy. I knew he lifted. I knew he ate oatmeal and egg whites for breakfast. He looked at me. He knew I lifted. He knew I had a protein shake before bed. We didn't say one word to each other,but I knew...and he knew. Now that's some cool, Fight Club type shit. Bodybuilding is the best thing since sliced bread...whole grain bread that is.






Atta' tude...



Today lesson is on attitude. Now I know you were hoping for some training advice, but that'll have to wait. Don't rush me bitch. It'll come. You need to understand here and now that I'm the man and if you want to even stand in my shadow you'd better pay close attention to what I'm about to say.

I understand most of you are likey nerdy little bitches who don't even lift, but EVEN YOU can use and apply this knowledge. 

I wanna be just like my hero, MULE


At all times you need absolute confidence. I don't give a shit what we're talking about! Be a man.  



But for now We'll stick to gym related topics.

Upon arrival at the Gym you need to have your windows down and be rockin' out to some crazy shit! I don't want to hear any of that hip hop jungle music garbage but more like some Korn or Mega Death! Make sure you have your gym bag in the trunk of your ride. The passenger seat is for the bitch you'll be taking home with you after you've torn up the gym. After you've chosen a prime parking space or two,  and have made your presence known, pimp your ass to the trunk and get your bag. You wanna make sure you've got a little weight to the bag. This will allow you to show your guns as you go into the gym. But not so much weight that it makes your pansy ass lean to one side.

As you arrive at the front door set your bag down and check your hair in the glass doors. If someone else is coming out or up to the door make sure they open it for you. Especially if it's some skank you'll be taking home next week. As you approach the counter to check in and the chick says hello don't say a thing in return. You've got to realize, she's easy, and says that to every man and most likely woman who walks through those doors. Just let her do her job and pay her no attention at this point. Just set your bag down on the counter to gather yourself. With style, raise your sun glasses to set on top of your head or take them off altogether.  Flex your arms as you do so. Then take your time and put them in your bag. 



Now look her square in the eye and say "What's up girl." I guarantee her panties will be soaked. Keep in mind that you're the man and it's everyone's privilege to even speak to you. Not the other way around. They want to become you. They want to look, act, speak, and even be you. Their bones ache with jealousy. You're like a Greek god in their eyes. Some even workout at this time of day just to be in the same room with you. You are amazing, and they know it.



When you reach the locker room handle your business and get out. . If you've got to piss that's fine. . Make sure to hit the loudest water possible in any given pisser. Forget that quiet shit. Your dick is just as badass as you are so let everybody know it. When you're done shake it three times and walk out. Don't wash your hands because your stuff is clean as a whistle, besides, all the pee-ons touch their junk and turn on the sink.



As you walk out into the gym be sure your head is held high and your chest pushed out. You need to give off "the man" vibe. Make sure to ask the biggest guy in your area if he's done with the station you're ready to go to next. Tell him what weight you're going to begin with. This will show everybody around it's your turn so back the hell up. Immediately you'll get the attention of all the ladies, but don't mind them whatsoever. Handle your business and move on. Don't even look at them until you've felt every one of them undress you with their eyes. You'll get your chance to play later.

Her: I love you! Call me!
Him: Hey, the squat rack is free!!!


You want to make sure you grab everyone's attention while training. Going heavy is a given and slamming weights is a must. Keep solid form but by all means use big poundages. Be intense! When you've reached your heavy sets hollar out when it's getting heavy. You've gotta show everyone there they can't touch you; and those weights can't hold you down! After you've slammed out your last set you've got to be mean muggin yourself in the mirror! Hell watch every inch of your perfection during the set as well! Everybody else will be.




Now normally I'd say stick to the basic lifts that allow for big weights, but we're after some tail as well. I mean you can't look this damn good and not share with the less fortunate. Your genes are a gift from God. Not sharing them with every hot bitch you meet would be like a crime against humanity. If a chick is a 7 or less don't even bother. You're prime time, and fresh meat! You want only the cream of the crop. Again you need to have all the confidence in the world. Just give off the bad-ass vibe. 

While you want to be somewhat polite to these bitches, always be in control. If she's using a machine or station that relates to your workout that day, ask the bitch if you can "squeeze in between her sets". She get weak in the knees right then and there. From there it's a walk in the park.



As you're wrapping up your workout don't forget to do some flexes in the mirror. As you do so give off some low level growls. Why, you ask?. Because you're a fuckin' animal and don't question me again or I will flatten you!  So you will be flexing and growling, letting both build to a rumbling and pulsating crescendo.  (Not advised in Planet Fitness, so get your ass our of Planet Fitness and into a REAL GYM Shithead!)

PF1: "Where is everybody? "
 PF2: "Oh, they headed over to the gym
where  ♥♥♥Mule♥♥♥ works out!"


While engaged in this flexing rite, you wanna be aggressive as hell in doing so too. Don't do some weak ass quick flex and move on, but admire your handy work. Fall in love with yourself every goddamn time you do it and every slut in that gym will do the same! If you can't turn yourself on in the mirror, how you going to turn on the sloots??!!



Grab your bag and make for the door. As you do you'll notice salivating chicks almost making a mad dash in the same direction! At this point take your choice. You want to start off with one at a time because sometimes, even today, these skanks want more than just wild animal sex. Remember Mule is already at pro-level in this department and can pack his vehicle with gym sloots.  I know, I know, it's a pain in the ass for you amateurs, but just play their sick little game and you'll go far. Once you've made your choice handle your business and pimp your big ass back to the ride with the designated gym bunny. Tear it up right there in the parking lot,as a warm-up and the word will spread just as fast as she did! 

ACQUIRE PROTEIN!!!!

Today while driving to the gym I  heard for the super bowl Mcy D's had 50 pc. chicken nugget for like $7.99... some cheap protein right there.  Took off a lot of the breading. already ate over half, probably save the other like 20 nuggets for tomorrow at lunch or eat 'em all tonight. it comes in a big ass tub, it's sweet!

***Update***
my stomach hurts now!

Now Mule going to lay down sum White boy rappin' to get your toes atappin'!

When I walk into McDonald's people stare!
Little old lady in the corner stares!
Fat old man in the suit glares!
Kid with ice cream drools and stares!
I flex my lats and strut up to the counter
Muscles bulging I begin my encounter.
I say "Chicken McStrong with diet coke, hun"
She go "What? You be asking, son"
I rip my shirt of and flex along 
as I rap: "I am Chicken McStrong I come from a farm where I didn't belong!!!"
Some chick behind me checking out my ass says: 
"The nuggets r on me hoss, cuz you looking like a bawse!"




Well, I went to Taco Bell and ordered drive thru. Here's what I wanted
- 3 Chicken Gorditas
- 1 Grilled Stuft Chicken Burrito
- 1 Grilled Stuft Bean Burrito
- 2 Bean Hard Shell Tacos
- Nachos w/ Cheese

Mind you this was a solo order!

This is what I got when I left the drive thru:
- 3 Cheesy Chicken Gorditas
- 1 Grilled Stuft Chicken Burrito
- 1 Grilled Stuft Beef Burrito
- 2 Beef Hard Shell Tacos
- No nachos but just a cup of cheese (I thought maybe I dropped them in my jeep or something so I was looking around and it wasn't anywhere to be found.)




It's a new low for them.  I won't stop eating there anyways cuz the price is right!

They have an impossible time telling the difference between bean and beef on those speakers. I have to MOO at them and say I want a COW burrito half the time.  The meat they use is only 1 grade above the meat they use in dog food anyways.

They do it EVERY TIME, pisses me off.


I swear, one day im going to snap and go all KUNG FU on their asses. 


You pushed me too far this time!
I'm going all Bruce Lee on your asses



How hard can it possibly be to fix fast food? For fucks sake Burger King has retarded people working there, and they get my order right!






Happens at the Chinese Place too:




Me: Hello can i get some Sesame chicken w/ white rice?
Chinese Lady: Huh?! Some Wrestling Chicken with Why Rice?
Me: Excuse me? Can you repeat my order again I didn't catch that.
Chinese Lady: Sure thin, Some Wrestling Chicken w/ Wild Rice.
(close enough!)
Me: Yea...phone number is ***-****, deliver to **** ********* please.
Chinese Lady: Riiiiiii, yo total is a 8 Dolla, and waiting teem is twenti fi minu.
Me: Cool beans, thanks.
Chinese Lady: Would you like some wregg-woll with your order?
Me: No thanks.
Chinese Lady: Ok fhank you for yo ohdur.
Just got my order, they messed up...got some Cat Chow Mein lookin' shit...






See acquiring protein is not as easy as it sounds!