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Mulevid and Goliath: A Biblical Epic
פרדת היהודי וגוליית : אפוס המקרא
Story translated from ancient clay tablets by Mule, edited by Edit-Brah, original art by Steve
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| As told by Right Honorable Rev. Mule: Expert in Biblical Hermeneutics and Exegesis |
Long ago, in ancient times, there was a young shepherd named Mulevid, a blond giant, strong of muscle, and hung like a camel. He was the pride of Bethlehem and its resident heartthrob. There wasn't a shepherdess in the hill country of Judah married or 'maiden' who hadn't felt the tickle of his 'shepherd's staff '.
Down on plains of Philistia, in the city of Gath, there lived another veritable giant of a man, and the baddest bad-ass of all the Philistines, who were a nation of bad-asses. His name was Goliath. Now in those troubled times, the five cities of the Philistines enjoyed harassing the peoples of Judah, exacting tribute, slaves and treasure. They enjoyed raping and pillaging, especially the raping, and this put them on the bad side of Mulevid, who saw Judah pussy as being HIS dominion. So you know Mulevid and Goliath were going to rock and roll, and it wouldn't be pretty.
Now one day an army of Philistines had lined up ready for the annual foray into Judah. They were looking particularly rapey that year, and the Jews of Judah feared terribly for the fate of their sheep and a distant second and third for their wives and daughters, because that is how things rolled back then, when men were men, women served men, and livestock were nervous. So the Jews argued among themselves as was their want...and then decided.
"Better call Saul" which is what they did.
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| SAUL |
Saul was the "King" of Judah and Israel, which in those days didn't mean a heck of a lot, he was basically a glorified camel-jockey sheikh with a few more sheep, cattle and wives than the rest of the clowns. Still he knew a lot of shit, and his peeps respected him. Before Saul became Chief Dude, the Hebrews had been ruled over by a bunch of pin-striped refs called Judges, until the fans clamored for the Jews to get all professional like the rest of the teams in the Levant League. Saul ruled out of a place called Gibeah, which called itself a city, but was a little shitpile of a village with delusions of grandeur.
Saul gathered a great host to finally stand up to the Philistine marauders, but great host didn't mean a heck of a lot of men in those days, so basically it was Saul's squad up against a squad of knuckle-draggers from Philistia. Saul's squad was looking pretty damn sharp this season and Samuel who was a "prophet" and manager out of the head office, really thought they had a shot at the Levant title.
So the two squads started their typical pre-match catcalls, and confidence among Saul's homies was pretty high, sure they might have been all around 5'2" tall, but that was normal back in that era, and those dudes were on fleek!
Now the Philistines were all around 5' 4" and more muscular than the Jew-boys but they were a rather undisciplined squad and unfocused, like a bunch of prima donna NBA all-stars, good as individuals but overall lacking team cohesion. The team from Judah, in contrast,was like a well oiled machine. They had been training real hard and were highly motivated.
So things were finally looking good for Team Judah when out of his tent steps the Philistine all-state champ: standing over 7' tall, Goliath of Gath. This dude was a mountain of twisted sinew glistening like polished bronze and solid as iron. Saul and his boys literally shat their loin cloths and called Time Out.
Now Mulevid, youngest son of Jesse, had been sent to the battle by his father to bring Goaterade, or whatever sports drink they drank back then, out to his older brothers. Now Mulevid was a fine specimen of manhood, towering over the other goat herders at an impressive 6'3" tall. When Goliath was not on the scene, he was considered the resident giant. The only reason he hadn't made the squad was because all the other players were all jealous of him, so Coach Saul thought it would sap morale if Mulevid played. However with Goliath in the game, Saul knew they needed their biggest, baddest guy on their team if they were going to have ANY hope of victory.
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| Saul called Time-Out and ducked into his tent to change his loin cloth. |
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| "You wanted to see me, Coach?"--asked Mulevid. |
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| "We need to counter Goliath, Mulevid, and you're the biggest Jew in the United Kingdom of Judah and Israel." |
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| "Damn, what they been feeding this guy" |
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| I'm gonna kick your cute ass all the way to Bethlehem and back..... (click on image to make it full sized) |
Mulevid saw the Goliath-inspired abject terror in the eyes of Saul's squad when he strutted up to the line of scrimmage. His nose wrinkled from the stench of fecal matter as he realized all the other guys had shat themselves with fear. He stepped forward to issue challenge.
"Hey you, dickless wonder...you got a mighty small pecker for a giraffe!" How Mulevid knew about Giraffes, was unclear.
"Wwwut?" sputtered the colossus in disbelief, he was not used to being spoken to by Jew-boys...well other than things like: "Please, stop... mercy....I surrender..."
Dressed in his simple tunic, carrying a sling and some stones in a pouch and his massive "shepherd's staff" in his loin cloth, Mulevid approached Goliath. The giant cursed at him, hurling threats and insults. Mulevid handed his sling and stones to this useless AFC named David, who haled from the same village of as he, and pulled off his tunic displaying an impressive wall of pectoral muscles that gave the Judean squad renewed hope and many of them the bonus of boners to boot.
Mulevid took a knee and said to the Philistine: "You think you all that, but you ain't shit! I come against you in the name of the Big Man upstairs...can I get an amen to that boys..."
Mulevid's teammates gave a hearty "Amen"
Mulevid continued: "...the big man upstairs, whom you have defied and displeased with your insolent rousting of his chosen dudes ... today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air ... and the whole world will know that Israel rules and Philistia drools...cuz God Hisself is our general manager, and he will give all you stinking heathens into our hands."
The men of Judah cheered, because nothing got those backward shepherds more riled up than some good Sabbath-style preachin' and Mulevid knew how to sermonize.
"The only stench I detect is the stank from your team soiling their loin cloths" snorted back Goliath and his squad cried in response.
"Oh snap!"
Mulevid jumped to his feet: "Nothing like the stank from your mother's festering cunt, when she oozed you out like the big glob of YELLOW puss you are!"
Mule's teammates gasped. EVERYONE knows you don't bring a Philistine's mother into shit-talking, that really riles 'em! But Mulevid was young and he had let his emotions get out ahead of his brain.
Goliath saw red and charged! His feet thundering across the ground like a stampeding herd of elephants. Mulevid mouthed the words "Oh shit"
Goliath was well over seven feet tall and over a quarter ton of rock solid muscle. He looked at his opponent Mulevid, clearly just boy but a phenomenal one, a hulk who seemed to be a smaller version of Goliath himself. "I'm gonna make short shrift of this punk-ass Israelite who dares to defy ME!"--the Philistine Titan fumed.
Meanwhile the Hebrew behemoth blinked at the sheer size of his opponent. The brutal foe was bigger than he had thought possible. Standing at his full height, he was only eye level to the huge crevice between the Philistine Giant's bulging pectorals, a space deep enough for Mulevid's entire head.
Goliath's abs rose full inches off his waist, looking as large and as hard as roofing tiles. The Colossus of Gath's arms were nearly as big as the Israelite's mammoth thighs, and his legs were like the most ancient tree trunks of the famed cedars of Lebanon.
The Giant of Gath may have been big, but he was not lumbering, that dude was as fast as a Levantine gazelle.
Suddenly Mulevid felt his arms pulled back behind him and hot breath searing the top of his head and peaked traps. Immense pain thundered through his shoulders and back in the wrenching moment. Instinctively the Hebrew jerked away but an overwhelming force restrained him, and this stupefied the youth.
Mulevid was simply not used to ANYONE matching, much less overcoming his legendary strength. The 411 on Mulevid among the Hebrew homies, was that the kid was the next Samson. Samson was an all-of-famer from back in the day, whose trademark was sporting a ridiculous mane all tucked up in a man-bun. Mulevid, in contrast, was styling a kick-ass fade.
Anywho...Goliath had got Mulevid all twisted up in a chicken wing wrassling hold. The young shepherd felt his pecs stretch with the shock. His shoulders tendons strained and he felt his very biceps being pulled from his bones. Mulevid tensed so as to drag his arms forward but nothing happened. Goliath chuckled and disdainfully hawked a loog on the back of the kid's neck. Goliath flexed his own monstrous pecs and crunched Mulevid's arms further back. The kid had never experienced strength. nor pain on this level before. But instead of panicking, Mulevid just got angrier.
Goliath dragged the lad up into the air by just the kid's arms, and then pounded him feet first down onto the desert floor. Mulevid had locked his knees under him but hit the soft ground with such an impact that he sank into the sand up to his thick thighs. With a contemptuous grunt, the mighty giant yanked the shepherd up and out of the sand. Mulevid strained with all his power, but Goliath forced his hands together and tried to crush the lad's wrists. Goliath wanted to break the Jew-boy's big arms but Goliath himself was breathing heavily already, his own arms feeling the strain. This had never happened to the Philistine before!
"How could this boy's arms, so much smaller than my own, contain such power!?" thought the giant.
Goliath was starting to labor just to hold on to Mulevid, the Philistine's now trembling arms, swelling with fury and popping angry-looking veins. The Giant of Gath and Mulevid struggled together, slippery sweat beading up on both bodies. Goliath realized that Mulevid's bones were iron hard, his tendons tough and that he was even stronger than he looked. "But no one was stronger than Goliath!" Yet just as he had that thought, to the Giants shock, he felt the boy actually pull his arms free.
As the Hebrew freed himself, he got a kick in the ass from Goliath that sent him sprawling face forward into the sand.
The muscles in the lad's arms and shoulders were firing in pain and cramping with exhaustion. The shepherd's face scraped along the abrasive sand leaving a bloody streak. Sand had also gotten in the kid's eye, near blinding him. He vaguely saw the giant stride over and straddle him raising his fists in victory, to the roar of the Philistine crowd. "Still reigning heavyweight champion of the Levant" the boastful giant roared to the acclaim of the Philistines. "Reigning ass of Camel, more like it" sneered Mulevid derisively as he kicked his foot in Goliath's crotch. But the giant had girded his loins and weathered the impact, where as Mulevid's foot throbbed with pain. "Let me massage that foot for you Jew-boy!" the Philistine offered sarcastically. "You like your toes facing your face, right?" he said giving the foot a twist. "You uncircumsized son of a camel!" came Mulevid's response. The powerful Philistine using the leg as a handle, flipped Mulevid's imposing bulk over like he was spinning a shish kabob and then slid him forward like he was playing shuffle board, and Mulevid's face was again sliding through the coarse sand scratching off skin, and blinding him.
The shepherd let the stinging sweat from his brow wash out the irritating sand from his eyes, as he rose painfully to his knees. The Hebrew could hear the Philistines cheer for more of his blood, while the Israelite homies undaunted by his fall, cheered on his prowess.
Mulevid stumbled to his shaky feet, and blearily saw the Giant standing, fists on his hips, laughing in deep booming derision.
Mulevid staggered forward, and blindly slammed his fist into Goliath's rock hard abs, only to feel his fist almost shatter like the tablets of Moses. Agony blazed up his arm and exploded in his brain. Goliath laughed harder and patted his belly. Mulevid swung around and kicked the Philistine's abs as hard as he could, and what would have killed any other living thing merely made the Colossus fold over with a grunt sending a blast of air and spray of spit out his gaping maw.
Mulevid had knocked the wind out of the beast, but paid a price. His kicking leg exploded in pain. It had been like kicking a stone wall and it felt to Mulevid like he had broken his knee. He fell to the ground, howling and grabbing the throbbing joint. But being a bad-ass he shook it off, and slowly rose. As he did, Goliath socked him in the jaw, sending the Judean flying ten feet and onto his ass, and skidding five more feet after he landed.
Mulevid stood tried to clear his head but suddenly the Giant was all over him. He first softened the Hebrew up with a series of devastating blows. Until the kid was staggering punch drunk on rubber legs.
Then Goliath swung back one massive fist in a great arc and
Mulevid was back on his big muscular ass once again. Suddenly the Jew-boy had thighs as big as mountains enveloping his body and pressing him down. He struggled desperately for breath and pushed vainly against the distending columns of muscle that wrapped around him. His head knocked against something enormous coiled under Goliath's loincloth. Mulevid was paralyzed by the huge legs that now were trying to crack his bones as if they were Passover Matzo crackers. The kid couldn't budge. So he used his sledgehammer fists to pound the rock hard legs, but only succeeded in bruising his hands until his knuckles bled. The Philistines cheered and the Hebrews watched in stunned silence.
Still as much as he flexed his mighty legs and as hard as he would strain, Goliath could not crush the resilient shepherd. Goliath marveled at the pressure Mulevid's fortress of a chest could resist. However he was confident in ultimately wearing the kid down.
Suddenly skidding around, Goliath flung himself on Mulevid, snaking his arms under and around Mulevid's head respectively, bending Mulevid's head forward and cramming it into the sand with a full nelson. The shepherd's thick dense traps fought back as he powered down his arms in an epic struggled against Goliath's rippling forearms. The Giant's legs extended out wide as he maneuvered to squash the squirming Hebrew into the sandy ground.
Mulevid could feel Goliath's fingers unlace behind his head as he finally powered out. Quick as a hare, Mulevid launched a series of rapid fire jabs into the Philistine's big stupid face.
Before Mulevid could follow up with coup de grace punch, the Giant lunged forward as the kid was winding his fist back, and flipped him over and grabbed him. Suddenly jumping up, Goliath heaved him overhead into his signature closer: "The Gath Back Torment", revived 3100 years later by Lex Luger as "The Human Torture Rack".
Goliath brought Mulevid up and down on his mile wide shoulders like the kid was a mere spear employed in morning calisthenics. Then shifting one hand to grab an iron grip on the lad's balls, he wrapped the other hand over Mulevid's head, and he started to bend him like an iron bar. Mulevid's spent back was straining with all the strength the kid had left against he Giant's arms and lats, but was clearly losing. The Philistines were rhythmically chanting: "Go-li-ath, Go-li-ath, Go-li-ath" as they prepared for their champion's foreordained triumph.
Goliath was well over seven feet tall and over a quarter ton of rock solid muscle. He looked at his opponent Mulevid, clearly just boy but a phenomenal one, a hulk who seemed to be a smaller version of Goliath himself. "I'm gonna make short shrift of this punk-ass Israelite who dares to defy ME!"--the Philistine Titan fumed.
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| "Oh shit!" |
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| "I'm gonna make short shrift of this punk-ass Israelite who dares to defy ME!" |
Meanwhile the Hebrew behemoth blinked at the sheer size of his opponent. The brutal foe was bigger than he had thought possible. Standing at his full height, he was only eye level to the huge crevice between the Philistine Giant's bulging pectorals, a space deep enough for Mulevid's entire head.
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| "I got to find out out what supplements this Goliath is taking and get me some, hope they aren't pork or shellfish based!" |
Goliath's abs rose full inches off his waist, looking as large and as hard as roofing tiles. The Colossus of Gath's arms were nearly as big as the Israelite's mammoth thighs, and his legs were like the most ancient tree trunks of the famed cedars of Lebanon.
The Giant of Gath may have been big, but he was not lumbering, that dude was as fast as a Levantine gazelle.
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| "I am going to pound you into humus, you Judean goat molester!" |
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| "You never face the likes of me before, Philistine!" |
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| "You are just a little less runty than the other Judean runts, no big deal! I'll still make you squeal like a pig" |
Suddenly Mulevid felt his arms pulled back behind him and hot breath searing the top of his head and peaked traps. Immense pain thundered through his shoulders and back in the wrenching moment. Instinctively the Hebrew jerked away but an overwhelming force restrained him, and this stupefied the youth.
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| Suddenly Mulevid felt his arms pulled back behind him and hot breath searing the top of his head and peaked traps. |
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| "Get ready to hear your boy, Mulevid, scream like a girl!" |
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| "What were you saying about my mother, cut-cock?" |
Anywho...Goliath had got Mulevid all twisted up in a chicken wing wrassling hold. The young shepherd felt his pecs stretch with the shock. His shoulders tendons strained and he felt his very biceps being pulled from his bones. Mulevid tensed so as to drag his arms forward but nothing happened. Goliath chuckled and disdainfully hawked a loog on the back of the kid's neck. Goliath flexed his own monstrous pecs and crunched Mulevid's arms further back. The kid had never experienced strength. nor pain on this level before. But instead of panicking, Mulevid just got angrier.
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| "Damn I kicked him in the groin and nearly broke my foot!" |
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| "Here let me massage your foot for you Mulevid, you like your toes facing your face?" |
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| "Damn it Mulevid, get up, you are letting down the whole squad!" |
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| "STILL,The reigning heavy weight champion of the Levant!" |
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| "Reigning ass of Camel, more like it" sneered Mulevid derisively |
Goliath dragged the lad up into the air by just the kid's arms, and then pounded him feet first down onto the desert floor. Mulevid had locked his knees under him but hit the soft ground with such an impact that he sank into the sand up to his thick thighs. With a contemptuous grunt, the mighty giant yanked the shepherd up and out of the sand. Mulevid strained with all his power, but Goliath forced his hands together and tried to crush the lad's wrists. Goliath wanted to break the Jew-boy's big arms but Goliath himself was breathing heavily already, his own arms feeling the strain. This had never happened to the Philistine before!
"How could this boy's arms, so much smaller than my own, contain such power!?" thought the giant.
Goliath was starting to labor just to hold on to Mulevid, the Philistine's now trembling arms, swelling with fury and popping angry-looking veins. The Giant of Gath and Mulevid struggled together, slippery sweat beading up on both bodies. Goliath realized that Mulevid's bones were iron hard, his tendons tough and that he was even stronger than he looked. "But no one was stronger than Goliath!" Yet just as he had that thought, to the Giants shock, he felt the boy actually pull his arms free.
As the Hebrew freed himself, he got a kick in the ass from Goliath that sent him sprawling face forward into the sand.
The muscles in the lad's arms and shoulders were firing in pain and cramping with exhaustion. The shepherd's face scraped along the abrasive sand leaving a bloody streak. Sand had also gotten in the kid's eye, near blinding him. He vaguely saw the giant stride over and straddle him raising his fists in victory, to the roar of the Philistine crowd. "Still reigning heavyweight champion of the Levant" the boastful giant roared to the acclaim of the Philistines. "Reigning ass of Camel, more like it" sneered Mulevid derisively as he kicked his foot in Goliath's crotch. But the giant had girded his loins and weathered the impact, where as Mulevid's foot throbbed with pain. "Let me massage that foot for you Jew-boy!" the Philistine offered sarcastically. "You like your toes facing your face, right?" he said giving the foot a twist. "You uncircumsized son of a camel!" came Mulevid's response. The powerful Philistine using the leg as a handle, flipped Mulevid's imposing bulk over like he was spinning a shish kabob and then slid him forward like he was playing shuffle board, and Mulevid's face was again sliding through the coarse sand scratching off skin, and blinding him.
The shepherd let the stinging sweat from his brow wash out the irritating sand from his eyes, as he rose painfully to his knees. The Hebrew could hear the Philistines cheer for more of his blood, while the Israelite homies undaunted by his fall, cheered on his prowess.
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| "I told you it was a mistake to put Mulevid in! I could of taken that big Gathite galoot!" whispered David. |
Mulevid stumbled to his shaky feet, and blearily saw the Giant standing, fists on his hips, laughing in deep booming derision.
Mulevid staggered forward, and blindly slammed his fist into Goliath's rock hard abs, only to feel his fist almost shatter like the tablets of Moses. Agony blazed up his arm and exploded in his brain. Goliath laughed harder and patted his belly. Mulevid swung around and kicked the Philistine's abs as hard as he could, and what would have killed any other living thing merely made the Colossus fold over with a grunt sending a blast of air and spray of spit out his gaping maw.
Mulevid had knocked the wind out of the beast, but paid a price. His kicking leg exploded in pain. It had been like kicking a stone wall and it felt to Mulevid like he had broken his knee. He fell to the ground, howling and grabbing the throbbing joint. But being a bad-ass he shook it off, and slowly rose. As he did, Goliath socked him in the jaw, sending the Judean flying ten feet and onto his ass, and skidding five more feet after he landed.
Mulevid stood tried to clear his head but suddenly the Giant was all over him. He first softened the Hebrew up with a series of devastating blows. Until the kid was staggering punch drunk on rubber legs.
Then Goliath swung back one massive fist in a great arc and
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| Mulevid was back on his big muscular ass once again. |
Mulevid was back on his big muscular ass once again. Suddenly the Jew-boy had thighs as big as mountains enveloping his body and pressing him down. He struggled desperately for breath and pushed vainly against the distending columns of muscle that wrapped around him. His head knocked against something enormous coiled under Goliath's loincloth. Mulevid was paralyzed by the huge legs that now were trying to crack his bones as if they were Passover Matzo crackers. The kid couldn't budge. So he used his sledgehammer fists to pound the rock hard legs, but only succeeded in bruising his hands until his knuckles bled. The Philistines cheered and the Hebrews watched in stunned silence.
Still as much as he flexed his mighty legs and as hard as he would strain, Goliath could not crush the resilient shepherd. Goliath marveled at the pressure Mulevid's fortress of a chest could resist. However he was confident in ultimately wearing the kid down.
Suddenly skidding around, Goliath flung himself on Mulevid, snaking his arms under and around Mulevid's head respectively, bending Mulevid's head forward and cramming it into the sand with a full nelson. The shepherd's thick dense traps fought back as he powered down his arms in an epic struggled against Goliath's rippling forearms. The Giant's legs extended out wide as he maneuvered to squash the squirming Hebrew into the sandy ground.
Mulevid could feel Goliath's fingers unlace behind his head as he finally powered out. Quick as a hare, Mulevid launched a series of rapid fire jabs into the Philistine's big stupid face.
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| The giant flipped Mulevid over and grabbed him. |
Before Mulevid could follow up with coup de grace punch, the Giant lunged forward as the kid was winding his fist back, and flipped him over and grabbed him. Suddenly jumping up, Goliath heaved him overhead into his signature closer: "The Gath Back Torment", revived 3100 years later by Lex Luger as "The Human Torture Rack".
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| The Gath Back Torment was Goliath's signature finishing move. |
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| The Judean was shown no mercy! |
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| "I guess this isn't our season after all boys, Mulevid is not looking so good!" |
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| "They are usually crying for their momma's at this point, why isn't this Jew-boy crying for his momma?" |
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| "Damn, did the kid just piss on me?" |
Goliath brought Mulevid up and down on his mile wide shoulders like the kid was a mere spear employed in morning calisthenics. Then shifting one hand to grab an iron grip on the lad's balls, he wrapped the other hand over Mulevid's head, and he started to bend him like an iron bar. Mulevid's spent back was straining with all the strength the kid had left against he Giant's arms and lats, but was clearly losing. The Philistines were rhythmically chanting: "Go-li-ath, Go-li-ath, Go-li-ath" as they prepared for their champion's foreordained triumph.
The rock hard creviced delts and traps of of Goliath unrelentingly punished Mulevid's muscles. But the kid could also feel the Giant's arms tremble wildly, "So there was a limit to Goliath's strength after all!" he thought.
Goliath as if reading the Hebrew's mind suddenly changed course, and with dizzying speed, he hurled Mulevid up and them slammed him down against his knee in the "Philistine backbreaker" closer that usually came a bit later in Goliath's signature finishing routine. Mulevid groaned in pain from the punishment of the backbreaker, as his hard muscles bent under the pressure. Goliath threw the shattered Hebrew off his knee like he was flicking off a dead sand fly, in a gesture of utter contempt.
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| "Go-li-ath, Go-li-ath, Go-li-ath" |
Goliath remained crouched as if thinking, then he rose his feet just as the bruised and battered shepherd was also beginning to rise. It dawned on Mulevid that the ogre of a Philistine while long on brawn was short on brains. He was growing confused by the Hebrew's continued resistance. The pinhead Goliath couldn't find a weak spot, and this was playing havoc with his limited brainpower. Yeah, he was strong enough to throw the kid around like a ragdoll, but Mulevid was proving to be tougher than he thought possible, and was taking everything he could dish out. The Giant was wearing down, while Mulevid was feeling his strength coming back as he caught a second wind. Goliath could see Mulevid's muscles pump up as blood flowed through them.
"My God is pumping my muscles back up...how is that Dagon working out for you, Philistine? Not so much, eh?" Mulevid mocked with Hebraic condescension.
"Amen, brother." cried out his Judean brethren, at last regaining some hope.
"At least my god has a NAME!" retorted Goliath
"Ours has a name, it just is to too cool for shule and unfit for profane Philistine tongues." Mulevid rejoined to the cheers of his homies.
"We shall see who worships the stronger god goatfucker, let's go again one on one in a test of strength. Dagon will back these magnificent muscles," he said with a double biceps flex. "and your punk-ass Hebrew god can back those puny swellings of yours!"
"Da-gon! Da-gon! Da-gon!" cried the Philistine scrubs behind Goliath. "Ad-on-oi! Ad-on-oi! Ad-on-oi!" chanted the Judeans behind Mulevid
Goliath put his hands up in the universal challenge to a test of strength. Mulevid accepted, and laced his fingers with the Philistine's. Their arms locked as each hand tried to crush the other to pulp.
Mulevid to the surprise of the Philistines and the delight of the Judeans gained a momentary advantage. The tide seemed to be turning in the Youth's favor as he slammed the Giant hard down on the ground. "Who da man, now? Who da man?" He said in colloquial Hebrew. The Giant gave the boastful Hebrew a powerful kick in the abs sending him back onto his ass. As they both struggled to their feet, the Philistine gave a delayed answer to Mulevid punctuated by an impressive double biceps flex. "I STILL am the man little boy, I STILL am the man!"
The Giant tried to pull the Israelite off his feet, but he remained rooted. Goliath knew that he would be shamed if he was seen to fail against this Israelite punk, a cut-cock fornicator of sheep, backed by a stupid nameless god, a god who didn't even have proper statues like a classy deity such as Dagon. If he could not beat a mere JUDEAN, than the crowd would turn on him and he would become a laughingstock throughout Philistia, if not the entire Levant. So with a burst of superhuman energy, he tried to force the shepherd to his knees.
Mulevid felt his knees strain and back bend under the onslaught, but instead of falling as Goliath expected, the Judean yanked the startled Giant forward. Goliath tried to let go but Mulevid held his hands tight and jerked him again, hard. In desperation, Goliath head butted the Hebrew, causing him to see stars and Mulevid let go and staggered back stargazing.
As Mulevid raised his hand to his throbbing discombobulated head, Goliath clasped both his massive hands to Mulevid's huge shotput bicep, and tried to crush it. The Hebrew just sneered and flexed his bicep.
Goliath squeezed the hardened muscle. Mulevid's bicep engorged, the bulging muscle forcing the powerful fingers off of the pumped peaks. Goliath immediately crushed back, and dragged the shepherd's arm around and put him into a chicken wing, using one knee to force his hand up and increasing the pressure on the Judean's iron hard muscle.
Pain blinded Mulevid for a moment but then instinct took over, and with a yell, he flipped Goliath up and on to his back swinging him around in a 360. No one had ever lifted Goliath off the ground before, and he whooped in surprise and near panic as he spun. The Hebrew staggered forward and flipped the behemoth down, then landing on top of him hard, so that both of the titans were seeing stars.
Mulevid was clearly as stunned as the Philistine he had dropped. As the muscle giants lay on the sand shaking their heads to clear the cobwebs, Goliath growled "I killed an elephant with my fist, boy..." Mulevid snarled back "Well I killed TWO of them..." although he wasn't sure what an elephant was....
Mulevid wrapped his arm around Goliath's head while the Hebrew tried to pull up the Philistine's leg with his other arm. The Giant gasped as he felt his massive leg actually pulled up by Mulevid's arm. His jaw dropped when he saw the Hebrew's bicep peak and saw the kid's forearm rival his leg with its dense river of sinew. Goliath cried out and strained visibly to lower his leg, But he couldn't overpower the shepherd's arm. Instead, the Giant used huge punches to the Judean's ribs to force Mulevid to release him. The hammer blows of the Philistine's gargantuan fists succeeded in tenderizing the Hebrew's arm-beef, forcing him to release his hold. Goliath shoved me away as he scrambled away from the Hebrew and back to his feet.
The spectators knew that Goliath was now desperate, and that knowledge burned into his proud, heretofore undefeated ego. There was fear in the giant's eyes. Something the Philistines had never seen before, and it was they who grew silent as the cheers of the Shepherd's fanbase intensified
The Giant charged, hammering a colossal fist into the youth's chest like a battering ram. Mulevid staggered back from the impact, but infused with adrenaline energy (or the power of God as he would have put it) he shook off the blow that would have felled a normal man. The Hebrew came back with a series of punches to Goliath's abs. Ignoring the pain to his fists from hitting the rock hard muscle, Mulevid 's pain was rewarded as he felt the Philistine's abs begin to quiver and give way under his relentless assault.
Goliath retaliated by slamming his fists down into the s back like a blacksmith hammering an anvil, but while Mulevid, hunched over into an old man crouch from the compelling impact, kept slamming away with his fists feeling the Giant's defenses beginning to weaken. "He will have to yield soon!" thought the Hebrew.
Goliath knew it too and with great force brought up his knee into Mulevid's abs which in the Hebrew's crouch were near parallel to the ground. He kneed the shepherd so hard in the abs that he sent the Judean peddling back until he hit some sort of square stone pillar all that remained from the ruins of some ancient Canaanite town. It was carved with the figures of long forgotten kings, and now further decorated with Mulevid's blood. It was about two feet thick and ten feet high. Goliath advanced on the stunned Shepherd, but as he threw a punch, Mulevid had recovered enough to duck, and the Colossus slammed his fist into the stone column instead, causing it to collapse into large stone blocks. The Judean could feel the shock waves as the pylon few apart and the Giant's arm made a resounding crack. The Colossus seemed like a ceramic jar that had tumbled and broken into shards. He hopped about holding out a shattered hand figuratively burning with excruciating brain-scrambling pain. Goliath's giant face looking even stupider and more oafish than usual.
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| A shattered hand, burning with pain |
While the Philistine was pre-occupied, Mulevid grabbed one of the huge blocks and shoved it into Goliath's chest, driving him back. He then hurled the huge stone block against the mountainous pecs of the Colossus in a shattering blow that sent the battered Goliath reeling.
The battered Giant reached down, and grabbed the offending stone block, lifting it high above his head. He threw the block at Mulevid. Instead of dodging or letting it hitting him, the Youth amazingly caught it, although the impact still forced him to stumble back and go down to one knee. Mulevid stood back up, the stone block overhead, and hurled it back at Goliath. The Giant held up both his arms and the solid rock block broke in half across his massive forearms, both halves plowing into the screaming spectators behind him.
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| The tide turns momentarily in Mulevid's favor! |
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| "Who da man, now? Who da man?" He said in colloquial Hebrew. |
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| The Philistine was down but not out |
Mulevid was clearly exhausted from his efforts and his body seem to sag as he faced his Philistine adversary. Goliath noticed this and while a moment before a ruin himself, was energized and charged crying. "Doom of Dagon!" Goliath arrived at the gape-mouthed Judean, raised his arms higher, to bring them down like giant hammers on the youth's sagging shoulders, the Philistine's face showing frustration, hatred, and rage. Just before they landed with a death blow, Mulevid came to life and moving with the speed of lightening caught both his opponent's wrists. The force still pushed Mulevid to both knees where where he glimpsed his foe was tenting his loin cloth with a nearly fully erect cock in all the proportion one would expect an seven foot quarter ton giant. Mulevid was distracted and frankly a bit titillated by the prodigious monument to masculine virility and power. This gave Goliath a chance, since the Judean was still holding the Philistine's wrists, to use Mulevid's own hold as leverage to pull the youth up off the ground. Mulevid let go, hoping to fall free, but the giant grabbed him, wrapping his arms around the youth and locking his wrists together behind the Hebrew's back.
Goliath held the lad aloft, his two feet dangling a foot off the ground, as he squeezed the shepherd in a devastating bearhug that crushed the hapless Hebrew deeply against the Philistine's cobblestone abs so that the Gathite's tectonic pecs swallowed the Judean's head. The Philistine drew a deep breath and flexed his entire torso so as to crush Mulevid's head between his twin mounds of nippled masculine power.
He ground Mulevid's body into his unyielding belly. Mulevid was tormented by the both crushing and smothering becoming light headed from the lack of air. Trapped in the bearhug and beginning to lose consciousness, the shepherd suddenly felt Goliath's massive cock fully engorge. It forced his legs apart as it rose, hard and thick. This Dick of Death was seeking the lad's Hebraic ass. It began forcing the shepherd's muscled ass cheeks apart, somehow being supernaturally guided to the panicking youth's quivering asshole, lubricating a path with pre cum as it mercilessly sought out its ripe target. The cockhead began its penetration wreaking havoc with Mulevid's virginal sphincter. His ass screamed with pain and outrage at the unspeakable violation. There was no way he would survive a full assault by that uncut monster cock. The Judean would clearly die on that impaling heathen uncircumcised ramrod; he would be ripped in half and literally fucked to death. Mulevid found his own prodigious fuckpole swelling at the excitement of the impending peril, driving a wedge between him and the Colossus allowing him a few gasps of much needed air.
Oily sweat drenched both Titans, with a fear of fatal Priapan impalement fueling a surge of power. Mulevid wrestled his arms free of Goliath's vise-like bearhug, although he still had the lad's body trapped in his massive arms. The Judean secured one of his own massive arms around Goliath's thick lower back, and flexed his bicep into iron shattering hardness. The shepherd pushed his other free hand up into the Philistine's colossal pectoral muscles. Nothing moved but a few vertebrae in Goliath's back. The Giant was breathing hard, gulping for breaths, straining hard to overcome Mulevid's surging power.
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| Sinew against sinew, the battle of the Titans raged |
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| Mulevid attempted to choke out the Philistine |
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| GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! |
The Judean's strength was stretched to the utmost resisting the bearhug but the Philistine's body simply grew harder than ever, his back barely caving inward from the shepherd's desperate exertions. His tough skull could feel Goliath's pecs begin to spasm. Both titans were tiring, but it was do or die for the Hebrew as he was the one still largely trapped in the Philistine's unrelenting embrace of arms and cock. He exploded every muscle as he fought his way free. Mulevid clenched his glutes tight around the cock trying to work its way to his asshole. It stemmed the deadly advance and gave the the shepherd a barrage of sensations, not all unpleasant.
Next he used his head to shove up against the living rock of quivering pec around his head. Goliath suddenly felt his back bend and yield under Mulevid's desperation strength. The Giant's eyes widened as he tried to resist but Mulevid bent him back even farther. The Judean ground Philistine cock with ass cheeks of iron as his own Hebraic fuckpole surged in size. The Philistine cock beat a hasty retreat, as Mulevid began to overcome the larger man head to toe, forcing him backward. The shepherd stretched the Giant backward over his knee, digging it into his giant back muscles as the routed Philistine yielded to the backbreaker, muscles failing, unable to resist and forced to accept their inevitable destruction. Goliath shook uncontrollably under the relentless, inexorable pressure generated by the Hebrew.
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| Goliath yielded to the backbreaker |
Slowly, ever so slowly, Mulevid's forced Goliath's once iron edifice of bone and sinew into rubbery submission. Goliath emitted a howl of outraged pain and bewilderment. Mulevid kept bending the Giant's mighty back until Goliath was almost bent double over his arm with deep penetration by the shepherd's knee. With a roar the youth made a final assault on Goliath. The Philistine shrieked and flailed. Finally his back caved and shattered. With a huge crack like a limb of a tree breaking, Goliath's spine snapped and his immense muscles quivered and seized. As Mulevid prepared to let go so that the broken Colossus could go TIMBER, like a axe-felled cedar in the mountains of Lebanon, JUST then a slingstone crashed into the forehead of the already pulverized and paralyzed Goliath, dousing whatever remaining embers of life still burned in the crumbling Colossus.
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| "No way am I going to let that cuckold-maker Mulevid get the glory for this!" |
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| The back of the Philistine was crumbling from the pressure. |
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| "Where's your Dagon now, you Philistine camelcock-sucker!" |
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| As Mulevid prepared to release the broken Goliath, a slingstone hit the Giant in the forehead |
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| punk-ass double-dealing David claimed that HE had killed Goliath with his sling |
The Philistine squad had meanwhile turned tail and fled, as Saul came up and with his royal sword cut off the head of Goliath. He then presented the trophy to the "man of the hour"...DAVID,
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| Saul presented the trophy to the "man of the hour"...DAVID |
and the Hebrews marched off carrying David on their shoulders in victorious triumph. Mulevid, with a WTF expression seemingly permanently etched in his face, slumped down on his exhausted ass in the sand, and wondered what posterity would make of all of this.
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| Mulevid had gone from HERO to ZERO |
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| !?מה לעזאזל , חבר ? מה לעזאזל (What the fuck, dudes? WHAT THE FUCK?!) |
Damn! Far better than anything I've read in the bible!
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