Vignette: Shrooms Girl

Newer visitors to this blog might not know this, but this is only the LATEST incarnation of my blog, I have been doing this Internet story-telling since the days in the Internet when folk were huddled around in"the fires" in IRC chat rooms via dial-up connections....good times...from time to time I bring back stories from earlier incarnations of my blog...haven't done it in a bit, so I thought I would treat you to one from back in my  Freshman year in college... I was a football player and swimming in pussy, more pussy than a spilled milk truck.

Kind of a long story...

I went to John's rave with Ron and Dave and met a new wave blonde babe with half of her head shaved.  She was a nurse's aid who came to get laid and was one of them kinky chicas who liked to be tied up with first aid tape and mock 'raped' on the first date.  We have all been there,done a kinky sloot like that, amIright?  

The name of this kinky sloot was Susan -- an ex-heroin addict who just stopped using who love booze and alternative music. Told me she was going back into using again.

Dave tells her: "Wait, first try this hallucinogen, it's better than heroin, the booze or the gin." Well I don't do that shit, but Susan being the crack whore  she was, grabbed the bag. When she did, I turned to Susan and said, "Let's find a empty room"...figuring I'd get her naked and then bang her like a screen door in a hurricane!

I don't trust you!

Then Susan said, "I don't trust you!" sounding like every chick in a porn movie before she fucks every which way, from Sunday. 

I was like, "Shut up slut! Chew up a mushroom. It'll help you get in touch with your roots. We'll get barefoot, butt-naked, and run in the woods." 

She decided to give in (big surprise, amIright?)  and said, "Oh hell, I might as well, this party's such a drag." 

Oh hell, I might as well...

Slooty Susan gobbled them all down like a Fat Kid inhaling Halloween cake....

Then I was like: "Oh dang I didn't mean for you to eat the whole damn bag!" 

We made out some, but after awhile started FLIPPPPPING OUT!!! 

Yo Sue, you o.k.?  --I asked

I tried to calm her down "Yo Sue, you o.k?"
She looked at me strangely like I was some sort of freak and said:  "Get away from me I don't know you!" 

Get away from me I don't know you!

I said, "Oh shoot she's tripping!" 

"I need to go puke." She claimed. Then started telling me about how her father sexually assaulted her as a kid. If I had a dollar for every sloot who told me  a similar  story... HMMMMMM maybe I need to find less damaged chicks...NAW... 


Your Mule is nothing if not highly empathetic: "I wasn't trying to turn this into something major. I just wanted to make you appreciate nature. Susan, stop crying I don't hate you! The world's not against you, I'm sorry your father raped you." I told her in an attempt to comfort her.

Susan, stop crying I don't hate you!

  "So what if you had your little poochie in your dad's mouth? That ain't no reason to start wiggin' and spaz out."  That course in psychology, I THOUGHT ABOUT taking, sure was paying off!

She said: "Help me, I think I'm having a seizure" 

I said: "Bitch, quit grabbing my t-shirt .... and will you calm down, your starting to scare me."  That was my favorite shirt, and she was being very inconsiderate about my emotional feeling getting me nervous and shit like that! I didn't sign up for this!

She said "I'm 26 years old and I'm not married, I don't even have any kids and I cant cook." 

Mule: "I'm over here Sue, your talking to the plant, look, see me? We need to get you to a hospital before its too late, cuz I never seen no-one eat as many 'shrooms as you ate."  Susan became distracted by something only she could see.  "Susan where you going, you better be careful!" I said showing the concern of a good Samaritan!

We need to get you to a hospital before its too late!

She said "Leave me alone Dad, I'm sick of getting my hair pulled."

Mule: "I'm not your dad, quit trying to swallow your tongue. Want some gum?.. put down the scissors before you do something dumb! I'll be right back, just chill baby please ! I gotta go find Dave, he's the one who knows about shrooms!"

I gotta go find Dave, he's the one who knows about shrooms!

So HEROICALLY I run out into the hallway and I find John talking to another friend of ours!

"John, stop yor yapping and tell me, where Dave;s at before I bash you!" I ask politely, but emphatically. 

Hes like:  "He's in the bathroom, I think hes taking a crap dude!" 

So I run upstairs to the bathroom and pound on the door, "Dave, pull up your pants, we need an ambulance ! There's a girl upstairs talking to plants, chopping her hair off. And there's only two days left of summer break, how long does it take for those 'shrooms to wear off?!?!"  I spluttered out in a confusingly jumble  in a shriek of panic.

He calmly says from behind the door, "Well it all depends on how many she had!" 

"She ate all 22 caps!" I hysterically explained to him. "Now shes upstairs crying out her eyeballs, drinking Lysol and shit!" 

Still calm he said:"She's gonna die dude, bummer." 

I really freaked out then and was like, "I know and its all my fault!" I was imagining how I would look in an orange jumpsuit.

Dave exited the bathroom a minute later, and still calm called 9-1-1. "Let me do the talking Mule, you can help best by keeping quiet."  And not for the first or the last time in my wild college escapades we called in the "amber lamps"!

She turned out to be ok but she was reeeeeeealy fucked up. She looked like she was POSSESSED and started puking like Linda Blair in The Exorcist...

I mumbled "May the power of Christ compel you!" and crossed myself, just in case!

...then she cried for like 7 hours straight, and then started to come down. It was a crazy fucking night. I don't think I'm ever giving 'shrooms to a girl again..