Story by Mule, Editing by Stefan
So I have been seeing (and by 'seeing' I mean banging) this hot chick that's an "Integrative Nutrition Health Coach", certified by The Institute for Integrative Nutrition, "the world's largest certifier of Integrative Nutrition Health Coaches", according to their website. Probably the only one, if I had to guess.
It all sounds as sketchy as fuck, but she paid a metric fuckton* of money to take a bunch of courses over the Internet and a fee for a license from them, so who am I to take a shit all over her dream. She is currently teaching yoga at the gym while waiting for her career as an Integrative Nutrition Coach to take off.
To make it up to her we meet up after the hunt and stay in this bed and breakfast that she found online. It was sort of like an upscale Bates Motel only with lace and candles and run by this couple that were like Mayberry's Aunt Bea and Floyd the Barber. The place looked deserted as fuck but they say they will be busy the following week because of Valentine's day. They have a small bar on the outside porch with a happy hour every evening, which is free (if that even makes sense). I am the only guy at the bar and having a Cherry Mt Dew and eating these olives fermented in what I imagine Windex tastes like when who other than Tony Horton from P90x fame comes wandering down from his room.
I instantly recognize him from those late night commercials, before I saw those, when Yoga Chick would prattle on about things and mention Tony Horton, I would confuse him with Tim Horton's and get hungry for things Tony would not approve of!
Well I was curious to meet him, as he is a sort of celebrity, and we start chatting about chit and he tells me that he and his wife are down looking at real estate and have been staying in this B&B and that's all he says about it...at least that I can remember.
Then the chick I am with joins us at the bar, Tony greets her by kissing the back of her hand and whispers in my ear "You're a lucky man , Mule. Meanwhile my slut goes all fan-girl and gets as moist as a 13 year old girl at a One Direction concert. Tony's wife then joins us. I get a Cougar-ish vibe off her.
Post-coital bliss, me and my slut look around this "quaint" town ("quaint" is apparently chick-speak for a place of dreary poverty and chock full of hillbillies). We have a pizza for dinner. I made a comment about the macros in PIZZA, and she thought I meant nachos so she got some of them too. I wondered a moment about her Integrative Nutritionist credentials, but she has that embossed paper certificate that she put in a nice frame, so it must be real.
The next thing there is a knock on the door while I'm balls deep in this bish. I jump up thinking it might be SWAT, or a fire or something, put on my jeans, try my best to hide my boner and slowly open the door and peek out to see Tony Horton standing there completely naked except for a towel around his waist. I could see Tony had a big boner under the towel.. I am a little uncomfortable with the salacious way he is looking my shirtless physique over...
Anyway, Tony says to me "Can I join in?" he waits for me to say something and I just look at him like WTF? and then Tony laughs and says "Just kidding man, it's none of my business what you're doing in there but can you keep the noise down as me and my wife are trying to sleep and we're in the room next door." I say "Sorry bro, my bad.." and go back to smashing puss, but keep it quiet as mice fucking in a wool sock, until me and my drunk slut fall asleep.
The next morning we go down to breakfast and Tony and his wife are having breakfast and I'm thinking that it's going to be awkward but they smile when we walk past and say "good morning" and that's it.
When we sit down at the table and order coffee I notice that Tony keeps looking at me which is making me paranoid, so I take off to the breakfast buffet and start stacking my plate with protein only for Horton to sneak up behind me and say "How's it going big guy?" I say: "Yeah, great... erm sorry about last night, brah..." Tony replies: "If I had a gf like that I'd have been making as much noise as you man.. she's fucking hot, dude..my wife isn't bad either huh?..." He seemed to be HETEROING a bit TOO hard...
Tony then walks past my table and says "You should have let me in last night man it would have been fun" and winks at me, then says "Are you guys staying here tonight?.. if so we'll maybe see you at the bar at happy hour?" ... I say "Yeah, OK, cool..."
Just another weird romantical encounter in the life of YOUR MULE...
I bet you are thinking the world of yoga and the world of Mule are not something you will think of intersecting...
But firstly, consider two words: YOGA PANTS! Secondly, the world of Mule and of Yoga intersect in other less overtly sexual ways!!!!! The Mulish world of VIOLENCE can collide with the normally non-violent YOGA world...
For further reading on the Institute for Integrative Nutrition please see: https://www.credentialwatch.org/reports/iin.shtml
*METRIC CONVERSION:
Metric Fuckton: More properly, "Metric Fucktonne." The Fuckton is the Imperial standard for the measurement of fuckweight, while the Fucktonne, in contrast, constitutes the Metric measure of fuckmass. There are 10 shitloads per metric fucktonne. In Imperial measurements, it's about 66/7 shitloads per fucktonne. Most people prefer to use metric. If you're not familiar with this conversion system, there's no need to be embarrassed.
*Black Hawk Down*
The act of strapping your sex partner's arms to a ceiling fan, laying underneath them with your dick in their orifice, and turning the fan on so they spin around on your dick. Usually accompanied by helicopter sound effects.
Her ass looks great in Yoga pants, which is how I came to meet her.
Anyways, she and I have been "integrating" a couple of times a week on the regular, for a while now but then she got all butt-hurt cause I went off hunting with the guys for a week.
To make it up to her we meet up after the hunt and stay in this bed and breakfast that she found online. It was sort of like an upscale Bates Motel only with lace and candles and run by this couple that were like Mayberry's Aunt Bea and Floyd the Barber. The place looked deserted as fuck but they say they will be busy the following week because of Valentine's day. They have a small bar on the outside porch with a happy hour every evening, which is free (if that even makes sense). I am the only guy at the bar and having a Cherry Mt Dew and eating these olives fermented in what I imagine Windex tastes like when who other than Tony Horton from P90x fame comes wandering down from his room.
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| Tony Horton: Fitness Guru |
I instantly recognize him from those late night commercials, before I saw those, when Yoga Chick would prattle on about things and mention Tony Horton, I would confuse him with Tim Horton's and get hungry for things Tony would not approve of!
Well I was curious to meet him, as he is a sort of celebrity, and we start chatting about chit and he tells me that he and his wife are down looking at real estate and have been staying in this B&B and that's all he says about it...at least that I can remember.
Then the chick I am with joins us at the bar, Tony greets her by kissing the back of her hand and whispers in my ear "You're a lucky man , Mule. Meanwhile my slut goes all fan-girl and gets as moist as a 13 year old girl at a One Direction concert. Tony's wife then joins us. I get a Cougar-ish vibe off her.
 |
I'm sure the wifey was hot in her prime but she's about 5 years past her expiration date, knowhatimean? Of course she was still a catch for a guy that was an open homosexual before he met Shawna and had a Road to Damascus moment switching to the straight and narrow...come to think of it...Tony had a bit of a cougarish look to him directed at me, so I hazard that the 60 year old was not as de-converted from Fabulousism, as he would like all to believe. We all have a drink and his wife and my chick talked about yoga and chit. Anyway they say "Bye, maybe see you about" and go their separate ways. My "ambassador of health and wellness" regular, was very excited about meeting him, which meant of course an opportunity for me to take her back to our room and fuck her brains out, as she was giddy and happy, which to me SCREAMED... HIGHLY RECEPTIVE, and I am never one to let an opportunity pass.
 |
| First, let me post about meeting Tony on my Instagram.... |
Post-coital bliss, me and my slut look around this "quaint" town ("quaint" is apparently chick-speak for a place of dreary poverty and chock full of hillbillies). We have a pizza for dinner. I made a comment about the macros in PIZZA, and she thought I meant nachos so she got some of them too. I wondered a moment about her Integrative Nutritionist credentials, but she has that embossed paper certificate that she put in a nice frame, so it must be real.
She drank a bottle of wine and I had another Mt. Dew. We end up getting back to our room at the B&B late. All evening she was popping these pills like they were Pez. She said they were "muscle relaxers". I asked her if she had pulled a muscle 'cause I know some good things for that, but she explains no, she's fine, she just takes like six of them a day because "she needs to be limber for her job." Well she is a yoga instructor so I guess that makes sense although I am pretty sure muscle relaxers don't work like that and also say right on the Rx bottle not to take them and drink alcohol, must less wash them down with it. But since she carries the muscle relaxers around in a Pez dispenser instead of a Rx bottle I really can't check on that at the moment.
Anyway, she drank a bottle of wine and took like 3 Tizanidine, so she's pretty drunk and really loopy and keeps saying how horny she is. She says she wants to do the Black Hawk Down* again but I explain to her I didn't bring the bungee cords and we don't have a ceiling fan in the room so no can do, baby. She is so fucked-up from the pills and alcohol that I basically have to carry her back to the room.
Once back in the room we start having sex. I'm making dat bish do downward dog, while I fifer scissors her ass, and it's getting a bit loud because she's drunk and I got a big dick so the bitch sounds like a pregnant seal giving birth...
Once back in the room we start having sex. I'm making dat bish do downward dog, while I fifer scissors her ass, and it's getting a bit loud because she's drunk and I got a big dick so the bitch sounds like a pregnant seal giving birth...
The next thing there is a knock on the door while I'm balls deep in this bish. I jump up thinking it might be SWAT, or a fire or something, put on my jeans, try my best to hide my boner and slowly open the door and peek out to see Tony Horton standing there completely naked except for a towel around his waist. I could see Tony had a big boner under the towel.. I am a little uncomfortable with the salacious way he is looking my shirtless physique over...
Anyway, Tony says to me "Can I join in?" he waits for me to say something and I just look at him like WTF? and then Tony laughs and says "Just kidding man, it's none of my business what you're doing in there but can you keep the noise down as me and my wife are trying to sleep and we're in the room next door." I say "Sorry bro, my bad.." and go back to smashing puss, but keep it quiet as mice fucking in a wool sock, until me and my drunk slut fall asleep.
The next morning we go down to breakfast and Tony and his wife are having breakfast and I'm thinking that it's going to be awkward but they smile when we walk past and say "good morning" and that's it.
When we sit down at the table and order coffee I notice that Tony keeps looking at me which is making me paranoid, so I take off to the breakfast buffet and start stacking my plate with protein only for Horton to sneak up behind me and say "How's it going big guy?" I say: "Yeah, great... erm sorry about last night, brah..." Tony replies: "If I had a gf like that I'd have been making as much noise as you man.. she's fucking hot, dude..my wife isn't bad either huh?..." He seemed to be HETEROING a bit TOO hard...
I awkwardly laugh and Tony looks at my protein plate and gives a disapproving sniff, as only Vegans can, so already feeling awkward and not wanting to hear about the dangers of meat, I take off to fill up another plate at the pancake section. Tony basically follows me and says "Do you know what my wife calls me?"
I guess: "Ummm...Tony the Homo?" Tony ignores my answer, smiles and says "Ten inch Tony"... I just give a nervous laugh and take off at high speed to my table carrying the loaded plates as deftly as a pro-waiter. I do think about the irony of Tony putting his kielbasa in his vegan wife's mouth...
I guess: "Ummm...Tony the Homo?" Tony ignores my answer, smiles and says "Ten inch Tony"... I just give a nervous laugh and take off at high speed to my table carrying the loaded plates as deftly as a pro-waiter. I do think about the irony of Tony putting his kielbasa in his vegan wife's mouth...
Tony then walks past my table and says "You should have let me in last night man it would have been fun" and winks at me, then says "Are you guys staying here tonight?.. if so we'll maybe see you at the bar at happy hour?" ... I say "Yeah, OK, cool..."
 |
| You should have let me in last night man it would have been fun |
Anyway I googled Horton and he's 60, and then I discover the info on his five decades as a gay man, so I begin to think he may be jonesing less for my 24 year old yoga instructor, and more for this 31 year old Mule... fuck ME! Oh perhaps, a poor choice of words... lol.
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| ~Meanwhile, next door in Tony "Homo" Horton's room...The Plot and something else thickens~ |
We made sure to be out of the place till real late that night, so not to bump into him again. I dump the now unconscious chick into the bed. I guess I'm not getting anymore tonight. Her ass looked amazing and I really was tempted to just jam my dick in her hot ass or between those sweet lips of hers but I wanted her to be awake for that.
My head hit the pillow. Then it started. The nonstop moaning, groaning, screaming, and banging from the other side of the wall were unreal. I spent an hour staring wide eyed at the ceiling in our bedroom listening to sex
"Please, baby...ugh...not so deep..." the wifey's voice was barely audible over the noise of her being mauled. The sounds of mating only increased. Tony's animal grunting was now even more pronounced. I could picture Tony's smile as he no doubt put every ounce of his gym muscles to work
nailing his wife. Tony was making her beg.
My dick was rock hard. I couldn't stop
myself from rubbing one out. As I stroked my cock I imagined Tony's bulging biceps wrapped around her while his smooth, hairless buttocks are thrusting deep inside her. Her hands gliding over his chiseled face down his neck to fantastic large traps protruding from his shoulders before running her hand down over his chest that's glistening with sweat. Finally grazing her finger tips over his rippling abdominal's so taut and tight she orgasms simply at the touch.
I had been fapping in sync with their sex session. When it goes silent for about 2 minutes or so this is when I envision as the moment he has pulled out of her and is busting a massive load of cum all over her face, eyes, and hair. I time came as well. Almost as if I'm cumming with him.
I slipped into a deep sleep to the sound of wifey begging "Ten-inch Tony" for a break.
I ended up on my knees, starting at his magnificent bulge. With out thinking about it I leaned forward and hugged Tony's thigh, pushing my face into the bulge and nuzzled my mouth against the hard length under the thin cotton of his boxers. The scent of the late-night fitness guru's crotch was musky pungent and overwhelming. I clamped my lips down on the hard length of flesh outlined in the tight fabric and sucked.
Tony let out a growl, his hands coming down to the back of my head and pushing me into his cock. He thrust his hips forward, crushing my ace into his crotch.
I released Tony's cock. His cock was long, thick and veined, with a wide base and an even wider head., It was ten inches, just as promised., Grabbing the length by the base, my fingers wrapped the thick tumescence, and bobbed my head froward to take the tip into my mouth. The taste exploded on my tongue.
Tony's knees almost buckled, and I found myself pushed back as big Tony spread his legs wide and braced himself with both
hands on the against the wall behind me and fucked my mouth. His other hand came down to press against the back of my head, holding me in place. My jaw ached as I stretched my mouth wide to accommodate the enormous cock. Tony tried to push his way down my throat. Dropping my grip on Tony's meaty thighs, I reached down and wrapped my fingers around my own cock and started jerking myself off. My cock was leaking pre-cum and my hand slid up and down its girthy nine-inch length without fiction.
"Come on , take it!" Tony snarled as he shifted his angle and with a powerful push of his muscled glutes sank his thick ten inches in until he was balls deep. I was deep throating the monster cock now shoved down my gullet. Tony's pubes were tickling my nose as I jerked myself off furiously and my lungs screamed for air. Holding his entire cock down in place, Tony used the muscles in my throat to work his cock like my throat was his own personal fleshlight.
I was getting lightheaded and near the point of passing out when everything came together like a bolt of lightening and Tony shot his load. At the same moment, Tony pulled his cock back until just the head was in my mouth. It was like a hose going o in my mouth. Like a super soaker set to
maximum drenching capability, Tony's bull nuts were sucked way up inside his
sack as his love gun fired as a cumload big enough fill a kiddie pool. Thick gooey cum-ropes shot into my mouth, forcing me to swallow or drown. When the torrent finally ended I slumped back against the wall behind me, cum leaking from the corner of my mouth. Both Tony and I were breathing hard like we had just run a marathon.
Tony slid his deflating (but still huge) dong from my mouth and stood looking triumphant, with a shit-eating grin. And just like that, without saying a word, he turned around and strolled back down the hallway to his room next door. I sat there on my ass on the floor, in a daze.
After we get back home to Dallas my chick added Horton on Facebook and bought P90X supposedly for the yoga video or some chit. Now I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have told her what Tony said about his wife calling him "Ten-Inch Tony". Tony keeps sending me FB friend requests, but I keep deleting them.
My head hit the pillow. Then it started. The nonstop moaning, groaning, screaming, and banging from the other side of the wall were unreal. I spent an hour staring wide eyed at the ceiling in our bedroom listening to sex
"Please, baby...ugh...not so deep..." the wifey's voice was barely audible over the noise of her being mauled. The sounds of mating only increased. Tony's animal grunting was now even more pronounced. I could picture Tony's smile as he no doubt put every ounce of his gym muscles to work
nailing his wife. Tony was making her beg.
myself from rubbing one out. As I stroked my cock I imagined Tony's bulging biceps wrapped around her while his smooth, hairless buttocks are thrusting deep inside her. Her hands gliding over his chiseled face down his neck to fantastic large traps protruding from his shoulders before running her hand down over his chest that's glistening with sweat. Finally grazing her finger tips over his rippling abdominal's so taut and tight she orgasms simply at the touch.
I had been fapping in sync with their sex session. When it goes silent for about 2 minutes or so this is when I envision as the moment he has pulled out of her and is busting a massive load of cum all over her face, eyes, and hair. I time came as well. Almost as if I'm cumming with him.
I slipped into a deep sleep to the sound of wifey begging "Ten-inch Tony" for a break.
I hadn't been asleep for more than 15 minutes when there was I loud knocking at the door. Fuck! I grabbed a pillow to wipe my sticky hand on and to hide my rock hard cock behind as I lumber to the door barely awake, naked except for the pillow I am holding in front of me. When I open the door there is Tony, standing in just a pair of boxers. Well, I dunno if standing is a descriptive enough word. He was almost posing his sculpted torso for me. I couldn't help but let my eyes move up and down the man's amazing body. Bulging biceps, trim waist and muscular thighs. I guess he was use to people ogling his body. His powerful cross-fit body-builder's physique bulged in all the right places. His boxers bulged impressively too. He was checking out my powerfully muscular body and liked what he saw. My shoulders were as almost as wide as the door.
"I hope we didn't keep you up tonight." Tony said with a sly grin. His hands moved to the mound in his boxers and made an exaggerated show of idly scratching his nuts.
My eyes couldn't resist the resist the reflex to follow his hand for a split second. All I
did was shrug. It was certainly a big mound. But I from all the noise I had heard. His bitch was screaming like she was taking a baseball bat up her cunt. Now his hands were just cupping his crotch. From the corner of my vision I saw the mound moving and expanding. He adjusted the mound again and it was clear that the fly of his boxers was now gaping open. He took
two slow steps and was now a foot away from me, invading my personal space while locking his eyes to mine with an intense look in his eyes.
After holding my gaze almost a full minute his hands released his crotch and a quick glance down confirmed that he was nearly fully erect. My eyes widened but I stayed silent and stoic.
At this point I didn't worry about trying not to look. It was obvious he wanted me. One of his hands started to move back towards his crotch but all he did was cup and lift his nuts a bit. This caused more of his junk to be visible through the gaping fly of his boxers. I could see the thick base of his dick surrounded by buzzed down pubes. The outline of his straining shaft pointing along the right side of crotch, ready to tear out of the boxers. My eyes started to follow up along it's length to the head but my eyes suddenly lost focus. It took me a second to realize why -- a very intoxicating smell. I loudly took a deep breath to capture more of
it. My eyes popped open and up to Tony when it hit me what I was smelling. That was the smell of Tony and his bitch's sex. His shit-eating grin only confirmed it. The smell of his cum mixed with her pussy juice. Cum, pussy juice, piss, cock cheese, sweat and testosterone. The intoxicating smell of humans rutting like animals and of a female in heat! The scent hit me like a punch to the gut.
I dropped the pillow I had been holding in front of my waist since I answered the door. 'Fucking hell Mule, you're hung like a fucking horse!' Tony gasped when he saw my cock for the first time. I cast my eyes downward towards Tony's waist and replied "you're packing a Clydesdale-sized horse cock yourself!' in an almost indifferent tone. We both felt our big cocks grow long and hard, and our balls fill and thicken. Tony's lips turned upward in a smug grin as he stepped forward. There were just inches separating us now and we could feel the heat from each other's body on our skin.
Tony grabbed me roughly, pinning my arms against my sides and bear hugging me. Forcing me backward, he shoved my broad back hard against the door with a loud bang. My initial grunt of shock quickly turned into groans. Tony was leaning into me using his massive chest to pin me against the wall, grunting as he inhaled my scent. Opening his mouth he stuck out his tongue and licked a broad stripe up my throat. I shuttered as my head pushed back and I moaned.
Then Tony firmly grabbed hold of my wrists and pried them over my head and against the wall. Tony now had me pinned against the wall. "This is your lucky day, Mule! You’re going to get to suck celebrity cock tonight, mother fucker!” Tony chuckled.
My hands slid down Tony’s muscled, narrow lower back and I dug my fingers hungrily into the powerful mounds of muscle of Tony's ass. The next moment, I gasped in shock as Tony snapped his long arms around my waist, locked his fists together against the small of my back, and lifted my feet off the floor with his breathtaking bearhug. I was astonished by his strength. Our cocks were both fully erect and grinding against each other as Tony stepped slowly into the dark hall with the me suspended in his crushing embrace. Abruptly, Tony swung to the left, sending the my upper back crashing with a bang into the nearby wall.
I ended up on my knees, starting at his magnificent bulge. With out thinking about it I leaned forward and hugged Tony's thigh, pushing my face into the bulge and nuzzled my mouth against the hard length under the thin cotton of his boxers. The scent of the late-night fitness guru's crotch was musky pungent and overwhelming. I clamped my lips down on the hard length of flesh outlined in the tight fabric and sucked.
Tony let out a growl, his hands coming down to the back of my head and pushing me into his cock. He thrust his hips forward, crushing my ace into his crotch.
I released Tony's cock. His cock was long, thick and veined, with a wide base and an even wider head., It was ten inches, just as promised., Grabbing the length by the base, my fingers wrapped the thick tumescence, and bobbed my head froward to take the tip into my mouth. The taste exploded on my tongue.
Tony's knees almost buckled, and I found myself pushed back as big Tony spread his legs wide and braced himself with both
hands on the against the wall behind me and fucked my mouth. His other hand came down to press against the back of my head, holding me in place. My jaw ached as I stretched my mouth wide to accommodate the enormous cock. Tony tried to push his way down my throat. Dropping my grip on Tony's meaty thighs, I reached down and wrapped my fingers around my own cock and started jerking myself off. My cock was leaking pre-cum and my hand slid up and down its girthy nine-inch length without fiction.
"Come on , take it!" Tony snarled as he shifted his angle and with a powerful push of his muscled glutes sank his thick ten inches in until he was balls deep. I was deep throating the monster cock now shoved down my gullet. Tony's pubes were tickling my nose as I jerked myself off furiously and my lungs screamed for air. Holding his entire cock down in place, Tony used the muscles in my throat to work his cock like my throat was his own personal fleshlight.
I was getting lightheaded and near the point of passing out when everything came together like a bolt of lightening and Tony shot his load. At the same moment, Tony pulled his cock back until just the head was in my mouth. It was like a hose going o in my mouth. Like a super soaker set to
maximum drenching capability, Tony's bull nuts were sucked way up inside his
sack as his love gun fired as a cumload big enough fill a kiddie pool. Thick gooey cum-ropes shot into my mouth, forcing me to swallow or drown. When the torrent finally ended I slumped back against the wall behind me, cum leaking from the corner of my mouth. Both Tony and I were breathing hard like we had just run a marathon.
After we get back home to Dallas my chick added Horton on Facebook and bought P90X supposedly for the yoga video or some chit. Now I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have told her what Tony said about his wife calling him "Ten-Inch Tony". Tony keeps sending me FB friend requests, but I keep deleting them.
 |
| Ten-inch Tony is what she calls me...think about it Mule, I could please you AND your girlfriend...I am VERY flexible... |
Just another weird romantical encounter in the life of YOUR MULE...
I bet you are thinking the world of yoga and the world of Mule are not something you will think of intersecting...
But firstly, consider two words: YOGA PANTS! Secondly, the world of Mule and of Yoga intersect in other less overtly sexual ways!!!!! The Mulish world of VIOLENCE can collide with the normally non-violent YOGA world...
 |
| I keep having my Yoga bish repeatedly demonstrate this as yoga practice, then doggie-style her, she falls for it like Charlie Brown falls for Lucy's trick with the Football! |
 |
| I have been pretzeled that way in a fight, but never willingly done it on my own, for the Mule body to bend like this requires the application of a vise-like outside force and excruciating pain... |
 |
| One of my Dallas BJJ sparring partners, Dave, asked me if I ever noticed how martial arts were not all that different from gay porn, I dismissed the notion, and wondered about Dave's browser history...but in truth, the connection is frequently made on this blog in literary form... |
 |
| Ummmm.....how about NOOOOOOOO!!!!! |
 |
| That is more like it! |
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| Are you not entertained? |
For further reading on the Institute for Integrative Nutrition please see: https://www.credentialwatch.org/reports/iin.shtml
*METRIC CONVERSION:
Metric Fuckton: More properly, "Metric Fucktonne." The Fuckton is the Imperial standard for the measurement of fuckweight, while the Fucktonne, in contrast, constitutes the Metric measure of fuckmass. There are 10 shitloads per metric fucktonne. In Imperial measurements, it's about 66/7 shitloads per fucktonne. Most people prefer to use metric. If you're not familiar with this conversion system, there's no need to be embarrassed.
*Black Hawk Down*
The act of strapping your sex partner's arms to a ceiling fan, laying underneath them with your dick in their orifice, and turning the fan on so they spin around on your dick. Usually accompanied by helicopter sound effects.
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Mule's Blog, it's authors and contributors, are not responsible for misuse, accident, lightning, flood, hail storm, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, avalanche, earthquake or tremor, hurricane, solar activity, meteorite strike, nearby supernova and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper or unauthorized use, incorrect line voltage, unauthorized use, typographical errors, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, microwave ovens or mobile phones, sonic boom vibrations, ionizing radiation, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, disk failure, accidental file deletions, mud slides, forest fire, riots or other civil unrest, acts of terrorism or war, whether declared or not, explosive devices or projectiles (which can include, but may not be limited to, arrows, crossbow bolts, air gun pellets, bullets, shot, cannon balls, BBs, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, ICBMs, or emissions of electromagnetic radiation such as radio waves, microwaves, infra-red radiation, visible light, UV, X-rays, alpha, beta and gamma rays, neutrons, neutrinos, positrons, N-rays, knives, stones, bricks, spit-wads, spears, javelins etc.). Other restrictions may apply. Breach of these conditions is likely to cause unquantifiable loss that may not be capable of remedy by the payment of damages.
This supersedes all previous disclaimers.
The events of Mule's Blog take place in an alternative universe where people, places and things are different than on our earth. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. The information contained herein has been obtained from sources believed to be reliable. However, no warranty as to the accuracy, completeness or adequacy of such information is implied. No liability is accepted for errors, omissions or inadequacies in the information contained herein or for interpretations thereof. The opinions expressed herein are subject to change without notice.
No representation or warranty, express or implied, with respect to the completeness, accuracy, fitness for a particular purpose, or utility of these materials or any information or opinion contained herein. Actual mileage may vary. All characters are over 18 years of age. No animals were harmed during the production of this post. This post is for entertainment purposes only. Some assembly may be required. Batteries not included. No user-serviceable parts inside. Do not eat. Not a toy.
Consult your physician before using. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. One size fits all. Beware of the dog. No purchase necessary. Not for children under 18. The trademarks mentioned in this post appear for parody and satirical entertainment purposes only. Subject to change without notice. Slippery when wet. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. For entertainment use only. No Canadian coins. This is not an offer to sell securities.
Must be 18 years or older. Read at your own risk. Do not read while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Use only in well-ventilated area. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue use and consult your doctor or pharmacist. Please remain seated until the web page has come to a complete stop. Do not look directly into light. Pregnant women and the elderly should avoid prolonged exposure to this Blog. May contain nuts. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear.
Do not use this product if you have high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, thyroid disease, asthma, glaucoma, or difficulty in urination without first consulting your medical provider. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not play your headset at high volume. Discontinue use of this product and consult a medical professional if any of the following occurs: itching, aching, vertigo, dizziness, ringing in your ears, vomiting, giddiness, aural or visual hallucinations, tingling in extremities, loss of balance or coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, drowsiness, insomnia, profuse sweating, shivering, erections that last longer than four hours, or heart palpitations.
Mule's Blog, it's authors and contributors, are not responsible for misuse, accident, lightning, flood, hail storm, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, avalanche, earthquake or tremor, hurricane, solar activity, meteorite strike, nearby supernova and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper or unauthorized use, incorrect line voltage, unauthorized use, typographical errors, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, microwave ovens or mobile phones, sonic boom vibrations, ionizing radiation, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, disk failure, accidental file deletions, mud slides, forest fire, riots or other civil unrest, acts of terrorism or war, whether declared or not, explosive devices or projectiles (which can include, but may not be limited to, arrows, crossbow bolts, air gun pellets, bullets, shot, cannon balls, BBs, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, ICBMs, or emissions of electromagnetic radiation such as radio waves, microwaves, infra-red radiation, visible light, UV, X-rays, alpha, beta and gamma rays, neutrons, neutrinos, positrons, N-rays, knives, stones, bricks, spit-wads, spears, javelins etc.). Other restrictions may apply. Breach of these conditions is likely to cause unquantifiable loss that may not be capable of remedy by the payment of damages.
This supersedes all previous disclaimers.
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