Sunday, March 17, 2019

St Patrick's Day



Look,  there's a new  post on Mule's Blog!





Story by Mule, edits by Stefan McEdits and art by Artist O'Braugh 







Mule chewing the fat with his buddies at Dooley's, an Irish bar on Magazine Street, in New Orleans Irish Channel on St Patrick's Day



We sure missed you, Mule-bro, what does Dallas have you
 can't get here?
A lower crime rate, a bigger house I can afford and a high
paying sports lawyer job!
O.K. besides those minor details...

No sluts...unless you suck my dick!
Say what?
Management rules!
Doesn't seem legit, but okay!

Okay, I gave you the blow job, now can I go in?

I like your skills, I get off at 2am and know a much more
 fun place, wanna meet me there?


So what do you exactly do at your job?

Protect very stupid people from themselves and their
imbecilic impulses!

YOU, as the voice of reason?  Sounds dangerous for your
clients...

You don't realize how stupid my clients can be, not just the
 players, but also the owners...

Do you have any wrestlers as clients?

Alas no, that is more the purview of entertainment lawyers...
Isn't Sports also entertainment?
Yeah...but Sports are not scripted...

Everything all right, hon?  Can I get you anything else?

Can I get something...OFF the menu?

You can order anything you want, Cher...but whether you get
delivery all depends on who you are, and how you ask!

What can a guy like me get?
Well honey, you can can a fresh order of LOST.

🎵 Oh Danny Boy, you're going home alone tonight, oh Danny
 boy your date again will be your hand...🎵

Now don't be that way darlin'!

Cover charge?  I don't have any cash, girls don't pay for drinks,
at least not hot chicks like me!
 I think we can work something out...
Since when has there been a cover charge here?
Since you came up, wearing that and looking so hot!

New Orleans, where us rats eat well!

Did I ever tell you my story about my adventure with a
Phantom Mare?
No, Mule, what happened?

Mule and Pa are engaged in a wide ranging discussion touching on many issues. Well, Mule was actually doing all of the talking. But that was understandable, Pa was a simple Amish farmer, while Mule has self education on many topics by watching a lot of YouTube videos. Mule holds many opinions, but as he is quick to tell you, it's hard enough just remembering my opinions, I can't be expected to remember the reasons for them too.  And as Mule has said on many occasions, Education is important, but sometimes big biceps are importanter!


...so these two thugs think they tough shit, mouthin' off at my 
strong-assed self.  I'm like *fuk this shit, and start crackin'
 skulls. I hit one and he went down like a sack o' shot, other guy
 tries pussyin' out and shit sayin' how it weren't his fault. I 
don't give a fuk,  the mofos be hollerin' sayin' this guys got a 
gun, he then pulls it out and shoots me.  Luckily, my jacked 
muscle fibers stopped the bullet, turns out I got bulletproof 
skin or some shit. I knock him the fuk out then go on with my
 daily business...

...a man can build a thousand bridges and suck one cock, he
 will always be known as a cocksucker... I found out he was gay
 when I was once doing him in the butt, and he turned around 
and tried to kiss me. I was like: 'WTF man that's fucking gay, 
don't try to kiss me you homo!' Then after I finished inside of 
his anus, got dressed and left, I felt disgusted thinking how 
close I had come to having a homosexual experience...

...We need to domesticate new animals seriously. I'm sick of all
this cat and dog chit. We got a million fucking animals running
 around just being useless as fuk. We should tame mooses and
weasels n' chit. Would be dope as fuk to walk a wolverine down
 the street. Or if you have a big pool you can have a pet seal and
 feed it clams and teach it tricks. Imagine getting a pet dolphin
 and going scuba diving with it? Man, that would be fun as fuk...

Can you play something LOUD to drown out all the stupid crap
 that big meathead is spewing?  

Maybe I can "accidently" drop this barrel on Mule's head to 
shut him up for a few minutes

.... woman like big schlongs it a fact! Women can have children 
come out of their vag, so how you meant to please them with a 
small penis! It's useless bro, they like bigger penis period!  It 
doesn't matter if its on a short man, or big man. they just like 
huge cocks.... 

...I'm A Murican and I hate the French!
 I hate every Jerry Lewis loving, Street Corner Miming, 
Baguette eating, effete culture snobbish one of them...
But isn't that weird, given you are of French ancestry, Mule?
Don't be using logic when I am being A MURICAN 
CHAUVINIST err I mean PATRIOT!!

Squats give me a really nice ass that girls love! But it is hard to
 find jeans that fit when you have big-ass horse quads.  I do
deadlifts for two reasons"  1. to be able to lift cars off people in
 the event that I need to. Saving someone by doing this, will
definitely impress the chicks. 2. intimidate other males and let
them know that I  rule the gym...

'Never Back Down' inspired me to be a UFC fighter.  On the 
way out of the theater some punk spilled root beer on my Tapout
 shirt, so I kicked over his wheelchair and choked him out...

So, I threw the money on the bed
and I said to her father.....

In the Office, the night manager shows the boys the security system he's rigged up that that monitors the garbage area and plays it on his iPad.  But first the boys check out some Porn...


The wifi is really fast in here!

What's this? Super Sexy Security Man, Andre Rambeaux , has been set upon by a group of girls on a Hen (Bachelorette) Night.  The chicks don't call him "Randy Andre" for nothing. 

Vat is this Porn hub, Mule keeps talking about? asks Pa,
bored with the surveillance...

Do they have midget Amish Porn? I ask, Not that I am into that,
 just curious and it might be very edumucational for Pa!

Wait your turn, I get to pick and I want Horny White Milfs 
Who Crave BBC!

It is the MAN that makes the UNIFORM.

WOW, take a look at that?  Who would've guessed there really 
was a genre of Midget Amish Porn?

We do NOT treat our horses that way in Amish Country, this is
 a lie!  Snarled Pa! I thought we were going to see Andre on this
 infernal device! 

Wait, you can tie into the security cams WHILE playing porn in 
the corner with this machine?  Is that Andre?

Damn, he must LOVE his job!

Damn those sloots are down right exhibitionists! This is as good
as Porn Hub!



Paddy's Day - Hen night !

Things get out of hand with the horny young "ladies" who are very taken with 
Andre Rambeaux's  muscles and hairy chest. Initially overwhelmed, Andre recovers his "equilibrium".  He has a job to do and he LOVES his job!


Hen's Night ...Sloots on Parade!

I need to search you girls for weapons, there is a heightened
security level after New Zealand!

C'mon is all this strictly necessary?

I am afraid it is ma'am, we can't take chance, it is my job to
keep you all safe!

For those who resist, a full body cavity search might be
required...

What about those who WANT a full body cavity search??,
said the tranny looking one!

You don't look like a terrorist, but some of your friends look
VERY SUSPICIOUS!

What about ME, Muscles, do I look suspicious?

Very suspicious, I am going to have to thoroughly investigate
your...um credentials...and make sure you are not smuggling
and weapons or other contraband!

Like damn girl, you sure is fine. Hey baby, I noticed you
 noticing me; so, I just want to put you on notice that I
 noticed you too.

Working the door at the bar was a dream job for Andre Rambeaux. He was a natural at attracting girls who are unstable in the head, and feel they need a massive guy for protection. The 21 year old muscle stud had a 'god-tier chadonis slayer' physique. In his black size 15, steel toed, boots, tight blue security uniform slacks, and blue form fitting uniform shirt he looked magnificent. At 6’ 2” tall and weighing in at 225 solid pounds of young lean muscle, with his square chin, broad shoulders, and massive 48" chest, and narrow 32" waist, he struck of a striking figure, and the rest of Andre is as firm and tight, even his bubble butt. His abs poke through his tight uniform shirt and his 18-inch guns filled out his uniform sleeves, as did his 27" legs.  He was still a probationary employee though. He had applied for this bouncer job three months before, as soon as he had turned 21 years old. At his previous job as a bread stick artist at Olive Garden, he would often fantasize about robberies and terrorist attacks and what kitchen appliances and dinner ware items he could use as weapons to single-handedly and heroically save everyone!


I got to be careful, sugar-puss. 
The asshole Manager of this dive already wrote me
 up for flirting with a customer I let in without an ID. 
She turned out to be his 15 year old daughter. 
I gotta tell ya, those belly tats sure added a couple of
years.

Well I sure feel secure with a big slab of muscley beef
like you around!
You're not the kinda guy a girl sees everyday. A real manly man!
TBH, Babe, If a girl's boyfriend isn't jacked, I feel it's within my
 right to fuk her!

The attention from hot girls like you is nice but what
 is even better is being as strong as I look.  It is biological,
 females are attracted to the alpha males, to ensure the 
survival of the species, And cuz men who can kick ass
 are hot!

Don't worry about being perceived as a meathead, Andre, even
 women who publicly denounce meatheads are secretly turned 
on by them...

You're been staring at my bulge for like 5 minutes. 
Let me satisfy your curiosity.
It's bigger than the average in the fukkin' Congo!   
Know what I'm sayin'? 


But soon, Andre has the situation under control.


Andre has the situation under control!
Let that sink in, Bae!


Since Andre appears to have things under control, the boys leave him to it and take to admiring the picture on the wall.

Admiring dat ass...!


.
So who is this dude in the picture, Mule?
I don't have a clue to be honest. 

Hey,  DaMarcus JaMacus Daquan Jr., the third. 
I got a question when you're off the phone. 

Sort of an odd pose don't you think, Mule?
I dunno, it sort of reminds me of those Instagram sluts with the
Facebook angles.  I mean you got to admit that's a hell
 of an ass.

That is Captain Richard "Big Dick" O'Dooley!

He was the founder of this bar.  He was the Police Chief of the
 City of New Orleans for 40 years.
He never married, he said he was married to his job.

In 1966, he scored four touchdowns in a single game while
playing for the Poke High School Panthers in the 1966 city
championship game versus General Lee High School, including
 the game-winning touchdown in the final seconds against his
old nemesis, "Spare Tire" Dixon.

Dooley's was famous for it's drag queen shows back in the day.
It also had the first male go-go dancers of any bar in
 New Orleans.
Rex Reed was a pole dancer here back in the Disco era.
Tennessee Williams used to stuff Rex's g-string with 
one dollar bills.

Da fuk?  Rex who?  Tennessee Ernie Ford?  The dude that sang
 "Big John".  My mind is boggled...

Yeah, with Big Dick O'Dooley as Police Chief and Jim Garrison 
as District Attorney  and  Edwin Edwards as Governor, it was 
the  golden age of permissiveness here in the Big Easy.

.
Unfortunately,  when the Feds went after Edwin they got 
Big Dick too, malfeasance in office, racketeering,  human 
trafficking, corruption, homicide, Mann Act, treason,  .... 
 whatever they could think of to get him out of office! 

He fought the charges of course, but it didn't help that all the
charges were true. He was convicted, and sentenced to 278
years at hard labor. He served 8 months and was given a full
Pardon by President Bill Clinton at 11:57 AM on the President's
last day in Office

He now lives on Little Saint James Island, 
a private island in the Virgin Islands, as a permanent
 guest of the owner of the island, Jeffery Epstein. 



I decide to help out by taking some trash out to the dumpster. 

I dump the trash in one of the bins and turn around and who do I see smoking a cigarette over by the  dumpster but my arch-enemy, Mike, the fat muscle fuck. 

Mule Takes Out the Trash

...and Who Does He See in the Alley, but...

His Old Nemesis Mike chilling in the Alley


Mike and  I  have gotten into a couple of WWE Slam-a-rama worthy brawls over the years.  In fact, I am still paying higher insurance premiums on my jeep as a result of the collateral damage from our last  altercation.   Being body slammed across the hood and running someone's head into the driver's door leave some dents that are pretty hard to chock up to vandalism.   

I thought he had left town, or was in jail or something, since I hadn't seen his big muscle  ass in a minute.  Not since I had pounded him senseless as usual. I look at Mike...or make that Mike-&-a-half.  To be honest,  it looks like the huge meathead had been living in a gym. I wonder how many cheeseburgers, pizzas and beers he consumed to get that size.  

Mike: Impressive, muscular,  and ready for a fight

Mike just stood there, not flexing; just those little twitches that really BIG men get that pop a slab of muscle into relief every now & then.....”So what do you think, Mule! You admiring?

I couldn’t believe the words that blurted out of my mouth....”Impressive, I got to admit. What have you been doing?

It’s sort of a visualization thing, Mule ,” Mike explained...

....on the first set, I think about what you’ve done to me...

He bounced his massive pecs to punctuate his remark. 

Then on the next set; I think about what I’m going to do to you...

Mike continued.“On every set, every exercise, every body part, every workout; over & over again; every day for the LAST YEAR!!!

Mike hit a mind-blowing double-bicep to add emphasis to his words!!! “Hard to argue with results, ain’t it?” he asked as he watched with growing pleasure as my eyes tried to take it all in. He lowered the giant hams; standing relaxed again.   When your arms are bigger than  your head,  you are definitely jacked.

"Fuk, he was pretty hard to beat before. and it sure looks like he is going to be a heck of a lot harder to beat, now!" I think.


Don't look so surprised, big man.  I recognized your Jeep
 and  been waiting for you! I see you fixed the dents!

Mike was even bigger than the last time I saw him!  


"I recognized your jeep, big man. I couldn't believe my luck. I been hoping to run into you again, and was beginning to give up hope. As you can see, I am already dressed for a fight." It's a warm humid Louisiana night and Mike has already stripped down to his briefs, ready to battle.

He throws his cigarette down to the ground and we both know whats going down.   I noticed, and not for the first time, there was a sizable package in those figure-hugging briefs. 

Drop that trash  so I can commence kicking some Mule ass...

  Mike is a powerlifter, and while he does not have the physique of a bodybuilder like I do, I knew from our past encounters that this testosterone fueled epitome of male aggression was incredibly strong and dangerous.

Since my physique outclassed that fat muscle fuck by a mile I  I decided I to give a dose of intimidation to this brute. I flare my lats  to  look as big as I can and intimidate the big fucker. I showed off my  bodybuilder physique. I flexed up my 20” guns, pumping my upper arms into two big masses of balled muscle. As my lats flared out my delts and traps bunched up, I was intimidating as all fuck.   I felt a  flow of testosterone in anticipation of combat. 

Mike didn't say a word, but with a cocky grin that said “Not bad, muscleboy!” But check THIS out!”  as he  responded with a double bi flex of his own.   Mike wasn’t cut like me, but his upper arms were gigantic.  Mike posed his upper body, thick layers of muscle under a layer of fat and a chest like a fortress.  The sheer  mass of the  barreled torso was as impressive as fuck!

I thought you had left town, or was in jail or something,
 since I haven't seen your big ass around in a while, Mike

It don't look like you have missed any workouts since I last saw
 you, or any meals either for that matter...

Always with the wise cracks, pretty boy.  I hate wise cracks, 
Mule.


We mean mug each other for a bit.. but no shit talking ...  our imposing mounds of muscles do the talking for us.  Just two huge shirtless muscular opponents standing close to each other, breathing heavily and staring at each other's sweating pumped muscles, nostrils flaring like excited bulls eager to combat.

Mike's huge glutes and thighs are stretching his briefs as much as his boner is.  I try to focus on something else, giving my pecs a few bounces, as well as a rolling them to accentuate the striations.  Mike flexes in response.    We continue to proudly show off our fully pumped, mammoth and powerful bodies as we prepare to wrestle each other in the dimly lit alley.  Neither of us had any inhibitions as far as  wrestling near-naked.  Flesh-on-flesh, hard-packed muscle sweating against muscle.  Now that was manly, that was real rough-house fighting.  The feel of sweaty skin against bare knuckle.  The give of powerful abs wilting under a hard fist.  Nothing like it.  

Mike shows off his  strength by over head pressing the 
dumpster overhead. 

Mike challenges me to test of strength by over head pressing the dumpster overhead.

With a huge grunt he heaves the dumpster off the ground.  I watch as his muscles strain, bulge, and ripple.  A generous volume of sweat forms on his body, making his beefy pecs and hard abs glisten in the harsh security lights in the otherwise dark alley.  My eyes look up and down the topography of his body- taking in the juts, ridges, plateaus, and canyons of his musculature. 

"Heh.  Yeah, you're still strong as fuck, Mike.  Good. I'm sick of always holding back.  That's why you're my favorite punching bag." I tell him, as he lowers the dumpster back to the ground.


 He taunts me to show that I can match his strength and lift the heavy dumpster over my head.

He taunts me, demanding that I show that I can do the same
 feat!

He goaded me into accepting his challenge to overhead press the heavy dumpster.

I accept his challenge of strength to overhead press the
 heavy dumpster

Check it out, you fat motherphuker! 


"Check it out, you fat motherphuker! Your not the only one with muscles in this alley, I got muscles too. Bigger and stronger than yours, doughboy."


Pretty impressive, Mike says. 
Hold  that position for just a few more seconds,
 Mule-baby


"Pretty impressive," Mike says, as walks slowly around me, checking my lift. "Hold that position for just a few more seconds...."

Then, without warning, Mike fired a brutal kick into my flexed musclegut.AWOOOOOOFFFF I groaned, as my armor plated midsection  caved in to  Mike’s powerful kick. Wind and spit flies out my open mouth, as I drop the dumpster, my lungs heaving to replace the air just knocked out of me. As the dumpster comes crashing down with a huge bang, I double over holding my muscle gut and let out a man-bawl, a heavy-throated bellow of pain that was sweet music to Mike's ears.


Then, without warning, Mike fired a brutal kick into my 
flexed musclegut. The dumpster falls as I drop to my knees,
 doubled over holding my caved in abs. 



Mike kicks me in my muscle gut.  The dumpster  falls and I drop to my knees, doubled over holding my caved in abs.

It was a devastating kick that had demolished the hard bricks that composed my thick abdominals. A pile-driver of a kick that had gone deep into my legendary abs, fabled to be near-impregnable. I recovered from the blow and stood up straight, my chest heaving. I massaged my hurting gut – my stomach had taken a hell of a bashing and I was feeling it. My abs were aching.


Stay down, bitch! 
 Stay on your knees where you belong!


Walking slowly towards me, the monster Mike bounced his thick pec slabs as he walked, his huge quads flexing with each step.

I recovered enough to stand up straight, but my chest was
 heaving and my abs were aching




I waited for the right moment as Mike was rolling his shoulders and admiring his handiwork in putting me down, and then I slammed my right fist to the side of Mike’s big skull, and then my left fist. A shocked Mike cried out, holding his head and stepping back away from me. This time I didn't hesitate, I moved in and started pummeling the muscled beast’s hard gut and chest with powerful blows. I tried for more shots to the big man’s head, but his thick forearms were protecting his head.

I slammed both my hammer fists onto each of Mike’s mountainous traps,  forcing the powerhouse to drop to one knee.



I slammed both my hammer fists onto each of Mike’s
mountainous traps, forcing the powerhouse to drop to
 one knee

I slammed my right fist to the side of Mike’s big skull, and
 then my left fist.


I tried for more shots to the big man’s head,
 but his thick forearms were protecting his head!

I kick Mike in the abs while he is on his knees, only to have
him catch my foot before it connects, while he sweeps my
other leg, causing me to face plant on to the hard pavement!


I kicked Mike in the gut while he is on his knees, and I was rewarded, for my effort, with a pain filled grunt from Mike.  I try to repeat the kick to his musclegut, but that was a mistake, because this time he catches my foot when I kick, and at the same time sweeps my other leg, causing me to collapse face-down on the pavement. 

Then Mike threw his backside on my back, legs straddling my wide back beneath him. Mike quickly grabbed me by the chin, and heaved back. Mike’s arms bulged with furious determination. Mike leaned back and forced me into a tortured bend of my back. Mike’s hands  were digging into my chin, heaving backwards, as his arms turned into iron, his teeth gritted, shoulders heaving, his own head thrust back, his muscled backside digging into my own sweaty muscle ass. Both of us groaned. Me from pain, Mike from his efforts.



Mike had Mule in a Camel Clutch!


Seated, straddling my back, Mike's shoulder muscles, rounded and full, swelled to monstrous proportions as he was pulling my torso up off the ground. Incredible power flowed through his striving sinews. Unbelievable strength flowing through popping muscle. Mike then jumped his huge ass onto my lower back, with a back-breaking heave with his arms.



Mike had me trapped in his iron grip, with my elbows trapped
 over his powerful thighs. The blond brute grabbed me by the
 chin and heaved back!

Mike leaned forward and grabbed one of my arms, folding it back over his own knee. Then grabbed my other arm too, and wrapped it over his other knee. Then with a long loud grunt of effort, Mike leaned back. I was now being pulled off the ground by my chin, neck and backbone crushed painfully backwards, my back being continuously tortured. I was unable to use my arms to break the agonizing hold that he was using to break my big strong back.


Groans of pain and helpless frustration from your trapped 
Mule

Mike could feel my big bulging biceps pinned over the tops of his massive thighs, struggling, straining. My hands waving uselessly, Mike had me trapped in his iron grip, with my elbows trapped over his powerful thighs. He slowly leaned back further and drew more snorted bursts of pain and noisy groans of pained frustration bursting out of my mouth.

"This is what real strength feels like, Mule!  Give up and admit I'm stronger!" Mike demanded. 


This is what real strength feels like, Mule!
 Give up and admit I'm stronger!



"AGH!"  was my only reply.

"Give Up!!"   Mike yelled

"NOOO!!"  I growled, defiantly. 

"Submit, Mule!  You're finished!! You're fucking finished..."  Mike demanded my surrender again.


Finally, when he thought he had weakened me sufficiently, he released his Camel Clutch and began to pull me by my hair onto my knees. 

I’m really glad you won’t give up, Mule” Mike panted.

"You sure are a tough piece of shit for a pretty muscle boy. But That's OK, I’m not done yet! I've got lots more to show you!"


My big body was in hellish pain, I was unable to decide if the pain my abs or my low back hurt worse. Mike was grinning, and from my kneeling position right in front of his junk I could see that the thrill of working me over was going straight to his crotch. Mike's huge horse-sized cock was straining against his spandex shorts and I could see his swollen bull-size balls throbbing through the fabric; begging for release!


You sure are a tough piece of shit for a pretty muscle boy!



“SOOOO, do you wanna hit the gym tomorrow. Mule ? You and me? Do you wanna show everybody what you're been doing all night?...” he put his foot on the back of my neck to  pile on even more humiliation. "AND WHO’S BEEN DOING IT TO YA’????”! he yelled. " Do you think all your fan- boys at the gym would like that?!? Do ya, Mule???”

I used my head. And by using my head I mean my thick skull rammed Mike in the gut. My big head was buried up to my ears in Mike's thick gut. When my head unexpectedly collided with his stomach it knocked Mike backwards. An upward cut of my fist snapped into Mike’s balls bending him forwards. He roared at the pain. But as he roared his head was locked in a tight grip under my arm, bending him doubled-up and racing him forwards.



I look for the nearest solid object to run Mike's trapped
 head into!



I had Mike's head under my arm, doubled-up alongside my hip. And then I ran with Mike’s head trapped under my arm, looking for the nearest solid object to run it into. That turned out to the the dumpster. So I ran the asshole’s head smack into the dumpster, colliding with a sickening thud!


I slam Mike's gorilla-sized noggin into the dumpster. There's
 a loud thud as thick skull meets steel!


Looks like that took the fight out of him...

I better kick him in the Nuts just to make sure!

There's no missing a target that size

Yeah, you're done alright...
Now it is time to
visualize yourself in a dumpster

  AGAIN, Mikey!

Looks like you lost AGAIN, Mikey boy. You got a pitiful 0 - 3  
 W/L record against me, cuz.

BTW, You weigh a Fuck Ton, Dude.
Don't you think it's time to go on a cut?

And while your at it, you need to get some sun, bro. You're one
pasty-white cottage cheese looking motherfucker, just sayin'.

Excuse me, rat-brah. I didn't know the dumpster was occupied.
Don't mind me. I just need to make a deposit.

That muscle dude dumped a big guy in here....

I wonder if he is dead...

It is St. Paddy's so can't be sure, maybe just one little nibble to
check out if I am in rat heaven and can tell all my rodent
buddies...



~~ IMPORTANT NOTICE ~~

The adventures in the alley behind Dooley's Bar are not over! See Bouncer Andre catch a punk stealing from the bar and dish out some punishment in Dooley's Bar: Andre Catches A ThiefThe next installment on Mule's Blog. What's that? You can't wait? Well, here are some pics to tide you horny motherfuckers over....

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