Amusings from Valhalla: Moar Mulish Humor

FALSE START!

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air." 

RUBBIN' THE OL' LAMP!

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

TEACHER! TEACHER!

After picking her Middle School son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with one of my teachers." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with  one of my teachers." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him,  gives him a big high five, and lets him know he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for.  On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

YA GOTTA LOVE BLONDES!

Three women, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator. The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says “Ooooohhh that looks like semen.” She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says “It feels like semen.” 

The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, smells it, and says “It smells like semen.” 

Judi, the blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says “It doesn't taste like anyone in this building...”

SLOOTS GONNA SLOOT!

A pubescent girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”

Her older sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

SIGN LANGUAGE!

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the f–k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.

The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”

FIRE THE BISH!

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.

Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to either lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?”

Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”

TELLING TITTY JOKES TO MY MOM!

Many, many years ago I was at dinner at my Dad's ranch,  I asked my Pops, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

My Dad paused for a moment, and said,   "Well son,  there are many answers to this question, but I recall what your Granddad once told me: In her 20's a woman's boobies are like melons, round and firm.  In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.  After 50 they are like onions..."

"Onions?" I asked quizzically

"Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."  he said with a laugh.

When I came back home, I impishly repeated this to my mother, to see what sort of reaction I could elicit.

She didn't bat an eye.

"Did he tell you about the three stages of your willie, so you know what to look forward to?"

"Um no..." I said, suddenly uncomfortable with the conversation I had imprudently started. 

"Well my dear, a man goes through three phases.  In his youth, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.  In his mid thirties, it is like a birch, flexible, but reliable.  After his 50s it is like a Christmas Tree..."

"Christmas Tree?" I asked curious, yet dreading the answer.

"Yes, the root is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."

And that is when I learned at a young age, not to try and prank my mom.

I HOPE YOU HAD FUN...

...BUT THAT'S ALL FOLKS