Vignette: Things I am No Longer Permitted To Do

Sometimes it is not even my fault!

Like that time I was cutting the lawn for my Ma, shirtless off course as one naturally does it, and a car full of teenage girls driving by swerved into a tree.  Don't worry there were no casualties, but I did get some phone numbers. Now HOW CAN I BE BLAMED FOR THAT, but my Ma somehow STILL MANAGED TO BLAME ME, and hired a Mexican named Miguel to do it.

Or that time when my asked me to trim her hedges and apparently "crew cut" was not what she had in mind.  Who knew?  Alright, that was kinda sorta a little bit my fault.  Again hedge work is now the domain of Miguel.

I now am obliged to wear a towel around my waist at all times when I'm going to the whirlpool at the the Country Club after I pretend to play Golf with my boss and clients cuz apparently rich old people are scared and/or envious of my big cock. Granted some of them likely had weak hearts and probably couldn't cope with the erections lasting more than 4 hours they would have suffered if they espied me unsheathed.

I lifted my shirt up at the gym once to wipe the sweat off my face and apparently my sculpted six pack abs distracted this lady so much that she fell off the treadmill... I kid you not. So not allowed to do that either because of "liability" or some such bogus shit.

Sometimes it is DEFINITELY my fault!

I am no longer allowed to work at the Boulder office by my lonesome. I have to either work from home or go to the Denver office when my boss and the office manager are both going to be away. See they send one of those VERY cute secretaries from the Denver office when they are going to be away. The one time they made that mistake of doing that when I was there alone, and I had to watch one of them hour long videos from HR. The office manager also let it be known they don’t want to risk the firm getting sued, nor the expense of having the office steam cleaned and de-loused before they could use it again. While I will concede the likely need for steam cleaning, I thought the de-lousing comment was totally unfair. Also learned (for future reference) that fucking the HR representative while watching a sexual harassment video is apparently not being ON MISSION. Live and learn, am I right?

So that one was DEFINITEY my fault.

I am not allowed to go to KFC any more.  They say this is a free country, but apparently one is not free to speak one's mind... if your mind is like MINE! Damn political correctness.  Make America Mule-friendly Again.   Damn you KFC and your lifetime ban! Yeah this one was DEFINITELY my fault. Hey I prefer Popeye's any way!

No more KFC for you Mule!

I am no longer allowed to play golf at the club with the Boss and various sports legends. I can join them afterwards for lunch, as long as I mind my table manners, but I have been exiled from the green after only one game because of being "too intense". You see the Mule likes the idea of long drives, sending those pesky little dimpled balls flying into the stratosphere to land near one of those little golf pennants  (or 'tall markers' as the boss calls them), it doesn't really matter which flag the ball ends up next to, or at least that is what I always assumed.  I screamed "Fore" so everything is covered no matter where my ball lands, right?  But 'putting' out there on a huge expanse of green, well that just seems like pussy-golf to me. If I am just going to just 'tap' the sucker, might as well be playing miniature golf with a sloot on each arm, am I right?  Anyway while the Boss and the Legends are slurping gin and tonics, and staggering drunkenly on and off those little faggy electric golf vehicles, I am at the clubhouse flirting with the cute bartender. So I guess this one counts as SORT OF MY FAULT.

So while Boulder celebrates its Graffiti artists when they use SPRAY PAINT, when someone tries to do SNOW TAGGING using NATURAL and SUSTAINABLE amber liquids, suddenly it is all a violation of city ordinances and standards of decency! There is no pleasing these tree huggers!

Celebrated by the Boulder Arts Council

While this precious work of graffiti is considered a
violation of the municipal code*

*No person shall urinate or defecate while on the mall, in any city park within the city limits, on any property zoned for residential uses without the express permission of the owner, or within any portion of the city zoned for business, industrial, or public uses, unless such voiding is made into a receptacle that has been provided for that purpose that stores or disposes of the wastes in a sanitary manner and that is enclosed from the view of the general public.- Boulder Municipal Code  Title 5: 6-7