THERE IS A FLAG ON THE PLAY AND THE REF (Edit-brah) HAS CALLED IT, AS IT IS FRIDAY!
AMUSINGS FROM VALHALLA!
FEEL LIKE A WOMAN
On a recent flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, " she wails.
Then she yells:
"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable ! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN ? "
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable ! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN ? "
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man from Colorado stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ...... one button at a time.
...... No one moves.
......He removes his shirt.
...... Muscles ripple across his chest.
......She gasps ......
......He whispers :
" Iron this, and make me a sammitch ......"
AUSTRALIAN VIRGIN
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.
She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.
After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married.
On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."
He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"
MAMMAS GOT TO BE MAMMAS
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.
She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.
After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married.
On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."
He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"
MAMMAS GOT TO BE MAMMAS
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays, Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote :
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
BLONDES BEING BLONDE
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman," I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
IN OLDEN TIMES: (PRE-MULE)
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy .........
......... you just hoped nobody ever found out !!
or so my Ganny told me....
RAPID FIRE ROUND-WHORRIBLE JOKES*:
Q: What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A: Brothel sprouts.
Q: What do you get when you cross a whore with a systems engineer?
A: A fuckin' know-it-all!
Q: What do you call a Norwegian prostitute?
A: A Fjord Escort.
Q: What do you call a promiscuous pony?
A: A Little Whorese
Q: What do you call an Italian hooker?
A: A pastatute.
Q: Who makes more money a drug dealer or a whore?
A: A hooker because she can wash her crack and reuse it.
Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A: Keep the tip
Q: What do you call a Serbian whore?
A: Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch
Q: What's the difference between an epileptic oyster fisherman, and a whore with diarrhea?
A: Well, one shucks between fits.
Q: What kind of cereal makes a prostitute happy?
A: Cheery-Hos
Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A: A whore will fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party EXCEPT you.
Q: What do you call a group of whores on roller skates?
A: A mobile sperm bank.
Q: What do you call a whore with her hand down her panties?
A: Self Employed!
Q: What did one broke hooker ask the other?
A: Lend me $10 till I'm on my back again.
Q: If a new whore uses Vaseline, what does an old whore use?
A: An old whore uses Poligrip!
I HOPE YOU HAD FUN...
...BUT THAT'S ALL FOLKS
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