Until we can finish Mulezan II
enjoy this comedic interlude!
Our foray into the Mulezan stories, has inspired this particular Amusings!
STOLEN FROM ACROSS THE INTERNETS BY THIEVING MONKEYS
WAS THAT HIM?
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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| OOPS! MY BAD! |
GORILLA IN THE MIRTH
A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.
The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."
The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."
WORTH EVERY PENNY
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright.
So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: "Would you be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks?" Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
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| Harambe jokes are STILL funny! But it was Cincinnati, so Gorilla has a point! |
FAKE NEWS
On a very hot day in the jungle there were two monkeys sitting on the top of this tree. They were trying to stay cool. One monkey looks at the other one and says, "Man, I'm bored." The other monkey replies, "Well, what do you plan on doing about it?"
On a very hot day in the jungle there were two monkeys sitting on the top of this tree. They were trying to stay cool. One monkey looks at the other one and says, "Man, I'm bored." The other monkey replies, "Well, what do you plan on doing about it?"
The first monkey thought about it and says, "You see that one lion sleeping at the bottom of the tree? I bet you I could climb down there, kick him square in the butt, and outrun him." And before the second monkey could say, "That's a bad idea..." the first monkey was already on the ground and kicked the lion in his butt.
The lion jumped up and started chasing the monkey around and around the tree, and the monkey took off through the jungle trying to outrun the lion. Then, the monkey came across a village and there sat an empty chair with a hat and a newspaper on it. He quickly grabbed the hat and put it on, sat down in the chair, and pretended to read the paper when the lion came through there. The lion said, "Excuse me sir. Did you see a monkey run through here?"
The monkey replied, "You mean the one that kicked the lion in his butt?"
"Oh, crap, you mean its in the paper already?" The lion said.
IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE!
The Bambuti pygmies of the Congo jungles know a thing or two
about using humor in difficult situations.
The Bambuti designate an official “camp clown”, whose job is to
diffuse any tribal interpersonal conflict my tapping into his
inner clown. By mocking the tension, or humorously taking on the
blame himself through his hilarious (so I’m told) antics, he
resolves conflicts in a non-violent manner, leaving everyone
rolling on the ground.
The “clown” may also mock the folks involved in the conflict, but in the jungles of the Congo, seems to work out just fine.
The Bambuti have learned that this strategy does not work well with outsiders, particularly Gorillas and Guerrillas who for some reason lack the pygmies zany sense of humor.
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| I am NOT amused! |
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| Hutu rebels found to be massacring and eating pygmies! |
I WOULD BE LION IF I SAID I DIDN'T GROAN AT THESE
Once upon a time, a lion, a tiger, and a bear were sitting on a hill. They were getting hungry. Below them, three men walked by, a Frenchman, an Italian and a Czech man. The lion said "I haven't had French food in a while."So, he ran off and ate the French man.
The tiger said, "I'm hungry for some Italian food." So, he ran off and ate the Italian man.
The bear looked at the sole remaining man, and said "I guess it's my turn to spring for the Czech!"
There was a major concert being held at a large outdoor venue. Many hours before the gates opened, people had formed long lines to buy tickets. Near one of these lines, at a secluded back gate, a lion jumped out of the woods-- a really big lion! People started running in all directions to get away from the lion. All the people that is, except for one man. He just stood stock still in his place. To no one's surprise, the really big lion went up to him, and swallowed him in one bite. Then, like all lions that have had a big meal, it promptly laid down and went to sleep.
There was a major concert being held at a large outdoor venue. Many hours before the gates opened, people had formed long lines to buy tickets. Near one of these lines, at a secluded back gate, a lion jumped out of the woods-- a really big lion! People started running in all directions to get away from the lion. All the people that is, except for one man. He just stood stock still in his place. To no one's surprise, the really big lion went up to him, and swallowed him in one bite. Then, like all lions that have had a big meal, it promptly laid down and went to sleep.
Slowly, the people came out of the woods to look at the sleeping lion. One of the people that had observed what had happened said, "Maybe he's still alive inside the lion. Is there a doctor around?" Sure enough, there was. The doctor very cautiously approached the lion, and placed his stethoscope on the lion's belly. Sure enough, the man was still alive. So, the doctor asked "Sir, sir, are you OK?" The man replied back from inside the lion "Yes, OF COURSE I'm OK. You can leave me alone. Can't you see I'm just waiting in lion?"
Once, a mother lion observed one of her cubs chasing a hunter in circles around a tree. The mother lion exclaimed, "How many times do I have to tell you not to play with your dinner?"
Once, during a baseball game, a strange thing happened. Three lions suddenly appeared, and they promptly jumped over the third baseline wall and walked into the outfield. A man followed behind the lions, urging them on in their strange outing. Up in the press box, the radio announcer saw what was going on, and told his listening audience, "Lion drive in left field."
An actor was working on a scene that had lions in it. While working on the scene, the actor did something stupid, and the lions ate him. One of the bystanders observing the event remarked, "That actor sure didn't know his lions!"
A missionary was wandering the African savanna when he encountered a lion. There was nowhere to run so the man fell to his knees and said, "Lord, please make this lion a Christian beast!" Surprisingly the lion also fell to a crouch and bowed his head. "Lord, for these blessings I am about to receive, let me be truly thankful."
A lion woke up one morning with the urge to assert his superiority over his fellow beasts. He strode over to a monkey, and roared "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?"
Once, a mother lion observed one of her cubs chasing a hunter in circles around a tree. The mother lion exclaimed, "How many times do I have to tell you not to play with your dinner?"
Once, during a baseball game, a strange thing happened. Three lions suddenly appeared, and they promptly jumped over the third baseline wall and walked into the outfield. A man followed behind the lions, urging them on in their strange outing. Up in the press box, the radio announcer saw what was going on, and told his listening audience, "Lion drive in left field."
An actor was working on a scene that had lions in it. While working on the scene, the actor did something stupid, and the lions ate him. One of the bystanders observing the event remarked, "That actor sure didn't know his lions!"
A missionary was wandering the African savanna when he encountered a lion. There was nowhere to run so the man fell to his knees and said, "Lord, please make this lion a Christian beast!" Surprisingly the lion also fell to a crouch and bowed his head. "Lord, for these blessings I am about to receive, let me be truly thankful."
A lion woke up one morning with the urge to assert his superiority over his fellow beasts. He strode over to a monkey, and roared "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?"
"You are, Master," said the monkey, cowering. Then the lion approached a warthog. "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?" roared the lion. "You are, my Lord," said the warthog, quivering with fear.
Next the lion met an elephant. "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?" roared the lion. The elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk, swung him in the air, slammed him ten times against a tree trunk, threw him into a dense patch of thorns, and strolled away. "Okay!" shouted the lion. "There's no need to turn nasty just because you don't know the answer!"
One day an out of work mime was visiting and hoping to earn some money. The zookeeper explained that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla had died suddenly. He offered the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they could get a new one. The mime accepted. The next morning the mime put on the gorilla suit and entered the cage. It was a great job. He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he drew bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. But, eventually the crowds tired of him and began to pay more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. In an effort to recapture their attention, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top of the lion's cage. The lion was mad, but the crowd loved it so much that the zoo keeper came and gave the mime a raise. Each time the mime taunted the lion, he got bigger and bigger raises. But one day he slipped and fell into the lion's cage. The mime ran, but the lion finally caught up with the mime and had him pinned to the ground. The mime was screaming and fighting for his life, yelling "Someone help me, PLEASE, help me!!!!" The lion leaned over and said, "Shut up you moron! Do you want to get us both fired??"
One day an out of work mime was visiting and hoping to earn some money. The zookeeper explained that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla had died suddenly. He offered the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they could get a new one. The mime accepted. The next morning the mime put on the gorilla suit and entered the cage. It was a great job. He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he drew bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. But, eventually the crowds tired of him and began to pay more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. In an effort to recapture their attention, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top of the lion's cage. The lion was mad, but the crowd loved it so much that the zoo keeper came and gave the mime a raise. Each time the mime taunted the lion, he got bigger and bigger raises. But one day he slipped and fell into the lion's cage. The mime ran, but the lion finally caught up with the mime and had him pinned to the ground. The mime was screaming and fighting for his life, yelling "Someone help me, PLEASE, help me!!!!" The lion leaned over and said, "Shut up you moron! Do you want to get us both fired??"
HOPE YOU HAD FUN!
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