Mule's Blog: Musings from Valhalla: How to be a Big Muscle Stud Like Mule

A COMPILATION FROM MY OLD BLOG

Bodybuilding is like Fight Club....

Bodybuilding is like Fight Club...I was on a plane the other day, I looked up and saw a guy get on the plane...big guy. I knew he lifted. I knew he ate oatmeal and egg whites for breakfast. He looked at me. He knew I lifted. He knew I had a protein shake before bed. We didn't say one word to each other,but I knew...and he knew. Now that's some cool, Fight Club type shit. Bodybuilding is the best thing since sliced bread...whole grain bread that is.

Atta' tude...

Today lesson is on attitude. Now I know you were hoping for some training advice, but that'll have to wait. Don't rush me bitch. It'll come. You need to understand here and now that I'm the man and if you want to even stand in my shadow you'd better pay close attention to what I'm about to say.

I understand most of you are likely nerdy little bitches who don't even lift, but EVEN YOU can use and apply this knowledge.

I wanna be just like my hero, MULE

At all times you need absolute confidence. I don't give a shit what we're talking about! Be a man.

But for now, We'll stick to gym related topics.

Upon arrival at the Gym you need to have your windows down and be rockin' out to some crazy shit! I don't want to hear any of that hip hop jungle music garbage, but more like some Korn or Mega Death! Make sure you have your gym bag in the trunk of your ride. The passenger seat is for the bitch you'll be taking home with you after you've torn up the gym. After you've chosen a prime parking space or two, and have made your presence known, pimp your ass to the trunk and get your bag. You wanna make sure you've got a little weight to the bag. This will allow you to show your guns as you go into the gym. But not so much weight that it makes your pansy ass lean to one side.

As you arrive at the front door set your bag down and check your hair in the glass doors. If someone else is coming out or up to the door make sure they open it for you. Especially if it's some skank you'll be taking home next week. As you approach the counter to check in and the chick says hello don't say a thing in return. You've got to realize, she's easy, and says that to every man and most likely woman who walks through those doors. Just let her do her job and pay her no attention at this point. Just set your bag down on the counter to gather yourself. With style, raise your sun glasses to set on top of your head or take them off altogether. Flex your arms as you do so. Then take your time and put them in your bag.

Now look her square in the eye and say "What's up girl." I guarantee her panties will be soaked. Keep in mind that you're the man and it's everyone's privilege to even speak to you. Not the other way around. They want to become you. They want to look, act, speak, and even be you. Their bones ache with jealousy. You're like a Greek god in their eyes. Some even workout at this time of day just to be in the same room with you. You are amazing, and they know it.

When you reach the locker room handle your business and get out. If you've got to piss that's fine. Make sure to hit the loudest water possible in any given pisser. Forget that quiet shit. Your dick is just as badass as you are, so let everybody know it. When you're done shake it three times and walk out. Don't wash your hands because your stuff is clean as a whistle, besides, all the pee-ons touch their junk and turn on the sink.

As you walk out into the gym be sure your head is held high and your chest pushed out. You need to give off "the man" vibe. Make sure to ask the biggest guy in your area if he's done with the station you're ready to go to next. Tell him what weight you're going to begin with. This will show everybody around it's your turn so back the hell up. Immediately you'll get the attention of all the ladies, but don't mind them whatsoever. Handle your business and move on. Don't even look at them until you've felt every one of them undress you with their eyes. You'll get your chance to play later.

Her: I love you! Call me!
Him: Hey, the squat rack is free!!!

You want to make sure you grab everyone's attention while training. Going heavy is a given and slamming weights is a must. Keep solid form but by all means use big poundages. Be intense! When you've reached your heavy sets, hollar out when it's getting heavy. You've gotta show everyone there they can't touch you; and those weights can't hold you down! After you've slammed out your last set, you've got to be mean muggin' yourself in the mirror! Hell watch every inch of your perfection during the set as well! Everybody else will be.

Now normally I'd say stick to the basic lifts that allow for big weights, but we're after some tail as well. I mean you can't look this damn good and not share with the less fortunate. Your genes are a gift from God. Not sharing them with every hot bitch you meet would be like a crime against humanity. If a chick is a 7 or less don't even bother. You're prime time, and fresh meat! You want only the cream of the crop. Again you need to have all the confidence in the world. Just give off the bad-ass vibe.

While you want to be somewhat polite to these bitches, always be in control. If she's using a machine or station that relates to your workout that day, ask the bitch if you can "squeeze in between her sets". She'll get weak in the knees right then and there. From there it's a walk in the park.

As you're wrapping up your workout don't forget to do some flexes in the mirror. As you do so give off some low level growls. Why, you ask? Because you're a fuckin' animal that's why, and don't question me again or I will flatten you! So you will be flexing and growling, letting both build to a rumbling and pulsating crescendo. (Not advised in Planet Fitness, so get your ass our of Planet Fitness and into a REAL GYM Shithead!)

PF1: "Where is everybody? "
PF2: "Oh, they headed over to the gym
where ♥♥♥Mule♥♥♥ works out!"

While engaged in this flexing rite, you wanna be aggressive as hell in doing so too. Don't do some weak ass quick flex and move on, but admire your handy work. Fall in love with yourself every goddamn time you do it and every slut in that gym will do the same! If you can't turn yourself on in the mirror, how you going to turn on the sloots??!!

Grab your bag and make for the door. As you do you'll notice salivating chicks almost making a mad dash in the same direction! At this point take your choice. You want to start off with one at a time because sometimes, even today, these skanks want more than just wild animal sex. Remember Mule is already at pro-level in this department and can pack his vehicle with gym sloots. I know, I know, it's a pain in the ass for you amateurs, but just play their sick little game and you'll go far. Once you've made your choice handle your business and pimp your big ass back to the ride with the designated gym bunny. Tear it up right there in the parking lot,as a warm-up and the word will spread just as fast as she did!

ACQUIRE PROTEIN!!!!

Today while driving to the gym I heard for the super bowl Mcy D's had 50 pc. chicken nugget for like $7.99... some cheap protein right there. Took off a lot of the breading... already ate over half, probably save the other like 20 nuggets for tomorrow at lunch or eat 'em all tonight. it comes in a big ass tub, it's sweet!

***Update***

my stomach hurts now!

Now Mule going to lay down sum White boy rappin' to get your toes atappin'!

When I walk into McDonald's people stare!

Little old lady in the corner stares!

Fat old man in the suit glares!

Kid with ice cream drools and stares!

I flex my lats and strut up to the counter

Muscles bulging I begin my encounter.

I say "Chicken McStrong with diet coke, hun"

She go "What, you be asking for, son?"

I rip my shirt of and flex along

as I rap: "I am Chicken McStrong I come from a farm where I didn't belong!!!"

Some chick behind me checking out my ass says:

"The nuggets r on me hoss, cuz you looking like a bawse!"

Well, I went to Taco Bell and ordered drive thru. Here's what I wanted

- 3 Chicken Gorditas

- 1 Grilled Stuft Chicken Burrito

- 1 Grilled Stuft Bean Burrito

- 2 Bean Hard Shell Tacos

- Nachos w/ Cheese

Mind you this was a solo order!

This is what I got when I left the drive thru:

- 3 Cheesy Chicken Gorditas

- 1 Grilled Stuft Chicken Burrito

- 1 Grilled Stuft Beef Burrito

- 2 Beef Hard Shell Tacos

- No nachos but just a cup of cheese (I thought maybe I dropped them in my jeep or something so I was looking around and it wasn't anywhere to be found.)

It's a new low for them. I won't stop eating there anyways cuz the price is right!

They have an impossible time telling the difference between bean and beef on those speakers. I have to MOO at them and say I want a COW burrito half the time. The meat they use is only 1 grade above the meat they use in dog food anyways.

They do it EVERY TIME, pisses me off.

I swear, one day im going to snap and go all KUNG FU on their asses.