Washed
sheets, still got spots
Ran into a woman from my
past Saturday night:
Cliffs:
-Just had a baby (body still tight)
-text me to cuddle when I was on the way home
-Lactating AND
on her period.
-we just laid together for about an hour and
I finally couldn't take it and told her to go take her tampon out.
-Sometimes, being a man is hard work
-When she left the
next day, my sheets looked like the shroud of Turin
-btw,
breast milk tastes a little like lip gloss, watery but strangely satisfying.
-Now I realize Grapes of Wrath had a happy ending.
-Milk it does a body good!
Let's Make a Deal
So I got $200 burning a hole in my pocket..
The "line stander
in place" job I worked at last summer called me a week or so ago and needed chair "sitter
inners" .... some hearing at the FCC and they wanted to make sure the opposition
didn't have no place to sit... so I got there real early and put my muscle butt
in a chair and used the techniques I use in the gym to make sure no one takes
my bench or squat rack (it's a stare and a low growl).
If I had to go take a piss
I would leave a towel and a bottle of water....everybody knows that means the
chair is taken, right? Dunno WTF the meeting was about... sumthin' about cable
TV? I had a bunch of lectures from school on my ipod so I was just listening to
those... anyway... I got $$$ , I am off for Spring Break, and I don't catch my
plane outta here till Sat morning so... I am thinking a big date Fri maybe even
go to someplace nice and fancy like the Olive Garden...
But the question is...who should the lucky bitch
be? I have narrowed it down to three.
Behind door number one:
Babe I met when I was working out at school last week 'cause I too short on time
to go to the real gym. I was doing shoulders and I looked up and seen the
finest little sweaty ass doing squats on the smith machine right in front me...
Man I just wanted to pin her against the wall then initiate pelvic thrusts and
neck licking to establish sexual dominance... then do her doggie right there ..
but instead between sets I went over to sniff the bench she was using ...
...while
I was sniffing she finished up and come over and sat down and I started my
game....she had one of them exercise programs and a notebook so I started
giving her advice...and smelling her... she was hot as fuck.
...body was a 10! Tighty, small like a gymnast... and she was short... like 5 ft... I wud be able
to toss that anyway I wanted...probably cleave her in two with my donger... but then I noticed sumthin' wrong with her
face... she had a "lazy eye". It's fucking weird... and creepy dunno if I wud want to be around that
when I was eating but HB 10 if you get
past the eye..
Behind door number two:
Chick I have banged before. Downside: Fugly dope dealin' slut Upside: FANTASTIC IN BED.
Embarrassing to be seen out and around with...but damn she does this thing.....
Behind door number three:
Another chick I have banged before. Downside: Largely frigid and expensive gold digger Upside: Looks good on my arm when I am strutting about town.
It's sometimes best to be
better looking than the girl you're tapping, because they try harder to please
you... HOTT girls expect you to do all the work, it's nice to have a break and
recEIve sometimes ya know...BUT SOME LIMITS.. no fat chicks THIS Spring Break...NO MATTER HOW DRUNK I GET... I made me a rule for break God Fucking Damnit, How
Come Fat Bitches Always Wanna Fuck Me!?!?!!?!? Fat chicks dig me more than they dig cake!
 |
| "Hey there Mule....." |
I swear, why the
fuck do these fat ass bitches think they have a chance with a hot ass mother
fucker like myself? I just don't get it ... Fat chicks are worse than gay
people and goddamn those bastards are like dogs in heat...Fat chicks should NEVER make eye contact with me, they should look away. cuz I am WAY outta their damn
league...besides whales like that get disgustingly sweaty underboobs when they
fuck... END RANT
I went with Door Number One...because she has that NEW PUTANG SMELL
Valentine's Day: Mule World Problems
V-day presents challenges for
me.... This year: 1 dick, 3 women ... I gots me some serious time management
issues here! I am juggling 3 chicks in rotation, PLUS the
randoms, and one I am planning on cheating with soon... Don't ya just feel sorry for me?
If
they would let me just bang 'em all at the same time it would be problem solved, but they is being all female and not biting on that... they want private time
lol.
V-Day gifts....For the 3 STEADY fucks I have lined in rotation I bought 3
fish for like $2 each and then 3 bowls for another buck at the dollar store...
I am giving them each a fish with a card that says "You're the only fish in
the sea for me" ... that romantic shit is a lock to get you laid ...
I
might even spring for some candy or donuts to go with the fish... do you think
I should staple a condom inside the card or would that be cheesy?
Here's some Valentine day poems I came
up with:
Roses
are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine's day sucks,
so f*ck you
bitch....
Roses are red,
pickles are green,
I love your legs,
and what's in
between
Roses are red,
violets are
blue,
so was your pussy,
when I's through with you...
Ain't I Romantic?
Fuck love, all I got for hoez is hard dick and bubblegum ....
Anyway I survived V-day
(barely)... right now I got a bag of frozen veggies in my jock strap...the big
fella is on ice at the moment
About Last Night....
Ask guy who spent 65 bucks at the bar last Friday night
anything...WTF? that's got to be like 20 beers? I spent all my special "trick
money" (bunch of ones with a $20 wrapped on the outside) that I use to
impress the gold digging bar sluts.
I puked in the bathroom at the bar. I woke up naked. I was
too drunk to bang the girl who took me home. Then the bartender (an ex
gf) came over after she got off an hour or so later and tried to get some dick
but I was passed out and naked from the other girl. She turned off all my
lights and left. I didn't even remember her coming over.... lol.
I usually ain't a pussy when I drink..but instead am scoring
pussy... but my resistance was low... I had been out in the cold kissing this
girl with the flu .... I don't think I was wore out or caught a
peñor disease cause I had only had sex with 3
different girls in the last week and all of them are clean ...I think.
I used a condom on 1 of them because I wasn't sure about her
but the other 2 i have banged before and they aren't banging any other guys
cause the one is pregnant and the other is all in love with me. besides the two
I didn't use condoms on aren't aloud to fuck other guys...MULE RULES!
Apparently some jacked-up AMOG tried
to take advantage of my ass at the bar and started a fight with
me...I don't remember much about it but from what I heard it was a pretty good
fight... too bad I don't remember much... apparently I told the other dude that
I would "crush his skull, and they use his brain juice to jerk off with,
and then wear his intestines as a scarf and go shopping for new shoes" LOL
At least that's what the female witness told me I said . Said this guy
was big like me, hooge scary fuker too, like a caveman with down syndrome
on 'roids she says...not good.
 |
| "Me fight Mule!" |
You should try never to fight an ugly guy...he's got nothing
to lose--anyway, the chick said I had my hands full for a while.. dunno .. hard
to know a fight went by listen' to a woman describing it... sounds like we
exchanged a bunch of punches, then a mutual bearhug ( bitch says we locked up
for the crush like muscled bulls for 10 minutes and she never seen so much
muscle flexin' and strainin' or heard so much grunting and groaning in her
life) and that I finally knocked him the fuck out and ended with what sounds
like a horse
collar. Sorry I missed it LOL. I had a shiner and some nice bruises and my
ribs felt like I had wrestled a gorilla the next day so I am sure she ain't
bullshitting me about it happening. She helped me walk home after and said I
barely made it...thought she was gonna have to call me an ambulance... still
don't know how much of that was the fight and how much it was being drunk lol.
I wonder what the other guy looks like today....course he was fugly to
begin with...
In case you are wondering...I apparently took some
"low" blows to the nads...had to ice the boys with abag of frozen
veggies out the freezer next day...fortunately the big fella recovered before
Valentine's day... took a different type of damage on V-day lol
Bartender wants my Dick?
She
works as a bartender . She was supposed to be on her way like a hour ago cause
shes drunk and wanted some dick but she's nowhere to be
found...
What happened to her?
DUI ?
Car wreck?
Banging some other dude?
Just late cause shes a girl ?
I was just sitting there wonderin', as we ain't
exclusive*...
*exclusive means: She is only seeing MULE and she don't know about all my other side chicks
Normally tf we aren't doing it, I am usually asking her about if any of her
friends would be willing to bang me. Then we go back to humping. I could of arranged for other entertainment if I knew she wasn't going to be coming over, now it is just NETFLIX.
I
would text her to see where she is but I don't want to look weak ....
Mule's
Madden Football Fantasy ...
"We have a game Sunday?"
"Fuck kid, I didn't
even know. They don't tell me when the games are played." The kid just pulls out the Nintendo, and I just run out onto
the field and start aiming lasers for fucking Saturn, you know what I mean? If
there's a defense there, whatever. The
Mule is more than happy to spray hot
passes all over the defense's chest. "Who are we playing? The Lions? Pfft. Those
guys aren't sexy. You telling me Jon Kitna is sexy? I've seen white supremacists
in prison who are sexier than that do-gooder. No wonder he's a devout
Christian. What kind of pussy would he pull on the open market? Dumpster pussy,
that's what."
 |
| DERP! |
"What's that color the Lions wear? Honolulu
Blue?" Yeah, well I nailed six Hawaiian Tropic girls last week. So while those
faggots are busy wearing Honolulu, I'm busy fucking it. Wore my mesh practice
top the whole time, too. And in front of a mirror. Ever stick your finger up
your own ass? God, it just felt so right. "Try it later kid, not while you are handling the Nintendo."
Jesus, now
that you told me I'm playing Detroit, I'm all fucking hot. God dammit. I gotta
go throw something. Now. I just... I just can't take the anticipation. It's
driving me buck wild. Such a depleted secondary. So many long, long throws. You
know I accidentally fucked Olin Kreutz once?
 |
| "I was fucked by Mule and I LIKED it." |
True story.
So, you play fantasy football? That's funny. Because I AM fantasy
football. Girls watch me throw and they ovulate. It's just the way I move. So
poised. So strong. So fluid.
They know I'm undressing the defense with my arm. Oh, Daddy says that Mule is up to no good. And you know what, honey? Your daddy is right. I am thinking nasty, nasty thoughts when I'm out there. I throw that ball sixty yards, and I just wanna ram a stick of butter up some girl's ass. I can't help it. Football and sex just go together for me. It's a natural fit, just like any girl is a natural fit on me.
"Hope you
win, kid. Either way, Mule is fucking that night."
"Is that Berrian? I think he's triple-covered. You know
what? Fuck it. I'm throwing it downfield. "
"Yeah, I see
Jones open on the flank. But fuck that. Dump off passes are for f a g g o t s.
I'm the fuking Mule. I can get that ball in there. And, even if I can't, I bet
I'll be able to pull it off the next go round. I like throwing the ball long.
It makes my dick hard."
"What's that? I should throw a
quick slant? Fuck that. That's gay. Button hook? Gay. Flare out? Gay. Screen
pass? Kevin Spacey gay. This is fucking football. You can't just expect wins to
come to you. You can't massage that shit. You gotta grab that game by the
throat and rape the ever-loving shit out of it. You think a 5-yard out is gonna
win you a game? You're a pussy. This ain't John Shoop running this offense..."
"...Mule's
got the arm. The dragon. You gotta unleash the dragon."
"Okay, I'm throwing it. Nice. Look how far it went. I look good. I bet I
made that Pats cheerleader wet her panties with that throw. She fucking wants
me. I bet she likes it over a stair railing. I can hit that with 100% accuracy,
my dear. Mmmmmm. I am delicious."
 |
| Give me a M, give me a U, give me a L, and give me a E WHAT DO WE WANT? HIS DICK! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? |
Oh shit. Looks like
Samuel caught it. Again. Oh well. It still felt fucking great to throw that
shit. Tell me that wasn't one of the prettiest passes you ever saw. You know
what? Not only am I gonna throw it long the next time we hit the field. I'm
gonna throw it even longer. Harder. You see that kid in wheelchair sitting in
the end zone bleachers? I'm gonna nail him right between the fucking eyes with a
Sexy Mule fastball. Why? Because I can.
This is the Mule
we're talking about here. We're talking 255 lbs. of twisted steel and sex
appeal. I'm not just a gunslinger. I'm a cumslinger. Throwing that ball long
tells all the babes that I am fucking out there. On the edge. Where I gotta be.
The ladies love the danger. The unpredictability. Oh, maybe I'll tease them
with a pretty touch pass every now and again. But then I'm gonna go right back
to pumping that ball out for all it's worth. It tells them I throw like I fuck.
That's how we do things in the sexy business. Tell me
you're not turned on right now...I know I am. O.k. kid, you can put the Nintendo away and you and me can hit the showers.
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