Mule's Blog: Blumpkin

BLUMPKIN

I heard about a party at the LaCrosse team captain's house from one of the cardio bunnies I slammed last week. She called me up and said I should make it if I get a chance. After another grueling workout in the football weightroom, I decide to take my teammate/training partner Mongo along with me to be my wingman.

We walk into the house, and it’s exactly what I expected. 135 pound frat boys in Abercrombie tshirts. Pathetic. I walk through the crowd in my aviators and beater, pushing guys at the party out of the way to establish Alpha dominance. We head into the kitchen, where one frat boy is making mixed drinks for a few hotties. “Blender belongs to me now” I snarl at him, dump out the contents and begin to make my patented Mega Shake. Eight scoops of N-Large2, a jar of natty peanut butter, and 2 bananas all blended with lowfat milk. I blend up my mix, toast Mongo in our Met-Rx shakers, and drink.

Apparently not all party participants liked the fact that me and Mongo had stolen the blender. One girl had brought the “bouncer” over.

Bouncer: "What’s going on over here?"

Mongo: <taking off his aviators> "We got a situation here boss, looks like 22" inch pythons on this guy."

I take off my aviators to get a better look at this JuiceMonkey. He's one swole big mutha****a! He gots to be over 280 lbs of solid muscle.

I notice a tattoo on the bouncer’s arm, “Big Daddy” it says.

Mule: "Big Daddy?"

Bouncer: <pissed off> "Bigger than you" he snarls.

Mule: "Maybe so, chief. But at least I can still wipe my own ass..."

Bouncer just grins and raises his massive arms into a double-biceps pose and demonstrates his muscular build for me, making his intimidation move on me. I have to admit the bodybuilder bastard looks damn near as good as I do. "I got to tell you, Man!" the muscled bouncer chuckles. "I REALLY love using you big football players as my punching bag. You ass-holes think your so strong and so tough, I get off on showing you boys what bodybuilder muscle can DO to football muscle..."

Then with no warning He closes the limited space between us with a lunge, both arms stretched out as though prepared for an unbreakable tackle. But instead I step into the big man meeting him head-on. One arm over his powerful shoulders and the other under his crotch and I power the big man up allowing his momentum to carry him over into a power-slam. It is a great move and leaves the powerhouse badly shaken.

He slowly and painfully makes it to both feet and tries to stretch his damaged muscles. He approaches cautiously then spins and nails me with a surprisingly strong side kick. I have to admit, the dude had good form and delivers a solid blow. It would have hurt a lesser man, but my adrenaline is pumping and nothing he can do is going to hurt me. I grip his leg with my left arm and power a solid punch just above the knee. He yelps like a hurt puppy. The dude is hopping around on one leg unable to attack so I nail him with a couple of more punches to the side of his knee. "YEOW! AAAHHH! DAMN! " I step back grinning and admiring the job the I done, but he ain't finished yet.

He limps forward and delivers three of his best shots to my brickwall abs.

Even in his worked over condition it feels like the musclebound fucker has taken sledgehammers to my gut. The first blow gets a big grunt outta me, the second bends me, and the third folds me over. It takes all I got not to go to my knees and puke out my protein shake at this stud's feet. But I know I can't let muscleman know he hurt me-- Mule knows a few things about intimidation too...so I put my game face on, straighten back up, pretending like he hadn't hurt me none, and rubbing my abs and just grin and smile at him. Mr Muscles just stares at me and then down at his fist like WTF in disbelief at the fist that probably never failed him before as I start my trash talk...

"Shit, Dude! That all you got? I know girls that hit harder than that... You need to sign up at a real gym and learn how to fight. When you throw a punch you gotta put your shoulder into it. Like this!" I lean back and give him a solid shot to the center of his gut. My fist drives into his cast iron abs like a cannon shot. Air and split comes flying out his mouth and his eyes bulge as the big gorilla doubles over and collapses in my arms.

When he does I grip around his chest and lift the dude off his feet. "AAAAARGH" is all he can yelp as my pythons begin to crush the air from his lungs. I LOVE the bear-hug. He starts begging..."PLEASE! AAAARGH! Please, Man! I give up. I give. I give! I ... can't .. Breathe! Man! You're killing me. Please let me go. P..L..E..A...S...E"

I let the big man drop in a heap at my feet.

Mule: <grinning while I rub my abs again > "Damn, Son. With all those muscles I thought you'd be able to put up a better fight than that."
Bouncer: <crying> "F**k you man", Then He turns chicken shit and runs out of the room while Mongo and I explode into laughter.

Did I tell you how much I HATE bouncers? I don't think there isn't a bouncer left in the Triangle who hasn't been branded with the impact of my knuckles!

When Mule goes out, the EMTs are on call!

After about 20 more minutes of lat flaring around the party, I realize I have to take a huge shit. That Mega Shake wasn’t sitting too well after the working over my abs got in that little fight. I head into the bathroom with the newspaper. (I knew it was gonna be a messy struggle).

A few minutes later, some drunk girl comes into the bathroom.

Drunk girl: "Hi, ummm, I just wanted to say that you are really sexy and ummm…..watching you fight made me hot."

Mule: "Get the f**k out! I’m trying to shit in peace here!"

Drunk girl: "Well, ummm, could I give you a blumpkin?"

Mule: "Wut the F**k’s a blumpkin?"

Drunk girl: "Well, its when you give someone head while they are taking a shit."

Mule: "Yeah why not. Just don’t use your f**king teeth..."

Drunk girl: "Was it good?"

Mule: "Not bad. I’d give it a C+"

Mule: "Nice knowin’ ya, sweetie..."

I decide to find Mongo so we can go home. On the way I run into two frat boys.

Frat boy 1: "Excuse me? Do you think you could give us some weightlifting tips? I mean we don’t want to get huge or anything, just Brad Pitt in Fight Club, you know? Any pointers?"

I felt the rage boiling up inside of me but kept my cool.

I decided not to punch them out (no need to go to jail). I mean mug them and they scatter!

I bang on the door Mongo is in.

Mule: "Let’s f**King go, I’m tired and I want to go to sleep. "

Mongo: "I got this bitch licking my nuts right now!"

Mule: "Hurry up and nut so we can go home. I’ll start the jeep."

I walk outside to my jeep. I look at the car next to me, and Bouncer is in it, crying. Not only that, but he was driving a Jetta. I’m sorry, but if you are a bodybuilder you cannot drive a Volkswagen. You could be Ronnie F**kin’ Coleman and you would get no respect from me if you are tooling around in a golf. The only time you could get head by driving a VW is from Gary down at the local Starbucks.

I turn up the stereo and waited for Mongo to emerge. “Blumpkin,” I thought to myself, smiling.

“Mule, sometimes you even impress yourself.”