Vignette: Worst Date Ever!

I was out clubbing with my boys when I am absolutely taken with this babe.

She's the kind of belle you dream of- blond, tall, hard body, jockette gym bunny, long legs, busty- the works. Over six feet tall, obviously a female jock, carrying as much muscle as a chick can carry and still be feminine. Anyway, we start talking, and as you'd expect, she is instantly taken with my debonair charm and chic style. I tell her I'd like to take her out, and she begs me to take her to the U2 concert. "Jesus Christ", I think to myself. "Bono is a cocksucker", I mutter under my breath. But, nonetheless, I say "Sure!"

Night of the date, I throw on my best black wife beater and boot cut jeans, and toss a dab of pheromones behind my ear for good measure. "Broad's gonna be jumpin' my bones when she gets a whiff of this", I tell myself.

I arrive at her apartment. She's a couple years older than me and lives on her own, which I think is really cool. She hops in my jeep and we're off to the Arena to catch the show of a lifetime. Bono literally parachutes into the stadium, as any over-zealous cock would, while the rest of the band walks on stage and sets up his equipment. He spends a good twenty minutes advocating his communist bullshit, when someone in the audience yells, "Give this man the Nobel!" I pick the bastard out and throw my half-full coke at him. I tell the schmuck I'll hogtie him if he opens his trap again. Then I flex my biceps and he understands that if he gets up in my grill there'll be a major shit storm.

The show was great aside from Bono's shenanigans... and the music.

Anyway, I figure a bite to eat might precipitate into steamy sex later on in the night, so I take her to Denny's, as any classy guy would. I sit next to her in the booth, instead of across from her, hoping she'll pick up on the pheromones and reach under the table to rub the easy one out of me before the kinky sex starts.

No such thing happens though. Instead, all she does is order eggs benedict and country fried steak. "Damn, girl can eat!" I think to myself. After I polish off my double order of steak and eggs, she's ready to roll. Thirty-seven dollar bill at Denny's for two people. I was not pleased.

Enraged with her gold-digger ways, I peel out of the parking lot and tell her we're going to make-out point. She asks if I'm mad, and all I do is mutter "U2 and Denny's in one night- you better put-out." She hears me though, and surprisingly, starts to giggle. She leans over and starts kissing my neck. Things are starting to look up.

When we get there, I open her door and we hand-in-hand walk over to the hook-up tree. "Wait'll I tell the guys about this!" I think to myself. We start making out- lightly at first- but quickly pick up the pace. She's got her noticeably longer tongue in my mouth now and starts taking off my shirt. Then I start peeling her shirt off and notice she's got better abs than me. "Impressive", I think to myself. I love a chick with a six pack. She's got her hand "down there" now, and I'm more than ready to hit this one out of the park, to say the least.

I reach down her pants and begin rubbing her freshly shaved legs. But as I move up her legs and toward the gold mine, I feel a lump. And not just one lump, but two distinct ping-pong-ball-sized lumps encased in a sweaty layer of skin. Horror. Deepest imaginable horror in the pit of my stomach. Frantically trying to get my hand out of her pants, I run into an elongated penis, at least eight inches in size.

I scream at the top of my lungs, and "it" just starts laughing.

.

"No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I scream. "WUT THE FUK....!!!!!" I roar.

 It barks, "You got played boy! Now come on, finish me up and we’ll call it a night."

"You sick son of a bitch!" I say. I drew back my right to punch it, but i hestiate 'cuz somewhere I am thinking I can't punch a girl...I just hesitate a second but its long enough...cause while I hesitate i get hit with uppercut that nearly takes my handsome head off my shoulders...which is followed by five unanswered body shots. The first one to the stomach knocked the wind out  me. It taunted me, saying, "Don't tell me those six-pack abs are just for show!" Then it belted me in the stomach again, forcing me to cough and hack. Then it landed a right hook on my right nipple, a right jab to my left nipple, and then an uppercut just below my rib cage. I finally threw,  a wild right hook which it ducked  and then it belted me in the stomach again.  I was dropped to my knees puking out my beer and Denny's on the ground when i took a knee to my mighty chin.  Then a kick to my hurting middle, sending the air from my big lungs, a kick to the head, followed by savage stomps to my balls that had my howls of male agony echoing thru the night air.  I was nearly unconscious when it pulled me off the ground and put me into a vice like headlock.  As I struggle to get out of the lock, it runs my head into a nearby tree. I see stars, as I am knocked fully fucking unconscious. Things go black and I don't remember anything else after that.

I dont awake till the next morning Besides the bruises, It had left another goody on me, that is, a pic on my phone of it teabaggin' my face after it gave me the beat down.

Fuck, the worse date of my life: I had spent 157 dollars on a pre-op transvestite and all I got for it was my dick knocked in the dirt,