Mule's Blog: Halloween Vignette: When Creepy Clowns Came to Colorado

Like most Millennials I have a visceral loathing of clowns. They give me the willies. That people EVER thought these things were adorable and entertaining, is beyond me. My mom watched Bozo the Clown as a kid and that is on my gramms, that shit is borderline child abuse.

My first clown experience, that I can remember, was watching the movie Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Sure it seems like pure silliness NOW, but at five years old, that shit TERRIFIED ME, and scarred me with respect to clowns thereafter.

Stephen King's Pennywise from the IT, just intensified the whole evil clown thing for me.

So when news reports from around the nation about creepy clowns stalking people's homes started appearing across the country, I finally thought to myself...

"Damn, I hate clowns, they better not come to Colorado."

Then as if on cue, the next day on news from the local FOX affiliate KDVR: "This is Jeremy Hubbard...Colorado has become the latest state to face the chilling menace of clowns. Clown sightings have occurred already in Colorado Springs,

Denver,

Greeley,

and Boulder. Boulder police monitoring social media have been able to apprehend one clown suspect, a student at Fairview High, whose name has been withheld because he is under 18.

Unnamed Boulder Clown Menace

"Fairview High? I wonder if Jayson knows this clown!" I said, smiling at my own joke.

The News broadcast urged us "not to approach these clowns ourselves, but to call the local police and use prudence when travelling at night. Civil Authorities urge folks to be sure to lock doors and windows...and to look out for compact cars containing a ridiculous number of passengers..."

I was having NONE of it:
"None of these clown fuckers better show up in MY neighborhood because this homie don't clown around and I am HEAVILY ARMED, and I have actual blam blam guns, besides sporting these two 21 inchers."

Then Jeremy noted that a rash of clown incidents had also been reported in Britain. "According to The Daily Telegraph, police in Britain are warning people against dressing as clowns in order to intimidate or harm others. One British police force in Cumbria alone has handled 14 clown-related incidents in a 24-hour period."

I immediately thought: "Those British clowns better not mess with Artist-Brah!"

"To face down the epidemic of Killer Clowns, the authorities in Cumbria have apparently turned to The Caped Crusader...seems a man is dressing as Batman and vowing to chase down the creepy clowns. A photograph has been shared on Facebook of 'Batman' seemingly chasing off a killer clowns. BBC Cumbria reported local company Cumbria Superheroes is behind the effort to rid the streets of clowns..."

"Well, if they ever DARED show up around here, they are going to face THIS Superhero," I muttered.

But shortly before Halloween, some of these clown fuckers DID show up near my crib, and I was all HELL NO! and this is what went down:

There were these three jacked clowns I spotted peeking in my condo windows. I immediately nicknamed them HUEY, DEWEY and LOUIE, and began plotting their demise.

HUEY

DEWEY

LOUIE

None of the clowns looked taller than 5'10", nor were they anywhere near my build...so I had weight and reach on my side... still there were THREE of them...and I figured they might be on METH or something, so I had to play this smart. Louie appeared to be the ringleader, so I decided I had to take out that joker first!

I saw my moment, when Louie became separated from the other two clowns. I snuck up behind him as he was bent over looking at something with a flashlight, and caught him completely by surprise. With over two decades of clown enmity built up inside me since I had first seen KILLER KLOWNS, this clown creeper didn't have a chance.

One down, two to go!

Next it was the turn of Dewey. I caught him with a can of whip cream which he had been spraying on the driver seat of my Jeep, and now was spraying on my windshield. Clowning around with my BABY...

FUCK... THAT... SHIT...

I barreled down on him, and he caught the movement in his peripheral vision and he grabbed a cream pie and hastily launched it at me, which I dodged, before hitting him like a tackling dummy. He made a little shriek like a squeaky toy on impact. I let him slide off the Jeep, and proceeded to repeatedly pound his head into the driveway with my left hand while tenderizing the rest of his body with my right fist...

Nighty night DEWEY!

That left HUEY...

I came on him around the side, where he had carried the intricately carved jack o' lantern that my semi-tarded buddy Lennie (real name Drake) had carved for me, and this Clown-hole was smashing it with a baseball bat. He never even saw me coming, I grounded him with a double leg sweep, and proceeded to pound him with my fists. For good measure, I picked up the pumpkin-covered bat he had dropped during the takedown, and gave him a few gratuitous smacks. But before you judge me...

1. He was a clown
2. He had beaten Jack to a pulp
3. He was a clown.

That is what you get for killing Jack, fucker!

MULE: 3 CLOWNS: 0 MATCH AND SET!

God damn mutha-fucking clowns!!!!!

I had to admit there was a certain PRIMAL satisfaction in kicking the asses of a trio of clowns. When I was done with them, they were all totally out cold. One of those muscular clowns seemed awfully familiar, I was SURE, I had seen Louie before, you don't forget a physique like that...

When I pulled off the masks of the unconscious clowns, I discovered that "Louie" was Jayson Tanner and the other clowns were two of his High School wrestling team mates. I am sure glad I didn't SHOOT any of them, but in the fight, fueled by the sheer adrenaline of coulrophobia, I left a bloody landscape of bruises, contusions and welts in my wake that would have them wincing in pain for weeks.

Lesson to those jokers seeking to play practical jokes on ME...

HAVE GOOD INSURANCE and a high threshold for pain.