Swirlie: The Artist Brah Reboot

Since reboots are so popular these days (I think there have been like 5 Spider Man Reboots) Mule's blog has decided to get into the game with a reboot of one of our first adventures, now featuring up to date 2017 style art compliments of Artist Brah Steve.  For you vinyl record, VHS tape loving purists, the original version can be found here ORIGINAL SWIRLIE

REVENGE  OF  THE NERD
THE REBOOT

   by The Mule with the assistance of Stefan Kane. 

Readers of this blog have given this story a rating of 4.8 flushes out of 5!

I was beating up seniors when I was in 9th grade so tormenting nerds didn't even register in my memory banks, heck the nerds themselves barely registered... such was the case of Billy Wilcox.

Billy "the Nerd" Wilcox 

Billy was a computer whiz, the foremost tech geek in high school. As best as remembered, while we didn't socialize much since I was into the jock life then, we were buddies around school. I know we were always having a good time, joking around with each other...pulling pranks...yeah it was one-sided, but someone has to play the straight-man in any comic duo, and together we got such laughs!  We really were sharing those fun times in High School, in my opinion. Apparently he saw our relationship differently, seeing me more as a NEMESIS rather than as a buddy...who knew?

I do remember Billy didn't seem to like gym class very much. I attributed this to his not being very athletic and his being skinny as one of them Holocaust survivors to boot. It probably didn't help things that he was the only one in school that wore his underwear when he showered.

High School Locker Room, Tyrone doing some flexing.

~WTF is he doing, Ty?

Billie preferred to shower alone in the communal showers,
and even then most peculiarly!

He's showering in his drawers Mule, so no one sees his baby 
white dick....

 Sweet Baby Jebus....Somebody needs to feed him some 
cheeseburgers before the skinny fuck  dies of starvation 

That kid needs to chow down some whey, and would it kill him
 to see the inside of the weight room?

I got a full scholarship playing football for a prestigious University, so I packed up and headed off to North Carolina. I am sure I never even thought about Billy Wilcox once after leaving high school. Since we had no friends in common, I was unaware of the changes he was making in his life after high school. Those was the days of Myspace and IM, before the explosion of social media where everybody became connected with EVERYONE they had ever met since Nursery school and knows everything about them, including what they just had for lunch, whether they cared or not!

Billy went thru a bad boy phase after High School...

Billy went thru a bad boy phase for a while after high school. Then some bikers gave him a beating and a wedgie when he tried to hang with them...and he felt like he was back in high school all over again...he knew things had to change.

But then he bought the Oct. 2007 issue of Muscle and Fitness,

 and turned his life around...

Billy turned his life around....

then on top of that  he found Jesus... and the Ministry of Bodybuilders for Christ....the Louisiana chapter had a visiting preacher from Colorado who was very charismatic...

then he found Jesus and Bodybuilders for Christ

.

I'd like to see that  Mule-Dude from High School try and put a
 trash basket on my head now!

Steady, Brother, remember Jesus teaches us to forgive.....

Three years after I graduated high school I was back home (New Orleans, this was my pre-Colorado days) for break.  I headed out clubbing. .....Now in college,  I was quite the football stud, the chicks all wanted my legendary dick and the dudes wanted to be my friend for the leftovers.   Being a div 1 A college football player, I drew plenty of pussy when I went out hunting. I headed to a bar where one of my former  High School team mates was now bartending, knowing he would make sure I was well taken care of.

As soon as I walked into the club, the heat seeking missile in my jeans instantly locked in on the hottest chick in the joint.  She happened to be a waitress, and she was already scoping out some big swole motherfucker sitting at the bar.  Not a problem....

Hot chick was scoping out some swole motherfukcer at 
the bar... but c'mon he was no Mule, am I right?

I don't drink alcohol because of my love for Jesus,
but I will take a club soda...
Bartender: Jesus turned water into wine, sure you don't want a
Chardonnay, we got a special today...

So I was walking over to chat up the waitress babe since she was the only slut up to my standards, when the huge mofo 'bumps' me. I growled: “What the fuck dude, watch where you’re going” when this mountain of muscle replies... "Hold on Mule... don't you remember me?"

The Huge Mofo from the bars 'bumps' me, I figure he wants to
 start a fight, and of course I am game!

Hold on Mule... don't you remember me?

I’m Billy Wilcox, from high school.. 

I thought, "I don't know this dude-I don't forget swole fuckers packing this  much beef ..." When this hoss says, "It’s Billy Wilcox, from high school.."   My mind is full of confusion: no fuckin’ way...

Billy Wilcox was a skinny nerd, jock-sniffer, wannabe.... and this dude in front me is built like a brick shit house.  Turns out, Billy has spent the last 3 years packing on 60 lbs of solid rock hard muscle.  He looked about 6' maybe 240- 245 lbs, broad boulder shoulders a mile wide and 20" arms that were bulging in his tight tee shirt which could barely contain his 50" chest.  He was damned jacked.  What I didn't learn ‘till later was that Billy had hooked up with some cult called "Bodybuilders for Christ".  Not only that, but he had been taking weekly lessons at my old boxing gym, from my old boxing coach and has a 6-0  amateur  boxing record, 3 by KO  under the name, "Warrior" Wilcox. 

"Shit man…. you blew the fuck up dude.... I didn't even recognize you...." I said... genuinely in awe that this muscle stud was the same Billy Wilcox, the computer geek I went to school with.  I can't imagine the amount of dedication (and juice) that it took to build that kind of physique in 3 years.   We bullshitted about lifting and compared lifts, and reminisced about my high school football highlights...actually I did most of the talking.

"Yeah, those were great times..." I said.

"What the fuck are you talking about, man. You and your fellow jock bullies made my life a daily hell in high school..." came the vitriolic reply.

"Bully? Now wait a minute here..." I started to reply, realizing too late that Billy harbored extensive resentment against your Mule.  I mean, I am so lovable, who could hate MOI?  O.k. some jilted females, cuckolded husbands and some others you have met in my stories, but like why would a buddy like Billy be harboring so much hate. Man, I hate people who are so peanut butter and jelly over my utter magnificence that they get choked with hate.  I am humble and cool guy, basically, at heart, or maybe just in my head ... "Fuck", I thought, "for a chill dude I sure seem to attract animosity..." as my readers no doubt can appreciate, it is a real conundrum!

 Billy snarls: "Now let's see you take on someone your own size.,, or do you only bully twinks and nerds, big man?" By now we were both on our feet. This was going down hill fast... I flexed my pecs and then my biceps as I raised my fists in a fighting stance. "You're hardly my size. I got 20 lbs of muscle on you.  I'm still styling on you, but.... If you think you have the strength to hold your own against me, be my guest."

You and your fellow jock bullies  made my life a daily hell in high school...

Come at me and I will fuck you up....

Now let's see you take on someone your own size...

Billy took a step towards me and I instinctively throw a right fist to his jaw.  

I've been in at least fifty bar fights and I learned that if someone is standing in front you sizing you up you punch that motherfucker in the chin and knock his ass the fuck out... it ain't some pussy grade school shit... you don't stand there and have a conversation with him...you come at me, and I'll lay you out like a Sunday picnic motherfucker.

I've fought a bunch of muscle heads like this one. Most big boys  ain't used to someone standing up to em, they count on their size to make the other dude back down. The first time they take a strong pop in the jaw or big slam they turn into quite the pansy.

My right hook to his jaw dropped the irate Billy to his knees.  He was holding on to a bar stool for support.

Mule throws the first punch and puts Billy down..

Stay down, bro... I don't want to have to hurt ya...

Remember I will ALWAYS be the Mule, and you will always
be Nerdy  'One Punch' Wilcox!

This looks like this is going to take a while Tyrone,
why don't you and I go do some "restocking" in the store room
 'till this is over 

Naw, I knew that Billy dork in High School, this fight is already
 over, but we can fool around anyway...even if you are the boss's 
wife, heck I AM TYRONE and therefore I am going to fuck you
  LONG DICK STYLE!

I look down at Billy and decide I should give him a wedgie like
 in the old days, to remind him of Life's ordained pecking order

Being focused on Billy, I don't notice that Tyrone and the waitress have vanished into the storeroom for some 'restocking', leaving Billy and I are alone in the bar.   What I do notice however, is the the unintended consequence of my giving Billy his educational wedgie, is that it seems to have sobered Billy up from his Mule-fist punch-drunk stupor.  And pissed him off. Daymn. It's so much easier to win a bar brawl when the other dude is drunk. Looks like I got a fight on my hands, after all! 

Billy came fast,  making it clear we were gonna be throwing hands.  I stripped off my muscle shirt off announcing my readiness for battle.    I could see Billy's  eyes taking in the bulging sinews of my imposing chest and arms as I pulled off the restricting garment and threw it to be floor.

"This nerd is gonna kick your ass, dickhead," Billy growled through clenched teeth. In a flash he pulled off his shirt and threw it to floor on top of my mine.  Now your Mule finally got a good look at the guy I was fighting.  Double-Daymn! Billy was built like a fucking brick shithouse! This kid's substantial muscle looked every bit as solid as mine.  He flexed his own pecs and biceps with a cheeky, confident grin, and I must confess this nerd-turned-awesome- stud was packing some serious muscle.  I grunted, "No fuckin’ nerd cock-sucker is gonna beat my ass, bitch!".

Without warning,

Some of his MMA for Christ training at the BBFC church
 came in handy!

"AAAAAAGH" I bellow as Billy unloads a front kick square into the brick wall that is my chest. I was not expecting a move like that and my entire air supply erupts out my mouth together with a mouthful of spit and every molecule of oxygen is knocked out of my lungs with a single kick.

Billy instantly follows up with a second round house kick right into my solar plexus. THUD! I could hear the impact of foot against muscle, it sounded like a gunshot. "UUUUFFFFF" I groan as I double over, gasping desperately to get some air back into my body. 

I grunted with pain from the impact!

and I staggered back, my pecs on fire...

But the pain just made me angry, and I HULK OUT when
I get angry!

and Billy became the recipient of my HULK SMASHes

Knuckle sandwich for Billy Wilcox!

What's that Nerdcox, you want SECONDS?
Well sure thing, buddy!

Isn't it fun to think of the fun we had in High School,
 nostalgia is a blast! Speaking of blasts...

Let me check the conditioning of your abdominals,
with MY FIST!

Whoa, I can tell you've been doing your crunches,
Billy Boy!

I power a half-dozen punches to the muscle-boy's steel-coil abdominals. THUD! Thud! Thud! The sound is like a pile-driver smashing a steel beam into solid ground. To my shock, instead of ending up doubled over at my feet like nearly everyone that's on the receiving end of  my battering gut punches, Billy is not only standing straight still but he's grinning.

As stand there all WTF? and shaking out my stinging fist, Billy speaks. The motherfucker ain't even breathing hard!

"If you're planning of breaking me down, you're going to have to do a great deal better than that, Mule! You'll find my muscles are as strong and as hard as solid iron!" The blood on my knuckles bore witness to the truth that Billy was spouting. His spectacular abdominal muscles were truly case-hardened steel!

"Thanks for the invitation, Little Man. I can do a GREAT DEAL better than that!" I replied, as I grabbed Billy by his thick neck in a choke hold.

If you're planning of breaking me down, you're going to have to
 do a great deal better than that, Mule!

Your neck is thicker now, I will give you that, but I  can still grab it and 
bounce you up and down, playing Billy the human Pogo Stick
 with you like in High School!

You having fun yet, Billy?

I am having fun Billy, that is for sure!

Hey you are now that chick in the Titanic movie!

So now let's see how flexible those arms are...

Scream when they shouldn't go back any further, and I will
probably stop..

I had Billy where I wanted him now, locked in a submission hold.  I  powered up, pulling the  giant arms of Billy behind him in a direction they weren't designed to go! There was no way out of my hold, I had all the leverage.  Billy would submit or his shoulders are gonna break.  Or so I thought...

Billy grunts, his massive chest heaving, the iron hard musclegut contracting into eight solid bricks. His fists clenched, as he slowly starts to power his mammoth, thickly veined arms down. It's my turn to grunt, powering back, my awesome strength showing as I force Billy's gigantic arms back up almost hydraulically. Again Billy clenches his fists, his biceps like boulders as he flexes down. Again Mule powers back, driving Billy's colossal arms skyward, setting his hulking muscle-tits into Billy's rippling back. "YEAHHRRGGHH!" I Shout! "FEEL THE POWER OF THE MULE!" Billy's answer comes with a clenching of fists, and a long, slow double bicep flex downwards. My bicep's veins explode like cables as the massive power of Billy starts to force my grip apart! Slowly but surely, as Billy's massive shoulders and arms swell, My grip weakens, as I watch Billy's giant traps grow and grow. With a final powerful flex, Billy powers out of my hold!  Wat da evar-livin' Fuck! Did the Nerd just overpower the jock???!!!

 Billy  quickly took advantage of my momentary shock of his breaking my hold, and put me into a choke hold with one arm, while he softened up my abs with the fist of the other.

Then the Ex-Nerdling He-man swung your Mule around, and slammed a right fist into my left jaw that had me seeing a double image of an angry vengeful mountain of muscle. "You're gonna fucking pay for how you and your jock buddies made my life in high school hell!" the Billies yelled with a bit of froth at the corners of their two mouths.

Billy scissored my poor Mule-head and traps...

He cemented his hold!

This isn't high school anymore Jack-ass, and you ain't the
top dog no more fucker!

What did you say, Mule, couldn't quite make it out over your
screaming!

The fight's not over yet, your Mule said, hoarsely.

My preacher buddy from Colorado, taught me this wrestling
 move...

Yeah you can say that he is a different sort of preacher,
for sure Mule.  Now tell me when this really hurts, and maybe
 I will stop! But probably not!

Are you still having Fun, Mule?

..Cause I know I am having fun..

Was that a tap-out, Chief?

"The fight's not over yet," your Mule said, hoarsely.

Billy slammed my head so hard into the floor, that I was seeing whole constellations of stars before all faded to black.

"Now this fight is over, asshole!"

Moments Later:

Primed and ready for you Mule!

I think I will call you DONKEY rather than MULE, because you
 are such an ass! 

Ride 'em donkey!

I can't understand what you are saying with all that gurgling!

I woke up spluttering with my head in the toilet, experiencing something I had never experienced before...a swirlie!  I had dished many out, but had never before been on the receiving end.  I began to get an inkling of why Billy held certain...grievances.

Time for round two, worst than the first!

Having fun yet, Mule.  Good times, right?

...because I am sure having fun!

"Having fun yet, Mule.  Good times, right?" --taunted Billy as he dunked me back into the water, "because I am sure having fun!".  At least it was free of turds and urine, if I remember correctly, Billy had not been always quite as lucky back in High School when he was receiving swirlies from some of the other football players.  I was never mean like THAT, what I did was SOLELY for shits and giggles, not cruelty.

I have been told my memories are heavily redacted with an
 angelic perception filter! But what does my Mom know?!

STILL:

Billy had begun on Round Three, but the repeated dunkings and taunts had only served to revive and provoke your Mule. Reviving and provoking a Mule just for the sake of gloating is a bad idea.  Hadn't Billy ever hear that if you annoy a Mule you are likely to get KICKED.

I kneed him in his balls, and when he staggered back gave him a Mule kick to his abs that sent him flying through the propped open bathroom door, out into the bar room floor.

"I told you it wasn't over Nerd boy!" but like Billy, I had let my guard down to gloat and Billy tackled me, laying on a ground and pound.

"You're right," Billy grinned. "It's not over...but again  I'm  winning."

"Not for long, motherfucker!", I growled.

And like pharaoh said: So let it be written, so let it be done, as I broke the hold, put a reverse on the ex-Nerdling and proceeded to pound his face until he was seeing stars and hearing bells, and only barely holding on to consciousness by a thread.  Then I dragged his sorry ass back into the bathroom, to complete his "training" for his life of adult dorkhood.

Remember this, Billy Boy?

A 'swirlie'  for old times sake...

Meanwhile: 

Jesus Christ... they wrecked the place...

How the fuck am I gonna explain this to the boss...?

Oh, man... I am so fucked...just like the boss's wife!

Meanwhile:

After giving Billy a retaliatory swirly, I knocked him the fuck out again, and left him appropriately "decorated" taking pics and a video with my phone.

Yeah, that's more like it...

That's the Billy Wilcox I remember....

That's actually a good look... for YOU!

“See you later, Billy”, I said as I swaggered toward the restroom exit, cracking my knuckles and my neck with a felonious grin stretching from ear to ear.

I then let Billy slip from my mind as I contemplated some more immediate and compelling considerations: Food and Sex, and not necessarily in that order.  These are the two insatiable appetites that brawling activates in its wake.  Thus my mind turned toward locating first some suitable pussy, because there is nothing like a good pussy slam after a good knock-down drag-out fight.  Then I would take care of my OTHER hunger.

Meanwhile:

The Boss is gonna fire my black ass....

Meanwhile.... 

Mule has found his way into the storage room and into the waitresses vagina, boldly going where Tyrone had just gone before...

Meanwhile, Mule has found his way to the storage room... and
 he fucked the waitress MULE-DICK STYLE!

Man,  she's all primed and ready to go, 
thanks Tyrone!

Meanwhile:

There is redemption in the power of Christ, have no fears...Say, 
speaking of power, buddy, you look like you lift.  Have you ever
 heard of 'Bodybuilders for Christ'?  I can introduce you to the
 local chapter, it is a good place ....to pray and lift...

You know I am visiting New Orleans again, and don't know 
man people here...

A visiting  missionary who had come in looking for his local friend Billy, saw Tyrone distraught over the damage to the bar. He went over to comfort the poor man.  "There is redemption in the power of Christ, have no fears...Say, speaking of power, buddy, you look like you lift.  Have you ever heard of 'Bodybuilders for Christ'?  I can introduce you to the local chapter, it is a good place ....to pray and lift...

The missionary continued: "You know I am visiting New Orleans, again for my mission, and don't know many people here...and you look like you could use a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on...the back room is free again...what do you say we go in there and I counsel you? I am Gary, and you are...?"

"Tyrone, the name is Tyrone..."

And thus. thanks to the young and super-hung preacher,  Tyrone became acquainted with what it was like to get it even longer-dick style! It was quite a COME TO JESUS moment for Ty.

Damn it Gary!

LATER:

It sure was cool running into an old friend from High School
 like that..I need to come home more often

But you know after all this sound and fury, I ran into Billy later that week, and our fight had given him at long last, a sense  at long of some payback, plus the whole Jesus, turn the other cheek thing, that had come back to haunt him at church, while I also harbored no resentments, as I had inflicted some punishment of my own and ended up the winner in the end.  We had a great conversation during this second reunion, and ended up being being lifting partners whenever I was in New Orleans.  Made for some really challenging and enjoyable lifting sessions.

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Which version did YOU like better? 

Let us know in the comments below...

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FURTHER READING:

If you enjoyed this story, you may also enjoy:

High School Reunion

Kicked by a Mule Part One

Kicked by a Mule Part Two

Mule and the Beach Evangelist

Mule word of the Day:

Coach Chesnick made instructive use of swirlies,
in my High School 

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=swirlie

Swirlie: 

n. pl. -s 
v. to give a swirlie 

Variations: swirley, swirly A form of torture/punishment in which the victim is held upside down over a toilet, with his head in the toilet bowl, while it is flushed. Variations on this theme include holding a long-haired person over the toilet so that the hair merely rotates with the draining water or completely immersing the victim's head in the water.

Holding someone's head down the loo bowl and flushing. A "punishment" often meted out by jocks to decent people who never did the jocks any harm but the jocks, being sadistic bastards, do it anyhow

A way a bully shows a nerd who's boss, by getting together with his/her friends and shoving the victim in the stall, and holding the victim upside-down over the toilet, finally flushing the toilet with the victims head inside.

Final flourishes after the final flushes, make for a truly
 excellent swirlie!