Vignette: Cardio Bunny

A Golden Oldie from April 2006!

I recently got a guest pass for a gym over in Chapel Hill. I workout at the facility at school, but figured I would check out all the hot college CARDIO BUNNIES! 

So I head into the gym, wearing a PUMA track suit. First I check out the weights section. Typical. Bunch of shaggy haired Ashton  Kutcher look alikes doing some chest and bi’s, hoping to get that beach body for Cancun. Pathetic. 

One guy got a SPOT for benching 135x1. Amazing. I was going to head over and load up 315 and rep it for 12, but I had bigger fish to fry.

On to the cardio area. There’s 16 treadmills. About 10 were occupied; 7 by HOT college girls, 2 by mediocre girls, and 1 fatty. Oh yeah, and like 3 fat guys. I do some stretching in front of the machines before removing my tearaway pants and jacket. Underneath is a pair of green shorts and a beater. I notice the ladies eyes shifting towards me as I pile on a treadmill. I put on my IPOD, but do not listen to music. (This is a trick of mine; whenever I work out I put my IPOD on because I don’t like to be bothered, but I never play music – I like to listen people compliment me when they don’t think I can hear them). "Look at the veins in his arms!" and "Check out those legs…damn!" were two of the better comments. 

I ran for 20 minutes and got off, walked to the front of the treadmills and did some stretching. Then I made my move. Lifting up my beater to wipe the sweat off my face, I gave the ladies a shot of the goods. I heard one girl even say "Vicki, Look! LOOK at that!". Then I hear a loud BOOM. One girl had fallen OFF her treadmill (whether it was because of seeing my body or not I’m unsure, but I’m willing to bet that was the cause). 

She hit her face on the belt and had a bloody nose. I got the f**K out of there before she thought about getting a lawyer and suing me.

I decide I will at least hit the wet area for a whirlpool and a steam as long as I am here. I head to the locker room, pretty fancy for a locker room, wood lockers and shit. I throw my clothes into a locker, grab a towel and head to the whirlpool. I get there and there are 3 dudes in there, looking at me like they is horrified. I thinking WTF then I notice they is wearing bathing suits. Who the fuck wears a bathing suit in a locker room? They got this sign "Proper Dress Code" what the fuck, bare-assed is proper dress code for a locker room, IMO. But apparently my big swinging dick is freaking these dudes out, they looking at me like I'm some kinda escaped jungle ape. 

Me and my niner decide to retreat before some gym manager tries to throw us out. I threw my clothes back on and got the f**K out of there.  was heading back to my jeep, satisfied that I wouldn't be coming back when I hear some footsteps behind me. "Um…sir" I turn around and see a sexy 5’5" blonde with some nice ta-tas. 

Mule: "Yes?"

Hot girl: "I saw your body in there, and umm… I was wondering if I could get some advice? I’m headed to South Padre Island for Spring Break and I really want to look good"

Mule: "Step into my office baby, and we’ll see what we can do..." I unlock the doors to my jeep and she climbs in. She checks out the bent steering wheel, dents in the dash board, and places where I punched out the windshield (wut can I say, I get the road rage....)

Hot girl: "Wow, looks like your jeep been in a accident."

Mule: "Well..... I auctioned off my Porsche and gave the profit to the Katrina relief fund. I miss that car..."

HG: "That is so sweet! Oh my god...Are you crying?"

Mule: [trying to cry fake tears]"Yeah well, its just so awful what happened to those poor people...."

Note: I’ve never donated a PENNY to charity, nor have I owned a Porsche

Mule: "But we were talking about you. Why don’t you take off that shirt so I can see what we’re working with..."

I thought it would be difficult to talk her into this, but she never hesitated. I surveyed her body saying "mmm, hmmm" and "okay"

Mule: "You’re gonna have to take off those pants. I NEED to get a good overall look at you..."

 HG: "Is that really necessary?"

Mule: "Off with the pants, sweetie..."

She compliantly takes off her pants, and I notice that "HOTTIE" is printed across the ass. At this point, I KNOW I’m getting some. Girls that wear pants that say "HOTTIE" or "ANGEL" or "BABY" on the pants are HUGE whores.

My pocket Sloot-o-meter

Mule: "Well, I’ll tell ya what. I’ll give you my ab routine free of charge."

HG: "Really? You’d do that for me? "

Mule: "Yeah I’ll just email it to ya..."

HG: "That’s so nice of you. How could I ever repay you?"

Mule: [surveying her body] "I can think of one way..." I point to my dick and she goes down

This girl was a Hooverin’ vacuum. Obviously a sorority girl, She stops after 15 minutes and says "How long is this gonna take?" (I had just slammed the waitress at the Waffle House at about 4 PM so I wasn’t blowing any time soon)

Mule: "You want the f***in’ ab routine or not?" She goes back to doing her fuckin' job, and about 10 minutes later she gets a serving of protein down her throat.

Mule: "Alright. I’m out." I throw her pants and shirt outside the car. She starts getting dressed.

HG: "Email me that routine, K?"

Mule: "Sure...sure... sweet cheeks"

HG: "When are we gonna hang out again?"

Mule: "Ummm…"

HG: "Come on, give me your number"

Mule: [putting on my aviator sunglasses]  " Look baby, you don’t wanna get messed up with me. I’m an outlaw. A rebel..."

HG: "But, I don't even know your name and--"  I recognized that look in her eyes and the tell-tale signs of a stage five clinger.

"My mama said to never break promises I cant keep...". I stepped on the gas and accelerated away from the cardio bunny. She coughed when inhaling my exhaust fumes as I peel out into the night By the time she stopped coughing I had turned the corner. I wondered if she had seen my ALPHA1 license plate, but it's inconsequential. I'll never see her again. My speedometer hit 95 as I raced home for a whey shake.

"It is not my fault so many women fall in love with me..."-Mule